I don’t want a lodger!

[Zamboryff]

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

@Booboobadoo

Surprised at the horror from some of the responses that OP enjoys sex and wants to have it more frequently! Agree though that DH is never going to match this.

I don't think that's where 'the horror is from? It's from OP being derogatory to her DH because he doesn't want sex as much as her, complaining that he only wants 'vanilla' sex. And contemplating leaving her family to seek better sex or expecting him to agree to an open relationship.

If I’m absolutely honest… I think once a week with a partner who has a lower sex drive than you isn’t too bad going!

I also think you may be in that perimenopausal surge thing. I’ve been through that! It was great at the time but it won’t last.
Are you prepared to throw away your marriage for a feeling that is most likely going to be different in a few years time?
You say you’re not putting pressure on him but he will absolutely know.

OP just sort yourself out when you need to, you don't need to see the GP there is nothing wrong with you. I'd die without sex at least 4 times a week so I know how you feel, it's normal and you're in your prime.

On the other hand, it's fine in a way for sex to be on his terms I.e when he can get an erection however its completely wrong he then also dictates the type of sex. If you want different positions then get into different positions!he cant force you to be vanilla. A quick "this isn't working for me let's try this" then move. If its only once a week you need to make it last. Lots of oral etc to make you orgasm more than once. If he's not willing to do this then you have a problem.

its completely wrong he then also dictates the type of sex. If you want different positions then get into different positions!he cant force you to be vanilla.
What?! Absolutely he has every right to only have sex in positions he wants to. And the same goes for anyone.
That's chilling advice to give. "Hey guys you're partner doesn't want to have sex from behind? Just move her into position and do it!"

@MichelleScarn

its completely wrong he then also dictates the type of sex. If you want different positions then get into different positions!he cant force you to be vanilla. What?! Absolutely he has every right to only have sex in positions he wants to. And the same goes for anyone. That's chilling advice to give. "Hey guys you're partner doesn't want to have sex from behind? Just move her into position and do it!"

No it's not you've completely mis read. She can move however she wants, I'm not saying she can force him to move into positions but he can stand still and pump whether she is on her front or back. Can't believe I have to be so black and white. Anyway if he objected that's obviously different but I cant see why he would unless he's incredibly selfish. What you're saying is in fact it's OK he is forcing positions on her by remaining vanilla. So exactly the same argument.

Anyway OP he sounds selfish and unwilling to change.

Reading these comments it certainly feels like I am an awful person for wanting sex with the person I love and bc the sex is good (and he really is great when we have sex) I miss that ! and bc I am looking for a solution that doesn’t put pressure on him, doesn’t end my relationship

You are not an awful person but are perhaps being unrealistic about changing this 20 years into a relationship. Your reality is that you have mismatched sex drives, neither of you is a bad person for that but you are now finding the situation hard to tolerate so rather than expect more frequent sex with your husband because, despite efforts being made, nothing has changed so you need consider other solutions.

Hi, your story is mine with different amounts of years. I didn't read all the comments just yours but I gather you've taken some stick for this. So, I'm here to say I understand, I think sadly you have to live this to get it. I don't know the answer @Zamboryff but I do know how it hurts and the grief for life that does fulfil physical intimacy is ongoing because they're right there with you. Ime it really does come down to a choice between on or off. For now, I chose him, but only while I can handle it and keep my self esteem. Oh and I'm thinking of going to salsa classes, says it all! Tc

@Farfrom006 🥰

@lynntheyresexpeople I’m not pressuring him . We have sex when he wants and I never put any pressure on him. If he wants sex I have it and when it happens it is good. But always on his terms . His time, his place, his positions and at his pace. I literally turn up and partake.
I also haven’t told him to change his life and don’t force him to sleep, eat vegetables all the time etc. it was an observation that he could do more to at least try to improve things. I’ve never said it and wouldn’t expect me to tell him what to do.
The sex is roughly once a week … but it doesn’t happen weekly . It can go for 3 weeks and then he will want sex twice in a day. Or it can go for months and then he will want sex twice a week.

@MichelleScarn. This was my post … I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?
I am complaining bc the sex is on his terms, in his positions, when he wants and where he wants. The vanilla comment was just to show blandness and routine… not a complaint about the performance.
I’m trying to understand if anyone else has experienced this and looking for any tips or a little steer to help me.

