To feel so guilty I can’t give my kids the same advantages in life that I had

[Movingsoon21]

Feeling pretty low at the moment as I’m struggling with the fact I’ll be giving my children less advantages in life than my parents gave me Wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or has any positive words of wisdom for me?

My parents came from humble beginnings but through hard work, intelligence and a bit of luck along the way (buying their first house after the market had just crashed) they ended up becoming upper middle class from being working class, gave my siblings and I a private education, a nice big house, amazing holidays and all the extra curricular activities we wanted. My mum worked part time so we had plenty of time with her and my dad was very hands on at weekends.

I have also worked hard, did well at school, have a decent career and my DH is similar (neither of us are bankers but both work in professions and are doing OK at them) - his family has a similar background story to mine and we have a shared vision for the sort of life we want for our children (similar to our own childhood). But for some reason, we just can’t see ourselves being able to afford the same things as our parents did .

Don’t get me wrong, we’re not struggling for basic necessities or anything like that and I know we’re very lucky compared to many families, but I don’t see us ever affording private school and although we can afford an ok house, it will be nothing like the properties our parents managed to have. We both work full time as well, whereas DH’s mum didn’t work and my mum only worked part time.

I know a lot of this is down to the different economic circumstances we are facing (in particular unlucky time buying a house and private school fees increasing way out of line with wage increases), but I just feel so bad not being able to give my kids the same privileges we had growing up. I’m also embarrassed about it tbh - I never saw myself being in this position, yet here I am!

Anyone else faced similar? I feel most generations tend to do better than the last and am just so depressed about doing worse.

One bit of my family (who had had their own business pre war) post war were forced into selling their home for a pittance under compulsory purchase.
That was a familial bummer.

Misses point but you can't become upper middle class from being working class. Would always be lower middle class / plain old middle class. I think what you meant is they became rich.

Yes and to get rich enough from poor beginnings to pay for private schooling was outperforming the average family by a long way.

I don’t think class is about money or material possessions. Nor do I think private schools make that big a difference nor having a huge house.
Listening to your children, reading to them, speaking to them, spending quality time together, fresh healthy walks, nice holidays can be camping etc and do not need to be 5 star hotels. Art/books/music/nature much more important. Plus with the internet children can gain cultural experiences indirectly online.
If you are intelligent and look out for your children you will be able to select nice schools for them, spend time with other nice families etc. Experiences are what counts.

So perhaps I have missed something. My parents brought in London (£5k house in the 60's) but I dont understand how that would mean that they can afford private school and a BTL. We had to live somewhere.

House was worth over a million when sold but that is funding care home fees. They were I guess asset rich and cash poor although they did both work (DM was a school teacher)

I went to private school. My DC don't. My childhood house and my current house are fairly similar, but I grew up in a very desirable, affluent place with great weather. My DC are growing up in Yorkshire ( although there is less crime and traffic here and obviously I prefer it as it's where I chose to live). So in some ways DC aren't growing up in an equal or better way to me.

However, Dmum and Ddad both grew up with either DV and/ or emotional abuse. I grew up with multiple divorces, step families, and death of a parent at a young age. My DC have experienced none of this ( touch wood), so I'm considering their childhood a win so far. Private school isn't everything.

It’s not the so called boomers fault. They didn’t have a big jamboree in the 70’s and 80’s to plan all this. Fiscally they were a generation that worried about inflation and unemployment, not housing or private schools. They just bought homes and preferred that over renting. Inflation did the rest.

Thanks for pointing this out, @LemonTT. We boomers get a bit tired of being blamed for the price of housing.

I don't think private schooling is all that, tbh. I got a scholarship to an independent school, but it didn't make up for the fact that I had a dysfunctional family and grew up on the roughest council estate in Croydon.

Having said that, a few friends/family members whose kids are still at school spent a bit of money on tutoring and succeeded in getting scholarships to independents, or moved to areas where there are state grammars. Would this be worth exploring?

A colleague's daughter managed to get a scholarship to Roedean. Not a full scholarship, but it made it affordable. And my SIL's kids got a big chunk off their fees because they got sports scholarships. DNiece got into a state grammar in Kent, as did a friend's daughter, and my DSS went to one in Sutton.

But you can’t really believe that children whose parents can afford those things are the only ones who can have lovely childhoods? My parents didn’t have loads of money when we were growing up, we had a perfectly nice but not huge house, there was no way private schooling was on the agenda. But I had a wonderful childhood, our parents spent time with us, loved us for who we were, and made us feel safe and secure and loved. I have lovely memories of my childhood and there’s nothing that stands out to me where a lot of money would have been needed- camping holidays, bonfire nights, trips to see Christmas lights. Just time spent in the company of people who love and accept you. Private school isn’t the be all and end all!

[quote julieca]@HesterShaw1 solid middle management was a good job. And a secretary was for many retired women the best job women could often get in the past. Secretaries in the past are more equivalent to PAs now.[/quote]
I know it was a good job. But he was hardly a high flyer.

And I know that secretary was the best she could do at the time, even though she was pretty capable. She worked for some pigs of men and was pretty badly paid. She was also part time. Nowadays it would barely cover the childcare. And we were also trusted to come home to an empty house from the age of nine in a way that would be unacceptable nowadays, so that's another expense parents have now which their parents did not have.

They were comfortably off with a nice house in a way that people on similar levels now would not be.

I grew up in a six bed house with staff quarters attached. DH grew up in a beautiful house with a drive in drive out drive and a housekeeper. Those houses are both worth about 1.5 million now. We live in something far more modest.

