To be overwhelmed by normal life.

[nonettles]

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?

The adhd stuff is interesting and I’m going to look at that too.

My guess is that you have high standards but low self esteem and so all the things you haven’t done ‘well’ enough you are using as a stick to beat yourself with. You say f it and don’t do the task but then still sit there berating yourself for 20 minutes instead. Stop talking to yourself like an asshole! That will really really help.

There are some great podcasts on self esteem (unfck your brain etc).

Undiagnosed adhd here too, highly intelligent, great academic success blah blah blah.

My kids are 12 and 9 and it's only in the past few years I've actually managed to gain some control of life.

My tips: forget being perfect and aim for adequate, or not awful. So no need to blitz the entire house, just wash a few dishes and take the bins out.

Easy food. My husband works away during the week and I make oven food for dinner.(he cooks at the weekend) I used to be ashamed or else have these wildly ambitious meal plans that just ended in heartbreak and chaos. Oven food it is. Maybe not the healthiest but it's what I can manage. I also pay for school dinners so I don't have to stress about lunches.

I journal every morning. I write down the very simple tasks I want to achieve that day. These can be, for example, have a shower, or buy toilet roll.

Massive white board in the kitchen for writing reminders on.

Go to bed early. So many of my issues came from exhaustion as I would stay up very late after getting the kids to bed. My reasoning was I needed me time to destress. This was crap. I actually needed sleep. Getting seven or eight hours a night has changed my life.

I think it’s easy for people who don’t have ADHD or poor executive function to give tips because to them it’s a very simple process, but for someone with ADHD it’s a whole different ball game and it’s difficult to understand how overwhelming everything is.

Small example: I would like to have some nice pictures and artwork up on my walls in the house. A neurological person could get this sorted quickly and easily. But me…well, first of got to choose what I want to go on the walls and that takes endless days of trawling the internet for art I like, and that’s difficult because the things I like don’t necessarily go together or match my colour scheme. When I’ve finally decided which prints I like, I’ve got to order them, but they’re all from soft websites so that’s a logistical nightmare with googling for discount codes and working out how be to combine it. Then I’ve got to find frames. But what size frames do I need? Does the frame need to be the same size as the artwork or bigger so I can mount the print? And what colour frames? And IKEA does frames I like in these sizes, but they don’t do one size that I need so I’ve got to find a frame of that size from another shop, but now that doesn’t match the IKEA frame exactly, so should I go for all mismatched frames, and then it’s the problem of them all being from different sites and shops and how to order them and ARGHHHH! This is before I’ve even put the prints in the frames, worked out a nice wall layout and dealt with the issues that drilling holes in the wall presents. A NT person would barely even think about any of this and would just do it but to me this is a two year long problem that I’m nowhere near resolving because I’m too paralysed with being overwhelmed to even take the first step and buy some nice prints. And I look at my walls every day and think my house looks like a student house because there’s nothing on the walls.

TedMullins If the anti depressants don’t work or are not making you feel better look into ADHD as a lot of people are diagnosed with depression but it is ADHD. When they get medicated for ADHD they don’t need the anti depressants.

I felt like this, and recently got my diagnosis of ADHD. Read up on it, once I started REALLY thinking about it and considering my life through this new lens, a lot made sense.
If you think it does for you too I can recommend Psychiatry UK for diagnosis, much quicker than waiting the 4+ years for adult mental health (though has still been approx a year, fingers crossed I'll be getting meds this week!)

My Ds is struggling at getting himself assessed.
He got as far as a telephone call with a social worker who he thinks was given a list of questions and a tick box for ADHD.

Although she said he ticked the boxes for ADHD the fact his sleep patterns and eating habits were all over the place that if he could get those 2 things back on track then he wouldn’t have ADHD and if it didn’t help then she would refer him.
Given irregular sleeping and eating habits are
a sign of ADHD it was in effect saying that he should be less ADHD and then he wouldn’t have ADHD.
He tried to do what she wanted but it was impossible.
The letter he received from her said in effect to try and not be ADHD for 6 weeks and then if it doesn’t cure you of your ADHD then to get back to her and she would think about referring him. Except we have now found out when his 6 weeks was up that he can’t get referred as she has deleted him off the system as he apparently doesn’t have ADHD

He is now back to square one and waiting for a GP’s appointment to get a referral and then he had to wait to get a telephone call to be assessed over the phone by someone who hasn’t a clue what symptoms someone with ADHD struggles with and has their own agenda on referring people.

