I’m not a nice person - how can I change?

[shitsunday]

I’ve come to the realisation that I’m just not a very nice person. To give a few examples:

• DH currently has Covid and is coughing non stop. Rather than be sympathetic, I just felt annoyed because his coughing was waking the DC as I was putting them to bed. I felt irritated and texted him to say “try to keep the noise down” and “why not just have a glass of water?”

• I find my job quite stressful and take it out on DH by moaning about it regularly and saying how I’m struggling to cope.

• It was DH’s 40th recently and I was so stressed with work that I didn’t organise him anything, other than a bottle of expensive champagne on the day. He organised a lunch with friends and family himself.

• Rather than be happy, I actually feel slightly irritated when, as soon as I’ve finished putting the DC to bed, I come downstairs and our lovely cat immediately wants to climb and stomp all over my lap.

• I got annoyed with DH tonight as I cooked us both a meal, put it on the table and he immediately went off to get a drink (fine), but then started sorting the dishwasher and replacing the cat’s water (hardly urgent). All the while his food was going cold, although he was only gone five minutes to be fair.

• I had a particularly challenging day yesterday with the DC (constant whinging and moaning) and I muttered “please just shut up!!!” a few times under my breath in a horrible tone of voice. I particularly hate myself for that one.

• I’ve moaned at DH for spending a lot of time in bed this past week because I’ve struggled to look after the DC. But he’s got Covid FFS, of course he can stay in bed if he wants.

I’ve basically realised that I’ve turned into a moany, nagging, anxious, difficult, joyless old cow who’s not much fun to be around. I can’t see our relationship lasting much longer the way things are going, as DH will almost certainly want out - and who can blame him.

How do I relax, be happy, less selfish and most of all, be a better, nicer person?

@Beaconoflight Meditation is a great suggestion. I used to do meditation and found it helped. For some reason I stopped and couldn’t seem to make time for it. Will start making time for it again.

Becoming a parent sometimes we stop making time for ourselves and keep putting off self care. I think exercise is important too. Something else I stopped doing.

@shitsunday I think that I can relate a bit to you and find myself stressed and not always being as nice as I could be. I am going to work on this too. Thx for posting.

Take the Setraline
Fake it till you make it- pretend to be nicer than you are. So nice things. Say nice things.

Have sex. And orgasim a day is a good way to lift mood.

I think teatime and imustlearntocook have good suggestions.

What in your first OP did you mention that you do for YOU, what nice past time, fun meet up, great couple of hours running, or at the gym.
I get nowty when everything is for everyone else but never for you. Which is the normal life for many women - but that doesn't mean it's a good life or a happy life for them.
Make a real effort to get some time for what actually pleases or is enjoyable just for you.

You sound like a decent person trapped inside the head of a very stressed and overwhelmed person.

I hope the setraline helps. Please also consider other ways you can reduce your burden - can you afford to buy in help with cleaning? Will someone take the kids for a weekend so you and your husband can go away? Can you reduce your hours at work or find a less consuming job?

You deserve to be happier for your own sake as well as everyone else's.

Aw op so many of us have been there and know how you feel. Nothing you've said is that bad, I agree with other posters who say you sound stressed. Work plus kids plus running a household is stressful, and with zero help it is even more so.

When you're stressed it's hard to see the wood for the trees, and while the above suggestions are great it can be a bit overwhelming to have to action anything while you've got a plateful. However, one thing you can do, which takes very little time, is to start to have a little more self-empathy.

You are not a bad person so please stop beating yourself up and be kinder to yourself. We (as women especially) have had from birth a huge societal pressure to always be kind and to glide calmly through everything life throws at us like a swan. Well fuck that shit.

It's ok to be stressed, it's ok to be angry, and it's ok to be fucked off. You are human not a robot. I spent many years beating myself up about not being nice enough and as soon as I accepted that that is the way I am sometimes and that it's ok to feel like that, I started to feel better about myself. That in turn has made me a nicer person I think because I don't feel 'angry guilty' all the time.

The other thing I do is talk to Dh how I feel. Sometimes I don't get very far but I do think it helps when your OH knows it's not as personal as they might think otherwise.

OP, you could try reading Happy by Derren Brown. Some pragmatic suggestions to improve your happiness (and hence make you behave more kindly towards your DH).

If you are a bad person then so am I as I have done all the things in your OP, including buying dh a shit present for his 40th as I was very stressed then and he never says he wants anything so I ran out of ideas. Hope things improve OP. Lowering my standards and HRT helped me but I was a bit older - I felt like you for years pre HRT.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Since she’s admitted some pretty unpleasant hurtful behaviour I don’t see how minimising that or telling her she’s wrong and it’s all completely okay is helpful.

Her husband’s probably going to leave her if she carries on treating him like this. Thats what you’d tell her to do if it was the other way round. That’s not what she wants. So virtual pats on the head won’t help.

I agree. I can't help but think if OP had posted her husband behaved like this, the replies would be so different. OP no you don't sound particularly nice at the moment, and yes it's good you've recognised it, if your GP believes medication may help, don't discount that because some people on here have. Yes GPs can hand out anti depressants, but they do also work for a lot of people. Nothing wrong with keeping them and give yourself a few weeks to see if you snap out of it, if you don't, maybe try the anti depressants.

