I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

Jesus what is it with the UK and prescribing anti depressants at the drop of a hat?

OP you do sound stressed. Some of the things you described sounded just like stress, but the 40th stood out to me as being quite moving/sad.

Why dont you start by organising something nice of DH's 40th? Okay so it's late, that's not a big deal. Buy a thoughtful present and book dinner and drinks somewhere and maybe take the opportunity to lay it all out for him. Maybe doing something fun like that will also lift your mood and kickstart something

I would think about trying CBT, it’s about changing your mindset. Also beware Sertraline may make you feel worse first then better & you can’t just stop taking it. I was prescribed it without understanding what it was for and got stuck on it for ages. That said, it can help a lot.

I think you sound fine. You're stressed and him being ill is really pushing you to exhaustion.
People coughing is really annoying.

You are talking about changing your whole personality then, if you have always been like this. That's not easy to do, if you are naturally quite egocentric and see an ill person as an inconvenience to you for example.

From what you have written, I would prioritise biting back the crueler responses to your children when they are misbehaving, and working on alternative responses.

And while you won't be able to stop being irritated by some of your DH's behaviours, you could try to do some nice things for him, some thoughtful gestures to show him he's loved - assuming he is, of course, and since you say that he is thoughtful to you.

I don't agree with responses telling you you're lovely, or fine, or just stressed. You've described some hurtful behaviour and know it's not ok, and say you've always been like this. I don't think that's lovely or fine, and don't see the point of telling you it is. Being stressed into an excuse for mistreating your family.

If you posted saying DH was unkind while you had covid, was cross that you filled the cats water bowl during dinner, told the kids to shut up etc nobody would be saying 'he sounds lovely but might be a bit stressed or close to burnout.' Even stressed people have a responsibility to be kind to their family, well if they want them to stick around.

@fourminutestosavetheworld
The difference between an op posting about a snappy partner and @shitsunday is that it’s the op themselves posting here wanting to change. That’s shows self awareness. Which is why she’s getting support.
look after yourself and remember the movie advice- imagine someone’s watching and fake it.

As well as the sertraline which is really worth you having, i think joint therapy would be so beneficial to your relationship, don't leave it too late to resolve your problems, i know many couples don't like the idea but it would help you and your DH enormously, if only to better understand you.

Not nice people don’t stop to analyse how how their actions effect others so I suspect you are simply a nice person suffering with stress.

It sounds like you are struggling with your work/life balance. It’s popular at the moment to be all consumed by a job but the reality is that ultimately many find their work unfulfilling. Work is needed to pay bills etc but eventually people retire and need strong relationships around them for the next part of life.

When DH is better get him to look after the DCs so you can draw up a plan for making your job more sustainable and less mentally draining. This shouldn’t necessarily be at the expensive of career progression but if you think that it would be maybe it is time to look into a change of job. If there is something you are passionate about but has been on the back burner maybe look into the practicality of reducing your hours and starting a a ‘side hustle.’

It’s great that you want to improve the way you treat your DH and DCs, and it can be difficult to do much more than the day to day in these times of austerity, but if you treat yourself a bit more kindly then all the rest will follow.

Arrange something nice for you and DH to do when he has recovered from Covid. A day out doing something he enjoys.

@AnneLovesGilbert,

"Her husband’s probably going to leave her if she carries on treating him like this. Thats what you’d tell her to do if it was the other way round. That’s not what she wants. So virtual pats on the head won’t help."

Give over.

OP,

Don't listen to ridiculous shite like that. You sound, if anything, too preoccupied with everyone else's needs and you're then beating yourself up when you fall short of fixing everything for them.

Also, if I did my DP a dinner and he messed about like that, I'd be livid!

This is actually a really common symptom of depression.

It sounds like you're overwhelmed from all the practical and emotional demands on you. 'Being nice' just becomes an additional demand when actually you'd prefer to stare blankly at the wall.

If you want to have the mental headspace left over to be nice, people (your family/job) need to make less demands on you. You need to have a conversation with your DH when he is better about either him helping more/getting help in and also think about how much you give to your job.

Can you write off this year’s 40th on the basis that there had been too many restrictions, roll it over to next year, and plan a great big proper bash? This gives you a loophole.

You sound very much like you need an outlet of some kind and a bit of solo time with no demands on you. Can you go for a walk as soon as the kids are in bed with headphones on? I know it’s harder now the evenings are dark but even a walk round your local town for half an hour really can improve your outlook on things.

I also try and view each day as being an opportunity to practice. No one is perfect: don’t label yourself as being “not a nice person”. Reframe it as “today I did some things which were not nice, tomorrow i’ll do XYZ to try and improve” and just keep pressing that reset button every day to try and tackle life better. We are all responsible for finding ways to handle and manage our own stress every day. It’s an ongoing practice.