@Andoffwego

I think it’s easy for people who don’t have ADHD or poor executive function to give tips because to them it’s a very simple process, but for someone with ADHD it’s a whole different ball game and it’s difficult to understand how overwhelming everything is.

Small example: I would like to have some nice pictures and artwork up on my walls in the house. A neurological person could get this sorted quickly and easily. But me…well, first of got to choose what I want to go on the walls and that takes endless days of trawling the internet for art I like, and that’s difficult because the things I like don’t necessarily go together or match my colour scheme. When I’ve finally decided which prints I like, I’ve got to order them, but they’re all from soft websites so that’s a logistical nightmare with googling for discount codes and working out how be to combine it. Then I’ve got to find frames. But what size frames do I need? Does the frame need to be the same size as the artwork or bigger so I can mount the print? And what colour frames? And IKEA does frames I like in these sizes, but they don’t do one size that I need so I’ve got to find a frame of that size from another shop, but now that doesn’t match the IKEA frame exactly, so should I go for all mismatched frames, and then it’s the problem of them all being from different sites and shops and how to order them and ARGHHHH! This is before I’ve even put the prints in the frames, worked out a nice wall layout and dealt with the issues that drilling holes in the wall presents. A NT person would barely even think about any of this and would just do it but to me this is a two year long problem that I’m nowhere near resolving because I’m too paralysed with being overwhelmed to even take the first step and buy some nice prints. And I look at my walls every day and think my house looks like a student house because there’s nothing on the walls.

Oh I literally could have written this. For the first time in my adult life I have 1 piece of wall art, and that's only because I stumbled across it and loved it (so hard to choose usually that I just give up), and crucially, it was pre-framed. I feel one step closer to adulthood.

@Andoffwego

I think it’s easy for people who don’t have ADHD or poor executive function to give tips because to them it’s a very simple process, but for someone with ADHD it’s a whole different ball game and it’s difficult to understand how overwhelming everything is.

Small example: I would like to have some nice pictures and artwork up on my walls in the house. A neurological person could get this sorted quickly and easily. But me…well, first of got to choose what I want to go on the walls and that takes endless days of trawling the internet for art I like, and that’s difficult because the things I like don’t necessarily go together or match my colour scheme. When I’ve finally decided which prints I like, I’ve got to order them, but they’re all from soft websites so that’s a logistical nightmare with googling for discount codes and working out how be to combine it. Then I’ve got to find frames. But what size frames do I need? Does the frame need to be the same size as the artwork or bigger so I can mount the print? And what colour frames? And IKEA does frames I like in these sizes, but they don’t do one size that I need so I’ve got to find a frame of that size from another shop, but now that doesn’t match the IKEA frame exactly, so should I go for all mismatched frames, and then it’s the problem of them all being from different sites and shops and how to order them and ARGHHHH! This is before I’ve even put the prints in the frames, worked out a nice wall layout and dealt with the issues that drilling holes in the wall presents. A NT person would barely even think about any of this and would just do it but to me this is a two year long problem that I’m nowhere near resolving because I’m too paralysed with being overwhelmed to even take the first step and buy some nice prints. And I look at my walls every day and think my house looks like a student house because there’s nothing on the walls.

Oh yes - i do all of this. We had cardboard instead of curtains for a year.

I just thought it was normal and other people were faster at deciding, not that they didn’t think like this at all.

Could you be neurodivergent? I felt like this (although generally managed to keep on top of most things there was a big mental health cost to it) and I’m now midway through an assessment to see if I have autism.

@Andoffwego

Is anyone else on this thread really good at doing, like, one household chore regularly but an absolute disaster in all other respects? I am a laundry MACHINE. I put a wash on most days, never forget to take it out of the machine when it’s finished, get it dried off, fold it, and put it away. It’s like I have taught myself to do this one thing perfectly almost like it’s a muscle memory. But every other household chore…simply doesn’t happen.

@Andoffwego yes! Totally the same! I love doing laundry and it feels easy and satisfying. I enjoy it so I do it. All the other cleaning, not so much.

I now realise my ADHh needs me to find enjoyment in something for it to happen, so for example I use podcasts or good music to get me into enough of a dopamine state to push through and clean the kitchen. Turn the music off though, and I just slither back to the sofa.

Just realised I didn’t share what has helped me! Sorry.

