Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

[CSIblonde]

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

Too add - the guy OP is talking about is a creep regardless of age

@echt

He's being tediously persistent, and his age is irrelevant.

The ick factor ascribed to his age by some posters is the usual ageist shite spouted on MN at regular intervals.

Exactly

His age and yours are irrelevant.
The only thing that is, is the fact that he’s crossed the line and made you uncomfortable with his behaviour. Tell him that, and that you’re not interested. If you want to try and be friends and have coffee, give it a go, but he may have spoiled that for you too. You can be polite neighbours, and it’s his fault, not yours, that friendly coffee may be off the cards.

I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean.

That’s your female socialisation talking. The whole #bekind thing.

Ever noticed how it’s only women who are expected to #bekind?

Is he being kind to you? Does he care if he’s being mean to you by behaving like a creepy perv? Does he care if he makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable? Does he care whether you’re even reciprocating his interest?

No, of course he isn’t/doesn’t. He wants something from you and he’s not interested in whether you want that too or not. His wants. That’s all he cares about.

But your female socialisation is making you worry about being mean to him. Despite the fact his persistence is making you feel actually uneasy.

Listen to that unease. Pay attention to it. It’s good advice from your instincts. It’s warning you that this man may be a predator, elderly or not. Enough men his age still get convicted of sex offences. A man who was a creep at 40 doesn’t stop being a creep when he’s 70. He’s trying to pressure you to do something you don’t want to do already: that’s a sign he might try to pressure you to do other things you don’t want to do further down the line.

Be “mean”. Put yourself first. He has no qualms about putting himself first; why shouldn’t you?

If someone said to me ‘the elderly lady over there’, I would expect someone that looks about 80+

Exactly this. Elderly really does not mean 65/70 years old!

Your mistake was to think 70 is old and also that most men will try it on if they get the opportunity.....even housebound 90 year olds!

Maybe time to invent a ‘love interest’? Next time you are going out tell the neighbour that you are meeting a long term friend. No need to go into detail, just indicate that you are not available as you already have a close relationship with someone, although you prefer to keep the details private. No need to indicate whether male or female. Hopefully he should get the hint.

You have to be very firm with your boundary from now on.next time you see him,tell him you will NOT going for a meal with him,nor will you have coffee with him.tell him,you arr very busy and that you have no romantic feelings towards him.this might sound cruel or unkind,but he sounds a creep and he is not a vulnerable old neighbour.He is a 70 year old man,who is controlling and unpleasant.

He isn't elderly. My dad is 76 still works and exercises and is totally intellectually the same as a much younger man. You are thinking you have to tiptoe around this guy when actually he is just being a creepy flirt

I'm going to be too busy for coffees in future I think. I do see 70 as elderly if the person is very obviously mentally & physically in decline: which he is. Repeats same stories every time, very forgetful, very frail etc. I suppose the coffee started because I used to have a much older friend in her 80's & I miss that friendship. But she was , in mind & body, like a woman half her age . I can see him turning nasty if I keep accepting the offer if coffee, but turn down the taking me to dinner.

@icedcoffees

If someone said to me ‘the elderly lady over there’, I would expect someone that looks about 80+

Exactly this. Elderly really does not mean 65/70 years old!

Yes it does.

@waterrat

He isn't elderly. My dad is 76 still works and exercises and is totally intellectually the same as a much younger man. You are thinking you have to tiptoe around this guy when actually he is just being a creepy flirt

He is 70, he IS elderly.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower

He is a creep.
Tell him to fuck off, block his number and knock the coffees on the head as of today.“

Bit of a leap.
How old are you, OP? that would make a big difference to my response

@donquixotedelamancha

70 isn't elderly

Oh no, OP has committed the cardinal MN sin. Despite the fact that half the population is dead by 80 apparently 70 is still early middle age.

PMSL. Of course 70 is not 'early to middle age' What planet are you living on?

The elderly denial on here is so bizarre. I have never seen anything like it in real life.

I am 53, and am in late middle age, and I am happy to admit that. What is all this '70 is not elderly' guff about? Why the denial? WTF is wrong with being older, and being called elderly?

As I said, I am late middle age and am perfectly happy about, and proud to be a 50-something woman, and I am not deluded enough to think that I am still 'a hottie' and that men a generation younger than me will fancy me. (Like some...)

Some seriously deluded women on here!!! Only on MUMSNET would someone call 70 'early to middle age!' LMFAO. 😂

Also, it makes fuck-all difference if someone is still working at 65, it is STILL elderly.

For the posters who struggle with comprehension; 80+ is late elderly, 65 to 79 is elderly, 56 to 64 is senior, 40 to 55 is middle age, 26 to 39 is adult, 18 to 25 is young adult.

I am happy to say I am late middle-age at 53, WHY are people so offended and upset, when they are called elderly - which is what they are at 65-70? It's so bizarre. I can only surmise it is denial, as they associate 'elderly' with being aged and frail.. Guess they can't help being in denial, but it doesn't make them any less elderly if they are 65-79!

Yes it does.

According to who?

I've googled and there's actually no set definition of "elderly", but it generally means the oldest people in society and the oldest people in the UK are not seventy years old by a long shot - plenty of people live into their eighties and nineties these days, and many do so independently or with minimal care.

This BBC article is quite interesting:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-50472775

For the posters who struggle with comprehension; 80+ is late elderly, 65 to 79 is elderly, 56 to 64 is senior, 40 to 55 is middle age, 26 to 39 is adult, 18 to 25 is young adult.

Where are you getting your information from?

I wouldn't consider someone who has only just retired at 65 to be remotely close to being elderly, lol.

It's not about being offended, but if someone said to you "see that elderly kady over there" would really think they meant someone the age of Theresa May?

According to the rules in Midsommar 72 is when you hit elderly - jumping off the cliff time.

65 is the "official" age at which you become elderly, BTW. How on earth is 70 not elderly?

Has anyone cancelled the cheque yet?

If I'm 70 and in good physical condition, sharp as a tack and active as ever, I'll be an elderly woman in great physical and mental condition. However, I'll still be around a decade (give or take) from the end of my life, unless I live much longer than average.
When I was in my early 20s I felt and acted much older than I was, for various reasons, and tended to get on much better with people a decade or more older than me at work, however I was still a young person.

This ‘elderly’ man is a creep who is taking advantage of your niceness OP. This kind of shit has happened to me so many times when younger that I would be very annoyed and therefore blunt with such a presumptuous man now. Tell him straight that you have no idea where he got the idea that ‘things might happen between you, but it most definitely won’t. His reaction to this will tell you if you can continue to be friends, but I’m guessing not.

His age is irrelevant (he can be creepy at 40 or 70!) Just be blunt and tell him you can't come for coffee/meal.
Or invent another "friend" who you're "close" to.

I am happy to say I am late middle-age at 53, WHY are people so offended and upset, when they are called elderly - which is what they are at 65-70? It's so bizarre. I can only surmise it is denial, as they associate 'elderly' with being aged and frail.. Guess they can't help being in denial, but it doesn't make them any less elderly if they are 65-79

@LittleDandelionClock

I’m younger than you (at 40) so clearly for me it’s not denial 🤣

I still wouldn’t describe a 65 year old as elderly…..

I don't think you should stop the coffees unless you particularly want to stop.
Just make it 100% clear where the boundaries are.

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

65 is the "official" age at which you become elderly, BTW. How on earth is 70 not elderly?

Again, according to what source?

A quick google says there isn't an official age