To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

I hear you OP, and I feel the same. However, don't worry about private school. Would you be able to afford to send them to state school but pay for extracurricular activities, and take them on lots of interesting trips?
You may not have as much money as your parents did, but you can give your children lots of love, support and stimulating experiences.
Our children's generation will have to work hard for less, but they will never know they are missing out unless you tell them.
My advice is give them as many opportunities as you can, give as much support and love as you can, and help them to appreciate what they do have. They will be just fine.

It's you that needs to make peace with it 💐

Things are very different now.

The only people I know who can afford private school are ex-army who went into property development, doing the work themselves. DH went to private school, traditional middle class background, owned amazing house outright, his mum stayed at home etc. Him and I both work, both have good jobs and no mortgage on a modest semi but there is no way we could afford school fees for two kids. White collar jobs wages just haven't grown much in the last 20 years.

It's not your fault so no point feeling guilty OP. Sounds like you are doing your best in the circumstances so I would count my blessings and enjoy your life as it comes.

I think you're undervaluing what you can offer your children. I'm not going to say that money isn't important but in terms of getting on in life, things like aspirations (having professional parents who understand the value of education and support learning is part of this), and cultural awareness (museums, books etc) are, to my mind, more important than house size, etc. These (almost invisible) strands form a huge part of privilege imo.

I grew up in £1 million pound house -my parents have 3 houses abroad and we had private schooling.

I'm a single parent currently in rented aged 50 - but will be able to buy something in a couple of years -it won't be big or expensive. But my kids are both in outstanding school -and I give them love and time -day in and day out. My parents gave me an abusive childhood.

Give them you and your love and support -I never had it.

Your parents clearly did very well compared to their peers. They were at the far end of the bell curve.
Give yourself a break. It's unusual to out perform out performing parents. It's called reversion to the mean.

Most generations tend to do better than the last - when you think about it though, there's no clear reason why this should be the case.

Your children will have plenty of opportunities to do well even in the state school system. FWIW my 2 BIL's (DHs older brothers) both went to public school as their parents were ambitious for them. Neither of them have thanked or forgiven their parents for it. DH opted not to go and did state grammar instead. He's had a better career than his DBs.
I would say that your childhood was the unusual one in that circumstances (economic) meant that your parents were able to do something that would not ordinarily have been possible for their 'class'.

In the kindest possible way OP, you, and your parents before you, are the proof that childhood advantage does not necessarily determine the adulthood you have. Your children's success and happiness will depend on lots of things, many of which will be outside of your control and may be deprived from things that are not related to wealth or privilege. You just play the cards you're dealt the best you can, and teach your DC to do the same.

My DP was privately educated and we can’t afford to do the same for our children. I can’t say I feel bad for them. They have huge privilege in so many other ways. The best thing for your children is to be available to them and have a fantastic relationship. That foundation of time and a halt home life is so key.

*happy

Budapest "Our children's generation will have to work hard for less, but they will never know they are missing out unless you tell them."

But of course they will know, they will read, they will hear stories from older people...you can't stop them finding out what happened in the past.

Having grown up in a very dysfunctional, unhappy family, I do think that any child who grows up in a happy family is lucky, regardless of the size of house. I was worried about my children going to the local comp but it's been great. They are happy and progressing very well. Dd1 did a lot better in her gcses than i did at my grammar. (Not private but we lived in a grammar area. Don't now)

I feel this too, OP - but unlike you and a lot of people on this thread I think it is my/DH's fault, rather than us being the victim of economic circumstance. I grew up wealthy because my dad, who grew up working class, had a fairly senior job in banking. My parents gave us loads of advantages that I benefited hugely from, and ended up going to Cambridge. But I then followed the 'follow your dreams!' ethos they'd given me, did a PhD and became a very insecurely employed academic for a decade before giving it up and going into university professional services middle management after having children. I married a man who grew up in similar privilege, went to Oxford and gave up his career in management consultancy in the city to become a secondary school teacher in his early 30s. Before kids I felt good and quite smug about our choices to follow passion not money but now I look at what all my university friends can give their children and feel awful for the fact I basically squandered my huge privilege so I can no longer pass it on. I have to live with it - it is what it is - but it's not a pleasant feeling and I do think it's of my own making.

I hear you OP

I read somewhere that this generation (us), are the first generation ever to be worse off than their parents generation.

