To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

[Sashimimimi]

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren.

SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday.

Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago.

I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine.

Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

@CactusLemonSpice. Yes, I agree. Clearly a whole birthday cake is going to be far too much for a child to eat by themselves. So if it's not finished by the guests at the "party" (whenever it's cut), something needs to be done with the excess cake. The OP's DD can choose who gets it but, if she doesn't make a choice, the OP should then decide. But I wouldn't wrap this up as "It's kind to share". More "we're not putting good cake in the bin so it's going to your cousins".

It’s her cake and she can share it with whoever she likes. Or not.
I think it’s very gracious of her to allow your DH to take some into work for himself and his workmates. She has decided that she doesn’t want to give her cousins any because they were less than generous with her. That’s fine. It’s her cake.

If the cake is big enough that it will be a struggle to get through before it goes stale which is quite a short timescale, it is sensible to share it out with people you care about.

It would be different if sharing the cake out was going to compromise how much the birthday child gets and leaves them short of what they would reasonably eat.

But should she be able to decide she doesn't want to share it and would rather the extra cake went in the bin?

The cousins are the obvious receptacle for leftover cake (in preference to the bin) because they live so close by.

Why does the cake have to go in the bin?
Cake freezes really well.

I suppose that depends on whether the OP wants to have a lot of frozen cake clogging up her freezer...Personally, I'm quite happy to see the back of a cake after the event it's intended to celebrate and not have it resurrected weeks afterwards but maybe that's just me .

If you've always shared I'd insist they share this year and see if they share next year.
I'd give them one chance.

@Gliderx

I suppose that depends on whether the OP wants to have a lot of frozen cake clogging up her freezer...Personally, I'm quite happy to see the back of a cake after the event it's intended to celebrate and not have it resurrected weeks afterwards but maybe that's just me .

But it's special home made birthday cake.

Home made cake is amazing, much better than store bought and we have never had to bin it.

@Missey85

Its her cake let her have it she's learned that you give to people that give to you if they didn't share why should she lose out?

Ugh.

Is DD really going to miss out if she gives out two slices of cake? I assume it won't stay fresh for long.

OP absolutely teach her to appreciate the joy of generosity without expecting anything in return.

I would sit down and talk to her though, get her buy-in about giving the cake.

Her birthday was yesterday if the cousins are at their Dads then they won't have been able to come over, not a case of not bothering ffs.

Since DD doesn't even like cake and the refusal to share is a point of principle then YABU.

I would insist on her sharing it and giving her a little talking to about being up her own arse. I would give your DH the same little chat.

That's YANBU, not YABU..

we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday

Except not this time. It's been two weeks. They haven't 'made sure' all the cousins get cake. Maybe they've done it all this time because it seemed like you expected it, but this is them drawing a line.

Did it not occur to you to give some to your DD's school friends or other friends? You've decided it's a good thing to share cake around, but it doesn't seem like she as the birthday girl gets to be part of that or have any say in it. Instead your DH is taking it to share with randoms.

In the context of a party, or people round YWNBU.

In the context of delivering cake to people who don't deliver cake to you, I'm #TeamDD.

All the stuff about keeping score and being cagey with food is worth discussing. But as well as children being caring, I also raise mine to have boundaries and not give everything away to everyone.

I absolutely wouldn't deliver my cake to people! I might take some to work if it would go stale otherwise. It may be worth pitching it like that.

Hmm I can see why teaching her not to view things like this might be an appealing lesson if you think she's in need of it, but at the same time I don't really think it's necessary to share the cake with them when they weren't involved in her birthday at all and didn't do this themselves. I don't mean that in a tit for tat judgment of them not doing of it, it just isn't necessary and they obviously came to the same conclusion.

I’d insist that she shares her cake. She needs understand giving for the sake of it, not because she’ll get something in return.

@Dropcloth

Some responses on this thread —the tit-for-tat-ery of some posters, and their beady-eyed, transactional attitude to relationships, and their terrible, encroaching fear that someone’s getting something for nothing, or putting one over on them — is exactly why so many Mumsnetters are either friendless or stuck with wildly dramatic pseudo-friendships with continual fallouts, rising to insane dramas over stealing baby names, bridesmaids with tattoos, or the politics of hen parties..

There’s plenty of cake. Assuming the cousins aren’t evil child vampires or something, there’s no reason to assume this is anything like people-pleasing, or ‘rising above’. It must be absolutely exhausting living inside the heads of those of you who are continual high alert for Exclusion, No Effort, or Someone Got A Bigger Slice Than I Did.

Exactly what I said, only you say it more clearly!

I don't think she's necessarily being mean or greedy or anything some have said. DH asked her whether she wanted to share the cake or not, and she used her logic to say no. I would have probably said 'well, we have a lot of cake and we do usually all share cake with each other on birthdays'.

I would be saying that cakes are a way to celebrate a person on their birthday and that by offering her cousins some cake she is asking them to celebrate her birthday.

And ask the cousins to come over, say happy birthday, and have a slice of cake.

Her cousins didn't share their cake with her as she says so why are you making her share here with them? You're setting her up for being a nice doormat. Her cake, her choice.

Just how big is this cake? Did she have more than 2 slices?

@Dropcloth MN has two halves really. One like you describe and the other with people who have no boundaries, ask AIBU for very simple things that someone with strong boundaries wouldn't have put up with. Like domestic assault. Again too dramatic for this thread.

Anyway I voted YABU because I don't think the OP should 'insist' on her DD giving the cake to her cousins. Guide her towards the choice, explain that sharing is normally something they do , this was a one-off they might have forgotten etc etc. Also the cake would go to waste otherwise. Do all of that, explain the rationale.
If her DD still refuses then giving them the cake won't have taught her about sharing as she still doesn't see the point. Also maybe she'd reply that she wants to share with other people like her classmates?

I was raised across 2 households (parents and grandparents) and I remember never learning anything when my grandparents insisted on something, I'd fight back and seethe inwardly. My parents however could always talk me around, even if I started out being completely against them. of course depends on age but 8 is enough to at least have the reason for things explained. If you say that something 'isn't nice' and your daughter insists on doing it then you haven't gotten through to her.

It does rather sound like the child being forced to share the cake so the parents can have the kudos.

Very weird. Dd refuses to share with her cousins. Dh takes some into work to share with colleagues (!)
She should definitely share, and your dh should keep his mitts off his child's birthday cake.

I totally agree about the two halves, @TractorAndHeadphones. It’s one of the mind-boggling aspects of Mn to see the two factions at work in the same online space.

And I don’t disagree with you either about not coercing a child into something, but explaining the rationale etc — I think most children’s instincts are relatively generous and sane, left to themselves, unless they’re being raised by the extremes of the two factions.

My gripe, really, is with the people who are always absolutely certain that other people are deliberately giving them a smaller slice of the cake, or excluding them out of malice — who automatically assume everyone’s exploiting or out to get one over on them. It’s the opposite of good boundaries or healthy relationships, and it’s a terrible attitude to pass on to children.