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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to eat a mouthful of my dinner just as I sit down with it

228 replies

beatrice82 · 12/11/2021 21:32

9:30pm not stopped with work, taking kids to clubs, feeding children, laundry, housework then made my own very quick tea - pasta with leftover salmon.

Sat down.

Husband watching football after a busy day at work, makes comment on the amount on my plate.

Literally the second I sat down with my plate popped on the coffee table whilst I plump the cushions behind me, ready to enjoy... husband wants a mouthful of my food.

He already knows I find this off putting but for an easy life, I say yes, as long as I can't see and proceed to cover my eyes.

He laughs and says I'm weird. I remind him that I've literally sat down to enjoy my dinner and he's fussing to have some. He then uses the opportunity to remind me of weird I am in general.

I tell him he's being unkind, and ask if he thinks this conversation is helping our relationship. He laughs and carried on watching the football.

I told him that he's being the weird one to treat me like that, and any other person would think he was being out of line.

AIBU to want to enjoy my dinner in peace without being pestered, judged or called names?

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 13/11/2021 10:07

You are weird but he is an ass

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 13/11/2021 10:09

The only reason you are being "weird" is because he puts you in uncomfortable situations and you're scared to say no to him.

The sort of contortions necessary to manage these sorts of people would make an oddball out of the most boring of us.

He knows you hate something but pushes it over and over - that's not a situation anyone could breeze through.

hotmeatymilk · 13/11/2021 10:10

Eat at the table though, not in front of the telly.
Why? She can eat wherever she wants.

idontlikealdi · 13/11/2021 10:26

I don't share food a la joey from friends. It's just bloody rude.

kikipie · 13/11/2021 10:35

So we’ve established he’s abusive. He won’t magically change, why would he? He’s got you modifying your behaviour to keep him happy. You need to consider your options here. You can leave, and stop exposing your kids to his bullying

WonderfulYou · 13/11/2021 11:36

So we’ve established he’s abusive. He won’t magically change, why would he? He’s got you modifying your behaviour to keep him happy. You need to consider your options here. You can leave, and stop exposing your kids to his bullying

I couldn’t agree more.

The only reason he wanted something off her plate is because he knows she hates and it puts her off her food - literally bullying her.
Why would he change when he has someone doing whatever he wants.
Time to put the children first and stick up for yourself.

KohlaParasaurus · 13/11/2021 13:22

My family and I share bits of one another's food all the time, both when home cooking and when we eat out, and don't think it's weird or ick at all. This thread is a good reminder that some people would be horrified if I invited them to help themselves to a forkful of my dinner, and would lose their appetite if I said, "That looks gorgeous, can I have a taste?" But as everyone else has said, it sounds as if the food issue is just a symptom of bigger difficulties between you and your DH.

coffeepleeease · 13/11/2021 13:53

That would piss me off so much!

nauticant · 13/11/2021 14:52

One thing this thread does show is how effective certain kinds of gaslighting abuse are. Even with the OP setting out that her husband's abuse extends much further than a food issue that can be presented as trivial (when it's not, it alone is a red flag), many on here zoom straight in to the OP's behaviour to pick fault with her. If her husband found this thread he'd be delighted at how powerless he's made the OP, even to the extent of depriving her of a capability to convey what's going on, at least to some people.

coodawoodashooda · 13/11/2021 15:43

@nauticant

One thing this thread does show is how effective certain kinds of gaslighting abuse are. Even with the OP setting out that her husband's abuse extends much further than a food issue that can be presented as trivial (when it's not, it alone is a red flag), many on here zoom straight in to the OP's behaviour to pick fault with her. If her husband found this thread he'd be delighted at how powerless he's made the OP, even to the extent of depriving her of a capability to convey what's going on, at least to some people.
Excellent post.
ItsCarole · 13/11/2021 15:50

@Embroidery

Good god! I always share food with loved ones. Loved ones eat off my plate and I eat off theirs. Especially chips. But if they had tasty salmon pasta and I had none Id want a bite, at least. Do you not have sex, that you cant share a spoon? What has the world become that this is a divorce situation. Where was his salmon pasta? I dont mean this in a stepford way, but if my husband made salmon pasta at 9.30 Id expect some.

Mn is sometimes dangerous and damaging tp perfectly normal relationships.

Who just wades onto a quite busy thread and trumpets out advice like this? It's really bizarre of you to just come in like this clearly without having read all of the OP's posts and bark out a load of rubbish.

You do realise that this thread isn't about you and what you would do in your relationship don't you?

Penistoe · 13/11/2021 15:58

Why would him having some put you off the rest

I know plenty of people who are like this. One explained it’s no longer their food- territorially speaking. Others just describe it as gross.

