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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2021 20:57

As OP said he is Dad of the year, missing the stag but really wants to go to the wedding.

@LovelyIssues did you miss where the stag was on the date of the planned section? He's missing the stag because the other choice is missing his child being born. Is that actually a choice for some men? 'I'm so great because I've chosen to attend the birth of my child rather than get pissed and fall over'.

The bar is so low Hermes Conrad couldn't limbo under it.

wewereliars · 15/11/2021 20:57

@LovelyIssues

Right I'm off to kick a puppy as apparently that's what you do when you've also been in this situation and wanted to reassure OP she would be OK Confused rather then tell her her child may get meningitis. You're an odd bunch
Because women having C sections are never seriously ill, there are never any unexpected issues with the baby, the toddler never gets taken ill unexpectedly. It's all rainbows.

Because YOU had a C section. You are in no position to reassure anyone that their "D" sodding off to please himself will not cause any issues.

Stupid squared

eastegg · 15/11/2021 21:03

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?
Bit late to this, but I would say a clear no to that. People will fudge it and say they did it, but you really shouldn’t and there’s no way it would happen if a man had had major abdo surgery.
NightfeedsandNetflix · 15/11/2021 21:06

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?
No you won't! Sorry to scare you but if it was anything like my experience it hurt like a bitch. My c section hurt more then my tummy tuck! Granted I'm in a foreign country and maybe the procedure is different.

You also are at risk of infection with c sec?

Also your baby could loose too much weight or be jaundiced etc. If breastfeeding you will be glued to your newborn to help supply and no doubt have a jealous toddler to deal with, (all expected behaviours). Let's not even forget sleep deprivation.

You may not be able to drive? What about if you run out of milk or bread for example

Does your DH think all babies arrive like it's scheduled on your calendar? With no issues? I've had 3 completely different deliveries despite feeling completely fine while pregnant. 1 textbook, no dramas. 1 35 weeks induced due to pre eclampsia. 3rd breach?! There's no guarantees what could crop up?!

Don't be a martyr, why should you?! You will most likely resent him after too.

Do this and it sets a tone that you can be left to cope on a whim. I've been the single mum, did everything struggled where ex was selfish and now with new hubby it's how it should be. Took 2 to tango.

Despite me now being a 3rd time mum, (you would assume I was now full of experience), my DH dropped all his training and hobbies for a while and even a chance to compete in racing back in the U.K. (he would have most likely won), to support me and our new son. I actually wanted him to go and compete, my other two sons are teens and would have helped me. DH would not leave. He said it was unfair to me and also didn't want to waste paternity leave and not see his new son.

A real man puts his responsibilities first, not some half arsed friendship wedding.

You shouldn't have ever been put into this position!!

whynotwhatknot · 15/11/2021 21:06

no of course he shouldnt go he shouldnt even think it

there coupld be complications with the c section you could be in serious pain and no you cant lift your toddler-so basically he shouldnt even contemplate it for someone who he sees in a group and isnt very close to

Troublewithtribbles · 15/11/2021 21:09

**It blows my mind that he would even suggest this. I’m honestly lost for words. I assume that if you said to him that you were going abroad for four nights after he’d had major abdominal surgery, leaving him with a newborn and toddler to care for, he’d think this was fine?

This! Succinct and insightful.

TheElectricBoogaloo · 15/11/2021 21:12

@NightfeedsandNetflix
Do this and it sets a tone that you can be left to cope on a whim. I've been the single mum, did everything struggled where ex was selfish and now with new hubby it's how it should be. Took 2 to tango.

My experience exactly!!! Was told to “just get on with it” by both his family and my own and when I complained was told it was just something “women did”. I spent so long struggling by myself while he suited himself!! My children are grown up now but I still struggle with the fact that I was treated with so little respect.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 15/11/2021 21:12

@hotmeatymilk

I mean why not ask her to plough a fucking field and paint the bathroom while he’s away too? You jest but there’s a comment upthread reassuring her not to worry about tidying or cleaning. Like it’s a treat! “Maybe for the few days you’re alone and barely mobile and unslept with two children, treat yoself and let the toddler have a cheeky Coco Pops breakfast, it won’t hurt just the once. Not all four days though, obviously. Standards.”
Yes just the one day After that back to TOM, meals cooked from scratch and fulfilling quality time with child one whilst newborn and c section recovery fits neatly around all of the above.

I wasn’t really joking about the field and the bathroom. They are metaphors for the vast array of other stuff that needs to be done whilst he’s globetrotting and swigging Champagne that are probably tasks akin to that level of brutality for a woman who’s recovering from abdominal surgery. Ie bathing children, tidying, lifting, up and down stairs, carrying , washing, etc etc

It’s actually totally disgusting and I would destroy his passport

SugarlumpsesBumpses · 15/11/2021 21:13

He hasn't given this a moment of thought at all!

What if you go over?
What if he misses the birth of his 2nd child for a not particularly close friends wedding?
What if you have a c section and need help?
What if something bad happens (god forbid) and the kids need their other parent!!!

Sack that. He needs to be with you and he should be the one managing eldest DC while you focus on the newborn! Very selfish and thoughtless...

BlusteringBoobies · 15/11/2021 21:14

Once again...