I figured that I’m always going to struggle to do all the stuff, so I scaled my expectations of myself right back. Taking your ideal day as an example:

I shower in the evenings so that’s not part of my morning routine. If I can’t face full makeup I put on primer, darken my brows, and add mascara and lipstick - that way I look slightly more pulled together without having to do the whole thing. I empty the dishwasher in the evenings and stack it through the day so there isn’t lots of cleaning up to do after meals. Choose easy, minimal effort lunches and dinners - even a ready meal, or instant noodles with a handful of frozen veg and some peanut butter mixed in is better than just bread and ice cream. You don’t have to cook from fresh every day.

Keep ironing to a minimum and could you get a washer dryer? So much easier than laundrette trips.

You don’t have to do extra stuff after work like call friends - keep those to days you don’t have to work!

I am like this but I have two children and it's killing me. There's a certain Amount that has to be done like washing and food and tidying toys which I'm on top of but even though we have a cleaner the house isn't as clean as I'd like for my children. I've tried all these methods but find it so hard to stick to because my work (4 days a week, from home) is often so intense I have zero energy left once the children are in bed.

So glad you posted this and following for tips

@Kennykenkencat

NeverDropYourMooncup*

How about we pare down your working day a bit

Loved your post.
Having ADHD though I couldn’t actually read it as my brain switched off but I got the gist.

I think for a non ND person it is a case of altering small things, getting into a routine and sticking to it.

For someone with ADHD we know we need to get into a routine, we know we need to declutter, we know we need to just even do one thing each day.
We know what is wrong. We just don’t have the brain power to do it or stick to it

The other day I decided to write down a few bits I needed doing and then doing them and ticking them off the list

The problem I have is that each thing I need to do is shouting at me to do it first and the shouts get louder, and the more I think of what I need to do the list gets longer and the shouting gets louder until I get to a stage where I am overwhelmed and need to get away from the shouting. My brain shuts down. I have a coffee and nothing gets done.

I lost interest in typing it about five times - spotted I hadn't got around to finishing or posting it just as dp brought tea in...

There have been a few people saying it's too late for them to seek a diagnosis. It's really not. The benefits of medication have gone beyond improving work performance for me. I'm actually happier on my meds because my brain no longer has thoughts bouncing around my brain like eleventy million bouncy balls. My brain is just calmer and my quality of life has improved. I'd say that you deserve that no matter what age you are.

I've remembered a tip that I use quite a lot, using lists to advantage. I have a post it pad at work that I write my next 3 tasks on, broken down as small as I need, and I put it where my eyes would roughly come to rest, so that every time I'm distracted I end up looking at my short list which reminds me what I'm supposed to be doing. (I don't have to do this any more on meds!!!!!)

If I'm trying to get work done in the house, a sorting/cleaning sort of day, I'll do similar, except leave my list, big writing on A4, at the same point in my kitchen where I always migrate back to, which reminds me that I'm cleaning the bathroom and go back there and to put down the paperwork I'd randomly began to sort instead. I think it is basically externalising everything because my brain is basically a toddler and all my paper lists act like the responsible adult.

I also sometimes meal plan, written down in a proper planner, on a Sunday, so when Thursday rolls around I know I'm eating xyz. Actually, I kinda have to do that as I've got 2 small kids to feed, but they do eat a lot of pasta.

Okay, just thinking about coping mechanisms/life work arounds etc. I don't know who needs to hear this but:

It is genuinely harder to adult if you have ADHD. Be kind to yourself.

I'm exactly like this too, my house is a complete mess. my bed is piled with clean clothes that I've washed just never get round to putting away so I just have one small side of my bed in which to sleep. I too find everyday things just completely overwhelming. I think for me my hoarding tendencies do not help with the clutter and mess in my house but no matter how hard I try to part with things I just cannot seem to do it as it causes me extreme stress and anxiety. I hate it.

A lot of this resonates, although I have never thought of myself in that way. But the flitting form task to task, and the post about the challenges involved in getting artwork up on the wall really made me think.
My DS20 almost certainly has ADHD or ADD, he is academically gifted and and I think this masked the condition, although he has always struggled with organisation and motivation.
He crashed out of uni in the first term, and has been wallowing at home since. We don't how to help him. I've tried handholding him through routines etc and it just doesn't work. But I can't keep on doing everything for him, it's no good for either of us.
If those of you with the condition have any suggestions...... is medication the answer?