The first step to healing,is to recognise and be aware of yourself.well done OP.this is a difficult step and most people blame the "outside" rather than look at themselves.you sound stressed,but there is more going on inside you.Please seek professional help.A counseller/psychotherapist can help you "become a better person"as you describe.it is really positive,you recognise your stress and that in itself makes you a very good person.Also, of course have a good,honest conversation with your DH.I wish you all the best and hope you will be able to let that that lovely person inside you shine on the outside

Try to be kinder than you feel and don’t give in to all the unkind thoughts you have. Do you love your dh? Take him somewhere nice for dinner or something late for his 40th

Just wanted to mention (from reading some of the other responses) that if you do have depression then beware of trying to deal with it yourself by things like ‘fake it till you make it.’ Depression is not something you can just get over by working on your self. It’s natural to feel reluctant about starting on medication. You can try CBT first. There may be a wait of a few months. It is helpful to do regardless of whether it fully works for you but be aware that ultimately you may need the medication.

Sertraline gets prescribed all the time because it is on the milder side of the spectrum and most people tend to get on with it. (As with everything there is a chance of side effects that are important to be aware of) It is a reuptake inhibitor so it will basically give your brain chemicals a chance to reset and just make you feel evened out a bit and more able to cope emotionally. It would be worth reading through the benefits and side effects really carefully and making a personal decision rather than going by what I or anyone else says about it on here. www.nhs.uk/medicines/sertraline/

I'm guessing that this is long term behaviour OP, not a few stressful weeks?

If it's not long term, please ignore my post. If it is, then like a pp, my mum's like this with my dad and it is soul destroying to see, one of the most horrible things.

I have these tendencies inside too (probably from being raised in that environment) - except I refuse to vocalise them. So I did it differently. Every time I have ever felt snappy at DH, I have taken a few mental breaths and made myself say I love him instead (often out loud) in a nice tone of voice. It helps me remember that I love him and he doesn't deserve to be hurt by me. it helps me say "something" out loud yet not hurt him, and it helps me to ride out the annoyance. He's very gentle and kind and I could easily damage him but I actively choose not to every time.

It's grown much, much easier over the years to stop reacting to every annoyance with a verbal slap.

In your case, if this is long term as I said, you need to work on something too. Texting him to tell him off about being ill is really not good, and it would be silly to minimise it - pp are right that this sort of general behaviour would be enough for most people to reconsider a relationship. Generally, you also need let go of controlling his behaviour on little things too. Who cares if he let his dinner go a bit cold? What harm did it cause? He's an adult who can make his own choices.

Focus on getting through the next few weeks. Apologise and don't for the love of god send any more rude text messages. Then work on it all as other pp have said.

Try and practice gratitude. Life is hard at times but there is always something good. Shift your focus to what you have that is good.

Could you look at 'wellness'.and relaxation methods? I also think the stress is the crux of this.

Your poor DH though!

You just described how I was up until few months ago - even with the cat wanting to cuddle as soon as I sat down ☹️.
First try to be kind to yourself, you have a lot on your plate and you are just trying your best to juggle everything.
What made a difference to my life is meditating, I’m not kidding..20 minutes the morning and 20 minutes around lunch time when I can. So before I had massive anxiety attacks, use to get angry very easily, stress, tiredness….now I’m much more calmer, more present to the moment (instead of constant ruminating), kinder to my family and myself, sleep better, more energy during the day…How many times I sniggered when peoppe suggested meditation to me, I wish I had done it years ago !!!

I also try and view each day as being an opportunity to practice. No one is perfect: don’t label yourself as being “not a nice person”. Reframe it as “today I did some things which were not nice, tomorrow i’ll do XYZ to try and improve” and just keep pressing that reset button every day to try and tackle life better.

@Snowpaw I love this! I’m going to apply this to my life.

* I don't agree with responses telling you you're lovely, or fine, or just stressed. You've described some hurtful behaviour and know it's not ok, and say you've always been like this. I don't think that's lovely or fine, and don't see the point of telling you it is.*

^Completey agree with this. I feel so sorry for your poor husband.

I think there’s a lot of hypocrisy on here!
There’s a current thread about a woman who got a pen for her 50th, Yet OP is admitting she got him a bottle of alcohol for his 40th and no other effort and everyone is being sympathetic!

As regards to the 40th, I would aim to plan something that you tell him about at Christmas and say it’s an extension of his 40th.

I think you're reacting perfectly normally to the pressures in your life. Also, having someone with COVID in the house is bloody awful enough, as you've probably all got it and have to self-isolate. I went through this last month, and life is 100% sadder when you're in house prison (particularly when your husband ruined your and your kids' whole month by going to a club and catching it...haha but this isn't about me).
When this COVID debacle is over in your house, can you hire a babysitter and get the F out of your house on a regular basis? Having a guaranteed time to work out helps me out of the funk that you describe.