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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I make her feel more secure

233 replies

Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 19:50

NC for this as outing on several finance bits.

Partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Last year we bought a house; she owns 50% of the house with the exception of my substantial deposit (62k which I legally ringfenced as this came from inheritance pre our relationship).

I’m the main earner of the two of us, my salary is just north of 95k and hers 30k. As such we split the mortgage 50/50 (It’s a house we chose together, small 3 beds and affordable for both).

I pay 3/4 of the other bills and for joint holidays etc. I also pay for my dog as he’s an old boy and quite expensive in insurance etc

However, she has raised some concerns that she feels that there is big financial inequity between us and worries about being dependent upon me financially. I don’t see it that way, but I wouldn’t would I!

I also have about 80k in ISAs (stocks and shares and cash ISAs)

How do I make her feel more secure? I’ve suggested she reduces down her bills contribution to save more (to give her a financial buffer) but she still seems worried.

What do I do? Do I just give her a 3 month financial buffer? I could do this without much hardship TBH but worry it would make things feel even more inequitable.

I don’t want this to impact our relationship but am a bit of a loss on how to make her feel better about this without a)being a dick and b)keeping her happy

OP posts:
Sunflowers095 · 13/11/2021 21:11

@OnTheBoardwalk

I’ve seen so many threads on here where the OP had been told do not pool your resources before you are married, don’t give him access you cash, he’s a cocklodger. Why is this any different!

No way would I expect free reign access to someone’s salary after only 2 years

Paying only a quarter of bills and half a mortgage doesn’t sound bad

Maybe a joint account for big nights out not just holidays so it doesn’t feel to he like you are always picking up the tab?

But you can pool some resources together - have a joint account and two individual ones. So salary comes into your own account, but then you pool an agreed amount into the joint one.
Fireflygal · 13/11/2021 21:19

How old are you both?

What is she asking for? Does she have a proposal on bills??

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 13/11/2021 21:22

OP. Your financial situation seems very fair to me. Are you sure that the issue is a financial one? I mean, very sensibly you are in an arrangement that demonstrates a level of commitment, living together whilst allowing DP on the property ladder, but that can be quite easily unwound, which is fine.

Do you do other things that help towards security? Such as, do you talk about the medium term future with your DP - redecorating, making plans 12 months from now, compromising to have joint plans for Christmas etc. Does she know what you want long term - ie roughly when would you want to get married, have kids etc. None are entirely essential btw, but just examples of what is helpful in demonstrating more than a "for now" view.

OnTheBoardwalk · 13/11/2021 21:27

Sunflowers095 I agree pooling some resources together is a good idea. Sorry my post was in response to all imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere comment saying 'I think you should pool your money now, both salaries pool together and all payments for everything come out of the same pot'

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:32

Thank you for your advice. I chatted to her some more this eve and asked her what it would take to make her feel financially secure in our relationship.

She said two things are the ones that really bother her

  1. that she has minimal savings and no buffer and as such feels like I see the world differently from a financial POV. That I’m more ‘what ever happens will be fine’ because I have alternative savings/passive income. She is happy for me that this is possible but I don’t think about ‘pay check to pay check’ which admittedly I don’t

  2. That if anything did happen to me (god forbid) she wouldn’t be able to stay in our home (the mortgage is just over 700 quid but she doesn’t feel this would be doable on her salary alone)

OP posts:
Resilience · 13/11/2021 21:33

Agree with pps that you need to get her to clarify what she's feeling insecure about financially. If she has 50% of the house and the bills are affordable for her as you say, I'm struggling to see the issue or how she could be dependant on you!

skipperjonce · 13/11/2021 21:34

If you get married DO NOT remove the ring fence on your deposit, or make any legal commitment to sharing the flat you financed and purchased prior to meeting your partner.

Every single marriage starts off with seemingly unending love. Over half fail. Would you want to lose all you’ve built up already in event of divorce? If you do get married take legal advise on how to protect your assets.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:34

I’ve asked her to tell me what would make her feel more secure, so we’ll see what she says

If it’s pooling our wages then I am cool with that.

OP posts:
Nemorth · 13/11/2021 21:35

Surely the "anything happening to you" worry is easy to sort with the right insurance? If it pays off the balance of the mortgage and then your will makes her the beneficiary?

You could pay for that bill yourself.

Marshy86 · 13/11/2021 21:36

Could you take out a mortgage life insurance? Then if the worst was to happen to either of you it would protect the house ?

Nyxly · 13/11/2021 21:37

@Partnersworries

Thank you for your advice. I chatted to her some more this eve and asked her what it would take to make her feel financially secure in our relationship.

