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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a lodger!

172 replies

Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:17

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 15/11/2021 07:20

Where does the lodger come into it? 🧐

Onatree · 15/11/2021 07:22

Whut

Cruiser123 · 15/11/2021 07:24

What does this have to do with a lodger? Do you want to cuckold him? 😂😂😂😂 Laughing my head off here and it's only 7:23 am in the morning

Clymene · 15/11/2021 07:25

My thought is what has a lodger got to do with your dull sex life

freeingNora · 15/11/2021 07:25

She's talking about her DH becoming a lodger

TulipsTwoLips · 15/11/2021 07:25

I think the OP is saying without sex it is more like living with a lodger.

Cocopogo · 15/11/2021 07:25

It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on him to perform that it’s making the situation worse

MyOtherProfile · 15/11/2021 07:25

Well that's not what I expected from the title 😆

freeingNora · 15/11/2021 07:26

Have you thought maybe about visiting love honey and order some things to keep you occupied are you sure it's sex your craving and not intimacy

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/11/2021 07:27

Presumably that it feels like he's just a lodger , not someone she's in a relationship with

If he's not willing to try and change things there's not much you can do except leave

fallfallfall · 15/11/2021 07:28

Isn’t it more like a brotherly love relationship vs “lodger”.
Your choice is masterbation or leave.

drpet49 · 15/11/2021 07:29

* It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on him to perform that it’s making the situation worse*

^I agree

EmeraldShamrock · 15/11/2021 07:31

That is hard when you have a higher sex drive and he is stuck in a routine of sameness.
It gets boring quickly.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/11/2021 07:32

I think there’s a bigger issue in the relationship if not having sex for a week makes him feel like a lodger to you. Surely there must love or intimacy found outside the bedroom.

Malibuismysecrethome · 15/11/2021 07:32

Imagine if it was a man writing this

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 07:33

Why would he feel like a lodger?

Its his home too. Its not your home where he rents a room. How odd, that you would consider him to have very little rights in your home unless he has sex with you more or becomes less vanilla.

I am hoping it's just an incorrect turn of phrase.

You want different things from your sex life. He isn't interested in changing it up and if it doesn't interest him to do certain things then he shouldn't have to do them.

But you don't have to live with it. Probably an open marriage or split, I would think.

wjahyrdy · 15/11/2021 07:33

So confused, I thought you were having to get a lodger in to have sex with instead.

MyOtherProfile · 15/11/2021 07:34

Do you own the house by yourself, OP? Is that why you're talking about a lodger? Is it not DHs house too?

Treseme · 15/11/2021 07:34

I think an issue of 20+ years isn't going to get better. He can't change who he is (and shouldn't have to).

Are you close emotionally? Do you enjoy time together?

Personally I wouldn't end a good relationship of 20+ years because of this, but I'd definitely end a bad one, if you're unhappy in other ways.

Suprima · 15/11/2021 07:42

This is why women shouldn’t settle.

He’s always had ED, you have been together for 20 years.

A partner with ED is incompatible with a high sex drive- even if they are creative with other parts of their body.

Nothing you can really do OP. He could be doing a little more with the lifestyle changes, but he isn’t as bothered about sex as you are.

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:43

Lodger was a tongue in cheek comment - he may as well be (at least I’d get some rent) as he isn’t interested in sex at all. Maybe a lodger IS the answer 🤫😉

OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:47

He shouldn’t have to change but it has become resentful by me - I feel as though he has trapped me. To me sex is really important, the intimacy etc. I know others may disagree … otherwise he may as well be a lodger. I just become sexually frustrated - even with masturbation the orgasms are different with myself than him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:48
Grin
OP posts:
Fireflygal · 15/11/2021 07:50

Does he not contribute to the household finances at all?

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:52

I find the rights in the home a little offensive . Quick to say that I consider him to have little rights unless he has sex with me but not I have little rights because he won’t have sex: it works both ways.
Everyone has rights and to me part of being married is having a healthy sex life - otherwise he may as well be a (housemate) aka a lodger!

OP posts: