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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a lodger!

172 replies

Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:17

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 15/11/2021 07:53

Where does the lodger come into it?

You know how when you lodge with someone you have sex once a week or so in a 'fairly vanilla' way? Like that.

No, me either, but I think OP has some unusual accomodation rental expectations.

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 07:55

How had he trapped you if sex was always an issue.

You chose to marry him, stay with him, build a life with him. No one trapped.

You are unhappy with the situation. Bit placing all the blame on him to absolve yourself isn't going to help you make a decision.

Gilly12345 · 15/11/2021 07:56

Lodger? He is your Husband.

Does he not contribute currently to household finances?

Not everything in life has to involve sex, surely having a loving, supportive, kind partner in life matters?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/11/2021 07:57

If I was your husband I'd be off. You can't tell another adult to start sleeping more and drink less coffee so you can sex pester him. That's just awful.
Instead of behaving like this you need to have a heart to heart and both decide what you want out of this marriage, he may decide he doesn't want this.
My ex husband made my life a living misery with his constant demands and pestering, life wasn't worth living.

TravellingSpoon · 15/11/2021 07:58

People are being very harsh to the OP, its obvious what she meant by the lodger, even if she didnt explain herself.

MsHedgehog · 15/11/2021 08:00

@Zamboryff

I find the rights in the home a little offensive . Quick to say that I consider him to have little rights unless he has sex with me but not I have little rights because he won’t have sex: it works both ways. Everyone has rights and to me part of being married is having a healthy sex life - otherwise he may as well be a (housemate) aka a lodger!
Well if you think he’s a lodger because he doesn’t have a high sex drive, clearly you do view him as having few rights…

I know it was meant to be tongue in cheek, but it comes across really disrespectful and does suggest you put a lot of pressure on your husband to have sex. Sex is important in a relationship, but just as a man can’t expect it from his wife whenever he wants, nor should a woman.

MyOtherProfile · 15/11/2021 08:03

Ah you're confusing housemate and lodger. Two very different terms. Housemate I can see, lodger not unless you own the house individually and he moved in with you.

As for pressurising him for sex - imagine what people would say if a man posted this about his wife!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/11/2021 08:04

Well if you orgasm every time what's the problem or is this all just a stealth boast.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 08:04

If he’s had ED “for as long as you can remember” but has nonetheless been for tests, treatment etc and takes Viagra, then he’s doing his part to try to satisfy you, isn’t he? He hasn’t just given up, and you knew it was an issue when you got together and married him.

The nature of sexual consent means that if one partner is not comfortable with something then they shouldn’t be expected to do it, so your ‘it’s always vanilla and not what I want’ seems logical if his taste doesn’t match yours.

If you’re sexually incompatible and it’s a big issue for you, I’m afraid I think you need to seek the solution yourself not lay the blame on him. You have options to leave, discuss an open relationship etc.

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 08:07

@Zamboryff

I find the rights in the home a little offensive . Quick to say that I consider him to have little rights unless he has sex with me but not I have little rights because he won’t have sex: it works both ways. Everyone has rights and to me part of being married is having a healthy sex life - otherwise he may as well be a (housemate) aka a lodger!
But a housemate isn't a lodger and a housemate isnt always a Co-owner. That's why I said I hope it was badly phrased.

Because if he feels like a lodger, that would mean you view him as having no rights.

But then, if he has sex how and when you want....he is viewed as a husband again.

You don't have a right to have sex with anyone. You may want to and may feel its part of a relationship (which I get) but no, you don't have a right to have sex as often as you want and how you want with someone who isn't on board with that.

MichelleScarn · 15/11/2021 08:08

@Malibuismysecrethome

Imagine if it was a man writing this
Quite, especially the When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes.

Although ops idea of vanilla/not vanilla could be aeons apart from others! Confused

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:09

@Suprima … fairly scary to realise that he isn’t bothered and the choices are … stay and be miserable bc sex is important to me, stay and have an affair/open marriage or go … oh and that I’ve become so dependent on someone that I would stay and be miserable … hmmm more to process than I had thought

OP posts:
JustAnother30Something · 15/11/2021 08:10

You have sex what, every 10 days, and you cum every time?

Hardly a sexless marriage is it?

And as for lodger, how many people fuck their lodger a few times a month?

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:11

@Malibuismysecrethome. I don’t understand what a man writing it has to do with anything? Definitely missed something here ?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 15/11/2021 08:15

@Zamboryff if a male came on stating it wasn't worth being with his female partner and it was like she was a lodger in his house, because she wouldn't do what he wanted sexually as often as he wanted it and the sex she had with him was 'vanilla' I.e boring, despite advising they had sex about weekly, the reeking entitlement would have their arse handed to them.

