I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

I don't think you're a bad person OP. I think you're stressed

You have a lot on your plate. Fake it until you make it. Imagine you’re being filmed when you come down and the cats there and consciously bite your tongue when DH faffs instead of eating. And tell DH you’re struggling.

You sound quite stressed - be kind to yourself.

Peri-menopause?

I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope

I think this is the root of everything.

“Struggling to cope” is a stark statement and you need to have an open and direct discussion with your DH to work out how this can be resolved.

But you need to be proactive and not just sit and stew because your DH hasn’t noticed.

Caveat: if he has noticed or is aware and is ignoring, then The problem is different.

You sound very stressed to me

Peri-menopause?

I’m not sure I can use that as an excuse - I’m “only” in my late 30s! And have always been an anxious, stressy cow to be honest. I’ve definitely got worse as I’ve got older though.

I have explained to DH that I feel stressed a lot of the time and he does his best to help - taking over my share of the chores to give me an extra bit of chill-out time at weekends for example. But ultimately he says it’s down to me to put the effort in and try to see the positives and the best in things, and that’s how most people get through life. I know he’s right.

You sound depressed. You’ll be “a nicer person” when you’re happier. Do you have anything that is just for you? Do you get a break? I get really snappy when I’m down, that’s totally normal. Try and find time for yourself and the other things will seem easier.

You sound like an angel compared to how I am some days!

My husband is a saint for putting up with me

You do sound stressed with a lot on your plate, give yourself a break.

And as pp said, perimenopause can affect moods.

The very fact you care about all this means you are most definitely not a bad person.

You sound lovely and like you need a bit of tlc xx

Do you get enough sleep? This is how I am when I’ve been neglecting my sleep health

Since she’s admitted some pretty unpleasant hurtful behaviour I don’t see how minimising that or telling her she’s wrong and it’s all completely okay is helpful.

Her husband’s probably going to leave her if she carries on treating him like this. Thats what you’d tell her to do if it was the other way round. That’s not what she wants. So virtual pats on the head won’t help.

My husband is a saint for putting up with me

Not something to be proud of…

I get about 6 hours of sleep a night I’d say, 7 on a good night. So probably not quite enough.

You sound lovely

Thanks but I really don’t! I’m particularly upset with myself for not arranging a better surprise for DH’s 40th, as it’s such a milestone birthday. He pretended to be ok with it but later admitted he was a bit hurt.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Since she’s admitted some pretty unpleasant hurtful behaviour I don’t see how minimising that or telling her she’s wrong and it’s all completely okay is helpful.

Her husband’s probably going to leave her if she carries on treating him like this. Thats what you’d tell her to do if it was the other way round. That’s not what she wants. So virtual pats on the head won’t help.

Jesus Christ, how do you get through the day?

Muttering under her breath, being a bit forgetful and slightly impatient when stressed and preoccupied is hardly LTB territory!

@AnneLovesGilbert

My husband is a saint for putting up with me

Not something to be proud of…

I didn't say it was 😂

I did go to the GP last week. They weren’t particularly helpful but did prescribe a course of sertraline, which I’ve collected from the chemist but haven’t started taking yet.

@shitsunday

I did go to the GP last week. They weren’t particularly helpful but did prescribe a course of sertraline, which I’ve collected from the chemist but haven’t started taking yet.

I wouldn't rush in to that

GPs are far too quick to prescribe anti depressants

Late 30s isn't too early for perimenopause by the way...

Not saying you shouldn't take anti depressants, they can be helpful, but imho they are handed out like sweeties to women for all kinds of things

You sound like a good person who is stressed or unhappy

You do sound stressed and as if the behaviour of your other half/children is like the straw that broke the camel's back - it sounds like, at the end of a stressful day, you've got nothing left in the tank to deal with them too.

Some suggestions
Better sleep
Better diet
Fresh air
Exercise
Time to focus on something for YOU ie hobby
Mindfulness
Thinking of 3 good things per day - so practise gratitude, and find joy in day to day life (this is hard when it's a slog)
If you feel your mental health isn't great, please see someone about it
Can you so something about work stress? ie smaller workload etc. Also a difficult one.

You may already do some/all of these so no offence intended! I just know that when I do these things, I feel bettered prepared to deal with family life. All the best to you 💐

People who aren't very nice don't know they're not very nice!

Go and do something nice for your DH, make amends to yourself about being a crap on his birthday.

Give yourself a break.

@shitsunday

I did go to the GP last week. They weren’t particularly helpful but did prescribe a course of sertraline, which I’ve collected from the chemist but haven’t started taking yet.

@shitsunday I could have written your original post. Had got myself stuck in a vicious circle of snapping at family then feeling bad and snapping cause I was feeling so annyoyed/frustrated etc. Realised I was feeling depressed-just wasn’t getting the same joy out of life I used to and had lost perspective on what was worth stressing over. Docs prescribed sertraline and it’s really really helped.

Please trust that your GP is doing what they feel is best for you, not random strangers on MN who don’t know you!

You need to work on why you react in this way. All the stuff that no one wants to do, but that is very effective like yoga, mindfulness and meditation. Apps like Calm will help you work through specific circumstances and come up with new responses. It takes practice though.

The next thing is to take immediate ownership when you’ve been a bit shitty. You can try practising it with the kids “I’m sorry I’m so grumpy, I think I’m quite tired today” or “I snapped at you earlier and that wasn’t kind”. Text your DP now and say “I’m sorry, I’m not being sympathetic. You must feel shit, is there anything I can do?”. Own your bad behaviour, apologise for it as soon as you can (to start it takes weeks, then days, then minutes and by that point it has really reduced”.

Spending some time thinking about why you react like you do might help too and coming up with alternative responses. E.g, with the dinner - you’re annoyed because you want him to value your contribution, at that moment could you think about the ways he does value you?

I get the red mist and can be a dick when it happens but I’ve learned to control it because it’s so damaging.

Please try and address it. My mum was like this when I was growing up and it was really really awful and tense all the time and hated how mean she was to my dad.

As others have said, think about your hormones. Perimenopause happens from anytime from mid 30s onwards, it’s not the menopause but it is a shift in hormones. Maybe your hormones have always made you grumpy… I’d recommend Period Power as a book to get in touch with wtf is happening in your body.

Start doing more fun things. It’s ok to be grumpy sometimes but balance it out with affection and some fun.
Do little things to connect with your family. It’s ok to put a fake smile on your face sometimes and pretend. This will change things.
Organise some time out, with and without your family. Have things to look forward to.
Life is stressful for many of us and it’s harmful. We need to find ways to release it.