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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 16/11/2021 08:08

@Londoncallingme

I wouldn’t mind but then I’m a SAHM and DH works seriously long stressful hours so I’m all up for him having a little r&r and a big wedding do doesn’t happen every month. At 2 weeks baby will sleep eat and sleep some more. Not a problem.
And how would you manage with a toddler that you probably can't lift after having a c-section?
Ameanstreakamilewide · 16/11/2021 08:28

OP, let me tell you something...

My husband is an arsehole and went away to his firm's Christmas party in Butlins for 4 days, when my son was 2 months old.

As you can see, I haven't forgiven him and that sort of resentment is incredibly corrosive to the relationship.

BustyLaRoux · 16/11/2021 08:31

minipie
eddiemairswife
Why can't you manage?
Oh just fuck off

My favourite so far!

RaeRae84 · 16/11/2021 08:37

Haven't read all the posts but I think I saw you were having a C-section.
I started to feel slightly better at 2 weeks but no way would I want to be left alone and that was without another child.
My friend is 5 weeks post section and still can barely lift her baby.
I know it's a shame to miss stuff but it's just life sometimes!
My baby is just over 2 months, DH is away 4 days next week for work abroad (a very rare occurrence) and I'm dreading it.

TheElectricBoogaloo · 16/11/2021 08:38

I am amazed at the number of men (and posters on here) who seem to have put the role of SAHM somewhere slightly in line with the role of domestic servant…and the mans needs trump yours in every way because he brings a wage into the home. This saddens me greatly as it was the attitude of my ex and his family…and my kids are now grown up. His words were (when I’d pleaded with him to not go on yet another bender…I was exhausted with two under 2s in the house ) “when you bring a wage into this house you get a say. Until then, you don’t”. Has nothing really moved on in 20 years???

clarehhh · 16/11/2021 08:54

Not unreasonable at all in my opinion.8 days away for someone he isn't close too.

Thecommentsmakemechuckle · 16/11/2021 09:11

I had an unplanned section then got an infection so was hospitalised for 3 days, that wouldn’t work with a 3 year old at home too if you’ve no family nearby to help out. I guess with a planned section you will know the date in advance but surely he’d want to be home to support you. Like others have said, if it was a local overnight for one night wedding it might not be so daunting but the fact he won’t even be in the same country or able to get home at a moments notice makes all the difference. Again, as others have said, people organising destination weddings understand that not everyone can make it and I’m pretty sure they’d be surprised if he left you home with a newborn and 3 year old anyway!

MumOfScience · 16/11/2021 09:21

For those say why can’t you manage etc. Let’s flip things around here and imagine our OP says she’ll leave her DH (with expressed milk) for four days with a newborn and a three year old to go to what is essentially a party and piss up abroad. Oh and he has a broken leg - because two weeks postpartum I imagine she’ll be feeling physically like she might as well have. If it was “just” a two week old it’s be as bad. Sometimes the internalised sexism on here is shocking.

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 09:28

@clarehhh

Not unreasonable at all in my opinion.8 days away for someone he isn't close too.
Where have you got 8 days from Confused

I think people are purposefully misreading this thread now.

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 09:35

And how would you manage with a toddler that you probably can't lift after having a c-section

Same way loads of us who had no other option had to, BUT (before anyone jumps on me) it's bloody hard and if it can be avoided then it should be. But OP shouldn't HAVE to manage on her own, it's not like it's work he HAS to go to, it's just a bloody wedding. So he'll miss out, big deal. It's not really the wedding that appeals, it's 4 days of checking out of parenting, getting pissed, and shirking his responsibilities whilst his wife struggles at home.

nordicnorth · 16/11/2021 09:40

@KurtWilde from mine and many others interpretation of the OP, it's 4 days away in a foreign country for a stag do. Then 4 days away in a foreign country for a wedding 2-3 weeks later. The OP hasn't clarified this or corrected peoples perception of it being 8 days combined so people are going to make that assumption. She could however mean 2 days for each event.

hotmeatymilk · 16/11/2021 09:52

@nordicnorth But she’s also said he isn’t planning to go to the stag, just the wedding: 4 days.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2021 09:57

I asked before. Where is wedding. It’s 5hrs flight. Sure can be done with 2 nights away

If a sat wedding. Fly Friday. Have wedding. Fly Sunday.

I seem to be the only one that says if doable let him go to the wedding

Get a friend relative paid help

KurtWilde · 16/11/2021 10:01

[quote nordicnorth]@KurtWilde from mine and many others interpretation of the OP, it's 4 days away in a foreign country for a stag do. Then 4 days away in a foreign country for a wedding 2-3 weeks later. The OP hasn't clarified this or corrected peoples perception of it being 8 days combined so people are going to make that assumption. She could however mean 2 days for each event. [/quote]
She said he's not going to the stag do though. So it's not 8 days is it. It's 4.

hotmeatymilk · 16/11/2021 10:07

Get a friend relative paid help
What if she doesn’t want a friend or relative or paid help, and wants her husband, with whom she had the children? What if the 3-year-old who’s about to be pushed out of place by a brand-new baby wants her Daddy, not a stranger for hire?

