I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

Try the sertraline. Take a look at Dr Alex and his discussion around mental well-being snd medication. He himself is newly taking it.

It’s actually annoyed me a bit that some have said don’t take it. Of course it’s up to you, but ultimately surely it’s worth trying.

I would also try and etch out some me time for you- be that a bath, reading a good book. Taking a 30 minute evening or morning walk, with a good motivation podcast.

Could you hire a cleaner once a week to help support you at home? Or book the children into a club so you can have an hours “me time with a coffee”.

I realise some of these suggestions might not be helpful. But I have gone on antidepressants recently. They’ve really allowed me to see the light post Covid. They’ve lifted that constant pissed off/exhausted state I’ve been in for goodness knows how long. And given me that little pick me up to make small changes to positively help me become happier. Of course I’ve needed to make small lifestyle changes too.
Ps- recognising that you feel this way is healthy I think

Oh god, if you are not a nice person, I am Saddam Hussein

This is all perfectly normal isn't it? My husband has had covid too and if his coughing was any more performative he would be early years Elton John.

I am a complete bitch for the first ten minutes in the morning.
I just need a few mins to wake up and get the rage if dd comes in and starts asking questions before l have even opened my eyes, then the cat starts crying for food, sometimes dh tries it on and l want to shout FUCK OFF AND LET ME WAKE UP!!
You sounds stressed OP - talk to him about when he gets better.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I don't think you're a bad person OP. I think you're stressed

100% this - the fact you’re even feeling slightly bad about some of these things evidences you’re anything but ‘not-nice’. Go easy on yourself x

I felt like this ALL the time, it got worse at certain times of the month, after years and years I went on the contraceptive pill and now I rarely feel like murdering my family.

@ pennysays. Puts things into perspective.Perhaps the meds may help you to take a breather and help you get your perspective. How about you give dp an IOU rain check for his birthday &lots of hugs when he's less contagious? Sometimes doing something nice for someone makes us feel better. Good luck x

It could have been me writing your OP. I had a moment of realisation recently that I’m just not thinking like I should be. I’ve been taking citalopram for a week now and feel so much calmer and more tolerant already.

You could be describing me when I’m not taking my citalopram- I have anxiety and mild depression and it manifests in the irritability and snappyness you feel. On citalopram I feel normal. My gp said to think of it like diabetics need to take insulin as their bodies don’t produce it, I have to take citalopram m because my brain doesn’t produce enough Seratonin.

You're describing me when my DCs were younger, always moaning, nagging and found it hard to see the joy in anything, this went on for quite a few years until I finally saw a doctor who listened and put me on antidepressants, I realise they are not for everyone but I was a changed person. I suddenly found happiness and just wished I'd taken them earlier so poor DCs and DH hadn't had so many years of grumpy me

As others have said you seem to be very stressed. Do you love ur job? Will it help or is it possible to take some time off work? Can you afford help for even a couple of hours in the evening to help with bedtime so you can relax with a glass of wine? I was getting tension headaches and always fighting with my DH too. I got weekend help and the kids love the nanny so much. Today DH and I just laid in bed all day😅. We came down only to eat dinner with the kids and put them to bed. Pls try something to ease the stress you're feeling.

You need some counselling to find out why you are speaking about yourself like this - I bet you don't speak to your friends this way - this is a dangerous level of self hatred, you should probably talk to your g p, you need some help - maybe medication, time off work, some counselling - and stop blaming yourself

My mum was like this and it was a horrible environment to grow up in. She sometimes still speaks to my stepdad like shit and it gives me the rage and makes her a very ugly person. I actually see the nastiness on her face - yuck. You sound stressed and/or depressed. No happy person behaves like that so you need to get that sorted first of all. So trip to the doctors to speak about some meds perhaps and some counselling if you can afford it? I also used to have a temper and be really nasty to my ex - he irritated me like no ones business but I realised that I didn't want to be that person anymore - it was rotting me from the inside out. I got on antidepressants 2 years ago and it has been life changing. I can't remember the last time I've felt irritated. Life is much happier.

You need a break and time to do things you want to do for yourself. You aren't a bad person at all. I've said much worse to myself, under my breath.
Can you get anyone to have DC for a sleepover, can you get s day and night all to yourself, possibly without husband? I cope now only because I have time to myself, I lay in the bath, I read, I watch crap, I try meditate as much as I can, I am very self focused on my needs - this is not selfish at all - we are conditioned to believe we are selfish so we don't complain and keep picking up after everyone else.
You have so much to manage, like many women, it's too much. I hope you can find ways to cut back x

Don't change. Embrace the Dark Side.

