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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 11:58

[quote JonSnowIsALoser]@Bettybantz The OP is likely to have a two week old baby, or be in labour if the baby is late, at the time of the even that takes place abroad. Would you be happy to fly while in labour or with a newborn, just so your husband can get pissed at an acquaintance's stag do?[/quote]
For the hundredth time OP IS HAVING A PLANNED C-SECTION.

Merlin3189 · 16/11/2021 12:12

A question of priorities. You and DC almost certainly will survive - neighbours or friends might help in case of problems - but I can't imagine any father wanting to abandon his wife and children in these circumstances.
I now have three pairs of GC. All were born and spent early years with plenty of GP on hand if needed, even with both parents there. I'm sure none of the parents would have even thought of doing this.
How would DH feel if you wanted to go away leaving him with the DC? Why should it be different for him?
YANBU : He is absolutely BU.

PennyPasta3 · 16/11/2021 12:22

Having had a planned section (in which the baby still came a week early!) with a 3 year old - You can make all the plans you want - but you don't know how the 3 year old is going to react to a new baby.

My DS found was very upset with me being in hospital & was very jealous of the new sibling. When we were all home as a family - we could not leave both children in the same room for a second!! It took a long time to adjust - and whilst trying to recover (from what is major surgery) you will need all the help you can get.

Good luck - I hope that your partner sees sense and gives you & HIS family the support that you need. For all those saying that you should be able to cope alone (and yes You probably could - because us Mothers are good like that!), the more help you have in recovery in those first few weeks makes a big difference to your long term health xx

MizzFizz · 16/11/2021 12:30

I would definitely not be ok to be home alone for several days with a newborn and my body aching and healing from birth.

For me, as a couple, you do weddings together or not at all. When my daughter was born, we had to miss my husband's cousin's wedding (international) because WE (not just me) had just had a baby. We're going to have to miss his other cousin's wedding because once again we're expecting 2 weeks before the day. It's just one of those things.

Tell your husband to step up and be in solidarity with his wife.... and be proud that he can't make it because he created a beautiful little life and that's more important than anything else. That's my view anyway.

If he insists... tell him he will need to find you some help for those 4-5 days. You can probably hire a student or nanny to help out for some hours each day. It should be on him to do the research and find/interview someone you like if he's insisting he leave you at that delicate time.

kazlau · 16/11/2021 13:30

YANBU. Far too close to the birth. My daughter had complications and a c section she was in hospital for a long time and quite unwell when she got home. How would you manage, god forbid, that was your birth? If you had family close by I’d still say nope. It’s paternity leave for a reason. Not jolly holiday leave. And for the “why can’t you manage” brigade - not helpful. We gave up giving birth at the side the field and strapping them onto our backs a long time ago.

DameFanny · 16/11/2021 13:33

@hotmeatymilk

Get a friend relative paid help What if she doesn’t want a friend or relative or paid help, and wants her husband, with whom she had the children? What if the 3-year-old who’s about to be pushed out of place by a brand-new baby wants her Daddy, not a stranger for hire?
She may also be too embarrassed to admit to a relative that her H is buggering off on a jolly and leaving her alone 2 weeks after major surgery. It's not her shame but it would feel like it.
TheElectricBoogaloo · 16/11/2021 13:43

@DameFanny
It's not her shame but it would feel like it.
Yes. This.

Suffolkjuggler · 16/11/2021 14:04

Hello lovely ,
I have 2 thoughts on this .

  1. You are definitely capable of looking after your children alone ( you are feeling nervous of the unknown ) . You will be brilliant , don’t doubt yourself .
  1. Your hubby needs to get his priorities in order . You all come first , this is not a family wedding . 4 day trip at anytime around the north of your ( his and your ) child is irresponsible. You might have to stay in hospital / have a c section /be late …. I could go on . Plus it’s the most special time … if he is off work he should be with his new young family . He might need to perhaps have a rethink ?

Good luck xxx

Suffolkjuggler · 16/11/2021 14:05

North = birth !!! Auto correct !!!!

