To be overwhelmed by normal life.

[nonettles]

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?

Sounds like me. I have ADHD. I'm drowning, haven't found the way out yet. Knowing it's ADHD and not just that I'm shit at life helps, though,

First of all it’s good to remind yourself that the idealised lifestyle everyone seems to have is bs.

Second if you are working from home mo need to bother about ironing.

Third try not to be so hard on yourself. For example, if you have to get all your washing done at a laundrette then of course you are going to find it harder to get the motivation than someone with a washing machine at home. 8 hours a day working is also a huge chunk of time. I know it’s common to do that or more but in the U.K. we have much longer working hours than most of Europe so it’s no surprise everyone is so frazzled all the time.

Lastly, I know say you don’t think you are depressed because you don’t feel sad but a few of the things you mentioned are red flags for low mood like not feeling up to showering or getting dressed. It may be worth doing this quick questionnaire to see what your mood is like.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/guides-tools-and-activities/depression-anxiety-self-assessment-quiz/

If you also feel tired all the time you could be deficient in something like iron or vitamin d so it would be worth going along to your GP anyway and getting a blood test done.

You say you don’t think it’s depression because you are not sad. I was depressed and didn’t feel sad, just didn’t really feel much at all apart from rage every now and again. I had zilch to be depressed about m, great job, lovely home and family but IMO it’s in my genes and at that point I couldn’t avoid it. Just something to think about x
2kids and a man child here, im really struggling with housework it’s a vicious circle but luckily man child cooks or would probably starve 🤣 x

awesome I am sorry you felt so bad
But at the same time, I feel like you must have done a lot of things right if you retired in shitloads and you probably have a lot of wisdom to share. Certainly I would love to hear it!

@nonettles yes you are a perfectionist- it sounds mad I know as we feel like failures but honestly it’s because we try and do too much and have too high standards. I don’t think it’s ADHD. I feel very often that my ‘natural’ or ‘default’ setting is to do my absolute best, and I apply that to everything. Work, home, projects, marriage, health, fitness. Literally every task. This means (exactly like you say in your post) that the list of things to do is massive. And it’s not possible unless you have a PA and household staff 😅😉 I grew up with very pushy parents who really pushed me to do my very best at everything… I wonder if you were the same. It has its perks.. I (think I) am very capable; I speak several languages, I’ve got several strings to my bow, I’m a good saver & good career.. but also I have days where I’m totally overwhelmed by living up to the standards that I think are normal- they actually are high- not normal to most people! It’s very hard to do but you need to try and cut yourself some slack. If you’ve missed the bins, F it! There’s always next week. Since being pregnant I’ve had to pick the hills that I’m prepared to die on as I’m just not capable of doing it all now and it’s been a good exercise for me! There’s a podcast called Stessproof that I think is quite good, you might like it too xo

I have days I do “normal” life, even days I do a lot. Sometimes being busy one thing propels me onto the next.

Other days I can have less but feel overwhelmed. To the point I could just lie on the floor, willing myself to get up. Desperate to (for example) tidy a room because people are coming over. I will usually cry and talk myself round. Start an excessive grocery shop. Start sorting my handbags and maybe move them from wardrobe into a cupboard (in retrospect, why?). Then at a certain point of running out of time panic I start moving to tidy.

Then they will turn up, I’ll be flustered, not finished and kick myself (in my mind) about being lazy and how could I possibly waste all day, when I only had a few things to do to get ready for this thing I wanted to do.

I have always said if you gave me an easy schedule of what I need to do in a day, all planned out. That day would feel like running a marathon (or harder) to do it. I feel sad at the thought of it!

If I haphazardly bounce between things, also doing many things that are non negotiable, I can be productive.

I spend quite a bit of time trying to work myself into a panic but it only works so far. My main help is that for children many things are non negotiable and they structure my day.

I am exactly like this! I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago aged almost 40 and now it all makes sense.

A slob comes clean. It’s a podcast. I recommend it for making life a little less overwhelming. (Start with the earlier episodes).

1. My Kitchen (no bulb ) This is actually quite tidy for my kitchen but some washing up has been there for weeks. I keep killing microwaves by making them filthy for weeks and then cleaning them, and have decided to not bother getting yet another one. Every time I buy a saucepan (rare) I end up chucking it as I CBA with washing it. I earn one bowl, one plate, etc, to save on washing up. I used to use paper plates but they meant I got irish stew on the quilt etc. Didn't used to cook at all but try and do so sometimes at the moment.

2. My living rooom sofa. The rest of the room looks the same.

I don't know where to start bt I know starting is the hardest bit. I should try and do half an hour a day.

I am new to this because it is a side effect of botulism (which I got from Botox). it really is a brain thing more than a behavior thing, so don't be hard on yourself.

Vitamin B12 helps brain fog, email typos, etc.

earn=own

I also suspected ADHD as soon as I read your post.

How I cope without medication is basically with lists. Lists for everything. Use Alexa to add something to a list when the thought pops into my head, eg "Alexa add 'Mum birthday card' to the shopping list".

Every morning I write a list of everything I have to do that day (including work as a single list item). At the start of the work day I write another list of what I need to do that day for work specifically.

The TOMM (The Organised Mum Method) app is truly life changing. 30-45 minutes a day, a different list per day of house-related jobs to do.

Also recommend Marie Kondo - less stuff = less overwhelm. And try to make your home decor soothing. Neutral, soft items and low lighting works for me.

