To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

Regarding the private schooling, wages in some sectors haven't kept up with the rise in fees.

I remember reading about jobs which were commonly found amongst private school parents in 80s and 90s but not any more.
It mentioned jobs like architect, scientist, engineer, police inspector.
The ratio of fees to average salary in these sectors is now too high to be affordable.

I am just pleased that I’m able to give my children a better life than I had. My mother left the marital home when I was young and never returned, she had mental health problems and she couldn’t cope with us, my father was an alcoholic.
You are blessed with the life you have now, your children have two functional parents which is more than what many children have.

Blame the baby boomers. They are the reason why we can't give our children nice things. They fucked it for everyone.

YABU for blaming yourself. It is 100% due to economic shift. When I was a child, a uni lecturer could afford to send two children to private school while his wife worked part time. Imagine that now.

I think you need to reframe your priorities. What was the end result of what you had? You felt loved, cared for, well educated. You had security and opportunities. Can you create those end results without the same material comforts? Of course you can.

If your home is clean, safe, cosy, attractive, if you spend some time with DC at weekends and some evenings enjoying their company, if you set aside money for extra curricular things that might give them opportunities later in life, then you are doing fine. If you are really worried about education, go and look at some local private schools and ask about bursaries. or ask your well off parents if they'd consider helping out. Explain to them how different it is for you financially - how much goes on mortgage etc.

I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

I understand why you think that but I don't think it's the case any more.

I have older kids and they are going to find it far harder to get on the housing ladder than I did. They will probably be facing higher taxes, a rise in pension age ...

If you are an educated person, you are no doubt reading to your children, and no doubt you have spent many hours sharing with them the gifts of your education, from the names of flowers to fairytales you have learned to how to use a library to gain knowledge for themselves. You are there first and best teacher and model for learning, and obviously you care deeply for them. You will continue to be their model as a teacher and a learner for every age of their life, because learning never stops. Have faith in yourself. I am sure your children do.

@DoctorWhoTardis

Blame the baby boomers. They are the reason why we can't give our children nice things. They fucked it for everyone.

I can't tell whether you're being serious or not.

OP, private school is a waste of money. A big house doesn't compensate for a good upbringing. Just concentrate on what you do have and give your dc the best upbringing you can. Guilt is just such a wasted emotion.

You get the years you are given.

I think in the old days private primaries were a lot cheaper because most parents, even wealthy ones, only really went from secondary. Then schooling from 16 (eg A Levels) would go back to state again. Now it seems you can’t get into some private secondaries without going into their approved preps first & many parents keep their kids in private for A Levels too which must bump up the cost.

I actually think the fact that the 1% have got richer isn't good. All public services had got worse. So actually you need private health care and schools more than ever before. It's a misnomer to say ah don't worry about it. It is a worry in so far as lots and lots of people are now poorer than ten years ago and a few a lot, a lot richer. So yes be upset an devote differently. This was a political decision not an accident

So depressing isn't it @Maulstick, private school is against everything I believe in and stand for. My DH too, and he went to private school and from there to Oxbridge. His childhood was hideous. He and I would rather spend our time and money on being as present and available to our kids as possible.

@DoctorWhoTardis

Blame the baby boomers. They are the reason why we can't give our children nice things. They fucked it for everyone.

What a stupid and ridiculous comment.

@23bumblebee

I actually think the fact that the 1% have got richer isn't good. All public services had got worse. So actually you need private health care and schools more than ever before. It's a misnomer to say ah don't worry about it. It is a worry in so far as lots and lots of people are now poorer than ten years ago and a few a lot, a lot richer. So yes be upset an devote differently. This was a political decision not an accident

Every child you cream off and send to a selective school, because they are smarter or richer than other kids (or both), has a knock on effect that creates fewer and fewer resources for children with SEN or children from low socio-economic backgrounds.

Every family that is able to afford to live in a catchment for the OFSTED Outstanding schools contribute directly to the creation of sink schools.

Selective education is a significant factor in the rich/poor divide in this country, and is partly why we are in the mess we are in today.

Housing costs (both rental and sale price) have increased 35-50% in my area the past 12 months. My much hoped for future for my young children - very modest home, occasional cheap holiday, basic dentistry, and improved extra-curricular and educational opportunities - I foresee will now almost certainly be spent on housing where I cannot foresee my professional employment will increase to any significant or sufficient extent to cover the recent exponential increase in housing costs.

Devastated doesn’t even cover it. I get you OP. My parents gave me so much from so little. Yes, my young children are being raised in a loving home, but the impact on me mentally (I’m on antidepressants for the first time) to cope with the stresses, coupled with reasonably insecure employment, has done me in.

I don’t know how to simply readjust and be ‘happy’ with my limited fortunes, and inability to provide the kind of life I should have wished for my young children.

Assuming I outlive my parents (who are healthier than me) I absolutely anticipate that any inheritance will come far too late to benefit me and my children while in their childhood in any material way.

@folkybythesea

So depressing isn't it *@Maulstick*, private school is against everything I believe in and stand for. My DH too, and he went to private school and from there to Oxbridge. His childhood was hideous. He and I would rather spend our time and money on being as present and available to our kids as possible.

Hear hear.

I did actually go to Oxford from my (admittedly dreadful) state school, and wherever DS (who is only 9) ends up studying, he will be going there from a state school. I'm entirely against perpetuating educational privilege and its knock-on effect on the class system.

I genuinely would recommend a few people on this thread volunteer for a morning or two in an inner London primary breakfast club. Or even just an hour tbh. That would be enough.

