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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be overwhelmed by normal life.

180 replies

nonettles · 13/11/2021 19:35

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?
Blush

OP posts:
lunarlandscape · 13/11/2021 21:30

By the way I have a good job, mainly working from home but also at times teaching further education for a very good uni. It's possible to have ADD and survive.

bluetongue · 13/11/2021 21:33

Another seemingly intelligent person with adulting issues singing in. I’m childfree and live alone. Keeping myself and my dog alive is enough for me.

I know I have executive functioning issues. It’s some sort of ASD or ADHD but I’ve never been diagnosed. When I was a kid autism was either something kids I the special class or very disruptive boys had.

I’ve been this way since a small child. At primary school I had to get extensions for projects because my time management was abysmal even then! It wasn’t that I didn’t care about school, if anything I cared too much and this made things even worse.

I started a uni degree but despite getting distinctions and some subjects I ended up dropping out because it just became overwhelming.

Don’t forget that the last couple of years have been hard for everyone. I’ve had to take a break from the news because I was just getting frustrated and depressed about how much the world has changed with Covid.

The pandemic has also meant I haven’t had a ‘proper’ holiday for nearly two years. I know it’s sort of a first world problem but I really need a proper break far from where I live and work to recharge. I’m just feeling burnt out at work at the moment and have started taking some days off here and there to give myself a long weekend. At least I have plenty of leave and money saved for when I can have a holiday again!

I try and tell myself I have a steady job, my bills are paid and I’ve got a house I’m paying off which is more than many people have.

Embroidery · 13/11/2021 21:33

@me4real.
You must buy some storage. Bookcase for books and laptop.
Fabric cube boxes with lids for clothes. It'll take you the time it took you to upload those pics to put your stuff in them and will be a very good start.
Please buy a lightbulb. Do.it now.

I used to be like you and its no good for you.

Its not worth thinking Ill do 30 mins and putting it off. Moving it round does nothing.

Honestly, you just need storage. Then just bung the stuff in it. Start with this. Put all the clothes in those pics in a habitat cube box with a lid. Stack them up and hoover.
Do you have a hoover? You can get them v cheap second hand or £30 new from argos.

Wash them box by box when you can.

What is on your kitchen floor? Can you throw it all out?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/11/2021 21:36

How about we pare down your working day a bit?

  1. Food.

Fine, you need something - but do you need to be dealing with three lots of thinking cooking, eating and cleaning up right now? If not, then how about something that is tolerable but minimal effort - like buying a bunch of meal replacement drinks (ready to drink because nobody has time to clean a blender) and sticking them in the bottom of the fridge? That frees you from 14 meals a week and gives you freedom to actually think about 7 where you don't have to think too hard about whether they're unhealthy as you have tons of calories to play with.

That final meal can be an easy cook thing with bags of salad, microwave vegetables and rice/pasta as you prefer (I'm a huge fan of precooked chilli salmon fillet or chilli prawns for those meals). You don't need to do this forever, perhaps just long enough to give you a break from the mental load.

As you've got yourself in a position to have less washing up, you don't have so much tidying/cleaning - packets in bin as you open them, plate washed under the tap as you finish eating. Less kitchen cleaning, too, especially if you wipe over the surface the instant something spills on it.

So you're fed and the kitchen isn't a health hazard/visual noise shouting at you.

  1. Cleaning and Tidying.

Washing basket in bedroom, as you get undressed for bed, chuck the dirty clothes straight in there. Keeps your room looking better than dirty odd socks everywhere. Pull your duvet up on your bed as you get up, so no need to make it later.

So your sleeping area is cleaner and less cluttered, which helps sleep, as well as making it easier to get things ready to go to the launderette when you do go there.

  1. Hygiene.

When you get up, you'll have a bit of a routine even if you don't realise it - you probably go straight to the bathroom. Well, let's add on open the curtains as you get up, the toilet, then brush teeth and your shower onto that, so you go back to the bedroom clean and get dressed. You're then ready to go.

  1. Work.

Take the towel back out of the bedroom with you and hang it back up as you go to the kitchen (I use the bannister as that means it dries very quickly compared to in a heap on the floor). Have your breakfast/shake as the kettle's boiling. Take your tea/coffee in to where you are working, switch on your laptop and start work.

Alarm goes off at (for example) 11am. Break time. Have a drink, toilet break, then back to work.

Alarm goes off at 1pm. Lunch break. This could be a good time to go for a walk round the block in the way you would have gone to grab a sandwich at the office. Come back, have your lunch/shake and log back on for 2 hours.

Break time at 3. Have a drink/toilet break and back to work. Only two hours to go.