I’ve lived with this for 20 yrs. a massive emotional rollercoasters. I’ve never begged or pressured. I wait for him and it is on his terms.
When he had tests I mentioned once and once only that he should make some
Changes - and this was after he said he would look at the things that had been suggested - sleep more, eat less junk etc. I’m not controlling or regulating him.
I am not looking at having an affair or and open marriage - I haven’t suggested this - others have it as their options and there was no judgement and for this I’m grateful.
I’m on here as a cry for help as are many people as being in a relationship that isn’t controlling but feels like it is and with no one to talk to can feel very lonely . If I talk to him I’m pressuring him, if I don’t I live a life of silence - feeling emotional turmoil.

Are you saying you have never really discussed this at all?

That you’ve never discussed different positions, how it makes you feel?

@NoSquirrels. Briefly and sporadically. As awful as some have painted me I haven’t made a big thing of it.
I’ve tried to continue when things have gone downhill - reached for vibrator etc.
When things have gone well I’ve mentioned that I’d like to move and when we speak after I mention the things/positions I like. However when I try to move or change things it causes friction/concern/alarm - whatever you want to call it.
We have spoken about the impact on our intimacy and he has had tests and takes cialis… but not anything more than that bc I love this man and don’t want to cause hurt, any more anguish etc. but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel alone or unloved…

@authenticforgery it isn’t an obsession that I had. It has turned into me thinking about it a lot recently bc it is on my mind a lot. This is important to me - I want to have sex with the person I love. It may not be important to everyone and I’m pretty sure if I said someone on here was ‘odd’ for not wanting sex and quoted that it isn’t ‘normal’ for not wanting sex I’d be shot down.

Your comment isn’t kind - I’m
Not odd. I like sex, I like sex with my husband, I would like more sex and I’m asking for advice. Clearly you know and understand people come on here seeking to ‘talk’ and not be judged. Perhaps your comment should say… I personally don’t want sex that much and if I was on your situation I might consider x, y or z…etc. #bekind

For me this is the concerning part:
I’m left feeling extremely horny and well just angry! 20 years is a long time to be patient, kind, understanding etc. and I feel he uses it as a weapon against me - always on his terms . You can tell it has now become irrational !!

He will totally sense this anger op and it will be destroying him and the balance of your relationship. It sounds like he’s genuinely trying but you’re mismatched sexually. And your resentment to him and feeling he’s holding it as a ‘weapon’ are unfair. Relationships are complex but leave him if it’s isn’t right for you. Don’t make him feel bad for not providing sex to your satisfaction when it sounds like he’s trying and has ED

@authenticforgery

I also find your obsession a bit odd and indicative of something...wrong. I honestly think you should try therapy on your own. I don't think this is normal.

I agree with this.

It’s bordering on sex addiction.

I don’t see why anyone having sex once a week needs to consider an open marriage to obtain more sex.

The way you write OP sounds obsessive and if you are like this with your husband it must be really difficult for him to live with.

You’re not entitled to sex with anyone.

What you're saying is in fact it's OK he is forcing positions on her by remaining vanilla. So exactly the same argument.

That’s completely different to basically telling someone to force their partner into sexual positions they are not comfortable with. This poster did not read your post wrong. You need to re-read what you posted and see where you went wrong. I hope you don’t treat your partner like your suggesting the OP should. It’s shocking.

*you’re

[quote Zamboryff]@Cosyblankets maybe? Maybe not? I don’t directly tell him and I don’t put any ‘begging’ pressure on him. I just go with the flow and if it doesn’t work I don’t make a thing of it but he knows - obviously that it hasn’t worked and is punishing himself . Id be happier if he joined in with the vibrator, gave oral sex or at least made a bit of and effort. But it very much feels like - I don’t have an erection so it’s off for you … Goodnight![/quote]
Along with what you've said about him having tests and there's "nothing wrong" (do you mean no physical cause? Because that's not actually the same thing) this sounds like he doesn't want to have sex with you (/anyone at all?). So he'll do it if he's got a hard on, because it makes you happy, but he doesn't really want to do it. He could love you and wish he was more attracted to you, but isn't. He could be asexual. He could be gay. Or something else making him not want to have sex.

Yes I agree it also sounds like he maybe duped you into marriage knowing you had a higher sex drive than him (and possibly knowing he's just not really into sex, full stop) so I can see why you feel resentful. He might have been/still be in denial to himself even. I knew someone married their best friend, the "perfect partner", then divorced within a year when they'd faced the fact they had no sexual attraction to this "perfect, best friend". It wasn't done callously and both parties were devestated.

