Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

Also, if he's got so much spare cash that he can afford to pay for a trip to a wedding that might have to be cancelled if there are any complications with the baby, then he surely has enough cash to pay for a night nanny/maternity nurse who lo and behold you might want to keep using once he's back. He's saved on the stag do after all!

@SoftSheen

I had a planned c-section with DC2. I also had DC1 who was nearly four at the time. 10 days later, DH had to go abroad for 3-4 days on an important work trip. It was fine.

However, I had a choice. If I hadn't been fine with it (or had been ill), DH wouldn't have gone. If you're not happy managing by yourself, then you shouldn't have to, especially for something that's just a social event.

This needs editing. If you are not happy, OR capable managing by yourself, as many women are not physically capable of managing on their own with a toddler shortly after birth. I was readmitted 6 days post dc2, I’d have preferred dh to quit his job rather than go on a work trip. He drove me in,and took the two older dc while I had a procedure, then I could barely move for a couple of days so he did everything.

I'm also a bit amazed at the consensus on this thread that OP is allowed to be outraged by this because and only because she's having a C section. I had an incredibly straightforward vaginal birth and I'd still have told DH not to bother coming back if he'd gone on holiday two weeks later.

I'd tell him not to bother coming home just for making the suggestion. What kind of man leaves his family at a time like this. I'd have zero respect for him and tell him where to fuck off to. And 20 percent of people think the OP is being unreasonable. Women are our own worst enemies.

You will be fine. Tell him all is fine, you'll get through the birth without him and then judge what a fool he has been. His loss.

This is the kinda shit my exDH would have pulled. Totally unfair. As others have said, if it was a one nighter then maybe OK. But 4 nights?! No fucking way. Although as he is a bellend he would have gone anyway. He is exDH for a reason!

I think he should stay with his family but why does it have to be a 4 night stay Op can he go to the wedding and return next day if he has to go?

I'd be furious with my DH for even contemplating this to be honest. It's not OK. Would he stay and mind them both and let u go away for 4 days?

You know one of the worst things about his thought process and priorities? If my partner thought I was going to be home with a newborn and toddler for four days solo (let alone during a c section recovery) he would be genuinely worried for me.

He wouldn't want to do it for something necessary -let alone a non obligatory wedding where he doesn't realise everyone will think he's a massive cunt for attending- because he loves me and would want me and our children to be safe and happy especially TWO WEEKS after the newborn was born!!!

It wouldn't be something he wanted to do let alone something he had to be persuaded not to do. And I think that should be a basic expectation in a partner, not a 'good guy' thing someone should be praised for.

He wouldn't view not going as a sacrifice, it would just be so unbelievably obvious that he wouldn't go due to the timings.

Would a mum be told she is being reasonable for leaving her male partner with a toddler and newborn baby after major surgery for four days? Would she fuck.

It's unfathomable to me that anyone thinks a decent bloke would want to do this. It's especially depressing when other women think that.

I've said it a number of times but am repeating it out of sheer shock - people at this wedding will think he is SUCH an arsehole when they say oh wheres OP? And he says oh she had our baby TWO WEEKS ago, she's at home with baby and toddler. He won't mention the surgery, obviously, but hopefully someone will ask and give him extra WTF vibes accordingly.

I'm not sure I could look at him the same after him wanting to do this.

Meant to say:

Would a mum be told she is being reasonable for leaving her male partner with a toddler and newborn baby for four days - after he had major surgery for four days? Would she fuck.

Wow he’s totally unreasonable and I can’t believe the women on here suggesting you should be able to manage. You are horrible horrible women. My second baby was a fast and furious labour and I tore badly. I could barely walk properly for over 2wks and was in a lot of pain. There’s no way I could have been running around after a 3yr old and caring for a newborn in the state I was in. This shouldn’t even be up for discussion.

YANBU
my husband went on a weekend camping trip to see Oasis in concert years ago only 5 days after I gave birth to my 4th child. I had 4 children under 7 years old and he also took my car with him! I didn’t fall out with him because I didn’t want to burst my own baby bubble. I hated him for it and we never really recovered from it! I separated from him only last month after years of building up this secret anger!
This probably isn’t helpful to you right now and you will be surprised at just how well you will manage… I managed fine… but it’s the principle of it all. He came back from the concert and slept for two days because he was so tired!!!

@MrsFirth2006

YANBU my husband went on a weekend camping trip to see Oasis in concert years ago only 5 days after I gave birth to my 4th child. I had 4 children under 7 years old and he also took my car with him! I didn’t fall out with him because I didn’t want to burst my own baby bubble. I hated him for it and we never really recovered from it! I separated from him only last month after years of building up this secret anger! This probably isn’t helpful to you right now and you will be surprised at just how well you will manage… I managed fine… but it’s the principle of it all. He came back from the concert and slept for two days because he was so tired!!!

This is such a good example (though awful for you and I'm so sorry!) because it's not about whether OP will cope or not. It's about the fact he wants to leave her, his toddler and his newborn (after OP has had major surgery) two weeks after the youngest is born. It's the wanting to that is the biggest issue here. It would fundamentally change the way I saw him as a partner and a father.

I can't see you looking after 2 under 3 2 weeks post CS personally.

