To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

I am not wealthy. But I know two young people who have both made a lot of money out of taking advantage of current opportunities.
Neither though had been funnelled into the classic middle-class occupations.
The idea there are no opportunities out there for young people is simply wrong.

I do find all this naval gazing a tad indulgent if I'm honest. It doesn't matter what happened before, it's in the past and it can't be changed. It doesn't matter that my mum bought her house for 9k because you can't now. It doesn't matter to my sons that I was lucky enough to buy in 1998 a couple of years before the prices sky rocketed because they won't be able to. You can only live and work with what is available to you in the here and now. Keep doing the 'it's not fair' thing doesn't get you anywhere.

You need to get over that the opportunities available now aren't the same as they were then.

Everything is better for children today:

Less bullying, racism, sexism, homophobia and general intolerance. Adults who will listen to them. Safeguarding. They have the internet and access to untold knowledge. A generation of medical breakthroughs.

You need to get it in perspective.

We live in a different world now. We gave our children a lovely home that we own , great education and they have all gone to decent Universitys but their earning powers lower and cost of living is a lot higher than ours were at their age! They do not have the same aspirations that we had despite good professional jobs because it is almost unattainable in our area because house prices are through the roof !

@IsDaveThere

You are embarrassed that you can't send your children to private school and can't afford a big house?

You are very lucky that you can afford a house at all. Your kids don't know any different, they won't care.

this.

If your child has SEN, today is better than the past.
And I am in my fifties. Current times feel like under Thatcher except we also had huge unemployment then. Getting a job was very tough.
Things will change massively over your child lifetime. They will have access to opportunities we cant imagine and face challenges we cant imagine. Their life may end up being better than yours, or it may not.
If there is one thing I have learned, it is that most of the predictions made about the future end up being wrong.

So when I was a teenager it was predicted we would have by now had a nuclear war, England would be largely underwater, the ozone layer would have made it too dangerous to go outside when it was sunny, overpopulation would have destroyed the green belt, etc etc.

Nobody really knows what the future holds.

On paper I'm in a similar boat. But it wouldn't occur to me to feel guilty or embarrassed about it. It's not like I've squandered my parents' and grandparents' wealth, the world has just changed an awful lot in a few decades.

Ultimately my children are happy and healthy, and I don't think they'd be better off in any real sense if they did have all the trappings that I 'benefited' from. FWIW I went to a very well-regarded single-sex independent boarding school and still bear the scars from it.

@AutistAwayWithUrConditionalLuv

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class

In other words, are you saying you've not gotten where your parents are because you're not working as hard, not as intelligent and don't have as much luck?

No. Intergenerational inbalance

Where does the idea that 'each generation has had it better than the generation before' come from?? Did the 19 year olds with their feet rotting in trenches in the Somme have it better than the previous generation? Did the young parents in London bombed out of their homes have it better than their parents? Why do people believe such utter bollocks when it's clearly not true?

Every single generation has been subject to the circumstances they find themselves in and the random good and bad luck that comes from that. The boomer generation was weird because they were living in the aftermath of two world wars which happened within a single lifetime. Looking at them and feeling aggrieved and hard done by is immature and pointless.

Maybe every generation has had its share of whiny moaners, but I can't help but thinking my fellow adults are so....wet for want of a better term. Always complaining about what they don't have, getting worked up about who has better than they do. I thought people would have grown out of this behaviour by their 30s at the latest but it just persists. Will they still be looking jealously at everyone else when they're 70? Will they go to their deathbed thinking 'I was entitled to more'?

Get over it. Get on with it. You are the adult generation now, the future depends on you. Stop whining FFS!

In the same boat. I had no uni fees. In a good job but can’t give my children anything near what my parents did. I think officially my generation will be the first in recent history to be poorer than the previous one.

The most important thing is that your children are loved. Other than having a roof over our heads and food in the cupboard, wishing for other things is materialistic and your children won't be any happier for having them, if anything, you will project your unhappiness and negatives onto your children and teach them happiness cannot be gained without money

As others have commented - in a weird way, your parents did not become upper middle class. if they had, they would be paying the school fees and you should have a trust fund.

the reality is that yes, your parents went up a class but so did those people who were already upper middle class. my impression in london is that those people who came from an upper middle class background did alright and are alright- because their parents now have multiple properties, put lots of money towards their millennial children's future e.g. house deposits, trust funds, school fees for the grandkids etc etc.

so It's just that for a few years people who were lower class, felt like they had achieved the trappings of a middle class lifestyle. however, many will find that their properties will go into paying for care and their kids are back where they started.

You sound like a snob and very materialistic if you think private school, a big house and foreign holidays make for a happier childhood. If this is how a lot of people think nowadays no wonder so many people suffer from mental health problems.

I understand how you feel. We grew up in a detached house, decent garden, mum worked very part time. All my friends had detached houses with massive gardens, a couple had boats.

My mental health is shit and I don't work. This means we can't afford a detached house so we live in a semi. I don't think this should be a source of embarrassment but for me it is. Not sure why, I don't judge anyone else who lives in flats or semis, only myself!

We weren't private schooled but I would have loved to provide that for my kid.

Your kids won't question it though. I never questioned why I wasn't private schooled. So I don't think my kid will question why we live in a semi. I think society is built in a way that suggests we are always 'lacking'. When really we have so much. You just want the best for your kids, as we all do. Maybe you need to take a good hard look at all the wonderful things you do provide.