5pm. End of work. All done. Log off and switch your laptop off. You'd normally have been travelling home now, so it's the perfect time to have another walk - maybe to a shop to pick a dinner? Or maybe a run/the gym if you like exercise?

  1. After work.

Back home, have dinner, chucking things away as you use them and wiping spills up immediately. Wash up straight away (it's only a plate and a couple of things to do, so it hasn't got overwhelming), and you're done - the rest of the evening is free.

If you can get your workday under control, then you'll start feeling better, as there won't be so many utter panics. And the bit that pays for your home and your food is more important than having a matching pair of socks every day, anyhow.

Something else that might help is having a large (A2 or A1 perhaps) pad and a load of marker pens so you can plan things in a bright, easy to see way, rather than have to hold million things in your head. Even the timing of your day on paper might help.

Oh, and as you may have noticed, there is no mention of phones or social media, just work. There's a reason for that - they distract you and provide greater stimulus than work stuff. They wait until later - if need be, put your phone across the room; I'd even think about having a separate PAYG one for work if you need one, to ensure that you can't get sucked into Whatsapp/games/apps/news.

See how that goes and then come back to other things once they're embedded. No point giving you ten million things to try at once, after all, is there? Grin

Marimaur · 13/11/2021 21:36

It does sound a bit like ADD too but no one can diagnose you over the internet.
If it’s something that’s happened recently it could be mild-moderate depression or even a thyroid issue?
Definitely worth seeing a doctor about.

Silverswirl · 13/11/2021 21:39

I would get money that you have adhd or autism.
I know someone who was diagnosed with adhd and begun taking medication. She was shocked to find out what ‘normal’ people feel like. It was a total revelation.

chipsandgin · 13/11/2021 21:39

The verywell link re ADHD is good - it describes me perfectly & I was diagnosed at 44 when my then 14 year old went through a ADHD diagnosis. Like you I was a straight A student & have had well respected professional jobs, I just thought I was scatty & disorganised & ‘not good enough’ or just couldn’t ‘adult’.

Before my referral and subsequent research into it was very sceptical about ADHD generally but the more I learnt the more it made sense & there are a lot of excellent resources out there that can help you understand the reality (& neuroscience) behind the condition.

Sadly, and I was a guilty of these as anyone, there are a lot of incorrect preconceptions and misinformation about ADHD. I also thought perhaps the diagnosis was given too readily - but now I suspect given how rigorous & in depth the diagnostic process is that very few people are misdiagnosed these days.

I’m medicated now & it has been life changing, like getting glasses if you have blurry vision - you still have to choose what you focus on & whilst there is no magic wand medication has allowed me to get my shit together far more than at any other stage of my life. It’s definitely worth looking into OP.

SofiaMichelle · 13/11/2021 21:39

OP, you really need to stop putting kitchen roll down the toilet.

It's designed not to break down in the way toilet paper does - it has wet-strength additives added (I worked in the paper industry) - and you'll quickly end up with another problem to cope with if you don't stop.

Sorry I don't have more constructive help to offer.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 21:44

@chipsandgin

The verywell link re ADHD is good - it describes me perfectly & I was diagnosed at 44 when my then 14 year old went through a ADHD diagnosis. Like you I was a straight A student & have had well respected professional jobs, I just thought I was scatty & disorganised & ‘not good enough’ or just couldn’t ‘adult’.

Before my referral and subsequent research into it was very sceptical about ADHD generally but the more I learnt the more it made sense & there are a lot of excellent resources out there that can help you understand the reality (& neuroscience) behind the condition.

Sadly, and I was a guilty of these as anyone, there are a lot of incorrect preconceptions and misinformation about ADHD. I also thought perhaps the diagnosis was given too readily - but now I suspect given how rigorous & in depth the diagnostic process is that very few people are misdiagnosed these days.

I’m medicated now & it has been life changing, like getting glasses if you have blurry vision - you still have to choose what you focus on & whilst there is no magic wand medication has allowed me to get my shit together far more than at any other stage of my life. It’s definitely worth looking into OP.

oh god me too Another one here for ADHD! All the lists, routines schedules timetables whatever in the world won't help
ElEmEnOhPee · 13/11/2021 21:44

Oh wow, I feel like I could have written this. I've struggled with depression my whole life but never considered it could be ADHD, reading that link though I have the things listed in the link aside from the overspending - that's because I'm too indecisive to make a decision on big purchases. I cry to my friends and family often about feeling just so overwhelmed by life despite only having one child and not working, I feel like I just can't "do" life. Definitely something I'm going to look in to.

