Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

[CSIblonde]

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

He obviously won't get the message unless you stop seeing him altogether. Don't feel guilty.

Have I understood this correctly that he's not planning to pay for the meals out? Won't split, won't take turns. So you're treating him AND he's looking for romance???

I wonder why the last person moved out, OP?

Treat the situation exactly the same as if he was 55. He clearly sees it that way!

Surely a frank conversation first? Anything more just seems mean. If that doesn't work then by all means play nasty

@OVienna

Have I understood this correctly that he's not planning to pay for the meals out? Won't split, won't take turns. So you're treating him AND he's looking for romance???

I wonder why the last person moved out, OP?

I read it as he would be paying for the meals, as the OP thought it would be too much - possibly by feeling she would feel indebted to him.

Oh you could be right. My mistake!

This! He clearly thinks he may be able to change your mind and, I agree with this PP that he will get shirty with you at some point.

Age doesn’t come into it , really. 1. He’s obviously made you feel uncomfortable. 2. He’s assumed you’ll have meals together and see where it goes, without considering your opinion or agreement. 3. You say you can see him turning nasty if you meet for coffee but turn him down for anything further. Whatever age he is, he’s not acting with the greatest courtesy or respect.
You are 100% ok to say you think he’s acting inappropriately and you’d rather not meet again, goodbye. Block his phone number. And don’t feel bad about it.

I have always had a problem of being too nice and more concerned about the feelings of someone else besides my own. I
recently had a conversation with a fellow married couple who helped me with a similar situation that turned weird.

Tell the man you are not interested in him, that he is making you uncomfortable and to stop it. Then keep watch for any retaliation or weirdness because you never know what kind of psycho you are living next to until it is too late.

Op, really all you have to do is say-stop asking me, I am not going to go out with you. Please respect that I have told you no.that is not rude it’s assertive and can be said with whatever tone of voice is right for the moment. Ie polite and disinterested/ loud and exasperated etc etc. It doesn’t make a blind bit of difference what his intentions are. If he won’t take a no for an answer he is not a friend or anything else. At the very least he is being boring. Get rid now.

"You are having a little covid anxiety, and have decided to limit your social contacts. So no more coffee meetings."

He obviously wants more and he probably sees you agreeing to meet with him for coffee as validation of that. I think you need to be honest with him and say this isn't what you are after.

Make a passing comment to him about how he reminds you of your grandad. That might be enough to let him know you don’t see him in any other way.

Have the next coffee and spend the whole time talking about your amazing new bf/gf.

Just say No. Practise saying it aloud in front of your mirror. I had an older man who kept coming into my shop saying he was taking me for a drive or to lunch. Finally I told him a gentleman asks if he may and even if he did ask, the answer would be no thank you. Never allow them to first-name you right off, it's an easy step to familiarity.

Talk about the "new man" hopefully he will take the hint

@Suzanne999

Age doesn’t come into it , really. 1. He’s obviously made you feel uncomfortable. 2. He’s assumed you’ll have meals together and see where it goes, without considering your opinion or agreement. 3. You say you can see him turning nasty if you meet for coffee but turn him down for anything further. Whatever age he is, he’s not acting with the greatest courtesy or respect. You are 100% ok to say you think he’s acting inappropriately and you’d rather not meet again, goodbye. Block his phone number. And don’t feel bad about it.

Yeah, this is a pretty logical answer and I agree. The #1 is the very first thing that should have made you realize some line was being crossed from the start.

Treat him like any other man of any other age. You’re not interested so pull away. Trying to maintain friendship with someone who is romantically inclined is almost impossible …and unfair on him too.

Yep I made that mistake once. Thought....lovely old man....jeez....he got narked that I cancelled a drink with him( long story but I saw him as an older friend). Reason was my dad went into hospital. Perhaps it was cos I said my dad was really old at 60 and he was 65. I was 40 at the time. 😂. If he is your neighbour uou may have to be careful thou. Could you pretend to be more intetested in women? Lol. Or invent a bf. Or a full time job! Doing lots if extra hours? Park your. car elsewhere and walk home? Change your number or block him.

When I googled elderly it meant old or aging.
Didn’t mean doddery. Living for 65+ years is a long time, so not unreasonable to say someone is old. People are just putting extra connotations on top insinuating frail.

Personally, I’d say “look George, I’m happy to meet for coffee every couple of weeks but I’m not interested in going out for a meal”. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings but then if they continue hurting my feelings, then bam - be blunt!

@CSIblonde

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

I think the age thing is actually irrelevant. No means no and it would still mean no if he was 20/30/40 etc. He's just played on your kindness.

You never know, he might be really good with his hands in the sack lol 😆

@Beautiful3

I get you. You don't want to be horrible because he's an old man. But it doesn't matter how old he is, he is being a creep. You have to end the coffees. Keep saying no thank you, I don't want to. Be civil but keep saying no thanks.

Quite right, even at 70 there needs to be boundaries. Say no more and mean it. You won't help by being polite.

‘Elderly’ is when you no longer trip up, or fall over, but you ‘have a fall’.

At least, that’s one definition I read recently!

Everyday is a school day. I definitely thought 70 was elderly.

My mum is just over 60 and she said 60 is elderly although she doesn’t look it. I definitely disagreed with her on that!