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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I make her feel more secure

233 replies

Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 19:50

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

OP posts:
IggleyP · 13/11/2021 23:45

It sounds a bit miserable to me, keeping track of who pays x, y and z.

My now DH and I shared everything straight away after he moved in, despite the fact that he earned a lot more than me and I already had 3 DC who obviously cost money in terms of food shopping and all the things that children need , he just wouldn’t hear of paying a lower amount for anything. He shares everything he has with me and always has, and just has a naturally generous, not “keeping tabs” on anything sort of personality.m

Later when we married and bought a house together, I contributed a very large deposit from the equity that was in my old house (split from divorce plus increase in value) and I didn’t ring fence it, we are a partnership. I can’t imagine it any other way as reflects the equality of our relationship overall. (It wasn’t like with ex-H, who kept track of everything really, and money did feel a bit like it was about power)

If you are all in when you have a relationship then why would it matter? There is a power imbalance between you. If you pooled everything for a couple of years and then split up then you’ll have a lower amount of savings then you’ll have if you carry on with your current approach.. but does that matter a lot to you? You don’t sound like you’d be struggling to live because of it, so why not just have an equal relationship and stop having to keep track of it all.

Kuachui · 13/11/2021 23:47

it sounds like maybe marriage is what shes trying to get but i wouldnt be rushing into it either.

she should be feeling very secure with what shes having to pay and shouldnt be asking for more or should at least be telling you what she needs.

Boatonthehorizon · 13/11/2021 23:47

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Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:48

@TractorAndHeadphones Fair enough!

We do spend a lot of money on food, because I love to cook and eat out. We buy usual groceries from farm shop and Aldi. When we go out to eat (which we do once a week) I pick up the bill as it’s usually a date night!

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 23:49

@IggleyP

It sounds a bit miserable to me, keeping track of who pays x, y and z.

My now DH and I shared everything straight away after he moved in, despite the fact that he earned a lot more than me and I already had 3 DC who obviously cost money in terms of food shopping and all the things that children need , he just wouldn’t hear of paying a lower amount for anything. He shares everything he has with me and always has, and just has a naturally generous, not “keeping tabs” on anything sort of personality.m

Later when we married and bought a house together, I contributed a very large deposit from the equity that was in my old house (split from divorce plus increase in value) and I didn’t ring fence it, we are a partnership. I can’t imagine it any other way as reflects the equality of our relationship overall. (It wasn’t like with ex-H, who kept track of everything really, and money did feel a bit like it was about power)

If you are all in when you have a relationship then why would it matter? There is a power imbalance between you. If you pooled everything for a couple of years and then split up then you’ll have a lower amount of savings then you’ll have if you carry on with your current approach.. but does that matter a lot to you? You don’t sound like you’d be struggling to live because of it, so why not just have an equal relationship and stop having to keep track of it all.

You may be biased by your past. There’s a middle ground between keeping track of everything and pooling everything. It’s great that you and your DH shared everything but not doing so isn’t miserable, it’s the sensible thing to do. DP and I have a joint that we pay into but sometimes pay for things on our own cards if we have it handy - we don’t keep track. So the spending is roughly equal.
Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2021 23:50

@Boatonthehorizon

It's her who should run. How dare he force her to put 22% of her income in a pension. He seems like more of a bully than a pushover.
Is there a reason you're making thing up? The op hasn't forced her to do anything.
Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:52

@Boatonthehorizon 😂 I’m not forcing her to put 22% in her pension. She visited an independent FA who suggested she upped her pension contributions (which I totally agreed with)

OP posts:
Yayaga · 13/11/2021 23:54

Interesting that she visited a FA

Boatonthehorizon · 13/11/2021 23:57

Exactly! Who's idea was that?

julieca · 13/11/2021 23:58

[quote Partnersworries]@TractorAndHeadphones Fair enough!

We do spend a lot of money on food, because I love to cook and eat out. We buy usual groceries from farm shop and Aldi. When we go out to eat (which we do once a week) I pick up the bill as it’s usually a date night![/quote]
This sounds generous. In reality because you pay, you will in reality have far more say over where you eat out.
Please recognise the power imbalance.
My DP and I shared money after moving in together.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 23:59

@Yayaga she’s not some sort of scheming person!!! My parents have an IFA, I do too, she asked about whether it was worthwhile to see an FA. I said absolutely! Always good to advocate for yourself

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 00:01

@Boatonthehorizon

It's her who should run. How dare he force her to put 22% of her income in a pension. He seems like more of a bully than a pushover.
Force?! Where has he forced her?!
IggleyP · 14/11/2021 00:05

This thread is starting to have a Jarvis Cocker “common people” vibe about it 😂

OP, do you think it might be about you having a more privileged background than your partner, and her feeling frustrated that you can’t imagine the reality of living pay check to pay check, and that difference between you? Rather than just the finances of today?

