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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

279 replies

CSIblonde · 14/11/2021 07:48

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

OP posts:
CandidaAlbicans2 · 14/11/2021 08:31

At this stage we don't know the age gap (may not be "creepy", although if she thinks he's "elderly" at 70 it may be rather large!), or whether he's a "predator". So IMO he hasn't done anything wrong by befriending OP and developing feelings for her. It's also worth bearing in mind that living next door to someone you've fallen out with is horrible, so this situation need careful handling. In that case perhaps go with what @Confiscatedpopit has suggested, "Just say are you thinking this might turn into something romantic? As it’s not what I want. I’m happy to stay friends though", perhaps softening the blow by giving a "I never date neighbours" excuse. As I said, it's less about being kind, and all about not ending up falling out with someone you can't get away from (unless you move house!) Having been in a situation where I dated a neighbour's brother, and having an awful time after I dumped him, I'd use a similar excuse.

LucentBlade · 14/11/2021 08:31

My sister who was widowed started dating a guy 7 years older than her, he was 70. They were at it like rabbits apparently.

I also thought this was going to be about an elderly neighbour who needed looking after but not in that way.

Just stop with the coffees.

gogohm · 14/11/2021 08:32

Not sure how old you are but sounds like he's asking you out, you need to explicitly tell him whilst you enjoy chatting with him you are not interested in a relationship beyond friends. Tell him you will be stopping having coffee if he wants more

gogohm · 14/11/2021 08:33

By the way at 70 he's not old, my parents are that age, trust me nothing elderly about them

pastabest · 14/11/2021 08:34

I work with someone who is 74 and still working full time.

70 isn't elderly and age doesn't stop men from feeling their entitled to any woman that shows them attention.

millenialblush · 14/11/2021 08:36

Pervy young men grow into pervy old men. Nothing about him being old excuses his behaviour. Stop seeing him.

Purplewithred · 14/11/2021 08:37

@sluj

I think you made a mistake there thinking 70 is elderly!!
Hahahahaha. Did you think he was a sweet lonely little old man with no thoughts further than his next Rich Tea biscuit because he’s 70. Mick Jagger is 78. Harrison Ford is 79. Helen Mirren is 76.

He has designs on you my dear. Shocker!

Nopassionforfashion · 14/11/2021 08:39

I think the next time he suggests coffee or a meal I would say that his previous remarks about "seeing what happens" suggests there has been a misunderstanding. You've been happy to have regular coffees to get to know your neighbours better but that's it, and as you don't appear to be on the same page it's probably better to stop.

I think this is going to be an awkward one regardless but I wouldn't go in really heavy handed because you're still neighbours. I'd try a gentle but firm approach first and then if that doesn't work, toughen up with him.

Catflapkitkat · 14/11/2021 08:39

Yes, you saw your actions as being kind and neighbourly and he sees you, a younger woman, as a potential love interest. The vanity of some men!

Knock the coffees on the head. He has crossed the line. If he asks you for dinner again say 'No, I have told you no and your persistence is making me feel uncomfortable'. You don't have to consider his feelings, he isn't considering yours.

He's not the amiable elderly man you thought he was he is a letch.

MsTSwift · 14/11/2021 08:39

Some men are utterly delusional and entitled egged on by our society - they see the likes of mick jagger so think that’s an option 🙄.

Some younger women can be quite naive about this and think “aww he’s being friendly / sweet etc as they don’t realise what the real agenda is because rightly they see sex as off the table.

icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 08:42

He's not elderly at seventy!

My dad is that age and still runs up fells and mountains on a daily basis Grin

How old are you, OP?

PinkiOcelot · 14/11/2021 08:48

70 isn’t young though is it? I’m early 50s and wouldn’t be interested in a 70 year old. Urghhhhh.

