To be overwhelmed by normal life.

[nonettles]

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?

"I am very very good at the 'oh shit oh shit my mum is coming' clean"

@JeffVaderneedsatray this made me laugh because it's so, so typical of the ADHD brain and needing some kind of external pressure to get things done. Of course it would be much easier to just do 15-20 mins a day and maintain a clean and tidy house, but I just....can't. It's like I'm blind to what I'm doing. I'm focused on work all day, so I forget to wipe down bathroom surfaces as I go, junk mail gets put on a side table instead of in the bin, clothes discarded on the floor, then having to deal with it all at the end of a week is a massive miserable chore. Like you, I'm really good at cleaning and it looks great when I've finished, but I just cannot maintain it at all.

@YukoandHiro

I am like this but I have two children and it's killing me. There's a certain Amount that has to be done like washing and food and tidying toys which I'm on top of but even though we have a cleaner the house isn't as clean as I'd like for my children. I've tried all these methods but find it so hard to stick to because my work (4 days a week, from home) is often so intense I have zero energy left once the children are in bed.

So glad you posted this and following for tips

Hard relate.

CecilieRose my modus operandi is to put things outside the bathroom door in preparation for hoovering and mopping, go off to do something else, walk past the door several hours later and wonder who the fuck has made such a mess before remembering that it is me.

I used to be a SAHM (for 4 blissful years before a supply stint turned into a temporary contract which then became a permanent contract by default and now I will have to actively resign rather than being made to leave) and I kept the house vaguely nice because I treated it as my 'job'.

I have talked to DH about all this. He reasons, correctly, that I am overly perfectionist in my outlook, I try to tackle too much at once and I need to do a little bit every day. However, his ND brain cannot see that MY ND brain can't do that.

At the risk of being flamed, we are a very 'traditional' set up here. He deals with the outside of the house and I do the inside. Plus I work 25 hours to his 40 odd. (And he has incredibly lax standards so when he does clean..........) He is 'task blind' - the mess genuinely doesn't bother him but he will do anything I ask (although not my way and thus 'wrong' - I must try to be less controlling!)

However my sanity is fleeing away so something has to give. I'm starting with a serious reduction in my time attached to a phone or computer and earlier bedtime.

I feel your pain. I suspect I have adhd and my eldest too def not NT but not worked her out yet! I barely managed routine housework/ work/ life pre kids. Post kids I work so much harder just to be where I was pre kids! I Really really struggled during the sleepless baby and toddler years.

I cannot do housekeeping routines. I tend to have mass tidy ups/ sort outs then it gets cluttered again. I've accepted that's the way I am. In considering getting a cleaner as I have to step up work hours but feel I need to advertise for one of those specialist crime scene/ hoarder cleaners so I won't be judged for the chaos.

The book smart but scattered has some great insights into executive functions and has a test to see which ones you struggle with, then advice in how to improve each function.

We definitely need a support thread somewhere, IDK which is the best place on the boards for it- we could share our progress or have a moan etc. Anyone fancy starting one? And if so, which board? (I tend to like relationships board but don't know if this'll count, although it can effect our relationships of any kind.)

I mean, there probably already is a thread somewhere.

@me4real I think ADHD specific support threads start every 3 to 4 months and, well, you can probably guess what happens...

There is a general neurodiverse on going support thread, which means it lasts a bit longer than ADHD specific ones! When I remember it is there, everyone seems very kind.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn/3883677-Neurodiversity-support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-or-self-diagnosed-autism-ADHD-and-other-NDs-19

Have you changed your light bulb yet?

I’m so glad I found my tribe!! I meant to go through and answer people individually and say how much I relate to all the experiences that are being shared, but… yeah the posts became a bit overwhelming and I lost track! But I do just want to say I also have a blown lightbulb in my bedroom @me4real!! Thank you for sharing your photos also, I would do the same except I’m too worried about being outed!!
Support thread definitely a good idea!!

my bedroom looks like it belongs to a drunk teenager wow, only the bedroom, well done, how do you acheive that???

@ThinWomansBrain

my bedroom looks like it belongs to a drunk teenager wow, only the bedroom, well done, how do you acheive that???

Easy - the other rooms have different themes. The kitchen looks like a restaurant kitchen at 9pm on a Saturday night, the dining room like the set of Steptoe and Son, and so on. My very tiny living room and my bathroom are generally pretty good though - I have the ability to keep two rooms clean and tidy and no more than that. Although I’ve been meaning to redo the sealant and the grout in the bathroom for…well, 2 years.

Poor executive function but a straight A student? ADHD/ADD sounds unlikely to me. I'd have to go for what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome before they lumped everyone into ASD. I bet you have a fantastic memory whilst also having a terrible memory just like my DC with that diagnosis.

@Tal45

Poor executive function but a straight A student? ADHD/ADD sounds unlikely to me. I'd have to go for what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome before they lumped everyone into ASD. I bet you have a fantastic memory whilst also having a terrible memory just like my DC with that diagnosis.

Absolute claptrap, sorry. Plenty of ADHD suffers do very well at school/university. It just often comes at a very high personal cost, like social life/relationships being totally neglected, lack of sleep, depression and anxiety. I was almost a straight A student, got a first class degree, Master's with distinction. I drove myself into the ground with all of it. Never understood why I seemed to find it so difficult to focus and apply myself, why it was all so stressful. Until I was...diagnosed with ADHD. Along with autism.