Hardbackwriter · 16/11/2021 10:07

I seem to be the only one that says if doable let him go to the wedding

Do you think there might be a reason for that?

nordicnorth · 16/11/2021 10:11

It's still 4 days each time presumably which is why people are saying 8 days! Let's face it he wants to go to the stag do as well and thinks he's doing the OP a favour by not going!

TheElectricBoogaloo · 16/11/2021 10:15

@nordicnorth

It's still 4 days each time presumably which is why people are saying 8 days! Let's face it he wants to go to the stag do as well and thinks he's doing the OP a favour by not going!
If he went to the stag do he’d miss the birth of his child! If he’s “doing her a favour” by doing this I would be extremely concerned!
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/11/2021 10:28

@Blondeshavemorefun

I asked before. Where is wedding. It’s 5hrs flight. Sure can be done with 2 nights away

If a sat wedding. Fly Friday. Have wedding. Fly Sunday.

I seem to be the only one that says if doable let him go to the wedding

Get a friend relative paid help

The 3 year old is going to need his/her daddy, as mummy will be busy with the baby and the 3 yo will have all sorts of emotions. I'm about to have my second and I just know my 3 yo will have an utter meltdown when the baby arrives.

You're the only one who says he should go because it's a spectacularly idiotic idea, btw. I don't know why you seem so proud of it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/11/2021 11:00

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

He should have realised all by himself, without you needing to say it, that this was absolutely no go.

Those posters who say, would you leave him alone to look after a newborn and a 3 year old a few days / weeks after major abdominal surgery have it spot on. Also, again you could still be in hospital. What’s he planning for your 3 yo to do in that case?

I can't imagine four days and nights of that after a caesarean ! He's putting Apart from anything else, you will spend the next six months or so worrying and getting stressed about all the what if's that surround this situation. Births do not come on time and with agreed terms and conditions! What if he can't get home in time, flight cancelled etc.. what you you are unwell? He's utterly selfish and not thinking about you or your toddler. It could be he's been having mates chat where they ignorantly say he is giving up the stag do, so should do the wedding. But he has already had one child and should know better. If he wants this, he pays for you to have a mothers helper in attendance, but even then thats so crap.

I had a new born and two and a half yr old to look after when my DH went back to work after just a week's paternity leave (generous, not)

I didn't have a caesarean, but I remember wanting to cry as I tried to establish breastfeeding newborn and the endless changing, burping cycle whilst trying to placate a stir crazy toddler running round the house causing mayhem and looking for attention (because they also need extra attention ) .
Yes Some people do manage. But why should you have to - just so he can have a boys holiday at a wedding?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/11/2021 11:04

Just to add I think the worst part of this is that he has glossed over all the difficulties and the worry this is causing the OP and he's putting the burden of saying no to the wedding on her. So controlling wife wouldn't let him go to the wedding. What a party pooper.
That's actually worse because he hasn't or doesn't want to have the imagination to see what he's leaving her to deal with and he's making her the bad guy for raising these objections which should be obvious to anyone who is already a parent.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2021 11:10

Nearly 20% agree votes. But don’t reply on here saying that

If it was a really close friends wedding would it make a difference

If it can be done in less days then worth trying

But we can all agree to disagree

TheElectricBoogaloo · 16/11/2021 11:12

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff has it spot on
Yes Some people do manage. But why should you have to - just so he can have a boys holiday at a wedding?
The OP will cope. However, there is a difference between HAVING to cope out of necessity, and having to cope alone because her husband has decided to go abroad on the piss for four days.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/11/2021 11:14

@Blondeshavemorefun

Nearly 20% agree votes. But don’t reply on here saying that

If it was a really close friends wedding would it make a difference

If it can be done in less days then worth trying

But we can all agree to disagree

Yeah, like many people on this thread though, I'm willing to bet a vast majority of the "YABU" votes are from people who can't read.

No, it wouldn't. It wouldn't even matter if it was his own mums wedding. His focus needs to be his wife and kids at this time. They are meant to come first, always, but especially TWO WEEKS after a CS. Christ, how do you not see that?

I will not agree to disagree with insanity, thanks.

JonSnowIsALoser · 16/11/2021 11:55

@Bettybantz The OP is likely to have a two week old baby, or be in labour if the baby is late, at the time of the even that takes place abroad. Would you be happy to fly while in labour or with a newborn, just so your husband can get pissed at an acquaintance's stag do?