I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

If you’ve not started sertraline yet and are hesitant, keep a mood diary until then. Try to log how you feel on scale of 1 to 10, how much sleep, exercise etc and also track to your mentrual cycle, write down what triggered the negative or snappy thoughts. Also log how stressed you are or note particularly stressful things. . It can be a pain to do but it will help you in discussion with GP going forward and also perhaps show up something you hadn’t noticed around link to sleep, cycle, certain stress triggers etc.
One thing though, negative feelings about yourself can lead to self harm on a slippery slope. If you have any such feelings at all, get straight to GP, if you struggle for appointment call Samaritans or head quietly to a&e. Don’t minimise if it’s “minor” self harm that doesn’t cause any permanent injury

[quote PerfectlyUnsuitable]@brittleheadgirl because usually what happens is

• the DH has forgotten the birthday and it’s part of a pattern of not caring at all for his DW, not pulling his weight etc…
• the DH is stressed out but is refusing to even go to see the GP for help
• the DH sees no issue with their behaviour, will try and make out that the DW is ungrateful for the really crap gift etc…

It’s not someone who is snowed under, is getting help on their own back and is looking at their behaviour. That’s a really different picture.[/quote]
Is it really though?

Op is being unkind to her dh while he has covid, virtually ignored his birthday and even admitted she's not very nice to her cat!

A man posting this would be told his behaviour was totally unacceptable and there would be zero kind responses, helping him to justify his shitty behaviour.

The others have given great advice, but all you said to your children was "shut up" you are a saint in my book.

For me, antidepressants were the answer.

It may be worth asking your doctor for a blood test to rule out vitamin and mineral deficiencies, I got into a really low spot last year- low energy, very low mood, snappy, just a bit horrible.. Turns out my vit D levels were non existent. It hadn't occurred to me it could be something like that! I feel completely different now. Whatever it is, don't be too hard on yourself. You definitely don't sound awful OP!

What can you do about the stress at work? It seems this is where most of your behaviours stem from. You fill your bucket at work, then spill over small things at home. While understandable, it's not ok and it's up to you to "fix" it. Talk to someone, change work load, drop a day or go part time,change jobs etc.

I used to find a combination of vitamin B complex and evening primrose oil worked well when my stress levels were bad.

Oh OP when I opened your thread I was expecting to read way, way worse - you’re not a bad person, just tired and stressed

Of course medication helps/works for people. That's the whole point of it. But there can be a danger if you go straight to medication first that you end up thinking the medication has fixed you, so you dont need to change anything about your life. There's also a danger that you start thinking the medication helped you out of one bad period, so whenever another bad period comes up, you feel you need it again.

I would get into talking therapy personally.

You sound exactly like me to be honest! Same age and similar work /life. Reading with interest as I also want to change!

If you were a man saying you did all that to his wife you'd be getting different responses. It's ridiculous seeing the there there it's all okay kindness saying your behaviour is okay.

If you were my mate I'd tell you to buck up your ideas and make more effort to be happier in yourself (doing what you need to achieve that) and stop being so moany and unkind.

@zoemum2006

I wasn’t aware you had to plan other adults birthdays? I plan my own and DH plans his.

You sound like a normal mum (who does a LOT) where things have gotten a bit much. Have a good chat with your husband to try and get on the same page as each other.

Same here.

Often only do token presents or not at all & generally go out for a meal.

I suppose if Op usually organises something then to just not could seem uncaring?

But unless her husband was expecting/wanting a surprise party, he managed to organise something of his own choosing so I can't see the problem.

Instead of being hurt, perhaps he could think about how much effort she usually puts into stuff & what he could do to lighten the load rather than add to it.

I agree with the PP who says start by making it up to your husband for being crap on his 40th. Sort our some kind of treat. Apologise and talk to him. You'll start feeling better.

He is being inconsiderate though about fiddling with the dishwasher when you've put a meal out for you both.

When he's recovered from Covid you can reasonably expect more help. Can you get a break from the kids by getting someone else to look after them?

Try some kind of therapy? A life coach? Get back some control in life and work in some things that you love doing, for yourself.

