I don’t want a lodger!

[Zamboryff]

So… we’ve been married for nearly 20 years, I’m 43 and DH is 49. Sex had always been an issue with me wanting it more than him. When we do have sex it is fairly vanilla and always how he wants it - despite him knowing my likes/dislikes. He has had ED for as long as I can remember. I’ve been supportive, he has had tests - there is nothing wrong, he takes viagra but the small daily tablet.

When we have sex he makes me orgasm every time and is a very good lover.

BUT it is less than once a week, always the same, no adventure and many times ends with ED.
I’ve asked him to change his sleep pattern to sleep more, to drink less caffeine etc. but I honestly think he isn’t even interested in sex.
I don’t want a lodger and feel trapped. I love my DH sooooo much but am 43 and the thought of spending my life feeling like this is destroying me … any advice and thoughts?

[quote Zamboryff]@authenticforgery it isn’t an obsession that I had. It has turned into me thinking about it a lot recently bc it is on my mind a lot. This is important to me - I want to have sex with the person I love. It may not be important to everyone and I’m pretty sure if I said someone on here was ‘odd’ for not wanting sex and quoted that it isn’t ‘normal’ for not wanting sex I’d be shot down.

Your comment isn’t kind - I’m
Not odd. I like sex, I like sex with my husband, I would like more sex and I’m asking for advice. Clearly you know and understand people come on here seeking to ‘talk’ and not be judged. Perhaps your comment should say… I personally don’t want sex that much and if I was on your situation I might consider x, y or z…etc. #bekind[/quote]
Ew, don't #bekind me to silence my opinion. It is unusual, odd, weird, whatever word you want to use, to be so preoccupied with sex that you're wandering around pulsating everywhere and obsessing over it. There's nothing unkind about it. You should seek help before you destroy your marriage over sex addiction.

@Wimblingwombling. He doesn’t sense the anger bc he doesn’t know. Just as when I’m angry with my children they don’t know. I don’t do shouting and screaming and blaming. This anger is inside me and is my problem - not his. He has indirectly caused it by us being different but he isn’t directly responsible for it .
I carry on as normal - no visible anger - physical or verbal.
He why I’m on here as I don’t know where else to get advice from.

Even though you may think you don’t show it, I think he will sense it. He sounds a wonderful partner in other ways and you sound happy together. I personally wouldn’t throw that away as it means a lot. But if sex is more a focus you’re able to leave. You won’t change him, nor should you, as he’s already trying by the sound of it . Maybe it’s time to be open with him

@Zamboryff
Not sure what advice to offer really, if your sex drive is currently higher than his, that’s that really.

I assume he had had his testosterone levels checked and general health checks etc, persistently having ED is as sign of heart issues / circulation for men,

What do you think would happen if you asked for more sex ? Would he be up for weekly ?

@Catflapkitkat 😂

@FabulousMrFifty. We don’t talk about it. He doesn’t realise my frustrations . We had a conversation a long time ago where he said I should wait for him to be ready and I said that was great if it made him feel happy. So this is how we bumble along … he thinks I’m happy and I don’t approach it.
I don’t watch porn, I don’t have affairs, I don’t fantasise about sex all the time, I don’t have a sex addiction .. we have mis-matched sex drives. Massively mis-matched.

[quote Zamboryff]@FabulousMrFifty. We don’t talk about it. He doesn’t realise my frustrations . We had a conversation a long time ago where he said I should wait for him to be ready and I said that was great if it made him feel happy. So this is how we bumble along … he thinks I’m happy and I don’t approach it.
I don’t watch porn, I don’t have affairs, I don’t fantasise about sex all the time, I don’t have a sex addiction .. we have mis-matched sex drives. Massively mis-matched.[/quote]
@Zamboryff
Maybe you have painted yourself in to a corner somewhat with the lack of conversation around the subject, nobody can address issues they don’t know exist.

Possibly time for another conversation around the subject, maybe you have to reframe the conversation around having more sexual activity and not just “more sex”, You say he can make you orgasm, so maybe you take that approach and not PIV, a few shared showers maybe.

But, as others say, you can’t really force him to have sex with you if he doesn’t want to, but maybe he could “help you out” a bit more, as it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship and life together.

I don't know what advice you're looking for op - you have mismatched sex drives. That's it. What do you want to do about it? You stay or you leave. What advice are you possibly wanting? How to coerce your husband into more sex?
He does feel the pressure from you, trust me. Just the way you're writing on here makes it very clear. You either understand that he has ED and a lower sex drive than you, and that he is performing in the way that he can. Or, you can leave. Those are your options.

I think the real root of the issue is that he doesn't know this is an issue for you. It sounds like he has no clue and thinks you're happy with things as they are when inside you're screaming. Esp as for someone with ED he actually sounds like he's able to perform fairly often - I imagine others with th condition would be beyond thrilled with roughly once a week - so it would be understandable to not see this as problem territory.
Communication is the key here but perhaps counseling for yourself before anything joint.

Excuse me for the typos. Contradicting *

So I spoke with him and he was shocked that I had been silent . He hadn’t realised that I was craving sex and he hadn’t considered sex as anything but PIV. He said he avoided it bc he thought of sex this way and did think if it was up he should use and didn’t want to move or try anything new in case he lost it !
I mentioned that he could assist me and we could share other things sexually - said he would be willing to have a go.
Also said he just waited for sex to come to him … waiting for the blood to flow and then used it rather than thinking about sex or intimacy and ‘planning ‘ for it .
He said he was frustrated with himself and disappointed that he had ED, kept it to himself bc sex was taboo on his house growing up
I also have appointment with doc tomorrow to discuss being constantly aroused. Going to get checked for peri-menopause and ask about constant arousal syndrome - I googled it and it is a thing!

Lovely stuff 👍

Good luck OP sounds like you’ve made real progress today.

@Babymamamama has been a tough emotional day and wish I’d spoken out sooner! Did make me realise and put into perspective though !

@lynntheyresexpeople 🥰😁

Oh dear, poor man.

Sex drive is all about reproduction. When you stop ovulating, much if not all of that physical drive and feeling of the physical need for sex drops dead. From that point on, sex is much more about the mental act, the closeness and intimacy. You can only do it with someone you really feel close to (IME). The 'whahey, I want to do it right now' lust and passion phase of your life is over. (Maybe it can be replicated with HRT? Not the same as real ovulation lust, I suspect).

If anything, my libido has increased since the menopause. Although perhaps some of this is to do with the fact that I left my ex after 30 years and would really like to experience sex with someone who actually knows what they're doing. I'm currently working on myself to get into decent physical shape for chandelier swinging.

@MimiDaisy11

I think there’s a bigger issue in the relationship if not having sex for a week makes him feel like a lodger to you. Surely there must love or intimacy found outside the bedroom.

This 100%

@ExConstance

As a post menopausal woman who had at least the same sex drive as I have always don (maybe more now no children around to think about) I'm rather unhappy that some are suggesting a decline in enthusiasm for sex is normal for older women. A recently divorced friend of mine in his 70's is on line dating for the first time in his life and he has had several approaches from women in their mid to late 60's who are very keen to have a sexual relationship. OP, could your DH have testosterone deficiency? maybe he could see someone privately to talk his ED through and see if that is the cause.

Waning libido is absolutely normal for post menopausal women. I'm surprised you don't know this.

@Saoirse82 The lodger is a metaphor …