To ask how I make her feel more secure

[Partnersworries]

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

Given that she’s seen a FA she can’t be clueless.
I think you need to sit down with her and work out what she sees as financial independence. What’s her ideal budget? How much does she want to have left after a month?

Given that you pay for date nights her £950 is quite a lot as it’s only for personal spends but even this can differ. Does she see you buy whatever you want and it rankles because she can’t? You must have a Frank talk, get her to list concrete examples of why she feels that way. For example you value food and so spend a lot on that. Does she value the same things? It’s you who gets to decide that the fancy thing in the house is ‘good’. Because you’re the higher earner. Maybe she would prefer for example fine whiskeys? (Clutching at straws here)

If however she thinks that she should have more expensive stuff because you can afford it , or buy stuff without budgeting then she’s clearly taking you for a ride.

People’s relationships towards money are based on complex emotional factors. On first glance she seems like taking you for a ride and wants to secure your assets but as it’s so complex I’m hesitant to just say that it’s her game. I know quite a few couples like this where both partners have the same tastes, interests and it works out quite well.

However for others the higher earning half has more to spend on what they value - the lower earner doesn’t really care about the same thing and just wants the money to spend on something else, envies higher earner for being able to buy what they want? In that case you have to decide do you want to subsidise her? I’d say it’s too early at this stage

@Embroidery

I would bet all your money that aquamarine and esp dillydilly are men. Dillydilly hates women. His sheer contempt drips from the page.

Totally wrong @embroidery.

I

*is food, not good sorry

@Embroidery

I would bet all your money that aquamarine and esp dillydilly are men. Dillydilly hates women. His sheer contempt drips from the page.

I'm a woman and I've been on MN for years. Nice try.

OP you could go to Relate to talk this over? Money is a common issue that splits couples up. You have to be able to talk about this including the complex feelings that may be behind all of this.

If she cannot maturely communicate to OP what her financial concerns are and what would alleviate them, she isn't mature enough to pool finances with IMO.

I would never pool finances with someone I couldn't talk about money with. Yes money chats can be awkward I guess but they are necessary if you have concerns / preferences / expectations when it comes to finances and being in a couple.

It's pretty basic adulting.

On a £30k salary, £950 disposable a month after all bills isn't bad is it?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn it isnt about the money. It will be about financial power in the relationship. Maybe questions about whether this is a serious relationship.

Why is it your responsibility to make her feel more financially secure? Why isn't she doing that for herself? That's what you should really be pondering. You pay 75% of the bills, you pay for holidays, she's your beneficiary without being your spouse, what more does she expect at this point in time? She's being totally unreasonable.

@Aquamarine1029 The OP loves her. Dont you think this is something to work out between them, rather than just say - its fuck all to do with me?
I mean maybe I am old fashioned, but if my DP is upset about something I try and support him and if I can help to sort it.

Only one person getting 'fleeced' here and it's not op.

Not married, no kids and pays only 350 a month into an asset rather than rent a studio apartment.
Earns 30k a year. Puts 22% into a pension and pays limited bills and gets free holidays, dates paid for and is named in their boyfriends will etc.

Erm... ok.

Give me a call op when this ends lol. Sounds a great deal.

@Aquamarine1029

Why is it your responsibility to make her feel more financially secure? Why isn't she doing that for herself? That's what you should really be pondering. You pay 75% of the bills, you pay for holidays, she's your beneficiary without being your spouse, what more does she expect at this point in time? She's being totally unreasonable.

Yeah she's taking the actual piss in my opinion

God I wonder if some of you actually have a successful relationship?

[quote julieca]@youvegottenminuteslynn it isnt about the money. It will be about financial power in the relationship. Maybe questions about whether this is a serious relationship.[/quote]
Totally - but if she can't discuss that openly with him then either their relationship specifically isn't ready for shared finances or she isn't ready for a relationship so serious it involves joint finances.

@julieca

God I wonder if some of you actually have a successful relationship?

Sure do, thanks. Married very happily for 25 years.