I feel exactly the same. I don't care about having 2 cars or a big house. But I do care about the education. Private school is not an option and I (sadly) believe it's more necessary now than it was in my time. Homes are getting so expensive only those with parental help or extremely well paid jobs will afford them. It's predominantly people from private schools that get these. I have a good job but not in the sectors that make the sort of money you need to pay school fees.

It's so sad that this is the way it is. Maybe it's the Tory government but social mobility seems to be back peddling. My father came from a council estate to become a partner at a well known, global surveying company. He was able to do this leaving school at 16 and through apprenticeship not uni. That journey isn't possible now. My children will be markedly worse off than I was . I feel guilty also that I didn't make better choices in terms of my career. I wish I'd thought more about money and been less frivolous.

Yes, I M aware I'm very lucky. But we all compare ourselves to what we know. It's human.

Your kids need their parents to love them and be present. That is the bottom line.

The significant transfer of wealth to the top 5%/1%/0.1%/0.01% didn't happen by accident and will continue. The sugar coating is that it is the fault of the 99% who don't work hard enough or are not clever enough and should feel embarrassed and there are hard working graduates across the world who will steal their lunch didn't happen by accident either. The message that others have succeeded shows success is possible and you chose not to work hard, be intelligent, prioritise differently...

Ok so you sound a bit like you have a socio-economic situation similar to mine. I am able to give my children a middle class upbringing with money for food, necessities etc etc and enough left over for extras.

I was raised in second hand clothes, no holidays, central heating etc rationed, sink school, unskilled worker parents.

Firstly, as a result of my upbringing, I refuse to educate my children privately and I couldn't afford to right now anyway. They already have enough privilege and I don't think spending money on an expensive education will make them into any better or rounded adults than anyone else. Also one has SEN and attends one of the best SEN schools in our county, and I can't see how a private school could or would be any better.

We live in a three bed semi in the South East, which we own (mortgaged). I consider this to be an absolutely enormous privilege.

The children have access to books, art, plenty of learning and enriching toys, and the knowledge of two parents who are educated to postgraduate level. Again, I consider this to be an enormous privilege.

I guess what I'm saying is that what you see as a bit shit, I see as absolutely whopping privilege. So I guess the point of me sharing is to offer a bit of a reality check.

@ModMajGeneral

Everything is better for children today:

Less bullying, racism, sexism, homophobia and general intolerance. Adults who will listen to them. Safeguarding. They have the internet and access to untold knowledge. A generation of medical breakthroughs.

You need to get it in perspective.

Not exactly. The internet and smart phones mean bullying has taken other forms. Social media and it's pressures can cause anxiety. Racism, sexism and homophobia have not gone away. Exposure to porn online means boys have skewed expectations of girls.

Not every child has an adult who will listen to them, is protected from harm, or even has internet access.

It's normal for our generation, try to go easy on yourself.

When I was born we lived in a 3-bed semi, both our kids were born when we lived in a 2-bed flat and spent the first 3 and 6 years of their lives there. DH used to feel bad (but has got over it now) that he wouldn't be able to educate his kids privately like he was, but I never wanted to anyway. I remember explaining that it's not his fault - it's just something that has gone out of the reach of 'people like us'.

YEP! Money was never an issue in my family, my dad was very successful, at one point we had a nanny, a gardener, a cleaner, an ironing lady- great holidays and private education.
I earn ok but will never achieve what my dad did- ironically partly because in my later childhood years after my mum died he became an alcoholic.
I'm aware that on paper though Ive failed given all the opportunities I was given.

Nope, don’t identify with this at all! If I can give any kids a stable roof over their heads, heating, lighting, enough food to eat and a non-hoarded house full of dried out cat shit, then I am doing better than my parents!

@TheDailyCarbunkle

Where does the idea that 'each generation has had it better than the generation before' come from?? Did the 19 year olds with their feet rotting in trenches in the Somme have it better than the previous generation? Did the young parents in London bombed out of their homes have it better than their parents? Why do people believe such utter bollocks when it's clearly not true?

Every single generation has been subject to the circumstances they find themselves in and the random good and bad luck that comes from that. The boomer generation was weird because they were living in the aftermath of two world wars which happened within a single lifetime. Looking at them and feeling aggrieved and hard done by is immature and pointless.

Maybe every generation has had its share of whiny moaners, but I can't help but thinking my fellow adults are so....wet for want of a better term. Always complaining about what they don't have, getting worked up about who has better than they do. I thought people would have grown out of this behaviour by their 30s at the latest but it just persists. Will they still be looking jealously at everyone else when they're 70? Will they go to their deathbed thinking 'I was entitled to more'?

Get over it. Get on with it. You are the adult generation now, the future depends on you. Stop whining FFS!

I find this post really interesting

I don't whine out loud

But I do look at my parents house and find it unbelievable I grew up there. It's not posh but the rooms seem huge to me now.

And I am sorry we can't provide that, for ourselves as well, I won't lie. I wish I had prioritised money over everything else but there's no one to blame for that except me.

I feel like my generation whines about stupid things but I guess I don't put cost of living on the list of stupid things.

You sound like a snob and very materialistic if you think private school, a big house and foreign holidays make for a happier childhood. If this is how a lot of people think nowadays no wonder so many people suffer from mental health problems not materialistic at all, the OP isn't saying designer clothes and fast cars;
big house: room for kids to have their own space, a decent area to do homework, easily have friends round
foreign holidays: experience different cultures
private education: smaller class sizes and better resources

assuming all else equal, like good health and love, these things are the things to strive for.

OnlyFoolsnMothers "I'm aware that on paper though Ive failed given all the opportunities I was given."

So have I. Excellent username btw.