WonderfulYou · 13/11/2021 21:45

I’m like this but I’m a single parent and have quite a stressful job so I always put it down to that but actually reading your posts I think my problem (and maybe your problem) is that I’m trying to fix too much.

So I’ll say right from Monday I’m going to do XYZ and fill every minute of my day up but then it’s way too much, I get even more overwhelmed and end up doing none of it.

I’m going to try to change one thing and keep at for at least 2 weeks before adding something else. I think this would benefit you too, just concentrate on one area you want to change the most and just do that.

me4real · 13/11/2021 21:45

I mostly have some storage, a hoover etc, it's just getting round to it.

I'm ok @Embroidery , I just photoed for the OP to see she's not alone. Smile

The stuff on the kitchen floor, bedding etc, is mostly there because it's usually stored under the water tank, but that seemed to have a very slight leak last week and stuff was damp. It seems ok now but think I might call a man out soon to tighten everything there IDK.

I don't own anything that can be chucked out (except food wrappers etc.) I'm more the type that will throw stuff out and then at some point realize I need it and have to buy a new one.

Alcemeg · 13/11/2021 21:46

Also think we shouldn't underestimate the gloomy introspection that the COVID situation has imposed on us. I know I am tending to self-examine more than usual, and not kindly.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/11/2021 21:47

OP my dd has ADD. Complete perfectionist, very high functioning. Anxiety and depression set in first. A*, v v high 2:1 Oxbridge. She's never late for work or missed a lecture, etc. Emotionally intelligent. Doesn't forget keys, money, etc.
However, the life admin, organising, laundry, etc. A total shambles. Can you pay someone to do it for you?

Notlostjustexploring · 13/11/2021 21:47

Slight aside from the conversation but Kencat's description of meds is both really funny and really bang on.

To “normal” people they would be totally shitfaced taking this amount of drugs. To me it just puts me in the right frame of mind to unload the dishwasher.

Light bulbs- I think I lived without a light in my bedroom for about 4 months, I used to use a candle to read my book by before bed. I drove past ikea, literally, right past it, twice a day. I think my then boyfriend, now husband, might have bought the bulbs for me in the end...

People....you are really not alone!!

Seabreeze2 · 13/11/2021 21:47

Your post literally describes me. Except I have a very frustrated DH who has to have the patience of a saint sometimes. And now I’m also pregnant. And quite frankly scared about how ill cope with our new addition, although I tend to “wing life” so know I’ll be fine and just get on with it, and people on the outside would have no idea the state of my mind/messy home. I hate it. I really don’t like having the no energy to do basic life chores but like you, I’m still working from home and just have no energy or motivation to get shit done after work. I will cook dinner and eat dinner and clean up after, but all other housework is on hold. Until we run out of clean clothes then I’ll get it done. Especially with pregnancy morning sickness. I know I need to get a grip on it, and like no you I can dedicate a weekend to “sorting myself out” and then it’s so lovely to feel more organised etc, but slowly I start slipping back into bad habits. Sorry no solutions here, but thought I’d share that you’re not alone, life is busy and bloody hard work sometimes lol. I really appreciate the advice on this post. ADD has crossed my mind previously too but never mentioned it to gp and probably won’t. Also, I do have a thyroid condition, so maybe worth you getting that checked like others have said x

me4real · 13/11/2021 21:58

Meds didn't suit me as I have bipolar also, but I know they help a lot of people.

ADD has crossed my mind previously too but never mentioned it to gp and probably won’t.

@Seabreeze2 No harm in mentioning it.

This thread is inspiring me. Maybe we should have a group motivational thread sometime?

ButterBiscuitBase · 13/11/2021 22:02

I have ADD and you are literally describing my life. I did very well in school, uni and never had problems getting jobs so that's why it slipped under the radar for so long. My executive function issues really manifest in dull, daily tasks like dealing with letters, housework, laundry, cleaning, cooking etc. I just about scraped by when I was living on my own, and my life is very much how you describe. I knew something was off, but I lived in a small flat by myself and eating toast or fruit for meals wasn't a huge deal. However things really went to shit after I got married and had a baby and moved into a larger home. I simply couldn't keep up with the unsurmountable amount of work required to take care of a baby/toddler, the house, grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, laundry etc for three people.

I managed to develop a few routines like cleaning the kitchen and living room every night. The rush of being able to relax in a clean room and enjoy a few hours to myself compensated for the drudgery of working so that's one way to trick ADD's faulty motivational pathways. It's also been proven that on hour of cardio exercise helps reduce ADD thoughts/symptoms by about 4 hours. I try to go for a brisk walk first thing after breakfast (with DD in a buggy) and that clears my mind enough to deal with the tedium of the day. Sometimes I need another walk in the afternoon to "reset" the chaos in my head.

