I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

It does sound like you aren't particularly nice to be around, but it also doesn't sound like you are enjoying your life at the moment.

I think you need to focus on stress relief, and have some things that make you happy in your life without piling stress on.
I think we can all be how you describe at times. Throughout your entire post it reads like you are feeling overwhelmed.

Things I have done to feel better myself which may help,
Dedicate some time for stress relief each day- 30 minutes sounds like a long time, so try a smaller amount of time if that isn't feasible.
Even if you can't think of anything more relaxing to do, start with a walk in nature. If you take the kids, tell them to look for all the things that they notice because of the change in weather... the key is for things to feel less stressful at that point instead of piling on more pressure in your day.

Try and get regular exercise, try to sleep as much as you need.

When DH is feeling better- ask him to take on some of the responsibilities you are struggling with.

Then if possible, try and have time with your DH that is more focused on your time together. Enjoy each other a little bit. It'll make things easier.

You sound normal to me.
I am a terrible person, as my marriage crumbles I’ve fantasised about his end, that it would be so much easier if he just disappeared.
There - I win !

I realised I was turning into my mum like this about 18 months ago (same age as you) coupled with hot flushes and night sweats.
My child hood memories are my mum being snappy, bitchy and just fucking miserable.

I get she was peri menopausal and she was depressed. But my god it was hard to be around. I soon realised my default is the same learnt behaviour, snappy and not seeing the good in situations. So I’m trying really hard to
A) push for HRT (she never did)
B) squash down the “knowing my luck x will happen” thoughts and go with the positives in it instead.

It’s working, not quickly. But it’s working. We are all happier.

Please watch the davina menopause documentary. It’s eye opening.

You are a good person because you can see a problem with your attitude.
You could look for a new job if your job is not making you happy?
If you can afford it ask to work part time?
Try to find some enjoyment in life, go for a walk, read a book, go for a coffee with a friend, start to appreciate what you do have (children and husband) and maybe work harder on a positive attitude?

I don't have half the stress you have OP yet my resilience to stress is quite low and I have been depressed and anxious over the years. I totally empathise. The key is that you are busy looking after everyone else (including the cat) and working and you are very aware it's causing you stress and possibly impacting your MH. That's good. Now, you have to tell your family that you need a window of time each day, just for yourself. Find a hobby. Take a long bath. Read a book. Ensure that all of your family know that you are not to be disturbed.

I play Animal Crossing, I go out for short bike rides, I read. Sometimes I take off and do something I like to do that no-one else in the family likes to do (visit old country houses and art galleries). Also, try Headspace, the mindfulness app, or Calm, another good one. They really fight the flames of a stressed brain fire.

Not bad person. I've met lots of bad people so I know! You're just stressed and overwhelmed and tbf the getting up to mess about with chores when I've just put tea down would piss me off too!

I'd just think about something you an husband can do together once he's better preferably without the kids if possible. Snd also set some time aside to get your life organised so things are easy as possible moving forward.

I wasn’t aware you had to plan other adults birthdays? I plan my own and DH plans his.

You sound like a normal mum (who does a LOT) where things have gotten a bit much. Have a good chat with your husband to try and get on the same page as each other.

I play World of Warcraft. Which is ridiculous as I'm in my 50s. But I find it super relaxing, probably because I'm shit at it and just run around exploring things. I play for about 45 mins three or four times a week. It's like mindfulness as I can't think about anything else while I'm doing it. Hated actual mindfulness and I'm not a meditator. I have animals too but they can be another source of stress sometimes!

A few posts have asked: Would the responses on MN be the same if op was a man?

I’ve read Op’s written by men who have received empathetic, understanding and supportive responses. I’ve seen responses where people have posted yanbu but your wife is bu.

There is a huge difference between someone who feels bad about their behaviour or who is sorry for something that they have done, shows remorse and a desire to do better then someone who doesn’t feel bad, isn’t remorseful and really just doesn’t care about how their partner feels. There lies the difference.

This thread is a bit of an eye opener for me.

You’re supposed to enjoy your life?!

Semi-joking, but it is a bit of a wake up call.

OP this will take time to resolve, with no one ‘fix’.

Talk seriously to you DH about how you feel and ask him to with with you over the next year to improve things for you all.

Think about what in one years’ time you’d like YOUR life to look like. Everyone in the family a bit more engaged? Work not so stressful? More you time? More headspace for planning/doing nice things?

Then start to do this a bit at a time. So…

MUCH more sleep
More exercise
More outdoors time
More family meals together
Maybe you will have tried ADs (I recommend you do!)
Something new in your life just for you with no one getting in your head while you do it… I suggest a book club, yoga class, walking group or similar, and treat it as importantly as the DCs activities
Speak with your family about working together and agreeing some house rules. When do you all sit down together? Who will take on what little jobs to help?

