Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

279 replies

CSIblonde · 14/11/2021 07:48

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 15/11/2021 19:05

OP I feel for you. That level of pressure is certainly icky no matter the person’s age. As pps have said, make excuses for getting together for coffee or meals.
Just a polite hello from now on and avoid.

flashy44 · 15/11/2021 19:18

Just stop going for the coffee say you are too busy he will eventually get the message after a few nos

HideousKinky · 15/11/2021 19:23

Laughing at the idea 65 is elderly as my DH (age 65) has just returned from a day's windsurfing....

wentworthinmate · 15/11/2021 19:30

Similar situation here though they didn't live next door so easier to handle. I had to 'ghost' them and after 2 weeks they have give up trying.

AnnieSnap · 15/11/2021 20:04

@altiara

When I googled elderly it meant old or aging. Didn’t mean doddery. Living for 65+ years is a long time, so not unreasonable to say someone is old. People are just putting extra connotations on top insinuating frail.

Personally, I’d say “look George, I’m happy to meet for coffee every couple of weeks but I’m not interested in going out for a meal”. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings but then if they continue hurting my feelings, then bam - be blunt!

“Happy to meet for a coffee every couple of weeks as a friend, but I’m not interested in anything more”
MammaMacgill87 · 15/11/2021 20:17

I don't feel like having weekly coffee with you anymore. If pushed, just repeat I don't want coffee nor a meal and I do not like green eggs and ham, I will not date you old man

Chocolatehamper · 15/11/2021 20:50

You were being born when he was celebrating his 18th. You were a toddler when he was turning 21...
He is a creep and is praying on your good nature (more often female nature) to 'be kind' to him. Unfortunately, his limits to kindness go way beyond coffee...
I'm also 52, the thought of a 70 year old getting frisky is enough to make me 🤢

Stop thinking of him as a 'nice old man', he's not. Treat him as you would a man of your own age who was overstepping your boundaries. Firmly but politely - you don't need any backlash and you still have to live beside him.

Ilovelblue · 15/11/2021 21:53

I can sympathise with this as I had something which was sort of similar in some ways. My elderly neighbour (he was late 70s at the time) would occasionally help me out with little DIY jobs if I got stuck. He was always happy to help and it gave him something to do. I knew he'd been a real ladies man back in the day but had never realised that in his head he was still like a dog on heat! He never tried anything on, thank God, but I realised he told random folk that he wished we were more than just friendly neighbours! Where it turned nasty was that he started to talk about me to his daughters who decided I was after his money! I had to stop all our chats at that point. He never did understand why we no longer spoke till the day he died.

Derkle · 15/11/2021 22:49

You made the mistake of assuming a 70yo doesn want a "romantic" relationship. Tell him firmly that you're not interested and that you won't be having coffee with him anymore as you don't wish to lead him on.

MooMoo74 · 15/11/2021 23:36

70 is definitely elderly. Turn him down gently i wouldn’t have the heart to be blunt

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/11/2021 23:51

@HideousKinky

Laughing at the idea 65 is elderly as my DH (age 65) has just returned from a day's windsurfing....
Well, he's an elderly man who went windsurfing then! Good on him!
stilltypewithonefinger · 15/11/2021 23:52

Don't go into his flat, take a deep breath and assertively make clear that his behaviour recently has made you feel very uncomfortable and therefore you will not be joining him for coffee anymore. Remind him that you gave him a chance to stop making comments and he has ignored you. Don't discuss it with him after that.

Fleshmechanic · 16/11/2021 00:17

Haha sorry I think you've been fooled. That's not elderly. He obviously wants to bang. Definitely just tell him the truth and cut it down to just a friendly chat at the front gate, no more coffee dates.

Mamanyt · 16/11/2021 00:37

Start being "busy" for coffee. If he persists after that, tell him politely that you are not interested in pursuing a relationship, or, in light of the pressure, a friendship. Then say goodbye, firmly but politely. At that point, you have made yoursellf clear, AND taken the high road.