Knock the coffee on the head. Always be in a rush when you see him and just wave in passing. He’s being very presumptuous.

borntobequiet · 14/11/2021 08:49

70 is elderly, the standard definition is over 65. I’m 68 and am comfortable being termed “elderly”.
If it’s clear he’s interested in a relationship, and you don’t much enjoy his company, tell him about your unease and stop the coffee dates. If you enjoy his company, tell him and continue with the coffee but perhaps less frequently. In other words, treat him like any other male friend.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/11/2021 08:51

@sluj

I think you made a mistake there thinking 70 is elderly!!
Yes. The hot blood is still flowing. You see him as an old man approaching the end of his life he sees himself as a young buck. He's not that much older than me.

You need to make yourself clear so I would stop the coffees and avoid him.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2021 08:53

@borntobequiet

70 is elderly, the standard definition is over 65. I’m 68 and am comfortable being termed “elderly”. If it’s clear he’s interested in a relationship, and you don’t much enjoy his company, tell him about your unease and stop the coffee dates. If you enjoy his company, tell him and continue with the coffee but perhaps less frequently. In other words, treat him like any other male friend.
Well, I'm not happy with it!!
User12398712 · 14/11/2021 08:54

Plenty of 70 year olds are elderly. My dad was in serious physical and mental decline at 70 and getting stairlifts and walk in baths fitted. He was dead by 72.

borntobequiet · 14/11/2021 08:56

Forgot to say - elderly is just a chronological, not a biological term. Though elderly, I work (though not full time now)and I know for a fact that I’m stronger and fitter than quite a few of my younger colleagues. I meet up with friends for a coffee sometimes and yes, a couple of them are men much younger than I am. I and they know that were it not for a 20 or 30 year age gap, and circumstances, a relationship would be on the cards, because there’s a definite attraction there. It’s never going to happen, but it adds an extra dimension to the friendship.

Practicebeingpatient · 14/11/2021 08:59

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

Throw off those socially conditioned ‘be nice’ shackles and tell him he’s crossed the line and you won’t be seeing him anymore.

He’s a creep. He probably always was one.

This. Just because he is older doesn't mean you shouldn't enforce normal boundaries. Talk to him as frankly as you would a younger man.
Ourlady · 14/11/2021 08:59

Just tell him
Jimmy, I need to make it clear that we are just friends, nothing more.

ZenNudist · 14/11/2021 09:04

Posted to find out your age. I vote 30-40 and he's really taking the piss.

BTW definitely knock the coffee on the head.

Itsjustrenee · 14/11/2021 09:04

How old you are is very relevant to this. If you’re age appropriate then if you’re seeing him regularly for coffee its not too much of a stretch to going for a meal and seeing where it goes. However if you’re much younger then it’s creepy and a bit pathetic.

How old are you OP.

Practicebeingpatient · 14/11/2021 09:05

@Cosyblankets

I thought this was going to be about someone really old and on their own! 70 isn't elderly. I thought it was going to be about them not coping physically at home! If he wasn't 70 what would you do? Do that
I think we can trust the OP. If she is describing this 70 year old as elderly then he probably is.

For some people 70 isn't just elderly, it's properly old. My own mum was old by about 65. It's a choice she made. Conversely I have 2 80 year old friends who aren't elderly yet but still very young and active.

However you are absolutely right that the OP should treat this person exactly as she would a younger man. To treat him differently because he is older is patronising.

laalaaland · 14/11/2021 09:06

Don't let his age influence your actions. If a younger man were being this pushy, what would you do? I'm assuming (hoping) you'd politely but firmly decline all offers and of he still didn't get the message just completely ignore/block.
His age doesn't decide whether he's a decent human or not.

Kuachui · 14/11/2021 09:08

id say 70 is elderly... for me ots young under 40, 40 to 65 is middle aged and over 65/70 is elderly.

some people are in care homes by 70, some people are using zimmer frames or walking sticks at 70, its all relative but basing off age i would also call 70 elderly hence why people retire... once they reach elderly

Switch82 · 14/11/2021 09:09

Well my 70 year old grandfather was right ladies man! Fully up to his old tricks (he cheated on my gran) I even found viagra in his room when I was helping him pack for a trip abroad!!

Trust me 70 ain’t elderly - he’s the same as any young man. Say no!