Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

[Frederica852]

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

Hang on, he wants to leave you alone with a newborn and a toddler 2 weeks after you've had major abdominal surgery? Urm nope. You are absolutely not being ott for saying no to this. He is bonkers and very inconsiderate for even asking imo.

And yes actually what @SmellyOldOwls said

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He also doesnt seem to be even thinking about his existing child. They will be adjusting to a new baby in the house, and have a mother who is recovering from major abdominal surgery on 3 hours of broken sleep a night.

Fun fun fucking fun.

What a dick he is.

Totally agree, he seems to have totally forgotten how much his existing child will need him around while they adapt to having a sibling and having to share their mum. Jesus. Is he always this selfish?!

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

If the birth went traumatically, then I would expect my DH to cancel and stay. But to say up front don’t go because what if this and what if that seems very pessimistic.

@Frederica852

Not sure I'll be able to lift the 3 year old 2 weeks post section, or will I?

Of course you won't be able to lift a 3 year old. It will be hard enough to lift yourself. What is he thinking leaving you alone.

Tell him.

No YANBU. A phrase l use with partners is if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander. Would your husband be happy for you to go away for 4 nights, after he’s had major surgery and leaving 2 children in his care. Whilst you were eating, drinking and generally living it up. Would he fuck!

My fiancé suggested we moved house on the Thursday and he go on a lads weekend abroad Friday to Sunday. I shot that down. Do l look like a house moving service or a mug?! No, l do not for clarity

OP knows she's having a c-section. So it's not a "what if". She won't be able to look after a 3yo solo for 5 days after a c-section, even if all goes smoothly. It'll be hard enough for her to look after the newborn.

Cross post, I was replying to Planderaccordement.

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021 exactly, lm sure OP could cope if a single parent or her husbands mother was very sick at the other end of the country. But why should she have to?

I'm a coper. I'm a serious organiser and can PMA myself through a lot.

But this, absolutely no way could I manage. I've never had a c section. In fact my births were the kind people write about wanting on their birth plans and yet they broke me. The thought of being left along for relentless days so soon after giving birth gives me shivers. The pain, the leaking, the after pains, the breastfeeding challenges, the utter hell of sleep deprivation...

With dc2, dc1 went a bit haywire too. Funny dreams and difficult bedtimes, picky eating and clinginess etc.

No. Just absolutely, no.

@Bancha

It blows my mind that he would even suggest this. I’m honestly lost for words. I assume that if you said to him that you were going abroad for four nights after he’d had major abdominal surgery, leaving him with a newborn and toddler to care for, he’d think this was fine?

So much this

@Thatsplentyjack

Tell him if he goes he doesn't fucking come back! What the fuck is it with men who thing they can jist up and leave whenever they feel like it to go on a jolly? The baby might not even be 2 weeks old by then, you might be kept in the hospital (obviously hopefully not) after the birth and only be home for a week before the wedding. Why would he even want to go? Is it really more important than his wife trying to deal with a brand new born baby and a 3 year old alone?! I think j might be more angry about this than you OP.

This is what I’d be saying. I could maybe understand if it was his sibling getting married but he’s absolutely taking the fucking piss!

YABU chances are you’ll be absolutely fine and won’t have any complications.

If worst comes to worst and you are in hospital or anything then he’ll have to cancel last minute but that could be the case any time, you can’t plan being ill.

Use it as an excuse to have a couple nights away on your own/friends in a couple months time.

Oh God I missed the fact that you are having a C-section. In that case no he definitely can’t go and that’s that!

He should stay home with you in both cases as your baby will be so young and I don't see why you should have to struggle and 'manage' when you should be parenting together

I agree he's taking the piss. Definitely make it clear you're not happy. No way would he be fine with this if the boot was on the other foot.

H went away for a weekend leaving me seriously ill when DS was 9. I have never forgiven him for that. Tell him it's not happening.

I’ve recently had a planned C section and despite a pretty smooth recovery, there is no way I could have lifted my toddler safely two weeks after the birth, let alone any of the other shit that goes along with keeping a newborn and toddler safe and happy singlehanded for five solid days. This is a terrible, terrible idea OP, burn it with fire.

And best of luck with the birth.

I think he's disappointed to be missing the stag do so hoping to make it to the wedding

So if you did have to take baby back to hospital for feeding issues/weight loss etc you wouldn’t even have anyone to have your 3 year old either.

Why can't he manage to put his wife snd newborn first? What a man child.

@Frederica852

I think he's disappointed to be missing the stag do so hoping to make it to the wedding

He needs to grow up and be a parent

He should have realised all by himself, without you needing to say it, that this was absolutely no go.

Those posters who say, would you leave him alone to look after a newborn and a 3 year old a few days / weeks after major abdominal surgery have it spot on. Also, again you could still be in hospital. What’s he planning for your 3 yo to do in that case?

No way. I am no drama queen, and pretty independent. But 2 weeks after birth one of my kids was in intensive care, one other got taken back into hospital with jaundice and with both I had a csection- so wasn’t able to drive with both and once the scar opened back up and became infected meaning I was told not to lift anything heavier than a cup of tea and was on strong painkillers and antibiotics. There was no way I could have managed a 3yr old on my own. If you had 24 hr support from a relative who you and the 3 yr old are happy to have around then this might just be possible but I think it is taking the piss TBH and completely unsupportive. Plus on the day I would be willing to bet that the friend will barely notice whether he is there.

This has given me the rage, he doesn't even know how you will be at that point, seems so utterly selfish to be considering going abroad.

Of course OP doesn’t have to, Ive not said that. All I’m saying is it is entirely possible for a woman to cope with a newborn and a 3yr old for 5 days on her own. I’d have no problem with it myself.

That's great, good for you. Can you understand that some women may find it very much harder than you did and need their partner around?