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/11/2021 00:07

@Partnersworries I think it’s good for her to be paying 50% of the mortgage and understand completely why she wants to do that. It is quite stressful living off and earning a low income. Does she want to earn more? Does she want advice on how to increase her income? Can you help her with that?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 00:10

[quote ImustLearn2Cook]@Partnersworries I think it’s good for her to be paying 50% of the mortgage and understand completely why she wants to do that. It is quite stressful living off and earning a low income. Does she want to earn more? Does she want advice on how to increase her income? Can you help her with that?[/quote]
She's on £30k and paying a £350 mortgage and 1/4 bills with £900+ left over and a partner who pays for meals out etc. She's hardly on the breadline!!

Original poster
Partnersworries · 14/11/2021 00:10

I think the best way forward is to just pool both of our wages and include in our outgoings an independent savings pot for my partner.

It seems like my approach of a 75/25 split is not working out in reality and i would be loathe to end an otherwise good relationship over money!

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 14/11/2021 00:11

@IggleyP

This thread is starting to have a Jarvis Cocker “common people” vibe about it 😂

OP, do you think it might be about you having a more privileged background than your partner, and her feeling frustrated that you can’t imagine the reality of living pay check to pay check, and that difference between you? Rather than just the finances of today?

If she’s living paycheque to paycheque, it’s her own fault. She has over £950 left over after all bills are paid each month. The OP said he has offered to pay more than 75% of bills but she wasn’t happy with that either.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 00:12

How has she expressed being insecure OP? I can't understand why finances would be part of it but if they are the reason she's feeling insecure then she should be mature enough to raise that with you and outline her feelings on the subject. I wouldn't want to pool money with someone who wasn't ready to have a serious and honest conversation with money / their insecurity in a relationship with me.

Boatonthehorizon · 14/11/2021 00:12

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Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2021 00:13

Unless you're married, do not pool your wages. What a horrible idea. Your partner is not being treated unfairly. It's not your fault or problem that you make more money than she does. She's playing you.

DillyDilly · 14/11/2021 00:14

@Partnersworries

I think the best way forward is to just pool both of our wages and include in our outgoings an independent savings pot for my partner.

It seems like my approach of a 75/25 split is not working out in reality and i would be loathe to end an otherwise good relationship over money!

You’re a fool if you do that at at this stage of your relationship.

You will in effect be paying her to be in a relationship with you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 00:15

@Boatonthehorizon

Along with the deep ingrained sexism on this thread, which seems to have resulted in the partner being painted as a gold digger when it seems to have been the OP pushing for the house, pension amd lifestyle which she cannot afford. It was pp recommending marriage not the partner. But side with him, why not ? He's certainly got you all convinced. Her too, but not quite entirely...
This isn't a 'taking sides' thing. It's not goodies and baddies. People have made practical suggestions as to what is fair and sustainable for both parties.

If she's on £30k and thinks that having £950 disposable income isn't fair then that seems strange to me. She needs to communicate with OP to explain what she thinks is fair and what she would be happy with. If she isn't mature enough, or doesn't feel the relationship is strong enough, to have that conversation then pooling money would be silly as the relationship isn't sustainable IMO.

Embroidery · 14/11/2021 00:17

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DillyDilly · 14/11/2021 00:17

@Boatonthehorizon

Along with the deep ingrained sexism on this thread, which seems to have resulted in the partner being painted as a gold digger when it seems to have been the OP pushing for the house, pension amd lifestyle which she cannot afford. It was pp recommending marriage not the partner. But side with him, why not ? He's certainly got you all convinced. Her too, but not quite entirely...
But she can afford it, she has £950 left over every month after paying her share of mortgage, her portion of bills, her pension contribution. Her partner pays for their holidays.

Seems to be a throw-back here to times when men were expected to pay for everything.

julieca · 14/11/2021 00:18

@Aquamarine1029

Unless you're married, do not pool your wages. What a horrible idea. Your partner is not being treated unfairly. It's not your fault or problem that you make more money than she does. She's playing you.
DP and I pooled wages when we moved in. No I was not playing him. I actually would not want to have pooled wages with someone I was not serious about.