To ask how I make her feel more secure

[Partnersworries]

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

@Partnersworries

Reflecting on your comments, I do now think this is about marriage rather than the issue discussed! Lots to think about and thank you for your advice

If thata the case, you need to think about sharing everything with someone who isn't going to be clear about what they want for your life together.

Imo, hinting is a form of manipulation. The fact that you have spoken twice about what her actual problem is and she seems to be making things up (I am not sure I believe she just doesn't grasp the plan if you die and needs you to explain again) isn't a good sign.

You have a lot to lose including a chunk of your pension, if you marry.

Many are willing to risk that and that's fine. But many regret it later.

You need open honest conversations, like do you want kids. Will one of you give up work, both reduce hours, both work? Etc

I have a feeling this won’t be a popular view…
You’ve been with her less than 2 years, yet she’s already the main beneficiary of your will, your pension and life insurance?
Yet she says she worries financially about “if something were to happen to you”.
Which is absolutely and utterly groundless.
Plus… so what? She’s a grown arse woman who can just do exactly what she’d do if the two of you split - get on with her life.
You don’t have kids together, and it doesn’t sound like she’s made big detrimental financial decisions around your relationship - like losing a career path job to trail after yours.
So frankly, who point 2 is bollocks, and sounds like she’s angling for marriage BECAUSE you have those assets.
I’d tread carefully - I think she’s taking the piss with “what if something happens to you” - when she already knows that “what happens” is half a million in life insurance. For starters 🙄

FWIW, I earn 80k to my husband’s 20K, we’re married, he’d get my pensionspousal element I pay for everything except when he makes ad hoc food shops (not all our good)… so please don’t write me off as someone who doesn’t think you should pay more as a higher earner!

But my husband certainly never complained about lacking financial security when he was already in line for a bigger pension on my death than he’d ever save himself!

And… point 1, the buffer, no savings…. Yet earns £30K, has a mortgage of only £350 and pays less of the bills and you pay the big things like holidays. So why doesn’t she have a buffer? She could start saving.

That feeling of being OK isn’t just £ in the bank, it’s personality.

I mentioned my husband and his 1/4 is my gross salary. I’m the one who worries about redundancy, has life insurance, etc. He just thinks what will be will be, and whatever happens we’ll be OK.

Your salaries are 3:1. You should pay 75% and her 25%. Of all household expenses inc mortgage.

I would never buy a house without marriage.

Not sure its forever? = planning to dump her.

But in the meantime massively fleecing her to pay your mortgage while you get even richer. Nice.

@Embroidery

Your salaries are 3:1. You should pay 75% and her 25%. Of all household expenses inc mortgage.

I would never buy a house without marriage.

Not sure its forever? = planning to dump her.

But in the meantime massively fleecing her to pay your mortgage while you get even richer. Nice.

How is that true?

She has interest in the property. The ops deposit allowed her to move out of somewhere she wants happy. And the deposit reduced the mortgage substantially.

She wants to pay 50% because she wants 50% of the equity if they split.

Its not the ops mortgage. Its a shared one.

@Embroidery not sure if you read the OP but I do pay 75% of bills. I pay 50% of mortgage, I would happily pay more (75% or even all) but my partner does not want to do that. She wants to pay 50% to ensure her asset is protected.

@Nyxly

I think she needs to explain in more detail.

She isn't financially dependent on you.

Does she mean if you split she wouldn't be able to keep the house?

Dp and myself earn similar amounts with me as the higher earner. J wouldn't see it as my responsibility to make him feel more comfortable with me earning alot more.

I think she isn't saying what she means.

If she isn't happy paying half of the mortgage then any equity should be split as the payments are. I don't believe she should be able to pay, say, 30% of the mortgage but entitled to 50% equity after your deposit.

If its, that she is worried about splitting and not being able to afford the house, then there's not much you can do. Even if you were married and had kids she would be unlikely be able to stay in the house if yiu split.

