Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a lodger!

172 replies

Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:17

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:27

@MichelleScarn. oh I see!

It is about entitlement though? If you marry someone and you know they have a high sex drive and you know you don’t but don’t admit it or don’t tell them you don’t like sex then surely that is just plain cruel!
If you are the person with the high sex drive … the sensation doesn’t go away . It is awful, pulsing and constantly turned on. Hoping that sex will happen.

I do feel selfish bc plenty of people would be happy with a kind and loving man but I want a sex life that is not stressful and one that doesn’t now dominate my thoughts .e.g. if we have a spare Sunday I would think twice about inviting someone over for lunch bc that might be the only time when he might possibly want sex and if he suddenly felt the urge and someone was here then it would be waiting until next time … it is absolutely crazy … I know ! I mean I wouldn’t even know if he had the urge but … what if he might? It has become like a game of. Missed opportunities that you don’t even know exist …

OP posts:
VioletPetals · 15/11/2021 08:27

If you are unhappy in your relationship you need to talk to your husband and either find a way to work on the issues in a way that makes you both happy or split.

butterpuffed · 15/11/2021 08:27

I doubt he's happy at having ED but having sex every 8 or 9 days or so isn't that unusual and you say he's a very good lover. It could be much worse.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/11/2021 08:27

Sounds like it's not on his terms, but his cock's terms. With ED he may know when it will work and when it won't. He initiates sex when it will work. You initiate sex at other times and it doesn't work, but you blame him as a whole rather than his medical condition. You resent him because feel like he is deliberately withholding sex, but it's not him, it's his ED. He can't just get hard because you fancy sex; it's not a choice that he makes. I can't imagine any man with ED being up for lots of sex knowing that his cock will constantly let him down.

Pinkgorrilaz · 15/11/2021 08:30

It sounds to me like you're not happy with the way things are. Rather than ending up despising your DH, which it sounds like you do a bit already, why don't you end it now? It's awful to have a spouse who's constantly disappointed in you.

That way you both might end up happier.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 08:31

You need to go to counselling together and discuss all this with a therapist.

ThinWomansBrain · 15/11/2021 08:31

Lodger was a tongue in cheek comment - he may as well be (at least I’d get some rent)
does he not contribute at all financially? struggling that if you've been together 20 years, have children, it isn't a joint family home.

Cosyblankets · 15/11/2021 08:32

I'm just imagining the pressure this man is under

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:32

@Thingsdogetbetter I haven’t ever told him I blame him - realise this would destroy him even more . I do blame him though partly bc I don’t see him trying . He doesn’t take his tablet regularly - imagine if a women didn’t take her pill - I see it as same commitment. He drinks a lot of caffeine, he doesn’t take ownership of his own sleep length and when ED happens he just does nothing ! I know I sound like a whinging old bag … I really can see it but I’m so sexually miserable and am starting to realise how long it has been going on and that it will not get better …

OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:34

@ThinWomansBrain

Lodger was a tongue in cheek comment - he may as well be (at least I’d get some rent) does he not contribute at all financially? struggling that if you've been together 20 years, have children, it isn't a joint family home.
@ThinWomansBrain - it was a stab at humour. As in - lodgers don’t provide you with sex but they contribute financially, help out etc.
OP posts:
fournonblondes · 15/11/2021 08:34

In short you are not happy because sex is very important to you as to many people. This is not going to change. What can you do? Divorce, get a lover or accept this? We all have to accept things in our marriages because things are never perfect but depends if this a point where you won’t compromise.

Hoppinggreen · 15/11/2021 08:37

If it’s just the lack of sex that’s the issue it’s a bit harsh to say it’s just like having a lodger. Sex is an important part of a marriage for most people but it’s not the only difference between a lodger and a husband

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:38

@Cosyblankets no pressure at all… I don’t shout, rant, demand sex and it is always on his terms so he isn’t under any pressure to perform. We wait until he wants sex and when it doesn’t work we discuss it etc. we have a relationship with massage, dinners out, he paints my toenails, brushes my hair and I reciprocate … but the fundamental difference is our sex drive and appetite for at least a few position changes! I am not displaying a box of sex toys, parading round in my undies and grinding on him … there is no pressure - only the pressure he puts on himself bc he doesn’t fully know my inner (probably now paranoid/.irrational) thoughts …

OP posts:
Nyxly · 15/11/2021 08:39

But he didn't mislead you into thinking he had a High sex drive. Because you said it's always been an issue.