It definitely sounds like ADHD. And contrary to what you seem to believe, it's incredibly UNDERdiagnosed in girls/women precisely because most of us find coping mechanisms and manage to mask it really well. It's common to be intelligent and a high achiever despite the executive functioning difficulties, particularly if it's comorbid with autism, which it often is.

What I never realised was just how hard I had to work compared to other people to get my good grades. I simply wasn't able to go out partying in exam season and do a few hours' study before the exam like other people. I need to be completely rested, with 8-9 hours's sleep every night, to even function at all, and my study conditions had to be perfect. Any kind of distraction like a flickering light or someone talking would ruin my focus and it would take ages to get it back. I did not realise as a younger person just how many sacrifices I had to make to do well at school/uni.

I wish so much I'd been diagnosed earlier because it's not just about academics - it's ruined a lot of relationships as well. Partners have seen me as lazy and careless because I'm so messy. I actually despise mess but just don't have the executive function to be able to keep on top of all the little things you need to do to maintain tidiness and order. I don't seem to be able to 'see' it until it's too late and the flat is a pig sty. It's been a bit better since my diagnosis, but it's still a daily battle. One thing that helps is that I made a promise to myself to NEVER go to bed without doing the dishes and wiping the surfaces. I always used to forget, and walking into a dirty kitchen and a sink full of pots and pans would mean the next day started badly and I felt even more shit about myself, and it was a vicious circle.

For me the biggest issue I have is prioritisation. I find it really hard to know what I should do first, and so all the tasks I have to do are just swimming around my head, and I often then get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. Or start a load of different things because I'll be, say, cleaning the bathroom and then go into the kitchen to get a product I need, and then in the kitchen I realise the hob is really dirty so I start cleaning that, and then forget about the bathroom, so nothing ever gets completed, which means I never get the 'buzz' most people get from completing tasks. It all just feels so endless and enormous. And it's not laziness, because I'm working hard to do all these things, and then I don't have any downtime. So I'm putting in loads of work for no reward - wouldn't anyone get depressed and frustrated by that? I try to manage it by making a list of everything I need to do in a day and then ordering them by priority (for example, paying a bill NEEDS to be done, so that should be first, then I should put on a wash so I have clean clothes for work, then I can clean the bathroom, etc.) I don't think most neurotypicals realise just how hard this is for us, because it comes very naturally to them. It's just obvious to them what they should do first and what can wait, but it really isn't obvious to us at all. And this can fuck up your life massively and have serious consequences for things like jobs and relationships.

OP you sound like me. It would be worth starting toward a diagnosis for adhd. Meds can make the world of difference. Good luck!

my bedroom looks like it belongs to a drunk teenager < this made me laugh! Me too - at nearly 50 I aspire to have a bedroom that looks like it belongs to a grown up…always a work in progress

Hi OP, I just came on to say as others have, - please consider looking into ADHD.

I too am a woman in my 30s, and I have suffered from depression, low energy, anxiety and a feeling of being overwhelmed for my entire adult life. I live in a chronically messy house and surrounded by chaos, I constantly have no money as I impulsively overspend, I have always been overweight and drink too much.

However, I was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and it has honestly changed my life!!! It has given me the push to leave the professional career I hated which left me feeling depressed, inadequate and suicidal at times. I now run my own business and couldn’t be happier, my admin and paperwork are chaotic but the essentials get done on time 😂 My house is still a tip, I still am impulsive with spending and eating, which I am working on, but I’m learning to be kinder to myself.

I too was a straight A student at school, only because I have the typical ADHD traits of ‘hyper focus’ under pressure (crammed the night before exams) a great short term memory and also the ability to think very quickly when required and for this reason I resisted perusing a diagnosis when it was suggested by the NHS consultant I was seeing for depression.

So my point is, please don’t think that just because you did well at school doesn’t mean you cannot have ADHD. Whilst I always excelled in exams, I struggled with organisation, talking out of turn (and therefore often in trouble) and ‘fitting in’ which I now know are due to ADHD. Please look into it! I have tried medication which hasn’t really helped my impulsivity or organisation, but just having the diagnosis and the knowledge and acceptance has been such a life changer for me. Because I am happier in myself I am finding I am having more energy to deal with the house work, even if I do save it up for about 2 weeks……

People how say ‘just do it as you go along’ infuriate me. I know I should, but something in my ADHD brain prevents me from doing things I know I should do! But now instead of beating myself up for not washing up everyday (couldn’t live without a dishwasher!!!) I tell myself that no one ever died as they didn’t wash up, and I know I’ll do it eventually. At the end of the day my messy house isn’t hurting anyone 😂

Cut out things that don't matter. I don't shower every day (I do every 2), I don't wear makeup on the daily, not every meal needs to be complex - toast, scrambled eggs, a sandwich. I never iron anything and I only dust once a month.