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 08:15

[quote Zamboryff]@Suprima … fairly scary to realise that he isn’t bothered and the choices are … stay and be miserable bc sex is important to me, stay and have an affair/open marriage or go … oh and that I’ve become so dependent on someone that I would stay and be miserable … hmmm more to process than I had thought[/quote]
Then become less dependent on him then.

This is a situation of your own choosing and now experiencing the him to change to because you are fed up.

Apart from the options you listed.......the only other one is trying to force him to change. Which will not work and is not ok to do.

So what's your solution?

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:18

@JustAnother30Something maybe not sexless but definitely a lot less sex than I would like. Sex is always on his terms, when he wants it . If he has an erection … we have sex. If I want sex well it starts off with intimacy etc but he can’t perform. It has got to the stage where I don’t even initiate anymore bc I feel like he is pressured and it turns me on and yes selfishly I resent this. I’m left feeling extremely horny and well just angry! 20 years is a long time to be patient, kind, understanding etc. and I feel he uses it as a weapon against me - always on his terms . You can tell it has now become irrational !!! 🤨😱
maybe I should be less focused on the sex? We have a great relationship - get on, no arguing (except over sex), he is fab with DS x 3,

OP posts:
TableTopTennis · 15/11/2021 08:18

@TulipsTwoLips

I think the OP is saying without sex it is more like living with a lodger.
Yes, I don't understand why so many people were confused by this analogy. It was a good one and very clear.

OP, please don't go down the 'open marriage/affair route'. It has disaster written all over it. It's really not fair to use someone else (the OM) as a commodity to fill a gap in your own life. The lies and deceit will take their toll on you. You will be living two half lives instead of one full life. And it could devastate your partner if he found out. Have an honest conversation with your partner about this being a deal killer and see what comes from that.

Wiredforsound · 15/11/2021 08:19

Leave him if you can’t be happy with him. He’s not going to change. Or do get a lodger. A sexy lodger.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 08:19

[quote Zamboryff]@Malibuismysecrethome. I don’t understand what a man writing it has to do with anything? Definitely missed something here ?[/quote]
If you were a man, and you wrote that

Every week I want more sex and different, kinkier sex than my wife is comfortable with. I’m unsatisfied even though we have sex at least once a week and she suffers from a health issue that makes it difficult to fully take part. She’s on medication and has had lots of investigation for this health issue, but I’m still unsatisfied and want more and different sex than I’m getting. Masturbation isn’t enough to satisfy me - I think she should do more to meet my needs. Otherwise our 20-year marriage is like she’s just a lodger in my house.

Would you feel that man was being reasonable?

Practicebeingpatient · 15/11/2021 08:21

I've been in your position for over 15 years OP. My DH just isn't interested in sex. I miss it but on balance I would rather have him with all his wonderful attributes than someone else and sex. Masturbation is the answer.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 08:23

Tabletop an open relationship is one where both parties agree it’s OK to have sex outside the relationship. An affair is conducted in secret. Her husband would need to be fully aware and on board with an open relationship. Don’t confuse the two!

MsHedgehog · 15/11/2021 08:24

[quote Zamboryff]@JustAnother30Something maybe not sexless but definitely a lot less sex than I would like. Sex is always on his terms, when he wants it . If he has an erection … we have sex. If I want sex well it starts off with intimacy etc but he can’t perform. It has got to the stage where I don’t even initiate anymore bc I feel like he is pressured and it turns me on and yes selfishly I resent this. I’m left feeling extremely horny and well just angry! 20 years is a long time to be patient, kind, understanding etc. and I feel he uses it as a weapon against me - always on his terms . You can tell it has now become irrational !!! 🤨😱
maybe I should be less focused on the sex? We have a great relationship - get on, no arguing (except over sex), he is fab with DS x 3,[/quote]
Not quite right to say it’s on his terms. If he suffers from ED (an illness), which means he struggles to get an erection, surely you both want to make good use of the time he does get an erection?

MichelleScarn · 15/11/2021 08:24

the choices are … stay and be miserable bc sex is important to me, stay and have an affair/open marriage or go …
If that's your plan? Go. Don't bring that level of selfish disaster into your children's lives. Would your dh not have to be on board.
'You'll need to pick up Tom from rugby tonight DH, I'm off for a casual shag"...Confused

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 08:26

OP, please don't go down the 'open marriage/affair route'. It has disaster written all over it. It's really not fair to use someone else (the OM) as a commodity to fill a gap in your own life. The lies and deceit will take their toll on you. You will be living two half lives instead of one full life. And it could devastate your partner if he found out. Have an honest conversation with your partner about this being a deal killer and see what comes from that.

What you have described is an affair. There wouldn't be lies and deciet. Both her husband and the people she was having sex with would be aware she was married and not looking to find someone to leave him for.