But also just because someone had a Hugh sex drive when they were younger, doesn't mean that will always be the case.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 08:39

[quote Zamboryff]@Thingsdogetbetter I haven’t ever told him I blame him - realise this would destroy him even more . I do blame him though partly bc I don’t see him trying . He doesn’t take his tablet regularly - imagine if a women didn’t take her pill - I see it as same commitment. He drinks a lot of caffeine, he doesn’t take ownership of his own sleep length and when ED happens he just does nothing ! I know I sound like a whinging old bag … I really can see it but I’m so sexually miserable and am starting to realise how long it has been going on and that it will not get better …[/quote]
Does he know you’re unhappy? Even if you haven’t told him you blame him (good) have you discussed sex and how you feel about it? If not, why not?

fallfallfall · 15/11/2021 08:42

Op your 0827 post really makes you sound unwell. Your 24/7 focus on sex is odd.
At 43 if you left your husband you’d have long stretches of nothing. How would your constant state of readiness deal with that?

Stompythedinosaur · 15/11/2021 08:44

I don't think most people shag a lodger weekly!

Honestly, once a week is pretty normal I think. Maybe explore a decent vibrator to tide you over in between? He isn't obliged to have sex with you when he doesn't want to.

Cosyblankets · 15/11/2021 08:48

[quote Zamboryff]@Cosyblankets no pressure at all… I don’t shout, rant, demand sex and it is always on his terms so he isn’t under any pressure to perform. We wait until he wants sex and when it doesn’t work we discuss it etc. we have a relationship with massage, dinners out, he paints my toenails, brushes my hair and I reciprocate … but the fundamental difference is our sex drive and appetite for at least a few position changes! I am not displaying a box of sex toys, parading round in my undies and grinding on him … there is no pressure - only the pressure he puts on himself bc he doesn’t fully know my inner (probably now paranoid/.irrational) thoughts …[/quote]
But he must know how much you want it si therefore feels under pressure

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:53

@fallfallfall your comment is incredibly mean. I am not unwell. We have different sex drives. And I have lived with wanting sex and not knowing when he is going to be ready for a long long time. It changes your perspective and this is a man I chose to spend my life with, chose to have my kids with and hoped we would have a sex life that was at least a compromise . You can’t control your hormones and that doesn’t make me ill. Maybe it makes me different to many but NOT ill- I’d be ripped apart if I said my DH is ill bc he has ED.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:57

@Nyxly

But he didn't mislead you into thinking he had a High sex drive. Because you said it's always been an issue.

But also just because someone had a Hugh sex drive when they were younger, doesn't mean that will always be the case.

@Nyxly in hindsight I think he may have.. there were always excuses at the beginning . I’ve been on nightshift, your parents are coming, I want you to wait (•like a little sex game)… then the waiting just got longer… we married within 15mths and had dc about year after married. Then came the - the baby will wake, you should sleep bc you are tired etc. time goes by and you ignore all the signs and before you know it you are 20yrs in and are fed up with putting everyone else first. Selfish .. maybe
OP posts:
Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 08:59

@Cosyblankets maybe? Maybe not? I don’t directly tell him and I don’t put any ‘begging’ pressure on him. I just go with the flow and if it doesn’t work I don’t make a thing of it but he knows - obviously that it hasn’t worked and is punishing himself . Id be happier if he joined in with the vibrator, gave oral sex or at least made a bit of and effort. But it very much feels like - I don’t have an erection so it’s off for you … Goodnight!

OP posts:
Nyxly · 15/11/2021 09:02

So he has always put off sex and you chose to ignore it.

You never got sex as often as you wanted but chose to ignore it and hope it got better.

You then stayed. Which I get. But these are your choices.

He has never been up for loads of sex. That's how he is. You need to choose how you proceed and think about the choices available to you

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 09:03

@fournonblondes this! I’m unhappy but haven’t time for a lover , I didn’t want a lover (I want to have sex with DH), I don’t want to leave as I love my life . Just the lack of sex is literally driving me insane ! It’s a circle I’m stuck going around on… maybe I should get some sex reducing drugs to quash my urge! That seems like a less drastic solution!!

OP posts:
authenticforgery · 15/11/2021 09:03

I also find your obsession a bit odd and indicative of something...wrong. I honestly think you should try therapy on your own. I don't think this is normal.

AlbusDumbledore2234 · 15/11/2021 09:05

What doea ED and a lodger have in common?

This thread!

Swipe left for the next trending thread