P.S once your needs are closer to being met, you will be 'nicer' with everyone. The resentment will naturally lessen. We all understand and relate on some level. Please don't be hard on yourself.

Try to fit in a little daily exercise, that may help.

@shitsunday

I did go to the GP last week. They weren’t particularly helpful but did prescribe a course of sertraline, which I’ve collected from the chemist but haven’t started taking yet.

Frankly I read your first post and my first thought was low-medium level depression.

Having had ongoing depression, my recommendations are:

1. Write a list of 5 things that make you happy every day.
2. Find something purely for you. Make it non-negotiable. Do it regularly.
3. When the "I'm not a nice person" thought starts, remind yourself of nice things you have done.

These all help, but like weightlifting, need to be done regularly and consistently to have an effect.

You are for sure NOT a bad person.
You sound like the world is against you and you need self care.
You need to communicate your needs.
You need to be a little more selfish and think of what you want.
Maybe try reorganisation your life!

Our kids and husband can suck the last bit of hope/energy out of us and we only notice when we are the crazy people. It's not you, it's your environment and support network but you're responsible for listening to your body and thoughts- you need a break!

P.s sometimes I mutter under my breath and sometimes I let rip on my kids. It's absolutely normal ESPECIALLY when theyre acting up or testing boundaries. Being everyone's pulling cord is so draining especially when you've nothing left in the tank!!

All of the ailments listed below are symptoms of perimenopause and menopause. If you are experiencing some or all of these please consult a Health care Professional. HRT is the gold standard treatment but there other options available. You may find downloading Dr Louise Newson's FREE Balance App helpful to track your symptoms.
ANXIETY,LOW MOOD, DEPRESSION, MOOD SWINGS, CRYING SPELLS, BRAIN FOG, LOSS OF CONFIDENCE, POOR CONCENTRATION, POOR MEMORY, LOSS OF JOY, REDUCED SELF ESTEEM,IRRITABILITY, PALPITATIONS, DIFFICULTY SLEEPING, TIRED/LACKING ENERGY, HEADACHES, PAINFUL/ACHING JOINTS, HOT FLUSHES, NIGHT SWEATS, CHANGES TO PERIODS, VAGINAL SYMPTOMS, URINARY SYMPTOMS, LOSS OF LIBIDO, FEELING DIZZY/FAINT, DRY EYES/EARS, ORAL HEALTH CHANGES, THINNING HAIR, DRY/ITCHY SKIN (FORMICATION), TINNITUS, RESTLESS LEGS, CHANGE TO BODY ODOUR, INCREASED ALLERGIES, DIGESTIVE ISSUES.

A genuinely horrible person wouldn't notice (or care) they're being horrid. It sounds as others have said above, you're tired, stressed etc. It makes us all unsympathetic grumpy cows! I hope you feel chirpier soon

You're just stressed and perhaps depressed op. I was in a similar way this time last year and the doctor really helped me out prescribing Escitalopram. I only take a small dose each day but life is so totally different. I laugh off things that used to annoy me, I'm fun and nice to be around, I'm optimistic and generally loving life.
My sadness was something that had built inside of me over years for a whole variety of reasons. Some people cannot rid themselves of these feelings and they lack any serotonin at all.

@1forAll74

There is only you who can de stress yourself.. Go for a little walk in the fresh air, never mind if it's raining,if you have an umbrella.. Try a bit of simple yoga.. some music can relax you,. but don't go down the road of taking tablets for anything, as in anti anxiety and depression stuff, the whole world seems to be taking these tablets, they are mind altering things.

Yes, that’s the point of them isn’t it? And who are you to tell her not to take antidepressants when her actual doctor has prescribed them? They can be an enormous help, I have taken them on and off and when I need them I am really thankful. Does it matter that lots of people are prescribed them if it helps? Just wondering what exactly you see as the problem with it.

Sounds like early stages of Stress-related Clinical Depression (been there - Tee Shirt etc.) possibly exacerbated by Peri-Menopause. Not qualified to comment on the latter - I’ll have to consult Mrs Geezer.
Perhaps speak to HR at work though - that’s what they’re there for.
(My employers denied there was a problem when my line manager tackled them on the subject, as a result I subsequently had a complete physical and mental breakdown. Hence the Tee Shirt 🙄.)
Good Luck.

Quote shitsunday

This could have been written by me - I wish I could change too, I feel so annoyed all of the time :(

You sound overwhelmed. I can get like that too. It’s hard when you have so much on your plate. I expect you are struggling more with DH being ill but when he’s better it might be time to look at your family routines and how you can reduce the overwhelm and get a bit of time for yourself.
You can’t pour from an empty cup.