If this is her hint at marriage, I would be taking sometime to think about it. Because ot appears finances are driving that. I don't like people who hint and I am very cynical.

I think you need to have a further converstatiom and ask her what would make her feel secure. Then, you take time to think about what her solution is.

this^^ I think this needs more honest, gentle conversation between the two of you.....and yes, I am not crazy about hinters either

I did read the OP.

You are fleecing her. And you can't bully me.

In a proper marriage, all monies are joined, fixed expenditure goes out and the rest would be split 50:50.
But I get the impression you'd hate that.

Will she even get 50% of the equity when you split? That is why shes pushing herself to pay 50% and no wonder she feels insecure. She is pushing herself into relative poverty while you stockpile even greater riches. This is unfair.

And i know what bills are. Theyre all tiny and often used by men as a 'I pay 75% of the bills' weapon. Probably a tiny tiny fraction of your salary and interesting that you keep on bringing it up. Bet she thinks that too.

Id run a mile.

In a proper marriage, all monies are joined, fixed expenditure goes out and the rest would be split 50:50.

They aren't married. So talking about what happens in some marriages, is irrelevant.

Why wouldn't she get half the equity?

Sounds like you are projecting.

The ops partner is paying a smaller mortgage, due to ops finances. And she is paying her own mortgage AND for a small portions of the bills .
Do you really believe the boyfriends/ girlfriends of high earners, don't have to pay any of their own bills?

@Embroidery

I did read the OP.

You are fleecing her. And you can't bully me.

In a proper marriage, all monies are joined, fixed expenditure goes out and the rest would be split 50:50.
But I get the impression you'd hate that.

Will she even get 50% of the equity when you split? That is why shes pushing herself to pay 50% and no wonder she feels insecure. She is pushing herself into relative poverty while you stockpile even greater riches. This is unfair.

And i know what bills are. Theyre all tiny and often used by men as a 'I pay 75% of the bills' weapon. Probably a tiny tiny fraction of your salary and interesting that you keep on bringing it up. Bet she thinks that too.

Id run a mile.

Eh? She earns £30k and pays £350 per month mortgage and 25% of household bills She's not in any kind of poverty She's paying into an asset that she will have rights over if they split He is not fleecing her by any means

[quote Partnersworries]@1u1a perhaps I am being too fussy about who pays for what! Would you suggest we just pool wages now (genuine q) I’m open to this.

I don’t want to rush into marriage until we are both 100% sure of forever.[/quote]
You've just spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on a home and are in debt for the next 15-30 years as a result. How rich are you that this isn't a huge risk to take with a relationship that 'might not be 100% forever'?

Nyxly
In a living together relationship it should be in proportion to relative earnings. In this case:
3:1.
3/4 1/4
With full 50:50 equity agreed and bound by solicitors.
Im not saying she should have free ride but he shouldnt do this to her. (Lazily stockpile riches while she runs to keep up.)

Your entire post is strange OP.
30K is by no means minimum wage.
Why buy a house instead of renting together? Whose idea was it to buy - yours or hers?

Regarding point

1. : I can see the clashes if she's careful with her money while you spend lots based on your salary. Honestly this isn't much of a problem as long as you're picking up the extra. Based on the concept of 'scaling' - i.e. you splash out on what you can both afford but however much she pays is as much as she'd normally spend if she was on her own. Does she have a budget in mind?

2. If you do point 1 correctly and she has enough of a buffer then financial independence is not an issue. The goal shouldn't be to maintain the life she had when living with a higher earner but to go back to her previous state. Why have you made so much provision for her including life insurance? Why are you so intent on securing the house? in any case if you split up/pop your clogs she will have an asset to sell and will get a nice bit of cash where she previously had none so she's better off already without you doing anything!

Something smells fishy about this entire set-up. I can't work out whether it's you, her or both.

@dustofneptune

I'm not sure I fully understand. She feels insecure as in she is worried, because she can't save/invest as much as you? That she has less in the way of assets, savings, etc.?

I don't understand how being with you makes her financially dependent on you. Is she somehow worse-off being with you than she would be living alone?