@Tal45

Poor executive function but a straight A student? ADHD/ADD sounds unlikely to me. I'd have to go for what would have been diagnosed as Aspergers syndrome before they lumped everyone into ASD. I bet you have a fantastic memory whilst also having a terrible memory just like my DC with that diagnosis.

Yeah, probably best not to “go for” online diagnoses based on your own hunches.

@nonettles in girls and women adhd was very poorly recognised until recently so don’t be too suspicious of the diagnosis. Look at psychiatry Uk (currently they’re a bit back logged but you can request assessment via GP) it’s worth looking at the initial screening form. I too did well academically in school despite very poor executive functioning. I’m a week away from assessment and am willing to see if meds help. Worst case is they don’t. I’m so glad my colleague pointed out the possibility to me as so much makes sense now even if it’s still a bit of an uphill battle.

I’m glad this thread is helping. Be kind to yourself. Life is pretty overwhelming and when you’re single all household tasks fall to you.

I get who gives a crap toilet rolls delivered about every six months in a big box of 48 rolls.

I get my food shopping delivered once a week. You can order from previous orders if you mainly have the same things each time and you can do several weeks at once. I would also recommend you try something like Hello Fresh boxes where you choose the meals you want and get a box with everything you need to make them plus the recipes delivered to your door as others have said.

Set an alarm on your phone to put a wash on every couple of days.

Would a fortnightly cleaner be feasible/help?

It does sound like adhd. You can be academic and still have adhd. I'm not sure what the solution is; I'm the same. I do think that working from home makes things harder. Also, not having children makes things harder in a way. I'm definitely worse when I'm not working full time or when the kids aren't at school as I need that structure to the day. Don't beat yourself up about it though.

@Notlostjustexploring I'll buy some bulbs now, thanks for the nudge.

Poor executive function but a straight A student? ADHD/ADD sounds unlikely to me

@Tal45 This is a myth. Also people can have traits of something and it still be impairing. I did well at uni in terms of results, but as others say, I found it very stressful, and have never really been able to work.

@nonettles I'm with RA0K with getting a bulk delivery of loo rolls- mine are whatever's the best deal on Amazon. I got this ones www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07HJ4LRX3?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 but they were about 1.50 cheaper then. You can probably find others on there. They've lasted well. I get quite a lot of other stuff too with a bit of a buffer in case I run out too, from Morrisons- tampons, roll on, cleaning products etc.

To the woman who was saying looking for art for the house for instance is hard- I think if you can enjoy the process itself then it's not so bad. For instance I spent ages doing a Morrisons shop earlier but quite enjoyed. But then I don't have anything better to do (except housework lol) - if people have family or work responsibilities they probably don't have the time to enjoy looking at items as much.

Although I’ve been meaning to redo the sealant and the grout in the bathroom for…well, 2 years.

I recognise this! I bought sealant and learned from you tube how to work the sealant gun and filled it. But then the phone rang... and it is still in the bathroom, hardened and useless, three years later.

@lunarlandscape

Although I’ve been meaning to redo the sealant and the grout in the bathroom for…well, 2 years.

I recognise this! I bought sealant and learned from you tube how to work the sealant gun and filled it. But then the phone rang... and it is still in the bathroom, hardened and useless, three years later.

Pretty much exactly the same scenario here.

Ooo...I could do with redoing my grout...probably should finish painting my hall stairs and landing...which I started in 2017...

....out of curiosity, how many browser tabs does everyone else have opened?

I saw a YouTube video of a woman who used toilet cleaner to clean grout and sealant.

Squirting it directly on the grout and sealant then leaving it before coming back to scrub it off.

It did look amazing

@Notlostjustexploring the maximum possible on chrome and safari, hundreds. I have to close a tab before I open a new one

@Notlostjustexploring

Ooo...I could do with redoing my grout...probably should finish painting my hall stairs and landing...which I started in 2017...

....out of curiosity, how many browser tabs does everyone else have opened?

All of them. Three browsers, multiple windows, usually at least 3 duplicates for every five subjects.

Same with documents, spreadsheets, email windows and explorer.

And I usually have to reset at least one password because I've changed it and promptly forgotten what I've changed it to by the time I get the confirmation email to say I have changed it and can log back in again.

Toilet cleaner can stain grout, by the way. And mould killer makes paintwork and chrome plating peel off especially when you forget you've done it and wander off. Stick to thin bleach.

Me too Berkeys

Well I used to, but since one of the updates on Apple, Safari randomly decides to shut all of my tabs so every few weeks I start afresh. It makes me bookmark and/or read stuff at the time and the other day I actually found myself going through my tabs and closing ones I didn’t need

@Notlostjustexploring Sigh…

I just want to say hello and I recognise so much of this too. I'd like to pursue a diagnosis but I feel like I'd just be bothering people or what would be the point. But I do struggle with lots of things that people here have mentioned and l think I might actually be @Pysgodywibliwobli (I've had the exact same thought process about getting a cleaner!)

And yes to @JeffVaderneedsatray about spending too much time on social media or watching TV, I think for me it's a distraction from either the noise in my head or the stuff that needs doing (or maybe they're the same thing, I'm not sure!)