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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want a lodger!

172 replies

Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 07:17

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 15/11/2021 09:06

@Malibuismysecrethome

Imagine if it was a man writing this
He would be crucified!!!
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2021 09:11

[quote Zamboryff]@fournonblondes this! I’m unhappy but haven’t time for a lover , I didn’t want a lover (I want to have sex with DH), I don’t want to leave as I love my life . Just the lack of sex is literally driving me insane ! It’s a circle I’m stuck going around on… maybe I should get some sex reducing drugs to quash my urge! That seems like a less drastic solution!![/quote]

I don't think you're abnormal. Tbh I've been on both sides of this problem. I used to have a far higher sex drive then DH, to the degree that we almost split up over it.

However after our final DC was born I had the Mirena coil put in and it killed my sex drive stone dead, to the point where DH is the frustrated one. So if you're serious about wanting to reduce your sex drive, I can recommend that! 😖

In serious, what saved our marriage was several months of counselling, and trying to communicate openly with each other. I do think, if you love each other, a 20 year + relationship is worth trying to save.

billy1966 · 15/11/2021 09:15

OP,

You can end a relationship for any reason.
That is your choice.

It sounds as if this has been a theme for your whole relationship.

I think you have choices.

First decide if this is a deal breaker.
If it is, you need to look at the practicalities of separation.

If you want to stay together, you need to talk frankly with your husband.

Thirdly you just accept this.

You have choices.

You don't need his permission to leave if you are so unhappy.

Flowers
LettertoHermoine · 15/11/2021 09:30

[quote Zamboryff]@MichelleScarn. oh I see!

It is about entitlement though? If you marry someone and you know they have a high sex drive and you know you don’t but don’t admit it or don’t tell them you don’t like sex then surely that is just plain cruel!
If you are the person with the high sex drive … the sensation doesn’t go away . It is awful, pulsing and constantly turned on. Hoping that sex will happen.

I do feel selfish bc plenty of people would be happy with a kind and loving man but I want a sex life that is not stressful and one that doesn’t now dominate my thoughts .e.g. if we have a spare Sunday I would think twice about inviting someone over for lunch bc that might be the only time when he might possibly want sex and if he suddenly felt the urge and someone was here then it would be waiting until next time … it is absolutely crazy … I know ! I mean I wouldn’t even know if he had the urge but … what if he might? It has become like a game of. Missed opportunities that you don’t even know exist …[/quote]
If you are the person with the high sex drive … the sensation doesn’t go away . It is awful, pulsing and constantly turned on. Hoping that sex will happen.

If we have a spare Sunday I would think twice about inviting someone over for lunch bc that might be the only time when he might possibly want sex and if he suddenly felt the urge and someone was here then it would be waiting until next time … it is absolutely crazy … I know ! I mean I wouldn’t even know if he had the urge but … what if he might?

That sounds like you may have a little bit more than a high sex drive if you are constantly turned on and pulsating all over the gaff.

FOJN · 15/11/2021 09:34

You have mismatched sex drives and always have had as far as I can tell. You seem to resent your husband and think if he made more effort things would resolve but why would you think that after 20 years?

I don't think you are processing this in a very mature way. You list all the things you don't want and seem to demand the only thing you can't have. You need to deal with the situation you have rather than thinking you can wish what you want into being.

Your options are to make peace with the current arrangements, (your husband's sex drive is not going to miraculously increase), decide this is a deal breaker and end your marriage so you can pursue another relationship which meets your needs, talk to your husband about an open relationship or talk to your husband about making the sex you do have more interesting for you and be satisfied with the current frequency.

To frame your sex life as being on his terms when he experiences ED is very odd.

Just because you don't like the choices you have it doesn't mean you don't have choices.

HunkyPunk · 15/11/2021 09:34

I think that although you (obviously) used the word ‘lodger’ in jest, it is quite telling that it wasn’t ‘friend’ or ‘housemate’.

Do you think of yourself as the stronger person in your relationship - just from a day-to-day point of view? Is it you who does most of the logistical organising of family life, and who takes the lead in decision making?

I’m just wondering if you have an underlying longing for your dh to be more pro-active in your life together generally, and that this has become disproportionately focussed on sex?

SmallWaistFatFace · 15/11/2021 09:36

Is he gay

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 09:40

Have you been to couples/sex therapy together? You could leave but the chances that you'd be getting more sex, in between juggling DCs and stuff is incredibly unlikely. You're more likely to without any touch/contact for long periods. You may end up even more frustrated

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 09:41

I do think @HunkyPunk makes a very good observation

Libelula21 · 15/11/2021 09:41

Do you think you could be going through a peri-menopausal libido surge now, which has brought this to a head?

