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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I make her feel more secure

233 replies

Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 19:50

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 13/11/2021 23:06

She’s happy to pay 50% of the mortgage as it’s a tangible asset.

You’d want to be very careful here, next there will be pressure to get married so she’ll have a bigger claim on your financiers. Warning alarms are sounding, be very careful.

Nyxly · 13/11/2021 23:07

@Embroidery

Thank you. And re your point....unless of course shes paying 50% of a mortgage beyond her means, while simultaniously trying to live up to a 90k (+ property) lifestyle which is also beyond her means. Independent woman and all that. He doesn't want to support her and she doesn't want to be supported. He doesnt even know what living paycheck to paycheck means!

It's amazing she's not descending into debt. She might well be. I would be in this scenario.

Why are you just making things up?

£350 isn't beyond her means and if she thought it was she could have just not bought with the op.

And who says she is spending money trying to keep up? Again, she could say 'no'.

Why does it matter if the op doesn't know what it's like living pay check to pay check?

The girlfriend has fairly small bills. If she is living paycheck to paycheck, that's likely because she isn't managing her money.

Which would be another reason to not join finances.

Embroidery · 13/11/2021 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 23:13

To people suggesting she pays less - she pays £350 + 1/4 of shared bills!! I paid about that to my mum when I was on £15k just after leaving uni.

It's already a very manageable and below market rate mortgage contribution and bills contribution for someone on a £30k salary!

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:18

@Embroidery I’m sorry you feel so angry about this

I was genuinely trying to get other people’s opinion on how I could make my partner feel more secure.

OP posts:
Hobnobsandbroomstick · 13/11/2021 23:19

Surely she can save some of her salary? Her outgoings can't be very much if her share of the mortgage is £350 and you pay 3/4 of the bills. My salary isn't much more, my outgoings are greater and I still manage to save a fair bit each month.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:20

OP kindly ignore @Embroidery they have a bone to pick. literally the only poster saying that you’re being unfair which is rare on MN 😂😂

and you never said you were a man which they keep assuming unless I’m missing something

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:21

Also OP how much does she pay - if you pay 3/4 surely you know how much the remains quarter is

DillyDilly · 13/11/2021 23:21

@embroidery

I wouldn’t think much of anyone, man or woman, who after being in a relationship for 22 months, no children involved putting pressure on their partner for a share of their salary.

This person earns 30K, pays 350 mortgage and a few bills (the OP said he pays for 75% of bills, holidays, etc). She still has plenty left to spend and also to save.

If anyone I knew, man or woman, who after being in a relationship for 22 months told me they were considering pooling their much larger salary with their partner because their partner was unhappy, I’d be advising them to be very careful.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:22

To those asking for specific circumstances, my partner has said to me she has circa £950 per month left for savings and fun money.

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 13/11/2021 23:23

[quote Partnersworries]@Embroidery I’m sorry you feel so angry about this

I was genuinely trying to get other people’s opinion on how I could make my partner feel more secure.[/quote]
She won’t feel secure until she has equal access to all your income - salary, income from investments, rental income, savings. etc.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:23

[quote DillyDilly]@embroidery

I wouldn’t think much of anyone, man or woman, who after being in a relationship for 22 months, no children involved putting pressure on their partner for a share of their salary.

This person earns 30K, pays 350 mortgage and a few bills (the OP said he pays for 75% of bills, holidays, etc). She still has plenty left to spend and also to save.

If anyone I knew, man or woman, who after being in a relationship for 22 months told me they were considering pooling their much larger salary with their partner because their partner was unhappy, I’d be advising them to be very careful.[/quote]
This is true.
Give an inch, take a mile.
But even so OP seems to have been overly generous and rushing into things which I find strange.
Maybe OP really is a pushover, being taken for a mug and the partner’s making a play for their money by hinting at marriage.
Or OP has been rushing things, trying to be fair but it’s still rushed and partner feels uncomfortable. Which is a deeper issue

julieca · 13/11/2021 23:24

Before I married my DP, I lived with a man who earned much more than me. It meant that unless we were doing cheaper things, he had to pay for me. Which gave him more power over what we did. I don't mean in a nasty way, but if he offered to take me out to a nice restaurant and pay, I could hardly say - well I would rather go to this other expensive restaurant instead.
The power dynamic may not be obvious to you, but it will be there.