Millennials have been fucked left right and centre. And no, no matter how much sacrificing of avocado on toast I'll do, I still won't be able to afford the same sort of house I grew up in.

And yes, I got good grades, I went to a good university, I got a good job. And it's still not good enough.

MC standards of living have crashed in 30 years. You work much harder to get much less.

'Levelling' = Levelling down.

This is such a non-issue.

Your children won't miss things they've never had.

State schools give kids a god education or are you worried about losing the 'public school privilege' status? In which case you're a snob. Or are your worried that you're not 'upper' upper-middle class enough?

You're happy, healthy, have a nice house and can afford to eat and pay the bills. Count yourselves lucky!

You should be teaching your children how to be decent people, not worry about not having as much money as someone else.

Haha 'good education'. Looks like mine didn't teach me how to avoid typos...

Its difficult isnt it? Yes, I agree the boomer generation who often gripe and moan had a piece of luck with house prices in the SE and London.

Also when I was growing up we had two TV's - most only had one. We had one landline, now people have a mobile each and lots of teens demand the latest phone stating they would be laughed at if they didnt.

Foreign holidays were less common but we did have many many more grammars something I think we shouldnt have scrapped. Yes, I know there are great comps but if the UK education system was good there wouldnt be a need for the private sector.

My DS was at the end of his education during the pandemic. The difference between how the state and private system managed the pandemic was truly shocking.

I understand your frustration OP, but it's mainly down to factors outside of your control. We are going to have to get out of the mindset that future generations will always do better.

My parents both left school at 14 or 15, and father had a decent job, but not management level or anything. On one wage they could afford 3 kids and a semi detached 4 bed house in a nice middle class area, we had foreign holidays, 2 cars growing up, my mother was a SAHM. Their house is now worth about 600k.

They just bought at the right time, and wages went much farther. The neighbours on either side are young families, both parents are working full time in high end jobs (IT, pharmaceuticals). But you know what, those kids will have a great education, lots of tech stuff and clothes, toys, good food, healthcare and entertainment that previous generations didn't have. It's a different kind of wealth I guess.

My siblings and I will never have what my parents ended up with, despite having far more education than they had. They are richer now in retirement than they have ever been. However they were poor when they were younger and did struggle when they were first married. They had struggles that we never did. But my mother said before that they always believed things would get better, I guess not so much anymore.

But it's nobodies fault, just how society has gone - house prices are out of reach for many people. I think it's more that this was seen as the basic standard to aspire to, and now it's not going to happen for a lot of people. It's harder to adjust down rather than up I think, especially if you grew up in that.

Try not to let it get you down, you can provide a good life for your children with love and attention, that's what matters.

I went to private school (through much sacrifice from my parents). I'm now a partner in a London law firm but I couldn't afford to educate my children privately (they are now university age) either. I think it's probably normal to feel sad about this (if private school and its trappings are what you want for your kids). However, my kids went to state schools, both say they wouldn't have wanted to go to private school now, and (generalisation coming next) I think they have a much more balanced and normal view of what the world is like for most people as a result. Focus on the positives.

Don't make the mistake of thinking private equals better! It often doesn't.

they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class

They really didn’t. That isn’t how social class works. It takes generations to consolidate class. They were working class and gave you a middle class upbringing. Your children will also be middle class.

My kids started their education in the private system, but times got tough, money got tight and school fees went through the roof, so we had to pull then out. Yes, I think they remember the 'privilege' of it fondly (rolling fields, Hogwarts style dining hall) but I'm not sure the always got a better education in the private school (the teaching is as hit and miss as state TBH). Your kids don't know they are missing out on that stuff. Maybe you can think of some things you regret not having and resolve to help them get that? Maybe choosing subjects they love instead of being railroaded? Encouraging them in a gap year? That sort of thing. Your childhood can't have been that perfect.. or can it?

Generational circumstances have always changed. My great grandparents had their own factory and string of shops and my grandfather had a private tutor - that was seen as more respectable than any school. The money was all lost in various inheritance disputes and my grandfather ended up working in a factory and brought my mother up in a respectable bit modest working-class house.
The idea that generational wealth stays the same or keeps increasing is not true. So your situation is nothing new and will always happen.
And every generation has their opportunities some take advantage of. Some young people these days are becoming millionaires through cryptocurrency, others will do so in the future through robotics. Some people are good at spotting and taking advantage of the next big economic opportunity. Most of us are not.