I understand the bit about it always being on his terms, but fact is, if one party has a lower sex drive and is less adventurous it's always going to be on their terms. The alternative is them feeling like they have to do something they don't want to do, which isn't right.

I get that you're being driven mad by frustration and I get that "buy a vibrator" isn't the answer, but neither is expecting him to change. You're sexually incompatible.

You don't think an open relationship will work? So are you going to divorce him and find someone you're compatible with/shag your way through as many randoms as you feel the need to (that's probably more of an option as a female than a male)/some other sex related solution I can't think of, or are you going to see if there's something that can be done about your sex drive? You're 43, I've heard that menopause can make some women mad for it constantly, so maybe consider if you've got worse and need HRT? I've also heard some medication kills your sex drive, like some antidepressants for example, maybe you could get something prescribed?

[quote Zamboryff]@MichelleScarn. This was my post … I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?
I am complaining bc the sex is on his terms, in his positions, when he wants and where he wants. The vanilla comment was just to show blandness and routine… not a complaint about the performance.
I’m trying to understand if anyone else has experienced this and looking for any tips or a little steer to help me.

I’ve lived with this for 20 yrs. a massive emotional rollercoasters. I’ve never begged or pressured. I wait for him and it is on his terms.
When he had tests I mentioned once and once only that he should make some
Changes - and this was after he said he would look at the things that had been suggested - sleep more, eat less junk etc. I’m not controlling or regulating him.
I am not looking at having an affair or and open marriage - I haven’t suggested this - others have it as their options and there was no judgement and for this I’m grateful.
I’m on here as a cry for help as are many people as being in a relationship that isn’t controlling but feels like it is and with no one to talk to can feel very lonely . If I talk to him I’m pressuring him, if I don’t I live a life of silence - feeling emotional turmoil.[/quote]
You could talk to a counselor, there are those who specialises in sexual problems. Could help you decide what to do next

Thanks op! I have insomnia tonight but reading your posts has made me thoroughly exhausted!

I can only imagine how exhausted your husband must be trying to chase your standards! You are entitled to them but you are not entitled to impose them on others against their will.

If sex, not just any sex, sex your way, is all that separates your husband from random strangers, I'd be asking your husband to LTB. But seeing as he is not the one asking for support, please either put him out of his misery or get therapy to come to terms with the cooking, cleaning, bread winning jest-lodger who doesn't do these tasks to your standard I.e. more than one at a time and who does sex but also misses the mark .

I'm just going to cosy up and count all those chores like sheep and count the failing blemishes. Ta!

I came on here thinking catalogue debt and getting a camp bed on the landing.

@wjahyrdy

So confused, I thought you were having to get a lodger in to have sex with instead.

This thought also crossed my mind.

This is as good as it gets! This is who he is and he doesn’t want to or can’t change. Now get your arse of the fence and start making decisions.

You’re 20 years in because you’re stuck in this ‘if he would only…’ loop. You wanting him to be adventurous and constantly up for it isn’t going to happen and your resentful paralysis stems from YOUR refusal to accept this. Pointing the finger is easy but rarely effective.

You’ve always had choices, they may not be ones you like or are afraid to make but they have always been there.

I don’t think you sex drive is abnormal it is just incompatible with the man you are married to. Maybe it’s time to talk to a professional who can help you break free from your paralysis.

@MoveAhoy. This is the but I actually really dislike about this post. My staying my situation has now turned into adding little titbits as the story goes along.

I’m actually the breadwinner and he doesn’t constantly chase my standards bc I haven’t ever criticised him and my comment about the extra things he does was in response to someone asking and the ‘multitasking’ but was a joke. Read it properly. You are suggesting that I’m constantly criticising and nagging him when this is simply not true. We get on, we are Greta Friends, we have fun and laugh/cuddle etc.
You might also like to read that I don’t nag on at him ‘missing the mark’ and don’t consider it like this.
I don’t badger him for sex, when he wants it we have sex, his positions and in his way. If it doesn’t work I don’t say anything negative or derogatory. The sex is NOT on my terms, never has been and I’m happy when it happens - it is good. My comment about vanilla was to show that he is comfortable when he is in charge but how is it OK for him to dictate and me to get no say?
For the record, I’m not horrible or difficult to live with, I don’t beg him or moan at him, I have left the lack of sex alone and carry on as normal. We go out to eat, we go on holiday, we go to our weekend place and take the children, we watch TV together, go to the gym together, we laugh and walk the dogs. We have a lovely life but there is a sexual mismatch - that is now driving me crazy!