BronwenFrideswide · 13/11/2021 16:11

@Penistoe

Why would him having some put you off the rest

I know plenty of people who are like this. One explained it’s no longer their food- territorially speaking. Others just describe it as gross.

Exactly.

It doesn't matter one iota why OP finds it off putting, she just does and any decent person would respect that. Her husband knows it upset her yet continues to do it, calls her hideous names and ridicules her. That shows he has zero respect for her and enjoys bullying her.

It is of zero relevance whether other posters on here share their food, their relationship is not the OPs, their choices are not the OPs and to belittle her and try to shame her for not being like them is doing to her exactly what her husband is doing - ridiculing and bullying her for being different to them.

5keletor · 13/11/2021 17:42

Agree that OP is being bullied in this case, her disliking him taking food off her plate obviously makes her husband enjoy it more.
Some people do just want to share, my partner generally just makes himself some of what I have if he's hungry and doesn't already have something, or he might ask but not push it if I said no. In OP's case it's clearly part of a wider range of bullying behaviours.
As I mentioned before, my ex would do this and quite happily tell others, when offered, that he didn't want his own food, he simply wanted to take some of mine/drink from my cup. He would genuinely have preferred to take, say, a spoonful or two of trifle off me, than having a bowl of his own.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 13/11/2021 23:11

@EnidFrighten

He comes in then he puts the kids to bed while you eat as much pasta as you want.

Eat at the table though, not in front of the telly.

Op said that her p had covered the table with his work. That's why she can't eat there. And it's up to the op where the hell she eats, anyway...
P1mum · 13/11/2021 23:26

No absolutely not. You are totally entitled to sit down in peace without being called names and if he tried to eat some of my food I would have a lot to say!

He shouldn't be asking if he knows it bothers you. You should say no but I'm guessing that might lead to more name calling and being called weird. Which it is not.

Haven't read every post but my god some of the things that are being asked - are people not allowed to live differently to others any more??

What does it matter why you aren't eating together. Who cares if you have kissed him but it bothers you for him to take food off your plate. All people are different. I don't understand why people judged and questioned on not being the same as others. I teach my 4 year old better.

Anyway rant over. That just bothers me on here Hmm

WhatAHexIGotInto · 14/11/2021 07:39

The amount of people who clearly didn't read this thread before chipping in with their scoffing pearls of wisdom is so indicative of how many people seem to be now. Not wanting to listen and making everything about them. Like those people who can barely let you to the end of a sentence before they say 'well wait til you hear what happened to me'.

SavoyCabbage · 14/11/2021 09:24

@WhatAHexIGotInto

The amount of people who clearly didn't read this thread before chipping in with their scoffing pearls of wisdom is so indicative of how many people seem to be now. Not wanting to listen and making everything about them. Like those people who can barely let you to the end of a sentence before they say 'well wait til you hear what happened to me'.
I agree. It's ridiculous.

Eat at the table!
I don't mind my husband eating my food!
Why aren't you eating at the same time?
I'm just better than you so I don't have these problems.

grapewine · 14/11/2021 09:31

Eat at the table though, not in front of the telly.

Oh, the horror. OP (and anyone else) can eat in front of the TV if it suits them. Judgy BS.

HTH1 · 14/11/2021 09:36

I think he did it on purpose, just to make you feel uncomfortable. Next time, just say no or make some extra to give him a starter size portion (on a separate plate).

Werehamster · 14/11/2021 10:19

I also think he did it on purpose to annoy you. My Ex used to do this sort of thing all the time. Next time say no and leave it there, but it's a damned question because if you say yes, you are being unreasonable to act annoyed, if you say no, you are being mean and unkind. If you suck it up, he still wins. It's just awful living with this sort of man.

Duckrace · 14/11/2021 10:19

Surely if he did it to make you feel uncomfortable, the last thing you'd do is to make him his own portion??

coodawoodashooda · 14/11/2021 10:24

@Werehamster

I also think he did it on purpose to annoy you. My Ex used to do this sort of thing all the time. Next time say no and leave it there, but it's a damned question because if you say yes, you are being unreasonable to act annoyed, if you say no, you are being mean and unkind. If you suck it up, he still wins. It's just awful living with this sort of man.
Omg. Agreed.
Pancakeorcrepe · 14/11/2021 11:25

There is just something so annoying about having worked your arse off all day for the family and the home, then finally sit down for a nice evening meal, and have someone swoop in and take a big mouthful from your plate before you have even tried it!!! I think you can only understand if you have been in these gaslighting and abusive situations before, how much this shit actually gets to you.

whynotwhatknot · 14/11/2021 13:18

My dh would literally stab with his fork if anyone tries to take something off it not that i do-fair enough its his food

hes literally joey from friends

hes not nice op-the names he calls you and the gaslighting is shocking