I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

None of that is bad OP. You're stressed and irritated. God knows there are many people doing much worse things than muttering shut up and feeing annoyed at your DP.

@Sleepdeprived42long
Well some random strangers have experience of lazy GPs who prescribe anti depressants because they don't have time to do anything else.

Some random strangers on MN know that peri menopause can be misdiagnosed as depression and that nice guidelines say ADs shouldn't be the first treatment offered for peri

Some random strangers have been down this road and suffered life changing side effects

No one is saying don't take anti depressants ever, just cautioning that they need to be taken seriously

Like it or not, they are often handed out like a panacea and root causes are ignored.

You just sound busy and a bit stressed. Can you cut back on your working hours?

Nothing wrong with Sertraline in the right circumstances. I took it for a year to help me out of a bit of a funk and it was fantastic. Weaned myself off very slowly at the start of lockdown 1 and been fine since.

You sound like me before I get my period. I would take the advice of others and get your hormones checked out.

Exactly what @pennysays said.

You do sound overwhelmed OP

Lack of sleep makes me irritable like you are describing.

Well you need to start by giving yourself a break

Honestly I think if you want more capacity to be kind and patient, you have to start with some self care.

Life is exhausting! Kids + a husband with COVID + a stressful job sounds like next level hard work. Maybe not this exact week but start taking some time or just give some thought to yourself, your needs and wants.

Five mins here, half an hour there; a bath, a face mask, buy yourself a new book, run, cook yourself something delicious, do a yoga class online or whatever you love!

It’s hard to find time but if you can get in to the habit of really looking after yourself I think it’s likely you’ll have more capacity to help others!

Deep breathing, exercise and time out work - with practice. But you have to own your inner grump and do this calming stuff to fix it. It’s not your fault you’re knackered, but it is your responsibility to be the person you like.

It sounds like you are taking everything on your shoulders and it makes you real like everyone is at you (even the cat.) I used to use the term ‘beleaguered’; a friend of mine more succinctly used the term ‘moany hole.’ Do you feel like circumstances outside your control (like Covid) are falling heavily on you, rather than recognising it’s nobody’s fault? I’m not saying you should find joy in challenging circumstances, but stepping outside to draw the mental image of what you can control , what you can’t, what’s bad and what’s harmless - and only irritating because of your mood, like the cat - might help you to pinpoint is it you, is it circumstance, and where you need to figure things out. I say this as someone who banished the cat to the utility room for having a bath on the printer today.

Think it, don’t say it.

I remember also being quite irritable when kids were smaller and realise now that too much was left not made in onto a predictable routine. It is hard to do it but the more decisions we need to make the more tired we get. Can you see if yoir tasks can be "automated", outsourced or made paperless etc?

DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

If you were non stop coughing what would he say to you?

I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope

Does he have a stressful job? How does he cope with it?

It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself

What does he do for your birthdays?

Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap

How does he feel after he's put the children to bed and the cat climbs all over him. What does he do?

I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair

When he cooks you meals how does he react if you faff about letting the food he has cooked you go cold?

I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

When he looks after the children on his own and has a challenging day how does he deal with it?

I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants

When you are ill how does he feel about taking over completely and letting you stay in bed?

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him

How is he coping with all the same pressures you have, how does he manage not to moan and nag about it?

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

Well this really depends on what answers you gave to all my previous questions....

@shitsunday

I get about 6 hours of sleep a night I’d say, 7 on a good night. So probably not quite enough.

You sound lovely

Thanks but I really don’t! I’m particularly upset with myself for not arranging a better surprise for DH’s 40th, as it’s such a milestone birthday. He pretended to be ok with it but later admitted he was a bit hurt.

This may be one thing you can work on that will make a big difference. You could well be chronically over-tired. I'd be trying for 8 hours a night. It will seem like a drag because you have less time, but you will feel better. It may take a few weeks to start to notice the difference though.

I'd also start to look at what you can cut out that is stressful, and set aside a little time to do your own thing, and time to do stuff for your dh. Maybe make a point of trying to do something nice for him one every week or so. It might seem fake at first but it can be a self-sustaining thing after a bit.

You’re a lovely person OP. You sound stressed, not ‘bad’’

Please take the sertraline and it will make a huge difference. It has helped me massively xx

Can you do anything about the work situation?
Change jobs? Work 1 day less?
I can be grumpy and quick to snap if I'm worried about something and we spend a lot of time at work (if full time) so worries there do tend to seep into home life if we're not careful.

So…. is that not all a very normal way to behave?

Though I’ve just posted elsewhere about being concerned that peri-menopause (and general life frustrations) are making me shout at my son more.

In fact, I recognise I’ve overstepped the mark as to what’s acceptable a few times

Sometimes when it’s really hard, I have been known to do the Vs behind his back, as long as he didn’t see me, I think it’s ok (not ideal, obv!)

So no answers from me, just sympathy

Cut yourself some slack! You muttered under your breath, you didn’t say it aloud. You show insight, you’re aware of failings, you’re busy, coughing is annoying, let’s face it. Maybe you could have done more on his birthday, but we learn from mistakes, maybe pull out all the stops at Christmas. Be kind to yourself. You are not a bad person, or you wouldn’t have written this.

stressed with sensory overload? you are bothered by being snappy, if you were truely horrible you wouldn't care.

I go through phases of thinking I am horrible, when in reality I have been having several sensory overload autistic meltdowns. i hate feeling the way I do and have yet to find a way to manage it. three autistic people in one house means there is potential for meltdowns to occur regularly.

Take some vitamin B6

I would say you're human - nothing more, nothing less.

You’re stressed. Prioritise your home life over work for a few weeks, a lot of the time we put pressure on ourself workwise when really others in the same workplace don’t - do the important stuff and forget the rest.

The solution to burnout isn't to take ADs and carry on as if the demands were reasonable. The problem isn't located within the individual. The problem is the context, causing the individual to burn out.

It's not that you're not a nice person OP (enduring personality trait), you're going through a response to the context you're in (triggers).

Life can be shit, boring and stressful at the same time.

Take the ADs if you want to, but also look at the daily demands and routines and reconfigure them all to better meet YOUR needs.

There is only you who can de stress yourself.. Go for a little walk in the fresh air, never mind if it's raining,if you have an umbrella.. Try a bit of simple yoga.. some music can relax you,. but don't go down the road of taking tablets for anything, as in anti anxiety and depression stuff, the whole world seems to be taking these tablets, they are mind altering things.

I agree with Wotsitsits, it really sounds like you have burnout. @shitsunday try to take some time out for yourself. I know it’s hard with so many demands and a husband who is ill. Do you have any annual leave so you can take some time off work?