I had my second CS 7 months ago with my eldest being 4 and wouldn't have coped without hubby and I think I recovered well

@MrsFirth2006

YANBU my husband went on a weekend camping trip to see Oasis in concert years ago only 5 days after I gave birth to my 4th child. I had 4 children under 7 years old and he also took my car with him! I didn’t fall out with him because I didn’t want to burst my own baby bubble. I hated him for it and we never really recovered from it! I separated from him only last month after years of building up this secret anger! This probably isn’t helpful to you right now and you will be surprised at just how well you will manage… I managed fine… but it’s the principle of it all. He came back from the concert and slept for two days because he was so tired!!!

Just... You go girl. I hope OP follows suite - as others have said, it's the wanting to go. Fundamental breach of trust.

@eddiemairswife

Why can't you manage?

Oh just fuck off

YANBU. I don’t know why he’s been entertaining idea of leaving you with a 3 year old, possibly a new born and no support. Tell him to go push a Watermelon out of him then tell him he has to look after your 3 year old and newborn whilst you go on a 4 day bender. You cannot plan what a birth will be like. Even if you have a c-section planned or not, you shouldn’t lift your 3 year old (or your newborn if we’re honest!) If you deliver naturally there’s nothing to say you won’t be incredibly sore / tired / emotional. It’s at this time you need him the most!
If he’s hellbent on going is there a relative you can go and stay with? Please don’t stay on your own!
Actually shocked at some of the replies on here. I think many people forget what’s the newborn stage is like!

He can't go. Simple. It's not just your baby, it's both of yours, he needs to stay and be there. Also however you're having them you're going to need recovery time, 2 weeks is not enough. I don't think the friend will think anything of it, if anything it'll make him look like a saint because the bar for men is so low lol.

Hardbackwriter

Exactly ! Aren’t both parents expecting a baby. It’s we are expecting . Yet the man can go off and party ? Friends of mine were driven to frustration being stuck at home when their partners were off to the pub as usual whilst they were stuck at home . I remember a friend of mine cut her partners clothes up she was that frustrated that he was behaving as if nothing had changed for him. They are both parents to those children and she will be doing and has done the heavy lifting the least he can do is be there to support her and his family !
As some have said the bar is so low if someone went through all that surgery to produce our child I would be a bit more grateful then wanting to go on a overseas lads party/ piss up / wedding ? They have both become a new parent they are both supposed to be having a challenging time but hey let the man go party overseas like he’s uninvolved in being a new parent what kind of advice support for mums is this?

I can’t believe he is even considering it. Leaving you with a newborn and a toddler, what planet is he on. Maybe if you had really supportive parents or other family living right on your doorstep, or he pays for somebody to come in and help. But seriously with anything to do with birth snd babies you must expect the unexpected. Do you breastfeed? A newborn needs feeding every couple of hours. If you go overdue it could be at the time of the wedding. Sorry but he is setting himself up for disappointment, and I think if he left you for that long you would take a very long time to forgive him.

If he really wants to go, he should pay for you to have help for those four days. Hire a doula for the baby or a nanny for the 3 year old. You’ll probably find they will be more help than him 😃!
Good luck with your decision and your new baby ❤️❤️

@Darlingx

Hardbackwriter

Exactly ! Aren’t both parents expecting a baby. It’s we are expecting . Yet the man can go off and party ? Friends of mine were driven to frustration being stuck at home when their partners were off to the pub as usual whilst they were stuck at home . I remember a friend of mine cut her partners clothes up she was that frustrated that he was behaving as if nothing had changed for him. They are both parents to those children and she will be doing and has done the heavy lifting the least he can do is be there to support her and his family !
As some have said the bar is so low if someone went through all that surgery to produce our child I would be a bit more grateful then wanting to go on a overseas lads party/ piss up / wedding ? They have both become a new parent they are both supposed to be having a challenging time but hey let the man go party overseas like he’s uninvolved in being a new parent what kind of advice support for mums is this?

Exactly this!!! It’s the frustration and anger that builds up when the partner does exactly what he likes, when he likes while the woman is expected to “keep calm and carry on!”. It was eventually a deal breaker for me when Ex was on a lads holiday and DC2 was taken into hospital. He refused to change his flight and come home saying I would cope. Yes I coped as I always did, but it was the principle and the glaring realisation I was firmly at the bottom of his pecking order. I told him not to come home, he didn’t.

@TheElectricBoogaloo

It’s the frustration and anger that builds up when the partner does exactly what he likes, when he likes while the woman is expected to “keep calm and carry on!”

I fully relate to this. Resentment then builds with every small thing you realise they do without care or regard for you, taking you completely and utterly for granted.

YANBU I have to say it would be tough being alone for 4 days with a newborn and a toddler. As others have said, a night might just be doable. If your husband is so hell-bent on going to the wedding could he not organise some help for you? eg a nice babysitter/nanny to take the 3-year-old to the park, help get him/her their tea and help with the bedtime routine? If the cash is there to travel for 4 days, presumably the cash can be found to help you?? I have to say I was a bit shell-shocked when my second son was born. It was a straightforward C-section but juggling the demands of a toddler and a newborn took some getting used to. My DP and his mum helped a lot in those first few weeks.

As MrsFirth2006 says upthread.

The fact of him WANTING to go is bad enough, if he does go, the anger and resentment you feel at his selfishness is likely to build and build. You may look back and see this as the beginning of the end either way.