@Hardbackwriter

I feel this too, OP - but unlike you and a lot of people on this thread I think it is my/DH's fault, rather than us being the victim of economic circumstance. I grew up wealthy because my dad, who grew up working class, had a fairly senior job in banking. My parents gave us loads of advantages that I benefited hugely from, and ended up going to Cambridge. But I then followed the 'follow your dreams!' ethos they'd given me, did a PhD and became a very insecurely employed academic for a decade before giving it up and going into university professional services middle management after having children. I married a man who grew up in similar privilege, went to Oxford and gave up his career in management consultancy in the city to become a secondary school teacher in his early 30s. Before kids I felt good and quite smug about our choices to follow passion not money but now I look at what all my university friends can give their children and feel awful for the fact I basically squandered my huge privilege so I can no longer pass it on. I have to live with it - it is what it is - but it's not a pleasant feeling and I do think it's of my own making.

Both you and your DH can pass on your education to your children. All of us can help our children learn other skills that will help them in their lives regardless of income. I am not convinced that a private education is all it’s cracked up to be. Obviously some schools are amazing but a school is only amazing if it’s the right fit. I’ve seen children whose parents have sacrificed everything to send them to less than stellar private schools where they’ve simply struggled to keep up with their peers’ social opportunities and been somewhat rejected for it. The quality of the education not necessarily better but delivered in small classes. But you’re lucky @Hardbackwriter that you and your DH can give your children the benefit of your education. As someone who didn’t have privilege and certainly not education I envy you that. You could have found a career that was demanding and high-paying and your DH could have spent 24 hours a day at his desk at McKinsey or wherever and you’d no doubt be handsomely rewarded for it, but would your children thank you for it?

You made the right choices for you at the time; as you should.

The best thing my parents did was to send me to a state school (my Dad went to a private school on a bursary). It wasn't that he couldn't afford it, he just didn't want to and that meant it wasn't established as a family tradition. I live close to a popular independant school, so many FPs scrape every last penny together, neglecting pension savings etc. To send their kids to the same school they went to because they can't bear the thought of their kids "roughing it" /moving down a peg to state school. Dad's decision saved me all that angst and my kids have done as well as they would have anywhere imo and, DH and I have an emergency fund.
Im especially annoyed that the annual full scholarship usually seems to go to a child whose parents were privately educated but chose to work in the creative sector (as I do, not judging them for that) but if you do that you cut your cloth accordingly and don't take up bursaries designed to give a leg up to seriously bright kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.

@Wbeezer

The best thing my parents did was to send me to a state school (my Dad went to a private school on a bursary). It wasn't that he couldn't afford it, he just didn't want to and that meant it wasn't established as a family tradition. I live close to a popular independant school, so many FPs scrape every last penny together, neglecting pension savings etc. To send their kids to the same school they went to because they can't bear the thought of their kids "roughing it" /moving down a peg to state school. Dad's decision saved me all that angst and my kids have done as well as they would have anywhere imo and, DH and I have an emergency fund. Im especially annoyed that the annual full scholarship usually seems to go to a child whose parents were privately educated but chose to work in the creative sector (as I do, not judging them for that) but if you do that you cut your cloth accordingly and don't take up bursaries designed to give a leg up to seriously bright kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Yep, so many bursaries are taken by middle class kids. I genuinely despair of the system.

It is all very easy for people to say not to compare, it is good advice don't get me wrong, but it is a natural instinct to do so, especially when we live in a materialistic world.

I consider myself quite a grounded person with a good grasp of what is really important (eg: a loving home, healthy parents and kids, etc), however that doesn't stop me feeling like I have failed because I can't give my kids what my parents gave me. I grew up an only child in a bought house in an affluent area, my dad drove a nice car, and financially I rarely went without. I have 3 kids sharing a room in a privately rented house (before anyone starts about having kids when can't afford them, there was a multiple birth), we don't drive and I am from a large family with lots of cousins who are all homeowners of large or several properties (mostly funded by their parents), and I am the only one whose kids aren't in private school . We are cureently saving (or trying to) for mortgage deposit and work hard so it isn't through lack of trying. I get asked all the time by aunties "do you think you'll ever buy a house?", and "you or your husband should get a car" (we are trying to save for a deposit for the first question (house) ). Pretty hard to not compare and focus on my kids being loved and having a roof over their head surrounded with that.

So OP, yes I can understand what you are saying. However as others have said, it is a sign of our economic times that this generation haven't got what the last one has. They didn't have crazy house prices there are now, there were 100% deposits available (sometimes with more to buy furniture with), jobs were more plentiful, prices lower, etc. I could go on. It can be depressing if we really thought about it.

@DoctorWhoTardis

Blame the baby boomers. They are the reason why we can't give our children nice things. They fucked it for everyone.

I'm a boomer. What should I have done differently to prevent things getting "fucked"?

I think it depends on life experience. I've never met anyone who went to private school so can't comment.
I went abroad once as a child and have only been on long weekends abroad as an adult. So holidays have never been a part of my life. I've never really thought about the fact DD has never been abroad.
DH went abroad (and to some amazing places) every single year and he feels guilty that we will never be able to afford to take DD.

Remind yourself that you are writing about material privileges. Then remind yourself of the things that you give them that can’t be bought.

At least you have a house to live in. So many, including me would be grateful for that.

I'm so glad I am able to appreciate the things I have. Through no fault of my own I was left a hard up single, working parent to a baby and a toddler. They are now adults and we are all still close, see each other weekly. We all have our health, a job and a roof over our heads. I actually feel sorry for people who only see what they don't have instead of what they do.