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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not wanting to be left alone with 2week old?

797 replies

Frederica852 · 13/11/2021 22:24

Our baby is due around the time of DH friend's stag do and wedding (stag do looks to be on or around the due date and the wedding 2-3 weeks later). Both are taking place abroad and will necessitate a 4 night stay (in different locations but each a 4-5 hour flight away).
DH is not particularly close to this friend, they're both part of the same wider group.

DH is saying he'll miss the stag do but really wants to go to the wedding so this will mean me staying at home with a 2 week old and a 3 year old. I have no family nearby and no help. I'm kind of shocked he wants to go and don't know how to say I'm terrified of being left alone so early on but don't know if I'm just being OTT

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 13/11/2021 23:35

I am erring on YANBU but by 2 weeks he is likely to be back at work so you would somehow have to have a plan for the daytime and a 3 year old would be in bed within an hour or two of him being home so not sure it will make that much difference. I assume the wedding does not last 4 days so why not compromise and suggest he flies out night before and comes back day after so only gone 2 evenings

Hardbackwriter · 13/11/2021 23:36

I find the few posters who can't understand why OP would mind this so sad - you'd have to have a properly shit husband to not see why you'd want him around two weeks after giving birth.

toomuchlaundry · 13/11/2021 23:36

Some people choose real low bars for their partners if they think this is okay behaviour.

I bet there aren't many men who would be ok looking after a 2 week old and 3yo after abdominal surgery whilst their partner swans off abroad for a 4 day jolly.

Viviennemary · 13/11/2021 23:37

It isn't ideal but you should be able to manage on your own for 4 days.

User310 · 13/11/2021 23:37

I was over due with both of mine. I’d be far happier with him going to the stag but definitely not the wedding as very likely your baby will be only days to a week old.

sbhydrogen · 13/11/2021 23:37

My thoughts exactly. Especially as OP knows she's having a section!

Dad of the Year or not - that's absolutely nuts. If he absolutely must go (despite him not being that close to the groom), then can he not fly the day before the wedding and fly back the morning after? Why does it necessitate 4 nights?

Managing two is hard work.

Muchuseaschocolateteapot · 13/11/2021 23:39

Men are weird! What would he think if you said you were going instead of him? Jesus 🙄

4thtimethecharm · 13/11/2021 23:39

You have just lost out on a small year of 'partying', while you responsibly carry the child belonging to both of you. Your DH can cope with missing out on two occasions of a not very dear friend.

Etinoxaurus · 13/11/2021 23:43

Ridiculous. And I happily waved DH off to his cousin’s wedding for 2 nights when dd2 was 10 days old. However he only confirmed late and family stayed to help me. She was early and it was around her due date- as it was we both had to go back to hospital the following week. So much can go wrong, he’d be a fool to plan to go.

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2021 23:44

@nc198567

You'll be fine Confused What are you worried about exactly?

I had 2 under 2 and regularly left alone. DH was away for a week in India on business a few weeks after i gave birth to DC2. Couldn't have cared less!

Why is your experience the OP's experience?

Did you have a c-section, Superwoman?

Cheekytea · 13/11/2021 23:44

As you got
So much notice why can't you arrange for family to come help ? Surely either Nan would wanna meet their new grand baby for few days

Summerfun54321 · 13/11/2021 23:45

It’ll be hard enough with him there. You’ll have had major surgery and your 3 year old’s world will be turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby and who knows how she’ll react. She might be fine but toilet regression and difficult behaviour do happen. You really need him there as a bare minimum. Even having someone extra on hand to help look after your eldest while your DH looks after you and baby would be better.

WonderfulYou · 13/11/2021 23:45

She's having a bloody c-section and she has a toddler!!

And he is a father with a toddler, a newborn and a post-operative wife.

He needs to act like it

A tit-for-tat night away is not the answer

Surely he’ll be back at work by then, so how will she manage if she can’t do one day by herself?

katmarie · 13/11/2021 23:47

2 weeks after ds was born I developed mastitis and genuinely thought I was going to die of sepsis, I had all the symptoms. I couldn't get out of bed for 2 days until the antibiotics kicked in. If I'd had a 3 year old to care for on my own, or was recovering from a c section as well, I shudder to think what might have happened.