Also, nowadays life seems just more expensive than it did in the 70s and 80s. People want more stuff and their children do too.

@Lollolloll Area mainly. Friend lives in commutable distance to London & Cambridge, making more opportunities in different fields. Surrounded by similar people with similar aspirations.

We live in ex-mining town with very high unemployment and low expectations. There aren’t really any decent jobs here. They set a task force up a few years ago to tackle what they called ‘aspirational poverty’. I don’t think it made much difference.

It’s crap and I hate living here. I live in real fear of redundancy; I have to travel as it is and if I lost the job I have now, I’d no way be able to find anything similar (my wage is only just above £20k) and I’m restricted due to an injury; I can’t lift/carry. I just don’t see these areas getting better.

I don’t think anyone is blaming the baby boomers, just pointing out things are different now. Average house prices are far greater compared with average salaries than they were back in the day. The impression I get from the OP is that the parents in this case have made lots of how hard they worked etc when in todays times their hard work would not have yielded the same lifestyle.
If you love your kids and spend time with them when not working you don’t need to feel guilty. Most people I know who send their children to private school have access to the previous generations money to at least partly pay the fees.

I mean if people are struggling with no being able to buy as large a house as their parents, or afford private school…..it must be 100 times worse for those completely able to access adequate housing at all or putting food on the table.

It’s all relative but we should be so lucky to be worrying about these types of concerns.

@Franklin12

So perhaps I have missed something. My parents brought in London (£5k house in the 60's) but I dont understand how that would mean that they can afford private school and a BTL. We had to live somewhere.

House was worth over a million when sold but that is funding care home fees. They were I guess asset rich and cash poor although they did both work (DM was a school teacher)

Because if they were more financially savvy, they would have used the huge amount of equity on their property to remortgage and release cash to buy BTLs and make other cash generative investments...

If they didn't and just held onto the house for years until retirement, then yeah you wouldn't have seen any impact.

Watching because we are in exactly the same boat!

In practice, kids of parents with only one house are no longer upper middle class. Upper middle classes of yesteryears now have a property portfolio. So no your parents were never upper middle class ans neither were you. Their one house will probably go on nursing fees. The upper middle classes of before will have multiple and have passed their inheritance onto their kids early to avoid taxes

@IsDaveThere

You are embarrassed that you can't send your children to private school and can't afford a big house?

You are very lucky that you can afford a house at all. Your kids don't know any different, they won't care.

this.

A post about feeling sorry for yourself because you are privileged but not super mega privileged lol.

No one needs private school and a million-pound house, if you think THATS the important thing in childhood then I feel sorry for all the non-material things you clearly lacked to focus so heavily on those non-essential empty things.

You own a house. That’s more than so so so many families. That’s a massive achievement.
Do not underestimate the value of that stability, the fact your children have an actual base. A home. Somewhere they can have pets, redecorate, play. Make memories. It’s so so precious.

Private education is relatively much more expensive than when I was school aged. My parents weren't huge earners but were able to afford it at the time. People like them wouldn't have been able to afford private education today.
I could easily afford to send mine but they all refused to go. I wasn't that keen on my own school days so I didn't force it upon them. I think I'd have felt like the OP if the option to do it simply wasn't there.

I have a theory that the more perfect a life is on SM, the more of a shit shambles it is behind the scenes. Happy people just live their lives, they don't need to record every #preciousmoment.

My husband and I have recently separated. He was hardly there for the children when they were young. Didn't ever come to any plays/nativities/concerts they did as he was always working.
My children (now adults in their late 20's/30's) said they wish he had been there more for them. We moved house 3 times when they were little. Each move to a 'bigger' house. They say they would have preferred to stay in the small house (each had their own bedroom) and to have had more of a relationship with their Dad.

Sometimes I felt like I was bringing them up on their own.
Please don't worry about the material things as long as they are clothed and fed all. Just make sure you are there for them. You have family days (they don't have to be expensive).

My parents keep asking why we haven’t paid our mortgage off yet (late 30s) as our house is only small and we are in jobs that pay well
above the average. They just haven’t a clue about how unaffordable housing is these days. And private schooling? If you have two kids you’d have to have £30k a year after tax spare at least to afford that. Who on earth has that sort of money lying around?

@Kfjsjdbd

Watching because we are in exactly the same boat!

The same pretty comfortable and sea worthy boat.....even if not a great big yacht

Hi OP we are in the same position 100%. My parents have been very generous and given us lump sums for wedding and house deposits for which we are so so grateful. I also know they will leave a decent chunk of money for our children in their will which I feel takes some pressure off DH and I to save money for them.
I went to state school but we had lovely houses, went skiing and summer holiday yearly, all the clubs. We weren't spoilt but money was never an issue/a reason we couldn't do something IYSWIM.
My parents are lovely and 100% know that their wealth is partly good career choices (GP and lawyer!) but also hugely due to being in the lucky boomer generation, making 10's/100's of thousands on houses and inflation boosting salaries. Cost of living also more reasonable.
DH and I have 'good' jobs and on paper should be fine but money is v v v tight. We live month to month which I never thought we would do (sounding spoilt there as I know that is the norm tbh!).
Let it go. Appreciate your childhood and realise they will still have a lovely life. Holidays aren't everything. Big presents, days out, toys etc aren't everything. If you love them, value them, listen and respect them they will have a lovely childhood. I feel guilty mine have never been abroad when I had been 10 times by their ages (6 and 3) but that's life! One day we will and it'll be even more special.