This sounds a lot but it will give you an overall plan and hope for the times ahead.

And in a years time, you’ll have lots of smaller things fixed all pointing to helping you feel better.

Don’t just add ‘gotta be better’ to your long and already stressful list. Along with people around you, focus on the smaller but long term changes.

Good luck x

@brittleheadgirl because usually what happens is

• the DH has forgotten the birthday and it’s part of a pattern of not caring at all for his DW, not pulling his weight etc…
• the DH is stressed out but is refusing to even go to see the GP for help
• the DH sees no issue with their behaviour, will try and make out that the DW is ungrateful for the really crap gift etc…

It’s not someone who is snowed under, is getting help on their own back and is looking at their behaviour. That’s a really different picture.

@shitsunday: sounds like you need to take some things off your plate to have a bit more to give emotionally

It’s not too late to organise something special (tickets/night away etc) for DHs birthday as a belated thing and I would do that myself rather than have hurt fester

I had riding lessons as well. They were great. I had a course of 10 and they were expensive and paid for in advance. It was interesting to see even though my family knew how much I enjoyed them they still often expected me to pick them up/cook dinner on those nights (I never did but they did ask!)

Meant to say because they were expensive and paid for I was disinclined to ever miss one!

You need a new job!

It’s not a doctor issue it sounds like it’s stressing you out!

@shitsunday, I think you need to approach the issue as you being ill and having depression.

There are a few things you can do:

• have a chat with your DH (ok maybe not just now when he is ill with covid!) and explain that you have been put on AD and you need help.
• review the way the parenting/ bores are s0lit up and ‘delegate’ stuff to him so your workload is lighter
• when you are overwhelmed (let’s say putting the dcs in bed), step back and even better ask your DH if he can take over.
• take some time for yourself to do something for yourself.
• make sleep a priority. If that means you go to bed at 9.00pm because your sleep is disturbed, then so be it. Tiredness is a killer.

But most importantly treat it as what it is - an illness.

A few posts have asked: Would the responses on MN be the same if op was a man?

It's rare men are expected to the emotional support humans for the whole family.

It's rare men take responsibility for the daily grind.

It's rare men are expected to do all of the above, and work, and put on a smile for the rest of the family the whole time.

I suspect that if the OP and her husband had equal responsibility for the daily grind she wouldn't be posting here feeling like a failure.

Definitely agree with all the other comments (except for the one unhelpful one). Just a thought I couldn't see mentioned is seeking counselling to help you cope/manage with stress.

If you have always been like this but getting worse , I'm not sure you can change. Sorry OP I know it's not what you want to hear. 💐

You said you have always suffered/experienced Anxiety. Having a busy family life with young children and a stressful work has probably made it worse. Can you do anything to help your anxiety? Therapy, meditation, yoga, alternative treatments. Does the medicine the doctor sent you help with anxiety as well? Can you make amends for your husband birthday, organise a show or dinner with him? are you able to get /pay for help around the house either with cleaning or childcare? could you change jobs?

I find these meditation useful

themindfulmovement.com/category/meditation/

I also do yoga.

www.yogawithkassandra.com/

This book is also useful not only for kids but adults

www.amazon.co.uk/s?ref=nb_sb_noss_1&k=How+to+Talk+so+Kids+Will+Listen+and+Listen+so+Kids+Will+Talk&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The answers I've read so far seem to be about your DH stepping up, but it sounds like he has. The root of this seems to be your job, which should support your life rather than negatively impact the rest of it. It's obvious to me you need to start looking for a new less stressful role or company. The red flags are there with your role (ie it's spilling over into every other aspect of your life.) people put off looking for a new role as it can seem daunting but you urgently do need to find something else

You’re stressed.

You sound so stressed and overloaded, I understand you completely because this just like me at times.

Please don't 'fake it until you make it', that will make things worse in the long run because you won't get to the root of your issues. That mentality and practice just undermines and suppresses your feelings instead of listening to them.

@shitsunday Poor you you're not having a good time are you ? It's absolutely shit feeling like this .
As others have suggested it could be peri menopause, it can start early , have a look at the menopause boards , and it's very difficult to spot , its just when you talk to other women you start the think " that's me " .
Doctors do tend to prescribe anti depressants and hope you'll go away but you need to find what works for you , I'm not saying you're not depressed but there are other things to try too .
I go through periods like you , I'm 57 and have been in peri menopause since about 43 , I still bleed regularly and am on HRT now but I find that I can't be arsed, I dislike my children , my dogs and I just want to check out on life in general .
I have started taking vitamin D and find it a fantastic mood lifter , it makes me more like myself and better able to cope . Try taking it for a couple of weeks it may help but look at the menopause boards too for other ideas just incase x