The answer is no, of course he can't go. What's alarming is that he's even asking, and not just giving his perfectly reasonable apologies to the bride and groom. Seriously, if we were getting married, would any of us expect the dp of a woman who was 2 weeks post c section to come to the wedding we were holding abroad? If any of my male friends suggested ditching their partners like that I would be significantly reconsidering the friendship. The only place he should be is at home with his partner and children.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 13/11/2021 23:48

I would also be quite shocked if my DH told me he wanted to go abroad for a few nights when I would be a few days post C section and looking after a newborn and a toddler.

He should understand that he needs to be home to look after you, but also, surely he wouldn't want to be away from his brand new baby for so long?

It's all a bit sad and I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you do.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 13/11/2021 23:49

@nc198567

You'll be fine Confused What are you worried about exactly?

I had 2 under 2 and regularly left alone. DH was away for a week in India on business a few weeks after i gave birth to DC2. Couldn't have cared less!

There's a huge difference there. In your case your husband was literally providing for the family and more likely than not, had no say in the matter.

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

tricky29 · 13/11/2021 23:49

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all!! I think he is for thinking of spending 4 days away when you have a toddler and a newborn while recovering from a c-section.

No-one likes to miss out on things but sometimes you have to be say ‘this isn’t going to work for me right now.’ That’s what he should be saying when declining the invite to the wedding.

He is waiting for you to say that he can go so he doesn’t feel bad about going. You should just say ‘no, it’s not fair for you to piss off for 4 days and leave me to deal with all of this’. I bet you wouldn’t leave him for 4 days with a newborn and a toddler.

I’m all up for people having time to do what they want but it has to be fair/reasonable.
I don’t think it’s fair for you to be left alone while recovering from major abdominal surgery and juggling a newborn and a toddler.

NoMoreTractors · 13/11/2021 23:50

I didn't have a section but I know sometimes you can't drive after? My DS needed driving to nursery so I couldn't have managed. Let alone the lack of sleep, my eldest didn't sleep either so I couldn't have coped alone.

Fluffmum · 13/11/2021 23:51

Tell him he can go but he needs to arrange some type of help for you.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 13/11/2021 23:52

Of course op could manage if her dh had to go away for business or had parent that was taken suddenly unwell. But this is not the case. It’s a 4 day wedding trip of a not very close friend. She could manage but she shouldn’t have too. Not all births are equal and she might be able to but equally it might be more that she should manage.

With a 3 year old as well who is also likely to need more fuss and attention because suddenly mummy has got her hands full of a baby lots of the time.

Op ask dh if he thinks it’s a good idea for him to go after you have major abdominal surgery and leave you to manage when you’re not supposed to lift anything more heavy than the newborn whilst you recover. It’s just ridiculous that he is even considering it in my mind.

Comedycook · 13/11/2021 23:53

I'm really easy going about my dh going out and socialising but this is absolutely outrageous...I'd be fuming. It's an absolute pisstake as they're not even particularly good friends. He just wants a jolly up.

WonderfulYou · 13/11/2021 23:54

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

I believe the 4 days was if he went to the stag do and the wedding as they are in different countries but he’ll only be going to the wedding now so it won’t need to be 4 days.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 13/11/2021 23:55

With a 3 year old as well who is also likely to need more fuss and attention because suddenly mummy has got her hands full of a baby lots of the time

Excellent point. This sounds like an actual nightmare.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 13/11/2021 23:57

@WonderfulYou

In this case we have a twatface wanting a break from family life for 4 days.

I believe the 4 days was if he went to the stag do and the wedding as they are in different countries but he’ll only be going to the wedding now so it won’t need to be 4 days.

Oh well that's fair then. Or you know, absofuckinglutely still unacceptable.

Thank my lucky stars for my husband every day since joining this forum. He looked fucking horrified when I read out the OP to him.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 13/11/2021 23:57

Fuck that. What on earth possessed him to even think about this three weeks post C section? This is insane. You shouldn’t have to even think about coping alone.

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