To ask how I make her feel more secure

[Partnersworries]

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

If you've bought together then surely the only sensible way of bridging this is to get married?

Agree. If you are committed enough to buy a house together, and you want to be together. Get married

I think 2 years after meeting is early today be getting married.

Why is she worried? Loads of couples earn different amounts - it is what it is. Are tight sure you’re not behaving in a way to make her feel insecure? Any plans to propose? Maybe this is what she means by ‘insecure’ - she’s wondering what you plans are about marriage / kids etc?

Also sorry, but the way you list what you pay for and what you earn compared to her... I don’t know, it just sounds a bit pernickety. I find people should are very pernickety about who pays this and who pays that are often stingy.

If you actually care and are planning a future then get married, pool your money properly and it’s sorted.

A high earner like your say you are should have enough nous to know the answer to such a simple question.

It’s a good question, and we may well get married in the future, if we do (and I hope we do assuming things stay good) then I would expect to pool all of our finances together including removing the ringfenced deposit and giving her equal access to my savings, plus my ‘first flat’ which I own by myself etc.

It does feel quite early to be considering marriage with 22 months together in total. I love her and we bought the house because it seemed silly not to! She was renting a studio flat (which she wasn’t particularly happy in) so thought it made sense to buy and live together rather than spend on rent.

@1u1a perhaps I am being too fussy about who pays for what! Would you suggest we just pool wages now (genuine q) I’m open to this.

I don’t want to rush into marriage until we are both 100% sure of forever.

I'm not sure I fully understand. She feels insecure as in she is worried, because she can't save/invest as much as you? That she has less in the way of assets, savings, etc.?

I don't understand how being with you makes her financially dependent on you. Is she somehow worse-off being with you than she would be living alone?

Have you asked her what she needs to feel more secure? It doesn't make sense to me.

Well as long as she keeps the career and is entitled to half capital growth on the property then I'm not really sure how much more secure she can be without you giving her money, which isn't exactly independence?

If she has nothing after 1/4 of bills and living then either the living costs are too high for her and you both need to adjust that or she's living above her means with her disposable income. I wouldn't really expect a subsidy before marriage/pooling finances.

My husband and I pooled finances early on but we were very sure of forever very early. At the time I earned double what he did, now he is a six figure earner and me nowhere near. It's been nice always having the same quality of life and not keeping score but I wouldn't be getting a joint account etc with someone before feeling that surety.

Hmmmm I'd also say get married (sorry). I don't think it's too soon. You own a house together.

I wouldn't buy a house with a partner I wasn't married to tbh. Too messy.

Fair enough OP and obviously I wouldn’t recommend rushing into marriage if you don’t feel ready.

I don’t know your partner so could be totally wrong in what I’m saying but ... when she says she’s feeling ‘insecure,’ could it be that she’s really trying to communicate she’s a bit pissed off about paying half the mortgage? She must have a lot less disposable income than you, day to day?

I know you’re not married, but having bought a house together, you are basically living as if you are. So maybe she’s feeling the ‘mismatch’ (if you could call it that) in terms of appearances and reality?

my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50

You should not be paying 50/50 for the mortgage.

You should be paying 2/3 of the mortgage, and she should pay 1/3 of the mortgage.

I think it's a tricky one. On the one hand, I would struggle if I were in a relationship with someone who had way more spending money than me as I would always feel like the poor relation and almost as if we would be two people in the same home living different lifestyles. But on the other hand, I wouldn't want to subsidise a relatively new partner either.

Suggest you realign the bills/mortgage to your incomes by pro rating it (you pay 3/4, she pays 1/4). However tbh I suspect that she wont want to, she will want to pay her half of mortgage at least so she can prove her right to the house as an asset in the event of a split.

Tbh this issue will probably only go away if/when you get married. Is it possible she is angling for that

Are you giving her your old Ipad for Christmas??

Ukholidays lol I saw that one too

She's looking for reassurance from you that you don't mind the disparity. Just assure her you only expect her to contribute what she can afford and you'll happily cover the rest. If that's how you feel, of course.

@DeepaBeesKit I agree and have offered to pay 3/4 of the mortgage previously but she is keen to pay 50% of this.

I think she needs to explain in more detail.

She isn't financially dependent on you.

Does she mean if you split she wouldn't be able to keep the house?

Dp and myself earn similar amounts with me as the higher earner. J wouldn't see it as my responsibility to make him feel more comfortable with me earning alot more.

I think she isn't saying what she means.

If she isn't happy paying half of the mortgage then any equity should be split as the payments are. I don't believe she should be able to pay, say, 30% of the mortgage but entitled to 50% equity after your deposit.

If its, that she is worried about splitting and not being able to afford the house, then there's not much you can do. Even if you were married and had kids she would be unlikely be able to stay in the house if yiu split.

If this is her hint at marriage, I would be taking sometime to think about it. Because ot appears finances are driving that. I don't like people who hint and I am very cynical.

I think you need to have a further converstatiom and ask her what would make her feel secure. Then, you take time to think about what her solution is.

@MakeAWhish thank you for your advice. Perhaps it is just that I need to make that crystal clear. I am genuinely happy to pay for the bulk of bills, I would be if I was living alone anyway!

@toolazytothinkofausername

my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50

You should not be paying 50/50 for the mortgage.

You should be paying 2/3 of the mortgage, and she should pay 1/3 of the mortgage.

Not if she wants 50% of equity after the ring fenced deposit, imo.

The mortgage payments are already lowered by the ops big deposit. So she is benefitting from Ops deposit

I think you should pool your money now, both salaries pool together and all payments for everything come out of the same pot, so it's not you paying or her paying, it's you as a couple paying, and then start some joint savings.
If you go on to get married then that's the time to share your other assets (larger deposit, flat, savings, etc).

I’ve seen so many threads on here where the OP had been told do not pool your resources before you are married, don’t give him access you cash, he’s a cocklodger. Why is this any different!

No way would I expect free reign access to someone’s salary after only 2 years

Paying only a quarter of bills and half a mortgage doesn’t sound bad

Maybe a joint account for big nights out not just holidays so it doesn’t feel to he like you are always picking up the tab?

If you earn 90k and she earns 30k, why can't you both contribute a % of your salary to the joint pot where bills, mortgage, holidays together etc can come out of?

She makes around 1900 a month I assume so you might be making 5700? If you each put in 30% that's 600 from her and 1800 from you - she has enough left over to save but you also have plenty left over.

My partner and I own a property together but we're not married, and from moving in together that's how we've done finances. It means we have our own money but also a joint account where we pool money together for living costs.