To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

[Sashimimimi]

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren.

SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday.

Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago.

I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine.

Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

I think sharing the cake is a nice gesture. You are spot on about the attitude.

Of course it wouldn't! You're her mum you get to set the right example to her.

Would you normally ask them if they want to share or would you just take slices over?

I think DH taking it to work is more of an issue. Is DD saying "too much of my birthday cake is leaving the house" rather than categorically being against giving it to her cousins?

It's up to DD.

I think you are absolutely right, OP. So many drama-queen threads on here by supposed adults are the result of them never having been taught a bit of give and take as children.

If she's afraid of having no cake left, your DH could say that as she's sharing the cake with her cousins, he'll let her have the bit he was going to take to work (a grown man doesn't need a child's birthday cake!)

Has she not seen them? I wouldn’t bother cutting pieces up and delivering it to all the cousins if they haven’t bothered coming over to say Happy Birthday etc.

The way I see it, someone visits you/comes to your party and gives a card/gift and then you give them cake. You don’t wrap up cake and run round delivering it to relatives who didn’t bother doing the same for you.

People are so insistent that kids need to share, they need to have the ‘right attitude’ but not for adults. If you said my sil never gets me a present shall I continue to get for her everyone would insist no you shouldn’t. It’s the same here. Why should she bend over backwards to deliver her cake to them when they didn’t bother to do so for her?

You are 100% right here OP . You are setting a lovely example to her.

Why would you push her to share with people who don’t reciprocate?

It’s her cake and it should be her choice.

It’s weird that your DH is taking it to work.

It’s nice to share with cousins.

@FlaggRF

It's up to DD.

This I was brought up having to share everything with my multiple cousins (hardly got anything in return) and with others. Don’t teach your daughter to be a people pleaser

Who does the birthday cake belong to?
This is the person who decides of their own free will who will and who wont get a slice, surely?

Its her cake let her have it she's learned that you give to people that give to you if they didn't share why should she lose out?

Is your dh taking her cake to his workplace for his colleagues? Or is he taking some to have with his lunch or coffee break.
If is a huge cake and is too much for your family to eat before going stale then fair enough, share it out to avoid waste, but otherwise it’s your dds cake and it’s hers to enjoy.

Yes it’s nice to share but it’s also good to have expectations and boundaries and giving without some kind of reciprocation or recognition of her feelings in the dynamic can lead to her being set up to be a doormat and a people pleaser as she gets older.
Is her cousin a boy ?

YABU to "insist" as that just gives the impression that she has to be a people pleaser and ultimately it's her cake.

YANBU to discuss it further using the very valid point you made about "keeping score" etc and being the bigger person.

@Kanaloa

Has she not seen them? I wouldn’t bother cutting pieces up and delivering it to all the cousins if they haven’t bothered coming over to say Happy Birthday etc.

The way I see it, someone visits you/comes to your party and gives a card/gift and then you give them cake. You don’t wrap up cake and run round delivering it to relatives who didn’t bother doing the same for you.

People are so insistent that kids need to share, they need to have the ‘right attitude’ but not for adults. If you said my sil never gets me a present shall I continue to get for her everyone would insist no you shouldn’t. It’s the same here. Why should she bend over backwards to deliver her cake to them when they didn’t bother to do so for her?

This - 100%.

Is her cousin a boy?

Give me strength.

Telling a child that it's nice to be the bigger person is not setting them up for a lifetime of being a downtrodden people-pleaser.

If you give most 8 year old an option of who gets to eat the cake I imagine most would want it all for themselves. Did her cousin have a cake this year?

Wow, this thread really illustrates why society is a quite screwed. this example is not about being a people pleaser, it’s about sharing when you have too much of something…

You’re right to encourage her to share. It’s healthy as well - no child needs to think eating a whole cake is normal just because it was for ‘their’ birthday.

Why is your husband taking her cake? No wonder she's possessive about it.

Just to clarify, DH hasn’t taken masses of DD’s cake into work! He only works with BIL and one other guy and he took some for them. It’s a massive cake so there is plenty left for DD 😃

He always does that when one of us has a birthday otherwise the cake would end up going to waste as our DC don’t even like cake much. They like getting a nice birthday cake and the special occasion-ness of it but they’re not fussed about actually eating it except for the icing.

Her cake, she gets to decide. I agree with a PP, if it's not a huge cake then you need to stop DH taking it to work unless it's a single piece, and then she decides what happens with the rest

@sweeneytoddsrazor

If you give most 8 year old an option of who gets to eat the cake I imagine most would want it all for themselves. Did her cousin have a cake this year?

Have you read the opening post? The cousin had a cake two weeks ago. He did not give any to the child or her brother. He and the other cousins did not visit her or see her on her birthday or since.

I think teaching children to be the bigger person is important but it can sometimes lead to confusion about where the line is drawn between being the bigger person and being a doormat.

Your daughter has spotted a double standard and is asserting her boundaries, I don't think that is awful or to be discouraged either.

It's not clear if you've heard this directly from your daughter or just from your husband so I think it would be really useful to have a conversation with her and take it from there.

I don't think she should have the whole cake. And I would probably give slices to the cousins. But here eating birthday cake is something we all do together, even after the birthday. I wouldn't dream of having a sneaky slice while birthday kid is at school.