Set up a weekly repeat order of loo roll etc. Stop trying to be perfect and lower your standards to a level you can actually keep up with and not get run down from.

DelphiniumBlue

A lot of this resonates, although I have never thought of myself in that way. But the flitting form task to task, and the post about the challenges involved in getting artwork up on the wall really made me think
My DS20 almost certainly has ADHD or ADD, he is academically gifted and and I think this masked the condition, although he has always struggled with organisation and motivation
He crashed out of uni in the first term, and has been wallowing at home since. We don't how to help him. I've tried handholding him through routines etc and it just doesn't work. But I can't keep on doing everything for him, it's no good for either of us
If those of you with the condition have any suggestions...... is medication the answer

Definitely medication. It does take time to find the right type and right amount.

Tried Ritalin for a while and it had absolutely no effect. I might as well of been having a Smartie for breakfast the good it did.

Dd was on the non amphetamine type for a couple of weeks but she got really bad side effects from those.

No amount of helping him to be organised is going to do anything as he physically the dopamine is not getting to a certain part of his brain

ADHD isn’t just a feeling of being overwhelmed, or lazy or just not bright enough to do anything that with a bit of organisation and help you can get over . It is a physical disability.

I take huge amounts of drugs prescribed by my psychiatrist that are also sold on the streets as Speed and ecstasy.
I think 2 Ecstacy tablets and 70mg of Speed per day would probably have a terrible effect on a “normal” person who was getting the right amount of dopamine to the brain.

The only effect it has on me is I get the urge to do the laundry and deal with admin or just go and do a days work.

Also DelphiniumBlue remember that ADHD is genetic so you or his father or both of you could also have ADHD

Oh my good lord are you me?

I am 53 and have got progressively worse at 'adulting' over the years.
I am utterly utterly overwhelmed with life.
I used to be a teacher (and I am absolutely in my element working with kids) but couldn't cope with the demands of the paperwork and justifying of my very existence so am now a TA.
I have a degree. I am clever and creative and used to run a department in a school.
I have 2 kids - both have ASCs and DD has ADD. My house is a shit tip. The spare room bed is piled with clothing that is clean but needs sorting and putting away. The kitchen is a disaster zone. EVERYWHERE I look there is chaos.
I have tired Flylady (but the concept of putting on lace up shoes everyday was way too much for my rule loving brain as I HATE shoes and wear them as little as possible) and TOMM (but 30 minutes isn't enough to get it PERFECT) and I feel like a failure.
I am very very good at the 'oh shit oh shit my mum is coming' clean but day to day I can't cope.

I cook daily and we are all fed and clothed (if crumpled!) but as I walk around the house I just see evidence of my shitness.
For example the 'big shower' needs the grout cleaning. I have soem stuff to put on but it needs leaving overnight. Thursday last week was the perfect day to do this as my son wasn't in school on Friday so could have skipped a shower just this once. Thursday I came home knackered but planning to sort the shower. I made a cup of tea and set my mental alarm for 30 mins sit down. I cooked dinner. I spoke to my parents. At about 10.30pm as I was heading to bed I realised I had not done the shower. Thing was I had sat and 'planned' in my brain exactly the steps it would take - and then not fucking done them.

I KNOW what I should be doing. I know a little bit each day would be perfect to keep the house under control leaving time for the bigger jobs like washing the curtains and cleaning the skirting boards but I just can't.

I want it to be perfect. And it never will be. And it defeats me and I feel like an utter failure.

(I suspect I am not NT. My Dad certainly isn't and my Grandma wasn't either)

[quote StrychnineInTheSandwiches]adhd was my first thought

www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394[/quote]
Just read (OK skimmed - I don't focus well enough for detailed reading...) this article and it fits me to a T apart form the work bit because I work in a classroom (although there are times when I wish they'd all just shut up!)

I do think I have an issue with Social media/technology and how it eats up my time but I wonder if I'm using it to distract myself from what I know I need to do but can't achieve? Before the rise of the interwebs I watched far too much TV - going so far as to watch kids Saturday TV instead of doing my Saturday housework.