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?
SugarlumpsesBumpses · 15/11/2021 21:15

Just seen it's a c section! You'll need time to recover, and even then, why should you be left with a newborn and pre school age on your own while recovering from major surgery x

NightfeedsandNetflix · 15/11/2021 21:18

[quote TheElectricBoogaloo]@youvegottenminuteslynn but surely she should also pack his case, make sure he’s got his passport and tickets and has snacks for the journey??? She’ll have already organised the cab to the airport…naturally. Grin[/quote]
Don't forget nipped out and bought him an amazing wedding gift to present to the happy kind of friends couple.

Graphista · 15/11/2021 21:19

No you've no idea what the situation will be. You may still be pregnant, recovering from cs or any number of other complications - I mean hopefully not but I think it's too risky he needs to decline the invite

TheElectricBoogaloo · 15/11/2021 21:21

She’ll have already done that at 8 months pregnant while trailing a fractious toddler round a shopping centre…

viques · 15/11/2021 21:23

hard to know what this one will be like

I can hazard a guess that your two week old c section scar will be in no condition to pick up a three year old who will probably be feeling a bit clingy because there is a new baby in the house and daddy has gone away on an aeroplane. with his not very good friend.

Shell4429 · 15/11/2021 21:24

My last baby was induced 15 days late so what would happen if this were to occur? I don’t think yabu at all, even if the guy was his best mate he shouldn’t be making arrangements like this so close to the birth. Problem is that he wants to go so in his head he’s not being unreasonable. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come. Communication is vital here.

NightfeedsandNetflix · 15/11/2021 21:26

Can not believe the C section recovering expectations going on here?

Have all of you people that talk like it's always a guaranteed breeze ever had one with complications before?!?!?!?

I was told it's a common procedure, I was told the surgeons are experts at them and healing is quick etc. So how come I can be cut hip to hip skin stretched and stitched having to walk doubled over but managed fine and was walking upright in a week. Yet my C section a fraction of the size of a full Tummy tuck and was painful as fuck!

NightfeedsandNetflix · 15/11/2021 21:30

Also I would just like to point out my TT was for vanity to remove some skin from previous pregnancy, In other words I don't have weight issues that would have hindered my mobility or recovery after C sec.

TheElectricBoogaloo · 15/11/2021 21:31

@NightfeedsandNetflix I’m guessing after your tummy tuck you weren’t handed a helpless newborn and told, “look I know you’ve just had major surgery but you need to look after this 24 hours a day”.

BestZebbie · 15/11/2021 21:33

You won't be able to drive - 4 days away us going to start involving things like running out if milk and having to try to walk a pram and your toddler to the shops too....great if you fancy a little exercise, hell if you haven't slept in two days, have an abdominal injury, will need to feed again in thirty minutes and the three year old doesn't want to go out in the cold....

Fairylights25 · 15/11/2021 21:33

Not. A. Chance would I agree to that, amazed he even asked you

NightfeedsandNetflix · 15/11/2021 21:36

[quote TheElectricBoogaloo]@NightfeedsandNetflix
Do this and it sets a tone that you can be left to cope on a whim. I've been the single mum, did everything struggled where ex was selfish and now with new hubby it's how it should be. Took 2 to tango.

My experience exactly!!! Was told to “just get on with it” by both his family and my own and when I complained was told it was just something “women did”. I spent so long struggling by myself while he suited himself!! My children are grown up now but I still struggle with the fact that I was treated with so little respect.[/quote]
Yep!! Sorry to hear about your situation. Even now I struggle to accept support like someone is gifting me something or I'm not entitled or it's normal to have the responsibilities shared fairly.

Kbr22 · 15/11/2021 21:42

No! You shouldn't have to manage, and your husband shouldn't be leaving you for more than one night

GrandmasterGlitchsMoustache · 15/11/2021 21:46

So I have some comparable experience here that might help. Had a planned C Section and a 2.5 year old toddler (poor sleeper& fussy eater). When the baby was 3 weeks we stayed at my mum's for Xmas then DH went back home to work for the 3 days in between Xmas and New Year while I stayed away.

It was just about bearable but only because:

  1. I had a lot of help during the day with the toddler & didn't have to worry about food or laundry etc. I'd get one or two breaks during the day to nap.
  2. Baby was jaundiced and actually pretty calm & quiet. I could pop him in a corner and play with the toddler.
  3. We'd agreed on it together and I was happy for him to save the holiday time while I was with my family.
  4. Husband wasn't doing anything fun and was getting lots of rest so he could take over when he got back. Not on an exhausting wedding trip.

Unless you get family down to help or he pays for a night nanny/day nanny/mat nurse then you will find it hard. Of course it's not impossible but it'll be stressful for weeks beforehand and tough going a try the time. That would be ok in an emergency but this sounds very much like something he can and should skip. Newborns are tiny and fragile even after a planned CSection and your hormones will be all over the place. I also think you're much more likely to remember this rather than him remembering you making him skip one wedding.

If 3 year old is at nursery each/most days DH is away (assume it's over a weekend though), if 3 year old is a good sleeper & eater and bedtimes are fine and you're ok on broken sleep then that makes it much more tolerable.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 15/11/2021 21:48

@LovelyIssues

Right I'm off to kick a puppy as apparently that's what you do when you've also been in this situation and wanted to reassure OP she would be OK Confused rather then tell her her child may get meningitis. You're an odd bunch
My family member was close to death a week or so after her CS due to complications. Advising someone they will be fine when you don't have a crystal ball seems reckless and dumb.