To be overwhelmed by normal life.

[nonettles]

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?

I am the same way. I have been meaning to go to the pharmacy for about five days and I haven't gotten there yet.

I believe I have ADHD. I'm really clever (not boasting) and inventive. Just can't do ordinary stuff - it causes me so much stress.

I knew other mnetters would come through for you- I only learned to adult when I had kids and even then I'm always trying to catch up. Yanbu, everyone in life has a lot to deal with and you are honestly totally probably doing a zillion times better than you think you are. Make sure you don't be do hard on yourself and hopefully some stuff above helps

Is anyone else on this thread really good at doing, like, one household chore regularly but an absolute disaster in all other respects?
I am a laundry MACHINE. I put a wash on most days, never forget to take it out of the machine when it’s finished, get it dried off, fold it, and put it away. It’s like I have taught myself to do this one thing perfectly almost like it’s a muscle memory. But every other household chore…simply doesn’t happen.

One tip - get a 'food calendar' up on the kitchen wall and log use-by dates of perishables on it.

This is such a helpful thread. Thank you OP for starting it because it’s made me think about a lot of stuff and I’m quite amazed by the revelations from people and by articles on the internet. I’ve struggled to cope all my life in the ways that you and others have described and as a Grandma, I feel it’s too late to actively seek help. But, reading this thread has made me understand that I’m not my own and that there are others like me. I’m so glad you’ve found the comments helpful and hope you can get the help you need.

Thanks everyone. It’s funny you mention ADHD. It has crossed my mind (specifically ADD), but I got through school perfectly okay (straight A student). Also I am generally a bit suspicious of ADHD diagnoses (no disrespect to anyone who has one) because I feel they are sometimes given a bit too readily when doctors are at a loss?
And I am a bit dubious about taking medication….. although if it really helps I would consider it. Does anyone who was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD as an adult take medication and find that it helps

Was going to offer structured help, but then you said the above . . ....

Get your ADHD diagnosed and medicated would be my advice :)

I, too, wasn't told I might have this until my 40s BTW. I don't think I have the whole thing but enough to impair.

Thanks everyone. It’s funny you mention ADHD. It has crossed my mind (specifically ADD), but I got through school perfectly okay (straight A student).

I have a 1st from a red brick uni (just saying that to illustrate.) There are professors who have ADHD such as
www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Marius-Potgieter/e/B00J8O5KMW/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_book_1?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also I am generally a bit suspicious of ADHD diagnoses (no disrespect to anyone who has one) because I feel they are sometimes given a bit too readily when doctors are at a loss?

I think most of us in the thread have been diagnosed as adults, and that isn't easy. I think it's probably still very much undiagnosed anyway, especially in girls or children who are academic/intelligent. And if doctors use the diagnosis to try and help children or adults when nothing else has helped then that's a good thing, not that doctors/others shouldn't also keep an open mind as to what else might be going on or might help of course.

ADHD doesn't mean nothing can be done necessarily, there are strategies and stuff people can try, as others have described in this thread. For me a diagnosis was just helpful for self-acceptance/self-knowledge.

And I am a bit dubious about taking medication….. although if it really helps I would consider it. Does anyone who was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD as an adult take medication and find that it helps

I know that it transforms people's lives. I have no reason to disbelieve that. If it didn't work for adults the NHS wouldn't prescribe it for them, or it wouldn't be licensed for use in general or whatever. The standards for a medication being permitted for use are quite stringent.

People do best when they take medication in tandem with strategies, lists or whatever.

If someone doesn't find it helpful or dislikes it they don't have to carry on taking it, so it's worth a go for a while. I didn't have a good experience but that's due to having a dreadful consultant for it and another condition too.

Is anyone else on this thread really good at doing, like, one household chore regularly but an absolute disaster in all other respects?

@Andoffwego I'm ok at having a (cold cos I don't put the water heating on) bath.

Also having a clean loo. I think that's something about how easy it is to get that from not being clean to fine, and how important it would be to someone's perception of me if someone happened to go in there.

Executive dysfunction. I have it but not really told anyone. My life has been truly chaotic in the past and has only improved with a very organised and patient DH!

Look up A Slob Comes Clean on youtube she also has 2 books. She is amazing! Honestly I'm a lazy person, don't understand how some people have the get up and go attitude that keeps their house spotless. So she has really helped me to battle my slob nature and keep my house better. Can't recommend her enough

I recognise some of my own challenges in your post and have been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. It may be worth exploring and researching some coping techniques / methods.

Agreed a slob comes clean is fantastic and I’ve recently discovered Clutter Bug who is even better.

Was also a straight A student and have maintained a high standard of work in my career, now running my own business.

I think ADHD is often misrepresented as hyper / naughty kids when it can present so differently in different people.

Reading other people's experiences of ADHD (and bipolar which I am also diagnosed with) was like reading words I could have written verbatim. In that sense it helped as people shared and understood my challenges.

I've also unconsciously developed coping techniques over the years that have seen me through school, uni, workplaces and now running my business.

Colour coding, list after list after list, assigning specific amounts of time to tasks, holding myself accountable with checklists, sticking to routine even when it feels hugely tough to do so etc. All things I didn't realise other people don't need to absolutely graft to do, that other people don't feel utterly exhausted by.

Plus a constant stream of a million different thoughts in the background, constantly.

It really is exhausting. And yet we often have insomnia too...

My best friend was diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s, she sounded a lot like you beforehand. She was an excellent student, went to a top uni and did really well. The dr that finally diagnosed her said she’s just done a great job of coming up with coping strategies.

Also, are you finding you’re exhausted after what seems to be like a full night sleep? Consider sleep apnea. It can present differently than the stereotype in women so even if you don’t fit the profile. If that’s the case, go see a sleep specialist.

@nonettles

Thanks everyone. It’s funny you mention ADHD. It has crossed my mind (specifically ADD), but I got through school perfectly okay (straight A student). Also I am generally a bit suspicious of ADHD diagnoses (no disrespect to anyone who has one) because I feel they are sometimes given a bit too readily when doctors are at a loss? And I am a bit dubious about taking medication….. although if it really helps I would consider it. Does anyone who was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD as an adult take medication and find that it helps?

As some one who diagnosis I would never offer a diagnosis when at a loss. Patients have to meet well established diagnosis criteria.

The fact that you’re referencing getting through school with straight As shows you don’t know much about ADHD, especially women with ADHD so very much worth accepting this and looking into it.

This kind of thing is like looking in the mirror to me OP, just sharing in case it is to you too and makes you think it's worth exploring ADHD seriously.

"Many gifted students with ADHD are told by professionals that an ADHD diagnosis is impossible given their high level of achievement. This sad, but common occurrence — a denial of the possibility of ADHD — results in many gifted individuals never receiving treatment that can help them to feel and function at their best. Although achievement may be high, what is often ignored is the very high price paid to do so — including chronic anxiety, sleep deprivation, neglected relationships, non-existent social life, disorganized living environment and nagging self-doubts."

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This kind of thing is like looking in the mirror to me OP, just sharing in case it is to you too and makes you think it's worth exploring ADHD seriously.

"Many gifted students with ADHD are told by professionals that an ADHD diagnosis is impossible given their high level of achievement. This sad, but common occurrence — a denial of the possibility of ADHD — results in many gifted individuals never receiving treatment that can help them to feel and function at their best. Although achievement may be high, what is often ignored is the very high price paid to do so — including chronic anxiety, sleep deprivation, neglected relationships, non-existent social life, disorganized living environment and nagging self-doubts."

Strike through not mine, just due to dashed in the quote.

NeverDropYourMooncup*

How about we pare down your working day a bit

Loved your post.
Having ADHD though I couldn’t actually read it as my brain switched off but I got the gist.

I think for a non ND person it is a case of altering small things, getting into a routine and sticking to it.

For someone with ADHD we know we need to get into a routine, we know we need to declutter, we know we need to just even do one thing each day.
We know what is wrong. We just don’t have the brain power to do it or stick to it

The other day I decided to write down a few bits I needed doing and then doing them and ticking them off the list

The problem I have is that each thing I need to do is shouting at me to do it first and the shouts get louder, and the more I think of what I need to do the list gets longer and the shouting gets louder until I get to a stage where I am overwhelmed and need to get away from the shouting. My brain shuts down. I have a coffee and nothing gets done.

I feel they are sometimes given a bit too readily when doctors are at a loss
that’s very wide of the mark @nonettles especially as a female - they aren’t diagnosed nearly as much as males. Most people have the hyperactive picture in their mind when they think of ADHD and many GPs don’t “believe” in it. Via the NHS it can take years to get a diagnosis as an adult.

When I was young I was a classic case, messy, disorganised, distracted, unable to scribble things down from the board on time, always losing things. I was in and out of the Ed Psych’s office. As an adult I found myself low on motivation; lots of unfinished projects, a messy house, great intentions never fulfilled. I managed to gain an MSc and a reasonable job but I peddled hard, wishing I could be a proper grown up like everyone else.

What really felled me was the menopause, suddenly the overwhelm I’d always felt was out of control. At the same time my 16yo DD was turning out to be a chip off the old block. The similarities were so great that I began to investigate. When I researched Inattentive ADHD (ADD as was) it was like someone had described my life to a T. I began to question whether the “lazy” and the “stupid” labels were correct.

My daughter was diagnosed and I went private and was diagnosed shortly after. The psychiatrist I saw made a two hour assessment. She described our problem with dopamine; we ADHDers struggle to “use” dopamine efficiently which stops us focussing and can lead to edging behaviours; risk taking to try and kick off some dopamine, it’s why we do everything last minute too

I was prescribed 50mg of Elvanse which I take once a day. The first time I took it I didn’t feel any different and just got on with my day and the things I needed to get done - and THAT was a revelation when I looked back over the day! I realised that I’d focussed. I’d started a task and finished. It sounds simple but it was life changing. But I was also sad: if this was what it was like to have a normal brain then I understood why I’d struggled. Medication isn’t a magic bullet and it’s helpful to have some coaching to help with executive functioning once you can concentrate. It’s worth investigating. I am so glad I did.

@Notlostjustexploring

Sounds like me - diagnosed at age 34 with ADHD.

Things that help (other than meds):

Less stuff. Seriously, just get rid of as much as you can
The pomodoro technique, so timing yourself for x minutes to do a task.
Before meds, I drank ( a lot) of coffee, which helped.
Lists, multiple notepads, externalise everything.
Wearing shoes that don't need socks, cause I can never find a pair.
More getting rid of stuff
Regular exercise
Work out systems that work for you, not systems that people say should work
More decluttering

House is still a shit tip, but it slowly improving. It was really really bad when I lived myself years ago.

Yes, all these things have really helped me too. I suspect I've got ADD but I'm too old to bother with diagnosis now.

It's such a relief when you recognise it's a condition, rather than just not being arsed! It doesn't mean I let myself off the hook but I don't blame myself any more which doesn't help anyway and makes things worse.

I find it helps to just focus on a part of the task, and not think about all of the things that need doing. It's less overwhelming. I've developed a more positive self talk, so I'll give myself a positive remark for everything I've achieved.

I also prepare things as far as possible in advance. So if I'm leaving the house in the morning, I'll get everything together the night before and leave it by the front door so I don't forget anything.

During lock down I spent a few minutes every day organising things, so I've got a place for everything. E.g. I've got plastic organisers in my cupboards for things like stationery, first aid, cleaning products etc. It's a faff to set it up but now I don't have to think about where things go any more or where I keep stuff and it's much easier to put things away as I just pull out the container, rather than having to constantly keep the cupboard tidy which would be much more effort.

I don't permanently keep lists as I can't keep it up but I do for periods of time when I can't get things done or when I need to get a larger task completed, like tidying up a room that's got really messy.

Good luck OP, and stop being so hard on yourself.

Also if you've got any friends that also struggle, could you take turns in helping each other to tidy up? I find it so much easier if I've got someone to chat too. Failing that I put something on TV or listen to a podcast while I'm tidying to avoid the tedium of it!

Just another one here saying this is me! I have got diagnosed depression (in a chronic sense rather than being actively depressed right now) and I don’t know if this is a symptom of it but I’m the same, single and live alone and can barely drag myself out of bed. I have a dog and I think I tend to his needs better than I do my own! I wish I knew the answer, for me it’s just having a cleaning blitz day every weekend, then it declines into disarray during the week again…

Your list of things that you would like to get done on an ideal day is frankly huge. I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed! No one can work an 8 hour day, exercise, clean, go to the laundrette, have phone calls with family and do additional hobbies all on the same day.

You are overwhelming yourself because you're setting your own standards too high. As a starting point, see if you can eat 3 proper meals in a day and build from there in small steps. You don't have to be wonder woman, you just have to function.

It might also be worth seeking some counselling if you haven't already (apologies if this has already been suggested, haven't rtft).