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 14:54

@Suffolkjuggler

Hello lovely , I have 2 thoughts on this .
  1. You are definitely capable of looking after your children alone ( you are feeling nervous of the unknown ) . You will be brilliant , don’t doubt yourself .
  1. Your hubby needs to get his priorities in order . You all come first , this is not a family wedding . 4 day trip at anytime around the north of your ( his and your ) child is irresponsible. You might have to stay in hospital / have a c section /be late …. I could go on . Plus it’s the most special time … if he is off work he should be with his new young family . He might need to perhaps have a rethink ?

Good luck xxx

One last time for the people at the back... OP IS HAVING A PLANNED C-SECTION!!!
youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/11/2021 15:20

You might have a c-section is the new cancel the cheque and it's making me so irrational angry every time I see it!

She's having a planned c-section people, why is that getting missed by so many?!

Mirw · 16/11/2021 16:20

Just say No. If he says, he is, still going, express 4 days worth of milk, hand children over and go stay with mother, friend, in a hotel for the 4 days. He just might appreciate you more then. If not, a divorce may be the way forward.

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 17:25

@youvegottenminuteslynn same here.

eastegg · 16/11/2021 17:45

@Mirw

Just say No. If he says, he is, still going, express 4 days worth of milk, hand children over and go stay with mother, friend, in a hotel for the 4 days. He just might appreciate you more then. If not, a divorce may be the way forward.
Expressing 4 days worth of milk, then going away for 4 days and getting mastitis, sounds like a second helping of hell for the OP rather than a solution! Don’t think you were being serious though 😊
MyOtherProfile · 16/11/2021 17:58

Why are people getting so worked up about knowing OP is having a planned section? That doesn't take away from most of what anyone is posting. It still shows the OPs P has rubbish priorities!

BlusteringBoobies · 16/11/2021 18:31

@MyOtherProfile

Why are people getting so worked up about knowing OP is having a planned section? That doesn't take away from most of what anyone is posting. It still shows the OPs P has rubbish priorities!
Because a lot of posters (especially early on) commented that it wasn't such a big deal coping with two children and that they were 'doing xyz' after giving birth.

So people are pointing out that adding major surgery makes it almost impossible

But I agree, even if you take the CS away, it's a shitty thing to do

hotmeatymilk · 16/11/2021 18:36

Why are people getting so worked up about knowing OP is having a planned section? That doesn't take away from most of what anyone is posting. It still shows the OPs P has rubbish priorities!
I mean, I agree that he shouldn’t be going away even if she could guarantee a zero-complications vaginal birth where she felt so recovered she could run a marathon on Day 1, but I think the shouting is less about “she’s having a C-section and therefore this is bad” and more “for the love of god, read the thread, it’s pointless to post ‘what if you have a C-section’ because she IS having one”. It’s about: what does this post bring to the party?

eastegg · 16/11/2021 18:41

One poster even posted about 3 paragraphs on how it might be doable, then ended it with ‘of course if you have a c section all bets are off’!

WellHereWeGoAgain · 16/11/2021 18:48

Ok, we are on 770 comments and the OP hasn't really been back yet.
All of these messages are a lot to come back to.

After your husband has returned from his weekend away working @Frederica852 have you managed to discuss?
Has reading any of these replies helped you at all?

Original poster
Frederica852 · 16/11/2021 19:24

Thanks for all the replies, it's been helpful to know I'm not being overbearing.
When he came back he acknowledged it's a stupid idea and he's not going to be able to go became of the proximity to the c section date

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 19:26

Thanks for the update, @Frederica852 glad to see it's all turned out ok.

Original poster
Frederica852 · 16/11/2021 19:27

And I don't know where the idea that I'm a SAHM mum has come from. I'm actually the main breadwinner but will be on mat leave

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 19:28

Lots of posters not reading your updates, unfortunately. Be prepared to see quite a few more responses based only on your initial post.

WellHereWeGoAgain · 16/11/2021 19:43

I'm really glad to hear it @Frederica852 and hope you're ok.

hotmeatymilk · 16/11/2021 19:45

What a good, sensible update, @Frederica852! Hope all goes well with your unplanned vaginal birth as a SAHM… Grin

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