She said two things are the ones that really bother her

  1. that she has minimal savings and no buffer and as such feels like I see the world differently from a financial POV. That I’m more ‘what ever happens will be fine’ because I have alternative savings/passive income. She is happy for me that this is possible but I don’t think about ‘pay check to pay check’ which admittedly I don’t

  2. That if anything did happen to me (god forbid) she wouldn’t be able to stay in our home (the mortgage is just over 700 quid but she doesn’t feel this would be doable on her salary alone)

2 is easy. Get life insurance that's pays off the mortgage and get a will leaving her the house.

If she wants more savings then she needs to either pay less of the bills or cut down her spending.

To be honest, the first point sounds like she is becoming resentful of your financial situation. Which isn't good. I wouldn't be with someone who was.

But, surely she is better off (financially) than she was living on her own. Giving her more money to save herself? If not then that's the problem.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:39

I have a will, everything is left to her apart from my first flat which would go to my brother as he doesn’t have much and it could be a little pension for him.

I also have life assurance with her as the main beneficiary

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/11/2021 21:40

Have you made a will?
If you would want her to stay in the house if you died then make a will that leaves her enough money to make that affordable?
I also think you should be paying 100% of the bills with such a disparity in salary and if you're only paying £350 a month mortgage you must be rolling in it!!!
If she only pays £350 a month she can easily save on a salary of £30k so that's her responsibility and opportunity to build a nest egg.

Nyxly · 13/11/2021 21:41

Did she not know that?

Why would she be worried about it, if there's something in place?

I think she is still dancing around what her actual issue is, if she knew you already had those things set up.

OnTheBoardwalk · 13/11/2021 21:42

Agree mortgage insurance and Will will give financial assurance more than access to your bank account

Hankunamatata · 13/11/2021 21:44

Your paying most of the bills and she only pays half mortgage so surely she has quite a bit left over so save or spend?

As for you dropping down dead, you could take an insurance policy out to cover the mortgage and make sure you have a will.

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:45

@Nyxly I have discussed this previously but maybe I need to reiterate it and explain everything I have in place to ensure she would be protected if anything happens to me (hopefully not obvs as I’m only 35!)

I have life assurance of 6 x salary and a will.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 13/11/2021 21:45

What's she worried about? As long as she is a joint owner of the house I don't see the problem. 30k is a decent salary.

RaininSummer · 13/11/2021 21:47

You sound lovely. I think your set up seems quite fair especially if you have covered protecting her rights and ability to keep the house if something awful were to happen to you I think she may be sounding you out in a roundabout way about future marriage plans. This isn't bad if so but don't be rushed into into out.

Hankunamatata · 13/11/2021 21:48

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Have you made a will? If you would want her to stay in the house if you died then make a will that leaves her enough money to make that affordable? I also think you should be paying 100% of the bills with such a disparity in salary and if you're only paying £350 a month mortgage you must be rolling in it!!! If she only pays £350 a month she can easily save on a salary of £30k so that's her responsibility and opportunity to build a nest egg.
I sorry but I don't see her issue. She wants to pay half the mortgage £350, she only pays 25% of the bills. Surely she gets about 2k a month and if all her bills came to 1k that's still 1k to spend or save.
Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:48

I don’t honestly think this is about the future, she is my 70/% named beneficiary on my pension, my brother is the other 30%

Same for life assurance (6 x salary)

The house and savings are left to her in my will.

I’m not planning to ‘pop my clogs’ any time soon as I’m still relatively young!

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 13/11/2021 21:49

If you swapped the semester here people would be telling the OP that their partners lack of saving wasn't their problem, and they needed to make sure their money if protected. They certainly wouldn't be telling a woman to marry a man earning a third of their salary to make him feel more secure Confused

Original poster
Partnersworries · 13/11/2021 21:50

Reflecting on your comments, I do now think this is about marriage rather than the issue discussed! Lots to think about and thank you for your advice Smile

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 13/11/2021 21:50

Sexes, not semester Hmm

Dropcloth · 13/11/2021 21:52

@Partnersworries

It’s a good question, and we may well get married in the future, if we do (and I hope we do assuming things stay good) then I would expect to pool all of our finances together including removing the ringfenced deposit and giving her equal access to my savings, plus my ‘first flat’ which I own by myself etc.

It does feel quite early to be considering marriage with 22 months together in total. I love her and we bought the house because it seemed silly not to! She was renting a studio flat (which she wasn’t particularly happy in) so thought it made sense to buy and live together rather than spend on rent.

See, I think this is quite mad. You don’t sound particularly committed to her, or as if you necessarily envisage a shared future or marriage — but you bought a massively expensive shared asset together because she didn’t like her studio flat and you thought it was silly to pay rent? That sounds to me as if you let property precipitate you into a situation where you committed because of money — and now the fact that you co-own a house despite wildly disparate income levels is causing issues.