I'm not medicated but I'm not opposed to getting a formal treatment plan once the pandemic settles and DD is in nursery. I feel that I'm coping ok just through the awareness that I have ADD and not comparing my life to anyone else's. In your place, you should be mindful before making major life changes like moving in with a partner, having a baby etc because those are things which can worsen ADD for many people. If you are already on medication then it would probably make the transition easier and I wish I had known it back in the days.

Beseen22 · 13/11/2021 22:03

I could have written your post. Also ?ADD. My DH said he honestly couldn't be sure if I was in the early stages of dementia because I ticked all the boxes. He had to put in a special hook that I had to hang my keys on everysingle day because otherwise I lost them every time. I've lost numerous bits of jewelry, never have the right card with me for the task I'm doing and if I'm doing an errand or task I will do everything in the most round about complex way. I don't forget birthdays...I spend ages about 2 months before thinking of the absolute perfect gift and don't find it so I avoid it until its too late. This seems to be a theme in many other parts of life. I need the absolute perfect thing or solution and if that doesn't come easy I avoid it until it becomes an actual problem.

You said you didn't know how people with kids fuction but its actually a big help. DH is the most switched on person I know and we have been together for years so he will remind me of stuff that he knows I'm putting off. The kids give me a routine...I have to be out the house for school run. I have to make sure they have clean clothes for school. I might be running about like an idiot the night before to organise it but I can't let them down. I have to have food in for them. Its not an option to live off cereal for a day or so. It has helped tidying a great deal because I can't let them live in a dirty house so I will not go to bed until the downstairs is tidy and hoovered.

The other thing that works for me which I've seen on adhd memes is inviting a guest around once a week. Nothing makes me clean like a guest coming round. The weekly pressure is the only thing thatworks.

Schoolsout78 · 13/11/2021 22:07

Have you looked at symptoms of adhd in adult women?

Echobelly · 13/11/2021 22:15

I'm in my 40s and several friends around my age have been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD in last few years and it's been transformational for all of them. Some have started meds, others have just felt the relief of knowing it's not that they are 'lazy' or 'useless', they just find it harder than most people to 'do stuff'. A couple who have started meds have described feeling much less overwhelmed by everything and sleeping better.

Andoffwego · 13/11/2021 22:16

I am exactly like you on how I live and how I feel, although I do have a child. I am pretty sure I have ADHD. I have the majority of the symptoms but not the hyperactivity. I find life harder and harder the older I get. Even the most mundane things are overwhelming. This week I am high-fiving myself because I have bought, wrapped, parcelled up and posted Christmas presents for my best friend and her kids. I FORCED myself to do it now way too early because the chances of me doing it in December when I’m even more overwhelmed are precisely nil. I get paralysed by choice and all the things that I have to do to make that one thing happen.

It’s also worth mentioning that although I have sorted Christmas presents for one family, I haven’t eaten one proper cooked meal all week, the fridge is full of going off food and needs cleaning, my bedroom looks like it belongs to a drunk teenager, and there are piles of stuff everywhere. I also need to book a dentist and doctors appointment but this hasn’t happened. I am useless.

Serenschintte · 13/11/2021 22:18

I read this and thought 1. Adhd - inattentive type or 2 executive function issues

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 13/11/2021 22:20

Not a long term solution, but I type out a list of 'how to live' instructions for myself, used it in lockdown to structure my days. So, it really says things like 'get up' 'get dressed' 'put on wash/use tumble dryer' 'feed cat' 'take meds', then slots for work, lists of food I eat, and then lists of jobs that need doing (so do the bins, order food, clean fridge would be on there). Every day I would get up and read the list, do the things on it, and add in the additional stuff for that day, so write down what I would cook in the evening, any appointments, any letters needing dealing with.

I'm academic and work ft as well as have kids and I just felt lost with the long days working from home. I found this meant I spent no mental energy trying to remember what to do as it was all written down. I often tick stuff off.

It was great for setting up a routine, and I was much more efficient than if I tried to remember- feed cat, take meds, wash and put on make-up, tidy for 10 min or whatever.

Whether or not you have ADHD that might get you started in living in a more structured way and you can go from there. I am also not depressed and in my case I don't have ADHD but life is complicated and this is a way of taking the pressure off.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 13/11/2021 22:22

I do feel a bit silly with an instruction list with 'turn on washing machine' or 'get up at 8' written on it, but it really helps me! Print off copies, have them by the bed!