This is all stress. I was like you, including totally cocking up DH's 40th birthday and just being a total arsehole in general. I would have said at the time that it was just me and that I was capable of switching off from work (the cause of stress) but I was wrong wrong wrong. In my case I got a new job in a related but different field, and suddenly now I don't spend my working week being told I'm not trying hard enough and being blamed for stuff outside my control I have become a person who can deal with minor setbacks without blowing my top and can think and plan more than 2 days ahead. I took a pay cut meaning we can't afford to do some of the stuff we used to but am about a billion times happier - don't need to have big nights out to forget how shit the week was when the week wasn't shit.

I could have written this post myself and would guess that you are tired and stressed. You might not feel 'tired' in the sense of about to nod off to sleep, but more of a long term tiredness and build up of frustrations / not having time to yourself etc. I 100% empathise with all the things you have done - and do share the guilt. One of the things that I do, which sounds wishy washy but does work, is think of five things I am grateful for. It does, even for a bit, make me a kinder person...

Something I introduced was to every day after 9pm to say something like, "I really appreciated it today when you did...." even if it is just a little thing.

This has helped to build mutual appreciation for things that we do during the daily struggle of child/work and home juggling.

We call it the #after9pmclub. Often we say it but sometimes we text it or leave a note for each other.

You see, I have a little issue with this. I could probably do with going on HRT as I’m feeling a lot like this, but why should I medicate myself to put up with people I live with when I think my problem would be solved by living in a cottage on my own with my dog.
It’s a bit like in the 60’s when women were given Valium,or something similar, to calm them down. They were known as mother’s little helpers. Maybe they had PND, or maybe they just needed DH to step up and help.

@GoodnightGrandma

You see, I have a little issue with this. I could probably do with going on HRT as I’m feeling a lot like this, but why should I medicate myself to put up with people I live with when I think my problem would be solved by living in a cottage on my own with my dog. It’s a bit like in the 60’s when women were given Valium,or something similar, to calm them down. They were known as mother’s little helpers. Maybe they had PND, or maybe they just needed DH to step up and help.

If you feel as though this state is normal for you then that's great. The OP doesn't like it and doesn't feel that it's "really her" and wants to change. My own menopausal/perimenopausal symptoms wouldn't have been cured by dh doing more cooking.

Grandma the valium thing.... that's probably how women got through the perimenopause. Hadn't occurred to me before.

Suicide rates amongst peri/menopausal women are highest I believe. No wonder. It is a hideous time and I am so glad for any women under the age of 35 who can avoid going through what me and my peers have.

You're not a horrible person, you're stressed out.

I would try making the birthday thing up to your husband but, other than that, the rest of the stuff is pretty normal when you have a lot on your plate! Also, please don't let a job affect your home life like this. I know it's probably easier said than done though! My partner always remembers his mother being stressed out and in bad moods when he was growing up because of her work, he tells me he would have preferred if things weren't that way at home, and things were more pleasant growing up.

You need to start "changing" by being kinder to yourself, and it will have a ripple effect and carry out to others too ❤

I can empathise with you. I work full time and have two kids and feel constantly stressed. Basically from the minute I gave birth to my first son 11 years ago, I transformed into a stressed, worried, joy-less person. For me I think it’s because I was overwhelmed with the responsibility and worry of being a mum and that sucked all the joy out of my life. I can’t remember the last time I had fun.

TBH you sound normal to me! With a young family and full on job ,you need to relax and de stress.Please dont be so hard on yourself and feel everyone else "has it sorted" believe me they dont. Can you find some time to relax and unwind at all ,maybe a run or a meet up with some friends during the week may help you. Someone once said you cant look after anyone else properly unless you look after yourself first .so true!

I think you might benefit from some counselling. You're aware of the problem, which is a massive head start, and you're self-aware, which means you'll engage well with a counsellor. Apart from exploring issues that may be contributing to the way you feel, you can discuss coping strategies. Find the right counsellor and you won't look back. Oh and talk to your husband and acknowledge. It'll be good for him to see you seeking help.

Grumpy old woman syndrome, I have it too. Gin helps.

Go part time or get a different job?