Cissyandflora · 15/11/2021 09:42

@fallfallfall

Op your 0827 post really makes you sound unwell. Your 24/7 focus on sex is odd. At 43 if you left your husband you’d have long stretches of nothing. How would your constant state of readiness deal with that?
I agree. You sound really awful. What if you were a single parent? I brought up children on my own. My circumstances meant that sex just wasn’t a part of my life. I’ve focused on other things. Your husband sounds great and you sound selfish to me. We women have to have respect from men but equally we must respect men. If a man wrote your post of 827 I think most would think him unreasonable. As for the pulsating constantly I’ve never been more happy to be single. You’ve made my latte curdle.
Libelula21 · 15/11/2021 09:44

Yes, I wondered why it was framed as the OP’s DH may as well be her lodger; it could just as easily been framed as the OP maybe as well be DH’s lodger. I wondered if that meant OP does all the cooking and cleaning / earning.

authenticforgery · 15/11/2021 09:48

@Cissyandflora it was the pulsating for me too 😂

KangarooSally · 15/11/2021 09:50

I don't think wanting sex as much as you do is normal. Maybe see a doctor, you could have a hormonal issue that can be solved.

SilverSilos · 15/11/2021 09:51

OP, I was in this situation. We are now apart. My STBXH was and is one of the loveliest men I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with but had very little interest in having sex with me........until he wanted a baby. Suddenly it was no problem then. I went with it, thought all my Christmases had come together and that this was the new situation. Once conception was confirmed it was back to the status quo. Stuck it out for a few years and then could just not take it anymore. I loved him, he is still one of my favourite people but it was soul destroying. Really affected my self esteem and the way I feel about myself. The person I wanted most in the world, didn't want me.

fuckoffImcounting · 15/11/2021 09:55

Mumsnet seems to be lacking empathy this morning.

Phobiaphobic · 15/11/2021 09:56

[quote Zamboryff]@fournonblondes this! I’m unhappy but haven’t time for a lover , I didn’t want a lover (I want to have sex with DH), I don’t want to leave as I love my life . Just the lack of sex is literally driving me insane ! It’s a circle I’m stuck going around on… maybe I should get some sex reducing drugs to quash my urge! That seems like a less drastic solution!![/quote]
Well, there's a good chance menopause will achieve that, OP. But you're a while off that yet.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 15/11/2021 09:56

I'm always confused by people who think that sex is the only thing seperating their relationship from a friend or flatmate. I can only assume OP that you don't share any intimacy outside of the bedroom? Because my dp and I hardly have any sex - once a month or less - but he doesn't feel like just a friend to me. We cuddle on the sofa in the evening, kiss, hold hands, use loving and romantic words etc. I've house shared with flatmates many times as an adult and the two are nothing alike in my opinion. So it seems to me like maybe the problems go deeper than just sex. Not dismissing how hard mismatched drives must be for the higher drive person - I'm the one with the lower drive in our relationship, I know dp would like sex more often. What's the alternative though? To just have sex when you don't want to and try to pretend you're into it? Would you honestly want sex under those circumstances? My dp certainly doesn't and how could I be happy with him if he did? There isn't really a compromise to be made when it comes to sex, you just go with the frequency of the person with the lower drive because the alternative is really awful. It doesn't sound like he wants to change even if he can and after 20 years it obviously isn't going to change on its own so your options are either stay and accept things or leave.

Sillyotter · 15/11/2021 09:57

Have you tried different ways of being physically intimate without penetrative sex? And it does sound like you’re putting pressure on him to perform which is probably making it worse. You say he’s very good when you do have it so why not look at changing things up to take the focus off the ED for a bit?

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 10:02

@HunkyPunk. He does a fair bit tbh.. he cooks and irons .. but he can only do one thing at once so it does take a long time - but this is a conversation for another day 😆. Seriously though this doesn’t bother me about him - he has his quirks as I have mine . I just think the sex has become such a focus for me … I could have another 40 yrs of feeling like this!

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 15/11/2021 10:02

I just don’t get why you would want to rupture your children’s lives simply for sex in an otherwise happy relationship.

And for what? You split up and have less sex rather than more until you find a long term partner who may not like your kids.

Why not step back from your sex drive for a bit and stop turning yourself on. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad whoever you are with.

EmeraldShamrock · 15/11/2021 10:04

Could you role play as stupid as it feels to begin it can be a turn on.
Lots of couples are in this situation, you only get one life.

What about an open relationship?

I don't know the answer I've lost my sex drive too, it becomes very same and I'm just not ready or willing to sort it ATT.

I don't know how pp's are getting confused about he lodger, OP clearly feels her husband is a house share mate.

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 10:04

@Sillyotter it has got to the stage where I am loathe to try anything in case he sees it as me wanting sex . The ball is very much in his court, on his terms, where ans when he wants it. He 100% knows I would have sex anytime and we leave it like that - when your ready, come find me! It is a real mess - hence why I’m here 😀

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 15/11/2021 10:06

I think you have to split up. You're incompatible and intimacy is really important to you. More important than the things that do work in this relationship. So let him go and leave.

Original poster
Zamboryff · 15/11/2021 10:07

@Phobiaphobic 🤩

OP posts: