To be overwhelmed by normal life.

[nonettles]

Well I know I am BU but I would like to know if anyone feels the same?

I have nothing truly difficult to cope with. I am single, no kids. Have loving wider family. Plenty of friends. Good job (working from home at the moment).

I just find I’m not very competent at life in general and get constantly overwhelmed. Examples:

There is food in my fridge going off. I missed the bins two weeks in a row. I ran out of toilet paper 2 days ago and am using kitchen roll. I have run out of clean clothes. The house is a tip. I haven’t eaten any proper meals all day today, just bread and ice cream. I know that these things are bad, I am bot proud or happy about being in this state, but I am just weary and have reached a state of apathy. If I sort myself out (which usually takes up a whole weekend) I will have a lovely clean house and clothes for a day or two, and then it will slide again by the end of the week and I’ll be right back again to square one and this same situation next Saturday.

I know I need a routine to keep on top of things on an ongoing basis and do washing and cleaning every day but there just don’t seem to be enough hours in the day and I have no energy or motivation left in my body. Looking after myself seems such hard work- I have NO IDEA how people with children cope.

On an ideal day I know I need to be: getting up and showered and dressed doing hair and makeup etc and tidying up as I go, making breakfast and cleaning up after, working for 8 hours, making and cleaning up lunch, making and cleaning up dinner, doing home admin, going to laundrette, ironing if needed, exercising, shopping for stuff, meet or call a friend / my mum, do some cleaning or tidying round before bed, doing something relaxing and fun like reading or knitting or yoga. It sounds so utterly basic and the sort of lifestyle I should be able to have and even elderly people can manage (I am just 33!) but it all feels so overwhelming to me. I have “started fresh” with everything in order so many times but I just can’t keep it up.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like such a failure as an adult. I have always been scatty but it has got worse as I have got older, not better, I think due to declining energy levels and general decline in motivation and joie de vie. Sometimes I wonder if I’m getting early dementia. My memory is shocking and my emails are full of typos, which they didn’t used to be. And I’m not good at “thinking on the spot” any more. I don’t think I am depressed, because I don’t feel sad. I can find enjoyment in life and I think I would be very happy if ONLY I could get my shit together.

Anyone else feel like this?
Anyone got ideas how I can sort myself out?

I thought ADHD too
But then I can be very similar (certainly would be more so if I didn’t have kids to mean I have to make myself do things) and I don’t have any diagnosis

@rubyandbel

I think you should look into hypothyroidism. Maybe request a blood test from doctor. I sound just like you when I miss a few of my tablets. Google the symptoms. Under active thyroid.

Thanks, I will look into this. I think a trip to the doctor is required.

First thing I thought when I read this was ADHD

You are talking yourself out of doing anything by making that big list of everything you "have" to do so that it sounds impossible. Forget make up for one, do hair as simply as possible. Food - you can eat healthy enough preparing very simple food, no need to cook like a chef 3x per day. It's fine to eat something small or skip a meal if not hungry. Home admin - this is once every 2 weeks or less. Laundry - if you live alone, wfh, and don't exercise, you use hardly any clothes, so this would also be every 2 weeks. Forget ironing. Shopping - once a week. Buying toilet paper - this could be once every six months. So each day there is not much to do really. There is really no need to have a routine that includes all that.

I have no idea how people manage, modern human society is bewildering, loyd, fast, hectic, full of confrontation & battles. It exhausts me just clinging on to this wild horse we're supposed to ride with ease. I think with me it is ASD traits, as in many in my family, but I just want a simple, quiet life with my dog

I could have written your post OP. I am diagnosed combined-type ADHD (diagnosed as an adult). I am an educated professional, single, no kids, and my house is a disaster! I have list after list from trying to get organised. The problem I have is that I can plan things, schedule things, etc... but if I start to hyper focus or if there is too much stuff on the to-do list it becomes overwhelming and very stressful. I have to work really hard to stay on track. The last week I've been flat out with work so the house is due to be declared a disaster zone any minute!

I am on meds - they do help to a degree but it's still hard work and the meds become less effective after a time. They help me more with focusing with work. If I manage to get on top of things then I have to really work at maintaining bite sized chunks of tasks and forcing myself to just do things as I go. If it strays even a little bit - it spirals. I've done the "fresh start" you talk about more times than I can count.

It very much sounds like you have inattentive or combined type ADHD. I wish I could wave a magic wand - sadly there isn't one. How you deal with it is very much up to you. Meds aren't a cure - they're a tool to help. Some days they work better than others. And things like diet, exercise etc... ALL affect how much they help. Everything has an effect.

What I am in the process of doing at the moment is going for extreme simplicity. I'm removing everything from my life that is "clutter" - be that physical or mental. I'm focusing on the key priorities and nothing more for a while. Stripping things back... devising a lifestyle and routine that works for me and putting the time into making it a consistent habit without too many things to trigger my ADHD. It's a process. You're not alone though - honestly - I was reading your post wondering if you were in my house!

ADHD diagnosis definitely isn’t given too readily, especially to adult women. Very few GP’s even know anything about how the condition presents in women.

I was recently diagnosed as ADHD and autistic. You sound a lot like me OP. I’d look into it

Hmm, I do agree that working from home when one lives alone can sap energy/motivation. I always feel more alive when I go into the office. How often do you see people face to face? Any chance of changing job to one with an actual workplace?

Also, think you should sort some very basic and reliable meals, so you are eating properly with minimum faff.

I'd rule out low vitamin D too.

£40 to test privately if your GP won't.

[quote StrychnineInTheSandwiches]adhd was my first thought

www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394[/quote]
That sums me up

I’m like this. I’ve been through feral periods, especially when I lived by myself. I’m good at work, never late or off sick. And quite sociable & out-going. But when it comes to organising myself & my home life...

My DH is similar, so sometimes our house is a bit chaotic. I feel like I’m always playing catch-up. When I see other people enjoying their weekends, like going for brunch or the theatre, I wonder where they get the time!

We have a child now, so I really want to change. And bring order to our lives...

I’m with you OP. I struggle with a lot of this stuff too, although I’m good at hiding it so people think I’m organised… I think I’m on the autism spectrum but am high functioning, if that makes sense.

I think it’s easy to medicalise things and attach a ‘disorder’ to ourselves, but in truth I’m not sure this helps as it’s something to blame and abdicate control (I don’t mean this to sound harsh),

I’ve found that there is a lot I can control and I have learnt to manage myself. One of my problems is guilt for example - I’m not like other women, who manage to remember birthdays and do nice things for people. I’m just in my own little world half the time. I know I’m annoying socially. But I have to remind myself to accept that and just be the best I can be.
I do wish I could explain to people sometimes though, but it sounds like an excuse!

@nonettles omg we should be friends. I could’ve written your post!!! So interesting- I don’t agree you have ADHD- I think we have very high standards and I am literally the exact same as you; feeling I’m falling short constantly because I can’t keep up the ‘normal/basic’ tasks of life that should be so easy!! I am 34, pregnant with my first baby and honestly… it’s been like a holiday for me. Never in my life have I done so little, or sat down so much!!!! I literally have not been able to physically carry on rushing around trying my best at everything for the first time in my whole life. Also another thing I think I’ve learnt is that most people don’t share our high standards and actually do very little. I work very very hard and that takes 95% of my mental capacity every day. Anything I do I try and do to the maximum; but to me the ‘maximum’ isn’t very much- that’s the difference! I think most people have quite low standards and as a result have energy to deal with the minutiae of life. I hate going on holiday normally as I think it’s a waste of time 😂 I wonder if you are the same! Xo

You sound like you could be depressed. This is how I feel when I’m depressed, it’s a huge struggle to keep on top of things because everything is so exhausting.

Hope you can get some help whatever it is because it’s horrible to feel so down on yourself. You feel such pressure to do xyz then awful guilt that you aren’t doing xyz. Plus the constant knowledge that everyone else is managing to do xyz plus abc. It’s just too much.

@alfagirl73 @BoPeeple @sjxoxo I actually feel a bit teary 🥲
It’s literally so wonderful to hear that there are others out there like me. Whether it is or it isn’t ADHD. The struggle is so real- but also so hidden, I feel so ashamed of my secret incompetence.
And yes, I am a massive perfectionist at work, I do give everything 100%, or at least I always have done. The last few months have been getting me down and I have started saying “fuck it”, because I literally cannot handle stuff anymore, and this makes me feel bad.

@Kanaloa

You sound like you could be depressed. This is how I feel when I’m depressed, it’s a huge struggle to keep on top of things because everything is so exhausting.

Hope you can get some help whatever it is because it’s horrible to feel so down on yourself. You feel such pressure to do xyz then awful guilt that you aren’t doing xyz. Plus the constant knowledge that everyone else is managing to do xyz plus abc. It’s just too much.

Oh yes. The pressure, the stress, the self-blame. It’s really horrid.

@Atozofpoodles

I can relate, suspect I have adhd, has this crossed your mind?

I was thinking the same.

I'm like this and it can be some ADHD traits @nonettles . People can have traits without necessarily having the whole thing, and the traits can be impairing. People can have done well academically etc and still have it.

But no one's perfect, we're all a bit crap really one way or another.

I'm getting therapy to try and do better with food (deliveroo etc addiction) and also try and improve my sleep routine (I can't make myself keep to a bed time. )

Whether I am depressed, autistic, have ADHD, hyperthyroidism, vitamin deficiencies or not, I feel so SEEN and validated by you lovely lot this evening and I am so so grateful

Set yourself one task one day.....eg clear the lounge (Even if means moving it to another room)...that's it...when you done it...wow....next task...do a food shop.....I have a black bin bag in corridor... anything fir charity goes in there....it gets full very quick...

Controversial but...

Is any of this internet related? I logged out of Twitter and MN last night as I was so behind with stuff. Just logged back in now. I think I'm going to do that more often, or have an hour limit.

As one of my friends said "the trouble with the internet is it's there".

I nearly decided I had ADHD. I don't. I just need to relearn life without constant distraction.

Sounds like me - diagnosed at age 34 with ADHD.

Things that help (other than meds):

Less stuff. Seriously, just get rid of as much as you can
The pomodoro technique, so timing yourself for x minutes to do a task.
Before meds, I drank ( a lot) of coffee, which helped.
Lists, multiple notepads, externalise everything.
Wearing shoes that don't need socks, cause I can never find a pair.
More getting rid of stuff
Regular exercise
Work out systems that work for you, not systems that people say should work
More decluttering

House is still a shit tip, but it slowly improving. It was really really bad when I lived myself years ago.

I'm quite like this too but moreso since having DC. I'm quite a low energy type of person generally but I suspect I'm low in vit D and possibly others. Feeling so lethargic and it's more so after the clocks change and the darkness draws in. I suggest a blood test and take it from there?

ADHD. I was diagnosed this year. I'm very academic, very successfully ran my own business and retired on shitloads mid 50s. Brought up 2 lovely kids. And every step of that road I struggled with the things you list in your OP. Antidepressants, therapy, nothing helped that chronic feeling of not being a competent adult. And the self loathing that went with it.

It's not an excuse or a lack of drive or determination, it's a chemical issue. Having a diagnosis has helped me be genuinely kind to myself, rework what matters to me - and as a clean house does, fuck it I have a cleaner yay! - and be really proud of all the amazing things I do have in me, like creativity, imagination, spontaneity, empathy, emotional honesty.

Good luck. You are not a bad person or a failure.

Hello!

Regarding running out of clothes. Do you actually have enough? I realise that this is a bit of a weird question but please bear with me.

I am exactly like you in terms of being a bit disorganised, and in my case frankly a bit messy. My solution was to go a bit minimalist in the house with a capsule wardrobe of only what I needed. It meant that I didn't really have enough clothes and had to do a wash every day or two because I kept running out of clean clothes.

Now that I've bought a lot more clothes it's better. So 10 pairs of socks that fit and match what I wear. 10 pairs of underwear that fit. 5 pairs of trousers, a few skirts, 10 tops, 5 jumpers etc etc. Now I can literally go all week without running out of clothes.

Best wishes.