@julieca

God I wonder if some of you actually have a successful relationship?

Yes, because I can communicate maturely and be open and honest with partners. This is a communication issue IMO.

OP doesn't know what the issue is. Either she's telling him and he isn't getting it, or she isn't able to communicate her needs in an adult way.

@youvegottenminuteslynn which is why I suggested Relate. Its not unusual for couples to need a bit of help to learn to communicate better.
And why are you assuming the issue is hers. Far more likely to be a bit of both.

OP you love her. Ignore those giving advice that would just trash your relationship. If you really cant talk to each other about money, get help to talk as a couple about this.

[quote julieca]@youvegottenminuteslynn which is why I suggested Relate. Its not unusual for couples to need a bit of help to learn to communicate better.
And why are you assuming the issue is hers. Far more likely to be a bit of both.[/quote]
I'm not assuming that, as I quite clearly stated:

OP doesn't know what the issue is. Either she's telling him and he isn't getting it, or she isn't able to communicate her needs in an adult way.

You're saying what everyone else is - that they need to have a Frank discussion about finances. You just seem to also be projecting onto people's reactions that they are painting her as a gold digger etc.

You seem angry about people saying she seems (on the info we have, which is all we have to go on) to have a good disposable income, much lower than market rate mortgage per month and ability to save money / pay into a pension. OP pays for meals out and holidays etc.

Two years into a relationship it is unusual to expect a partner to subsidise your lifestyle more than that IMO, whether you're a man or a woman.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I am not at all angry. Strange thing to assume.
I am saying that it will be about more than the money. Those saying she has enough money are missing the point. Living in a relationship with someone who has a lot more money, gives them more power. And that is a problem in a relationship.
I am in my fifties and it was fairly normal to share finances by the time you bought a house when I was young. My DP and I did. Buying a house together is a substantial commitment.

I see so many financial red flags here OP.
She has £950 left after paying her share of mortgage and bills and she's concerned. Lord, I'd be over the moon if I had close to that a month for savings & fun.
And the fact that she's your main beneficiary, above family, and you've only been together for 2 years with no marriage on the horizon. She's quids in! Obviously you do what feels right for you but be careful

Why don't you pay all the bills? That way she can pay half the mortgage and keep that interest in the house but can save from the remaining money.

I wouldn't get married until I saw exactly how she was with money. If she was spending regularly just on herself then I wouldn't consider marrying her. If she was saving hard with that spare money then that would be different.

[quote julieca]@youvegottenminuteslynn I am not at all angry. Strange thing to assume.
I am saying that it will be about more than the money. Those saying she has enough money are missing the point. Living in a relationship with someone who has a lot more money, gives them more power. And that is a problem in a relationship.
I am in my fifties and it was fairly normal to share finances by the time you bought a house when I was young. My DP and I did. Buying a house together is a substantial commitment.[/quote]
So she needs to communicate her concerns about a power imbalance and what she feels would reduce the imbalance / alleviate her concerns about it. We can only go on what Op says and as I stated, either his girlfriend has either communicated her concerns and he hasn't understood them, or she hasn't been clear at all and therefore I would be worried she isn't mature enough or sure about the relationship enough to have a frank, serious, honest conversation about money with him. And if that was the case, I wouldn't pool finances with her.

@Figgyboa financial red flags??
She is concerned about a feeling of security.
And there is zero issue with having someone as a beneficiary over family. There are many issues that come into play in deciding that.

Living in a relationship with someone who has a lot more money, gives them more power. And that is a problem in a relationship.

Only if the wealthier person is financially abusive. There is no hint of that here, far from it.

[quote julieca]@Figgyboa financial red flags??
She is concerned about a feeling of security.
And there is zero issue with having someone as a beneficiary over family. There are many issues that come into play in deciding that.[/quote]
Nowadays it is very unusual to add someone as a beneficiary less than two years into a relationship and pre marriage. I'm 34 and understand that may not have been the case when you say you and your peers entered relationships but it's very unusual now to do that so early, pre marriage and kids.