Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

[CSIblonde]

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

@CSIblonde

I thought the average life expectancy was 76 for men? 82 for women (last year's Daily Fail). Physically & mentally he's not great tbh , so he seems a lot older to me. Tho' I had a great friend in her late 70's who was fit as a fiddle & very young in her outlook & interests: & her partner was 10 years younger.

I don't see life expectancy and elderliness as being the same thing.

Most men might die before they reach eighty, but that doesn't make seventy elderly imo.

Elderly to me is 80-85+. As in, older than your average person.

Male life expectancy in the UK is currently 79. Usually it's on an upward trajectory but has fallen slightly due to Covid.

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/sep/23/male-life-expectancy-uk-drops-covid-females

thats the thing with averages - they try to distill wide variety into a single number - my family are active and long lived and 70 would be considered young, husbands family are retired and old as soon as they hit 65 - I think its a state of mind.
Anyway back to the main thing - he's not nice - he's got plenty of company and is not listening to you. People that don't listen and continue to push don't need to be pandered to just because they are old. But there's probably no point trying to change him as it will not be listened to by him either.
If you can't say no directly and give him a piece of your mind, then just keep being busy. Whatever you do don't say yes to keep the peace - it has to be no every single time.

In my experience, many older men (even in their 80s) seem to view a single woman as fair game, when it wouldn't even cross our minds to 'date' them. It is disconcerting, and awkward for you.

Yeah definitely become unavailable for coffee.
You've just triggered an almost forgotten memory for me.
30 yrs ago, I was a single parent, elderly gent next door befriended me, harmless right?
Wrong.
Started with the odd cup of tea in my house, then started with awkward (for me) hugs when he was leaving, then we moved onto inappropriate touching whilst hugging, sitting close to me on the sofa and touching me, it got to the point where as soon as I opened the curtains in the morning he'd turn up clutching two cups of tea in his hand.
I didn't want to be rude, he lived next door, was old etc 🙄 I was young, on my own, vulnerable and basically scared.
In the end I cut all contact, cowardly by not answering the door and avoiding him, his response was to send me cards through the post calling me a slag / prostitute / bad mother / report me to SS etc.
He also liked to hammer on my door in the middle of the night with his walking stick 🙄
So yeah, don't be fooled by the old person routine, he's trying to draw you in, he's probably lonely but I wouldn't be surprised if he has romantic feelings for you, him paying for meals smacks of a date not a meal with a friend, if you accept he may feel you owe him something, I'd distance myself

Yuk. This was 100% what my grandad would do at any opportunity, any living breathing woman was a target and he honestly thought of himself as some kind of irresistible sex weapon, he was still doing it to the nurses at 88 in the hospice. Creepy men stay creepy men I am afraid. No more coffees!

“I don’t know what you mean by ‘see what will happen’ but I can tell you from my POV that nothing will happen, and thanks for the invitation but I don’t need to go to dinner to know that”

It is possible to be clear and straightforward without nastiness or slithering around making excuses.

TBH, if you're happy with just coffee, tell him so.
But if he is persistent, just tell him this was a friendship, now you have made it awkward and I can't continue.

If he had asked you out and you said no, and he accepted that, no problem, but he hasn't.

The 'elderly' thing is also related to social class. In some parts of the country, the average life expectancy is considerably lower than others.

For example looking at national statistics in the ward of Elswick in Newcastle the average life expectancy is 70 and due to factors such as smoking, manual labour jobs, air pollution etc it is likely the latter years are lived in poor health. So yes 70 can be elderly.

Anyway in this situation age is irrelevant - he wants more than friendship you don't. If I was you I'd put an end to the coffees as unfortunately he's taking that as a sign you're interested and an opportunity to push his luck.

Yuk about the old man smell and rotten old sperm. My teenage gs's certainly have an odour (their bedrooms) but that certainly doesn't put the girls off!

Yes, he is trying his luck and acting like he is making the decisions. I had a lovely elderly neighbour in my twenties op. I was at the bus stop one day and he offered me a lift to work. For some reason I got in the back of the car but that didn't stop him reaching back and putting his hand on my knee at the traffic lights.

Same at a charity I volunteered at. The manager's dh was just horrible, him and his mate came in regularly and were army old school types. I was counting up collection monies when he put his hand up the back of my jumper. She knew, because she later said that sometimes people misunderstood her dh and he was just being friendly. Yeah right.

Just be too busy op. He has plenty of local family you say, so he needs to get himself another interest. Dont be sorry for him.

Would you choose to go for coffee with him simply for the pleasure of his company?
ie. with no other obligation, social/moral etc?

There is research that there is an "old person smell" though one link here : www.agingcare.com/articles/old-person-smell-174839.htm ... why are people jumping on the post as being judgemental, to me it makes perfect biological sense.

He may not be 'elderly', but OP is perfectly within her rights to be creeped out by a man 18 years her senior refusing to take no for an answer.

Be blunt. He's obviously got form for this based on his persistence.

I knew a woman in her late 60’s who made the mistake of moving to a retirement apartment. She had no children and no local family so thought the company & social side would be good for her.

She was distraught after a few months as all the old men were constantly knocking on her door hassling her for cups of coffee, dates & more! Age doesn’t change men’s attitudes.

I had a man making a pass literally on his death bed. No dementia or anything. His grandson was mortified and very apologetic

I'm afraid the only correct thing to do here is be until. Tell him you are not at all interested and you won't be seeing him any more. How flaming entitled expecting you to pay for everything and thinking that he is God's gift. Id give him Short shrift.

Sorry should have read be blunt.

@sluj

I think you made a mistake there thinking 70 is elderly!!

I concur, my dad is a young 70 and he's still on the hunt. Don't feel mean OP!

I had an ex neighbor a little like this. I assumed he was sweet and I always said hello and waved. But made kissing noises, complimented me, wanted to know my marital status, he was lonely. He clearly thought that I would be his girlfriend. It beggars belief that a much older man with few teeth and who could barely walk would think that a younger, active career woman would be interested.

He has made you feel uncomfortable, would use the words of my upfront colleague (she's 22, and a delivery guy made a pass, or 2 or 3... he's about 40)

"Back off grandpa, I am not interested "

It put the message across and he stopped... which was her aim.

@BeyondMyWits hahaha that's brilliant!

@CSIblonde
You want to stop the weekly coffees
They were at his instigation
He won't stop badgering you to go out (on a date) for a meal
Regardless of his age (-18 years old than you- he's being a persistent pest
You've had enough and don't like his company anymore
Do what you'd do with any man who keeps asking you out that won't take No for an answer and is making you uncomfortable, cut contact and tell him to stop

"Neighbour, you keep asking me out and I said no over and over. I'm not interested. I was being friendly as a neighbour but it's too much now. I don't want to come round for coffee either anymore. Please leave me alone"
Then don't spend any time with him anymore and don't acknowledge him. Everything else becomes "No thanks" (to "talking about it" "a coffee as we used to be friends" etc)