Good luck

. Placemarking

Also a perfectionist at work (lawyer), often is a coping strategy for ADHD but it costs a lot of my energy and executive functioning so I have little left for life stuff.

Completely agree with @tilltheend99.

Another one to come on to express solidarity and say you could be describing my own problems! I’d also suggest ADHD. I haven’t been diagnosed but think it explains a lot of my issues.

I am also in awe of people who live like ‘adults’ - how the fuck do they do it?

I could never invite people round without a couple of days notice to tidy up.

Last week my house was immaculate because I’d decided to ‘start afresh’ back to being total shit tip!

Spending ages reading mumsnet doesn’t help though!

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie.

@nonettles ADHD does effect people cognitively as they get older- you could look in to getting an assessment/medication if it resonates with you. It's also partly that our responsibilities increase and the support we have decreases. We shouldn't drink as it makes it worse (all this consultants have told me.) I wouldn't want to stop drinking entirely but I cut down a lot.

For me it did help to accept this is just how I am, it is to some extent a disability, I don't start on a level playing field to other people. So give yourself credit for what you do when it's harder for you than others.

I used to describe it as getting CFS whenever there's some sort of chore to do (I know it's not CFS really though, ut that's what it feels like if I have housework to do. )

Absolutely me too!! In fact ive just ordered some cbd oil to try and im going to seriously commit to medication sessions, once every day!
I feel like im coping with life by just hanging on by the skin of my teeth and something is going to have to give at some point and its a scary feeling.

Isn't it sad how we are all battling our own private demons inside our heads and no one else knows a thing what the person next to you is going through.
Its a hard life and a sad life sometimes.

Honestly, this seems bonkers to me. I teach full time with a two hour commute. I’ve done it for 17 years with three children who were 2; 6 and 10 when I started. I think you need to talk to someone because that’s not normal.

In the meantime, diagnosis or not.
I used to be messy like you and now I'm not.
So some tips:
It costs £25 to get bin privately emptied. Do that asap. Google waste removal and ring them. Do this every time you miss a collection and your brain will reprioritise it. Took me £125 to learn!

Buy a washing machine. Laundrette is a nightmare situation. And a tumble dryer. Or combo of the two.
Put a wash load on every day. 5 mins in morning before work.
The sound of washing machine is soothing and proves to yourself that things are ticking over on housework front. Take it out at lunch and put in tumble dryer. 2 mins max. Take it out when it buzzes and fold then and there. 5 mins.

Hoover every day for 10mins. Maybe not needed if its just you at home.
Wash up every day for 15mins. Could be less if its just you.

Organise wardrobe so things can be got out easily. This will cause a lot less mess. I still havent done this and I'm nearly 50. But we're all on a journey.

Dont buy anything without knowing and planning where it will go. Budget for proper, nice storage over and before you buy more stuff. Dont plan to put things on floor.

My DD is awaiting Assesment for ADHD and this sounds just like her.

I’m glad the thread has you feeling a bit better OP 🙂

I’m very like you during the day, when I’m wfh alone. Really struggle to do anything some days.

I NEED people round me. If I was alone, I dread to think how my lifestyle would be. Working in the office improves my performance and mood, I keep tidy and clean and make real food for my family - not for me.

Also I am generally a bit suspicious of ADHD diagnoses (no disrespect to anyone who has one) because I feel they are sometimes given a bit too readily when doctors are at a loss
And I am a bit dubious about taking medication….. although if it really helps I would consider it. Does anyone who was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD as an adult take medication and find that it helps

Adhd isn’t diagnosed by your GP but by a psychiatrist and before you get to the assessment stage with the psychiatrist there are other health professionals you speak to and forms to fill in and questions to answer.

I was diagnosed as an adult and take meds. Top dose of Elvanse 70mg an amphetamine or Speed
I also top up with what is I think medical MDMA.

To “normal” people they would be totally shitfaced taking this amount of drugs. To me it just puts me in the right frame of mind to unload the dishwasher.

ADD was my first thought too. I'm pretty sure I have it. (Also a grade A school student but that was despite being appallingly badly organised, failing to hand almost all homework in on time, if I did it at all, always having the wrong kit, books, forgetting rehearsals for things etc.)

I find daily life pretty hard mainly because I do almost nothing on automatic. I have to remember and don't. I just forget to get into a routine. My cure is the 5-minute timer. I genuinely regularly forget what the task was before the five minutes is up, but reset the timer and try again.

In 5 mins you can: put on a wash load and fold a dry wash load
or
send one or two pressing emails
or transfer important dates and memos to your diary (or wherever you are most likely to find them
or speed tidy a room, chucking away junk mail, papers, food cartons, dead flowers, hang up bags and coats, pair shoes etc
or
speed clean/refresh a room: wipe surfaces, plump cushions
or
get food from the freezer/make a food shopping list

Even using a 5 minute timer 2-3 times a day makes a massive difference to how on top of life you feel.

@GotToGoBye
Sounds like you are delaying doing things until there is an immovable deadline, because that's the only motivation that works to get you to start something.
The motivations other people have to start just don't work if you have ADHD. So you subconsciously create the one that does = a deadline.
Great if there's enough time before the deadline to actually achieve the task. Shit if there isn't and you feel like you let yourself down.
There's a really good YouTube channel called 'how to adhd', she has a great short episode on this.