I don’t want a lodger!

[Zamboryff]

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

But you're kidding yourself if you think you have another 40 years of active sex life, in any way comparable to the one you wish you had now, ahead of you. Why do so many women know nothing about menopause?

Sex drive is all about reproduction. When you stop ovulating, much if not all of that physical drive and feeling of the physical need for sex drops dead. From that point on, sex is much more about the mental act, the closeness and intimacy. You can only do it with someone you really feel close to (IME). The 'whahey, I want to do it right now' lust and passion phase of your life is over. (Maybe it can be replicated with HRT? Not the same as real ovulation lust, I suspect).

Women often experience a raised physical sex drive during peri-menopause, often from their early / mid forties. It's your body's desperate attempt to fertilise its last remaining eggs. You may be feeling that now, you might start to soon. It's worth making the most of it!

But after that? You might become the one who's difficult to live with and doesn't want sex anymore.

I’m past the menopause so twice a year sex is plenty for me, but I’ve never been that bothered about it anyway. It’s always felt like a bit of a chore, to be honest.

Did you always have a high sex drive or is it something that developed slowly? I can’t imagine how it feels in your shoes but I can appreciate that you feel very frustrated.

🎵 I don't want a lodger/I just need a friend 🎵

Great song, that.

[quote authenticforgery]@Cissyandflora it was the pulsating for me too 😂[/quote]
The OP sounds bloody awful but "pulsating" did make me laugh. 😅

I think she means she feels more like they are housemates than partners and wants a partner not a housemate.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal thank you!

@thenewduchessofhastings 👍🏻

I’ve been following this thread with interest. I find it hard to imagine the OP’s situation with constant arousal. It must be unpleasant and upsetting. Tbh OP I do think that sounds quite unusual for a woman.I’m not trying to shame you but have you ever thought your hormones may be a bit out of wack? Too much testosterone? Have you ever checked this out with your GP? I think one solution is to openly discuss with your DH and see what he would find acceptable. Could you get a friend with benefits type arrangement going or would that be too upsetting for him?

@FatBettyintheCoop. It feels like it has got worse over the last few years but it could be that his drive has declined 🤷🏼‍♂️. Reading these comments it certainly feels like I am an awful person for wanting sex with the person I love and bc the sex is good (and he really is great when we have sex) I miss that ! and bc I am looking for a solution that doesn’t put pressure on him, doesn’t end my relationship that I have been tarred as a witch with people laughing and mocking me.

@Babymamamama I think I need to go to the doctor and explain my enhanced state of arrousal. I don’t want to leave , I couldn’t have an affair for my emotions or for his. I’m not selfish and looking for a workable solution. It has all been bottled up and I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I suggest you start by visiting your GP.

Surprised at the horror from some of the responses that OP enjoys sex and wants to have it more frequently! Agree though that DH is never going to match this.

OP yes definitely do get checked out. Ask for bloods to be taken and explain how much it is affecting you. I think a lot of people on this thread have been nasty or nit picking about the term lodger when it’s quite irrelevant. I get that you don’t want an affair. I am aware of some older couples where the man can no longer perform in that sense and agrees to the wife taking a “lover” but I do understand that wouldn’t work for everyone. Do get yourself checked out from a medical perspective. I speak quite openly with my female friends about sex and can assure you I don’t know anyone (female) who feels like you. It seems more of a curse than a blessing.

As a post menopausal woman who had at least the same sex drive as I have always don (maybe more now no children around to think about) I'm rather unhappy that some are suggesting a decline in enthusiasm for sex is normal for older women.
A recently divorced friend of mine in his 70's is on line dating for the first time in his life and he has had several approaches from women in their mid to late 60's who are very keen to have a sexual relationship. OP, could your DH have testosterone deficiency? maybe he could see someone privately to talk his ED through and see if that is the cause.

@SmallWaistFatFace I think just asexual … he doesn’t masturbate, doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t talk about sex, 🤷🏼‍♂️

@HunkyPunk

I think that although you (obviously) used the word ‘lodger’ in jest, it is quite telling that it wasn’t ‘friend’ or ‘housemate’.

Do you think of yourself as the stronger person in your relationship - just from a day-to-day point of view? Is it you who does most of the logistical organising of family life, and who takes the lead in decision making?

I’m just wondering if you have an underlying longing for your dh to be more pro-active in your life together generally, and that this has become disproportionately focussed on sex?

I was wondering this too!

@fallfallfall for sex? … JOKE! I think I need to …

I think you're very lucky ExConstance. I once saw a thread on here with the question 'did your sex drive continue after menopause?' and the responses were just a long list of 'No'.

@Zamboryff
Have been reading this thread with interest, do you know if your husband has ever had his hormone levels checked?
Also when do you normally end up having sex, morning or evening?

Finally, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but do you think you husband is seeing sex as another chore and not something to enjoy?
Kinda, do the washing up, put the bins out, have sex , ..?

You still do have sex though, unlike some of us you still have some scope there to improve matters

I think this thread hasn’t gone your way because of the way you’ve been disrespectful about your husband. It’s one thing to express dissatisfaction at sex life and get advice, but another to say unless there’s sex he’s a lodger, and he has sex on his terms when actually he has an illness.

Zamboryff

@HunkyPunk. He does a fair bit tbh.. he cooks and irons .. but he can only do one thing at once so it does take a long time“

I can’t cook and iron at the same time, either …….

There’s an awful lot more than very frequent sex to a happy marriage. You just don’t seem to like him very much.
You should move on, give you both a chance to be happy.

I think your husband has come off worse from this thread than you tbf. You've called him a lodger, asexual. I'd be gutted if my husband was posting about me like this.

Op, you're all over the place. In your op you say the sex is vanilla and not what you want. Then your latest post says it's always fantastic and he's a great lover, always makes you orgasm - once a week isn't as abnormal as you think.
He's not Asexual either, just because he doesn't want as much sex as you that doesn't automatically make him asexual. He has ED, and you're pressuring him an enormous amount. You cannot tell him to sleep more, drink more water and attempt to control his entire life, because he isn't enough for you.
Have you thought about how he feels? He's already taking viagra, he's managing weekly to satisfy you, so he clearly wants to and is trying, and it's not enough. You probably make him feel absolutely awful about himself. Why on earth would he want to have sex more, when you are trying to control his daily life to coerce him into more sex??
Weekly sex with a good man and husband is a hell of a lot better than daily sex with someone who doesn't give a shit about you.
Having a high sex drive isn't abnormal at all, but you are on the verge of emotionally abusing your husband.