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Original poster

Elderly Neighbour. WWYD?

279 replies

CSIblonde · 14/11/2021 07:48

Since I moved, I've had a weekly coffee with my neighbour, at his instigation. He's 70, lots of family locally, who he sees daily. It was fine at first, but now he won't stop asking me to go for a meal with him. I felt that was too much as he said he wouldn't split the bill or take turns paying. He also said worryingly "We'll go tor a few meal's & maybe see what happens". I very firmly squashed the more than friendship angle he was hinting at , but he's still bringing it up all the time, like a broken record. I now want to stop the weekly coffee as his persisting is making me uneasy. But that feels mean . WWYD?

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 14/11/2021 10:36

And 70 is elderly, not that it's relevant

Kuachui · 14/11/2021 10:38

@littledandelionclock you literally said 65+ is elderly... like i said, there is no inbetween, its young, middle aged and elderly so anyone that isnt young or elderly is middle aged... the young and elderly work or educate, the elderly retire, middle aged doesnt mean 50% of an average life span, its normally within a range, of middle ages so 35/40 to 60/65 its both within 15 years each way around 50.

Mellowyellow222 · 14/11/2021 10:43

His age as absolutely nothing to do with this.

He is a creep.

Treat like any man who can’t seem to take no for an answer. Ignore him, stop the weekly coffee, tell him he makes you uncomfortable and the coffee arrangement doesn’t work for you.

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 10:43

If he wasn’t 70 no way would you think this was acceptable. He’s a creep, regardless of his age.

DaisyNGO · 14/11/2021 10:44

I would be blunt. Say his advances made you uncomfortable and you don't want to be friends anymore.

Mulhollandmagoo · 14/11/2021 10:45

His age is irrelevant to be honest, men shouldn't be acting this way towards women, and women shouldn't feel uncomfortable in calling this behaviour out. I know it's easier said than done for a lot of us, but you could just say 'we are clearly on different pages with where we see this going, so knocking the coffees/meals on the head is probably for the best. Take care'

Upsidedownpineapplecake · 14/11/2021 10:47

Life expectancy doesn’t work like that. It reflects the expectancy when you are born. Because males have more genetic issues and riskier behaviour when younger their life expectancy is lower than females.
Someone who has lived to 70 is very unlikely to pass at76 they are much more likely to live into their 80’s or 90’s
Suggest you stop having coffee

borntobequiet · 14/11/2021 10:49

@fuckoffImcounting

70 is not elderly. I am 68 and still get attention. You see a little old man, he feels like a young stud.
But it is elderly, as it’s over 65. It’s a definition tied to chronological age, not physical or mental health.

Being elderly doesn’t mean being devoid of attraction, by any means.

Viviennemary · 14/11/2021 10:50

He has overstepped the mark by continuing go ask you when you have said no several times. Not sure if I would stop the coffees. I probably would.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 14/11/2021 10:53

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

Throw off those socially conditioned ‘be nice’ shackles and tell him he’s crossed the line and you won’t be seeing him anymore.

He’s a creep. He probably always was one.

This.

You don’t owe this man anything.

If you are uncomfortable with a direct approach then simply say you’re starting a new job and won’t be available anymore. You’re working from home.

Eddielzzard · 14/11/2021 10:53

No more people pleasing. You please yourself. You have no obligation towards him and now the coffees are making you uncomfortable I'd stop accepting. He's overstepped the mark repeatedly. This is not a friendship to be valued.

DameMaureen · 14/11/2021 10:57

There are loads of men this age and much older on online dating sites . Tell him you are not interested .

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 10:59

**But it is elderly, as it’s over 65. It’s a definition tied to chronological age, not physical or mental health.

Being elderly doesn’t mean being devoid of attraction, by any means**

I don’t think 65 is generally considered ‘elderly’. Older adult yes, but elderly is more like 80-85+

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 11:00

@borntobequiet

Nydj · 14/11/2021 11:02

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday

Throw off those socially conditioned ‘be nice’ shackles and tell him he’s crossed the line and you won’t be seeing him anymore.

He’s a creep. He probably always was one.

Definitely this especially as he has refused to accept a ‘no’ from you already.
Doomscrolling · 14/11/2021 11:03

I think being blunt is the only way forward.

HeronLanyon · 14/11/2021 11:09

Not elderly however he may be rather old for his age ? He may be lonely / unsocialised / socially dis functional or a downright letch. Who really knows.
So what he’s 70 and you are 52 ? It doesn’t reflect on you.
I just think you need to be straightforward with him - not interested other than neighbour not wanting to go for any meal with him and don’t want him to be asking wtc.
I really don’t yet see any reason to do more other than keep eyes open don’t go for coffee etc. Back to more normal neighbour chat and no more etc.

FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2021 11:10

@Pinkgorrilaz

Some men always like to think they're in with a chance. He's obviously one of them. Knock the coffees on the head because he clearly won't take no for an answer and will get arsey with you at some point.
This.
icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 11:14

But it is elderly, as it’s over 65. It’s a definition tied to chronological age, not physical or mental health.

I'm sorry, but 65 years old in the UK is not elderly - most people are still working at that age, and people of my generation won't be getting their state pension until they're closer 70!

65 may well be pension age, or "senior" age, but I don't know any 65 year olds that I would consider elderly. Most are all very active - many work they do regular exercise (from yoga to fell running), they volunteer severl days a week, they still drive, look after grand-children for long periods of time, still manage to do DIY at home etc.

That's really not "elderly".

nomoneytreehere · 14/11/2021 11:32

Of course 70 is elderly. Just because you are 68 or 72 and still feel young is totally irrelevant. My in-laws are late 60's and you can already see their decline slowly starting (just as I did with my own parents 10 years ago). It's imperceptible at first as they are still working and going out for dinner and all that stuff. But the ability to get stressed over nothing has started as well as the needing to do things their way and slight inflexibility. At 70 you can be one bad fall or illness away from frailty, which doesn't necessarily kill you. Elderly and frailty are not the same thing and I think some posters are getting annoyed as they are older but in good health so they don't see themselves in the same category I know a 90 year old who is very fit and cognitively well still out on his bike. Doesn't mean he's not elderly though. By 70 the state expects you to be retired. If 70 isn't elderly what is? 75?

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2021 11:45

This happened to my neighbour too, another neighbour lost his wife then promptly tried it on with her. She had the really firm, just not fair on her.

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 11:46

@nomoneytreehere

Of course 70 is elderly. Just because you are 68 or 72 and still feel young is totally irrelevant. My in-laws are late 60's and you can already see their decline slowly starting (just as I did with my own parents 10 years ago). It's imperceptible at first as they are still working and going out for dinner and all that stuff. But the ability to get stressed over nothing has started as well as the needing to do things their way and slight inflexibility. At 70 you can be one bad fall or illness away from frailty, which doesn't necessarily kill you. Elderly and frailty are not the same thing and I think some posters are getting annoyed as they are older but in good health so they don't see themselves in the same category I know a 90 year old who is very fit and cognitively well still out on his bike. Doesn't mean he's not elderly though. By 70 the state expects you to be retired. If 70 isn't elderly what is? 75?
Well I’m only 40 so a long way off being elderly, but someone upthread said 65 is elderly.

I don’t think 65 is elderly do you? It would rain the older adult category for me.

If someone said to me ‘the elderly lady over there’, I would expect someone that looks about 80+

DahliaMacNamara · 14/11/2021 11:46

In this context, it doesn't really matter how we categorise this guy. OP termed him elderly to signal that she doesn't consider him a potential sexual partner: he's too old for her. And she doesn't fancy him. And he sounds kind of creepy.

icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 11:47

By 70 the state expects you to be retired. If 70 isn't elderly what is? 75?

Retirement doesn't mean you're elderly, though. It just means that, in general, you're no longer capable of full-time work. The retirement age is only going to continue to rise - people in my generation won't be retiring at 70, that's for sure.

Maybe my view is skewed as I live in an area that's known for sports and outdoor pursuits, but my parents are heading into their 70's and all their friends are in their 70's and I wouldn't describe any of them as elderly or frail. Yes, some are less active than they were, but slowing down with age isn't the same as being elderly.

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 11:51

@icedcoffees

By 70 the state expects you to be retired. If 70 isn't elderly what is? 75?

Retirement doesn't mean you're elderly, though. It just means that, in general, you're no longer capable of full-time work. The retirement age is only going to continue to rise - people in my generation won't be retiring at 70, that's for sure.

Maybe my view is skewed as I live in an area that's known for sports and outdoor pursuits, but my parents are heading into their 70's and all their friends are in their 70's and I wouldn't describe any of them as elderly or frail. Yes, some are less active than they were, but slowing down with age isn't the same as being elderly.

Agreed.

To me, the term ‘elderly’, describes people who are the oldest in society. That’s why I’d say 80+ There’s many in the their late 80’s, 90’s.

65 year olds are not the oldest in society.