Original poster
CSIblonde · 16/11/2021 01:21

I accept a lot of people think 70 isn't old. But, he looks much older, is frail, forgetful, deaf as a post & smokes like a chimney. After he wouldn't let the issue of taking me to dinner & him paying, go , i did tell him pester power makes me seethe & I'd never see him as anything but a friend. He then said he'd buy me takeout & I could eat it alone, at home. I nixed that too. I'm not doing coffee any more, just saying I've got a lot on & being polite. He has family & friends locally & has company daily so he's not a lonely old man.

OP posts:
THEDEACON · 16/11/2021 01:27

Age is neither here nor there a man fancies his chances with you but you aren't interested firmly tell him that If he persists cut all contact no coffee meets no encouragement I was 51 and my husband 71 when we married we are at it like bunnies because we both find each other attractive regardless of ageTreat his unwanted attention as you would from a man of your own ageSimples

Angrywife · 16/11/2021 07:15

@sluj

I think you made a mistake there thinking 70 is elderly!!
Oh for petes sake, it is!
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/11/2021 07:21

I learnt the hard way when it comes to giving your time and effort to people - start as you mean to go on.
If you feel bad, you could do it gradually. Reduce to every two weeks, then once a month. Or just have a reason you can't anymore, like an online course or something.

videovixen · 16/11/2021 07:49

70 is elderly

Whereismumhiding3 · 16/11/2021 08:05

@CSIblonde
I think you've said enough to this 70 year old male neighbour. You've told him no, you've asked him to stop postering you about it. He's forgetful frail demanding and you're not keen on his company. You sense he'll be unpleasant if you keep turning down his offer of date / dinner.

I agree OP, it's time to stop the coffee visits and be too busy for them. I'd be saying "no I don't want to, please stop asking" if he started pestering why you weren't going round for coffee anymore.

If he's forgetful, it'd be easier & clearer to completely cut contact

OhGiveUp · 16/11/2021 08:07

As everyone else said, no more coffee, visits or anything else.
Just ignore his existence except for a quick hello if you see him out and about.

billy1966 · 16/11/2021 08:46

He sounds really awful.

Some men have a ferocious vanity and think ANY woman is fair game.

When I was 52 I most certainly thought 70 is elderly.

Some 70 year olds are as fit as a fiddle, but it still IS elderly.

He sounds very elderly, loosing his memory but not his male entitlement.

I would ditch any hint of politeness.
He sounds like a pest.

Flowers
Michellelovesizzy · 16/11/2021 09:26

I had this a work... we worked in a small shop in a small town an old man would come in about 70 everyday and we would make him coffee. There was a younger girl workin with us about 24 she was really kind to him dropped him the news paper and shopping if he was unwell. He started Calling and texting her all the time trying to get her to come round to his flat turning up at the shop after work to walk her to her car and comin in when he new she would be alone.... we did try a few different things to stop him but in the end I had to be blunt and tell him was no longer welcome in the shop because is behaviour was inappropriate x

Mamanyt · 16/11/2021 11:21

@videovixen

70 is elderly
But not dead....and with men, hope (even if nothing else) springs eternal.

And then there's a friend's grandfather who became a new father at the ripe old age of 92...and you can be sure there were tests done. My friend (this was years ago) took a lot of ribbing for having an uncle who was 21 years younger than he was.

My own great-uncle died unexpectedly at the age of 105, after having taken two ladies in their 80s out for a night on the town, closing several bars, hitting a restaurant for breakfast, and dragging in after 8 AM. He decided to nap before supper, went to sleep, and never woke up. Those younger women will KILL you!

JFM27 · 16/11/2021 11:23

My thoughts about the elderly .im in my 70s and i am definitely NOT elderly.i power walk every morning,weigh same as did at 30 pass year olds on my walk,belong to two dining groups so actually go out at nightlol No old lady clothes or shoes, pleather trouser and red snakeskin boots. One of guys in my dining group though me same age as him, 60.

I have no intention of being "elderly" Look at Lulu Helen Mirren etc would you call them elderly