Have you asked her what she needs to feel more secure? It doesn't make sense to me.

Exactly this. I don’t see her problem. If she’s worried about her future she needs to work on increasing her income, or prioritise savings.

I think your split of bills is fair

*by securing the house I mean why are you enabling her to keep it in case of your death?

Also if she;s worried about not having a financial buffer she must have some hard numbers to show you. Vague statements don't cut it when it comes to finances

@Embroidery

Nyxly In a living together relationship it should be in proportion to relative earnings. In this case: 3:1. 3/4 1/4 With full 50:50 equity agreed and bound by solicitors. Im not saying she should have free ride but he shouldnt do this to her. (Lazily stockpile riches while she runs to keep up.)

No it shouldn't. That's your opinion.

Different people do things in different ways. £350 for a house is cheap in most places. The partner is paying their own mortgage, not ops.

Who says her 50% isn't bound. Op, sensibly, protect their deposit. So in on liklihood the 50:50 on the remaining equity will be bound by a solicitor.

What exactly is the op doing to her. The op pays over 66% of bills, 75% in fact. And the partner then pays her own half of the mortgage.

She is a grown adult with a job. Why exactly, shojldnt she pay half the mortgage if she wants half of future equity?

Again, you feel someone who is in a relationship with higher earner doesn't need to cover their own bills and financial interests.

@Embroidery did you miss the part where OP said it's the partner who insists on 50/50?
Honestly I don't see how the partner isn't rolling in cash at this point.
Also why did you mention 'men' - where does it say that the OP is a man?!?!

Yeah @Thehop she just needs to get a job earning 90k and her own flat in the backburner too.
Wonder why she hasnt?
Lazy?

I think your arrangement sounds fine tbh. Unless there’s a legal doc you could draw around the house to reassure her. I don’t understand her insecurity otherwise. You were earning this high (or close) when you met, I assume . So was she. You pay bills pro rata and she can buffer her savings with what she hss.

I don’t honestly think this is about the future, she is my 70/% named beneficiary on my pension, my brother is the other 30%

Same for life assurance (6 x salary)

The house and savings are left to her in my will.

Bloody hell, if youve not even been together two years yet and share no children then this is absolutely loads of commitment! It seems unusual after such a short time to have made her beneficiary of everything, so she surely sees you're serious?

I think your current arrangement is good as I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on another party in her situation.

So I would assume that her insecurity isn't financial or she simply wants to have more disposable income from her salary which she needs to just communicate with you like an adult s you can discuss.

You sound very sensible and fair.

@Embroidery

Yeah *@Thehop* she just needs to get a job earning 90k and her own flat in the backburner too. Wonder why she hasnt? Lazy?

Apologies if I insinuated that was easy, I certainly didn’t mean to. I definitely couldn’t!

What I mean is, if she wants more financially she should work for it or change her situation. It’s not OPs job to give her financial security. I think the OP had already behaved very fairly in terms of Will etc.

OP partner is child free. They have plenty of expendable income to invest in their future and savings,

I think be very careful here OP. Love can be blind. Not together 2 years and you are talking of pooling salaries because she isn’t happy with the disparity in earnings. Do not do this.

Whether you do marry or not do keep your deposit ring-fenced.

To me it seems as if your DP is making a play for your money which is a danger sign so early in your relationship.

How is it your fault that you're more financially stable than she is? If she was so concerned about being financially vulnerable, perhaps she shouldn't have bought a home with you. I don't understand what she wants from you, honestly. The way your bills are split seems more than fair to me.

I think she is probably concerned about the disparity in your disposable incomes. Very hard to live with someone who has a decent amount of personal spending when she is working hard and has little left after paying her share of the bills. I think it would be fairer and give her more reassurance if bills were shared in proportion to income. No need for marriage if neither of you want that. Lots of couples go for financial proportionate financial arrangements. As the bigger earner you would still, naturally, have more disposable income than her but this would give her a greater degree of financial independence.