Ginger1982 · 13/11/2021 23:25

I think it's a bit odd you think it's early to be considering marriage but you've already endured that she gets everything in your will and the bulk of your pension.

DillyDilly · 13/11/2021 23:26

@Partnersworries

To those asking for specific circumstances, my partner has said to me she has circa £950 per month left for savings and fun money.
She could easily save a few hundred from that amount every month.

£950 left over after paying half a mortgage, all bills covered, holidays covered.

Be very careful.

Chloemol · 13/11/2021 23:26

@toolazytothinkofausername

my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50

You should not be paying 50/50 for the mortgage.

You should be paying 2/3 of the mortgage, and she should pay 1/3 of the mortgage.

Disagree, if she wants half the house she pays half the mortgage

All other bills are split 2/3 him 1/3 her

julieca · 13/11/2021 23:29

But she will be under pressure to spend her money socialising with OP. This means she won't be able to save, and that does leave her insecure.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:29

@Partnersworries

To those asking for specific circumstances, my partner has said to me she has circa £950 per month left for savings and fun money.
So she spend £700 a month on bills and what else? Food? Transport? Household goods? That figure seems a bit high.

Also out of the £950 how much does she actually spend on fun with you - are the majority suggested by her?

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:31

Just to give perspective I can easily spend £100 on a ‘normal’ night out if I’m not careful including taxis back. Not particularly fancy places etc.
Someone spending £300 on a night out - 1/4 would be £75, have a couple each week and your money’s gone just like that.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:34

I don’t think I’m a pushover. I do want to try to be fair and I thought I was being relatively fair.

I truly want my partner to feel secure, I care about her and don’t want her to feel ‘hard done by’

I’m quite happy with doing low expense things, walking the dog, seeing friends and family, getting a pizza and hanging out at home, I have no desire to spend loads of money on fancy cars etc.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 23:38

@TractorAndHeadphones

Just to give perspective I can easily spend £100 on a ‘normal’ night out if I’m not careful including taxis back. Not particularly fancy places etc. Someone spending £300 on a night out - 1/4 would be £75, have a couple each week and your money’s gone just like that.
Ok but if you can't afford that then you either spend less on nights out or have less nights out. It's not for a partner of less than 2 years to subsidise. And I get the feeling from OP's posts that he is relatively thoughtful and wouldn't expect her to pay 50/50 on shared nights out anyway.

I can't imagine thinking a partner of two years, or even less, should subsidise my lifestyle. It's not only greedy, it's foolish as it is a move towards being financially dependent on someone else.

DillyDilly · 13/11/2021 23:40

Listen, you are only in a relationship with this person 22 months and have already bought a house with her and have made a will where she is the main beneficiary. Too much, too soon.

You are being more than fair already. Why not ask your brother or a good friend what they think you should do?

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:42

@TractorAndHeadphones her take home pay is less than you might think as I’ve encouraged her to put 22% of income into pension .

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:43

@Partnersworries

I don’t think I’m a pushover. I do want to try to be fair and I thought I was being relatively fair.

I truly want my partner to feel secure, I care about her and don’t want her to feel ‘hard done by’

I’m quite happy with doing low expense things, walking the dog, seeing friends and family, getting a pizza and hanging out at home, I have no desire to spend loads of money on fancy cars etc.

That doesn’t really answer the question though. You’re quite happy to do low expense things. Do you actually do mostly low expense things then? What sort of food etc do you buy is it the best , value or somewhere in between? Do you both have the same tastes and preferences?
Yayaga · 13/11/2021 23:44

So after just two years she has managed to get out of her studio and onto the property ladder, only pays a quarter of her bills, is on your will and life insurance and is now angling for pooled income, despite the fact that you arent married and dont have kids?

Run.