I used to have a high stress job and after I left it I was a completely different person. I took a huge demotion after realizing how the stress affected my life and it's the best thing I ever did. I also changed other parts of my life, I don't commute anymore, we are more rural etc...I don't know if it's th same for you but city and high flying career was not for me on a really basic level.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Since she’s admitted some pretty unpleasant hurtful behaviour I don’t see how minimising that or telling her she’s wrong and it’s all completely okay is helpful.

Her husband’s probably going to leave her if she carries on treating him like this. Thats what you’d tell her to do if it was the other way round. That’s not what she wants. So virtual pats on the head won’t help.

Lol. She is irritated by things that are irritating. Why should women have to skip around smiling and being nice all the time? When I opened her post, I thought I was going to read about how she hits her DH or bullies her work colleagues etc. Instead, she "only" bought her DH a bottle of champagne rather than organising a big party and muttered FFS under her breath when the kids were being dicks etc.

Yeah, definitely grounds for divorce, those...

I seriously think lack of sleep is causing a lot of this…as a starter, could you try for more? Are you going to bed at a reasonable time but not falling asleep, or are you crashing out late?

I think take the sertraline, it really helped me and I only saw how bad I’d been when sertraline got me out of it. I’m still annoyed at the person who told me not to take it. Thank God I saw sense in the end and ignored them.
I also think making up for DH’s 40th is a really good idea and the meditation suggestion.

I'm amazed at some of the responses.

Would they be the same if op was a man?
How would we feel if it was a 'dw' in bed with covid not being treated particularly kindly and being snapped at?

Some things that have helped me when I have spells of being like that.
High dose vitamin b12
Making sure to walk outside as often as possible, difficult in the winter but if you can get the kids outside with you you might find they are less annoying too 😊.
Reflexology. Might sound a bit naff but it’s really helped with my hormones
Making sure I have some time alone everyday. I am an introvert and need space and quiet or i feel a bit mad.

Planning holidays/days out with the family/friends.
Cold water swimming
I really do sympathise with you as I have felt like this a lot recently. It was so bad I was feeling like crying for no eason at many points in the day. I really did it want to take antidepressants so I gave myself a month to try as much as possible to help myself naturally, walking, supplements etc before I went to the doctors. All the above has helped me so I don’t feel like I need to go to the doctors anymore. Hope something might help you too.

Blimey, I don't think some of it sounds that bad.

The Dh doing the cat water etc would really hack me off when I'd gone to the trouble of preparing a huge meal.

You sound run down and fed up. What is going on with your job? Why is it stressful?

@shitsunday

I get about 6 hours of sleep a night I’d say, 7 on a good night. So probably not quite enough.

You sound lovely

Thanks but I really don’t! I’m particularly upset with myself for not arranging a better surprise for DH’s 40th, as it’s such a milestone birthday. He pretended to be ok with it but later admitted he was a bit hurt.

This is not enough sleep, can you get more?

I'm hateful when I'm tired.

The not doing anything for his 40th is very bad. Why did you not make a big fuss? Loads of cards, cake, arrange a restaurant booking - that takes a couple of minutes only to book!

I can't help but think if OP had posted her husband behaved like this, the replies would be so different.

If the OP is the central cog in her house from whom everyone (including the cat) expects emotional and practical support, it's not surprising she's feeling worn out.

Ime men have it easy in two respects. A much lower standard of 'niceness' is expected from them and they're not usually the go-to emotional support human for everyone else in the house. On top of that, they generally do much less than their fair share.

Sertraline? GP immediately prescribed it? Hmmm.

How would we feel if it was a 'dw' in bed with covid not being treated particularly kindly and being snapped at?

A lot of DWs aren't even allowed to go to bed when they're ill, they still have to run round and look after everyone. Opting out when you feel ill is so often a male privilege so it's not surprising wives in these circumstances don't have much time for their sick husbands.

@Oblomov21

The not doing anything for his 40th is very bad. Why did you not make a big fuss? Loads of cards, cake, arrange a restaurant booking - that takes a couple of minutes only to book!

I presume the op knows this. Hence the post.

@Gliderx

I can't help but think if OP had posted her husband behaved like this, the replies would be so different.

If the OP is the central cog in her house from whom everyone (including the cat) expects emotional and practical support, it's not surprising she's feeling worn out.

Ime men have it easy in two respects. A much lower standard of 'niceness' is expected from them and they're not usually the go-to emotional support human for everyone else in the house. On top of that, they generally do much less than their fair share.

Absolute rubbish. I've been on here a long time and read many posts where women are upset because their dh has virtually ignored a special birthday or anniversary. The replies are never anything like the ones on this thread!!

She didn't ignore his birthday.

I've been on here a long time and read many posts where women are upset because their dh has virtually ignored a special birthday or anniversary. The replies are never anything like the ones on this thread!!

Well, it depends somewhat on whether the OP's DH makes a fuss and organises stuff for her birthday. If actually he doesn't, she's just serving him his own.

I think your job is the root cause of how you are feeling. I also agree you are not a bad person…just totally stressed out. Can you address the work situation?