To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

[Sashimimimi]

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren.

SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday.

Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago.

I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine.

Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

Meh. She's learned that her cousin (a boy?) has given her nothing and yet she must be a nicey-nicey girl and share. Her cake, her decision. Don't force her. Maybe her older cousin needs to learn how to share. We train girls far too early to let everyone walk all over them.

DD's cake - her decision

Of course she should share! It wouldn't be an option in our house.

Letting an 8yo choose not to share with cousins is like when people allow kids to not invite siblings to birthday parties - I just don't get it.

@Dropcloth

Some responses on this thread —the tit-for-tat-ery of some posters, and their beady-eyed, transactional attitude to relationships, and their terrible, encroaching fear that someone’s getting something for nothing, or putting one over on them — is exactly why so many Mumsnetters are either friendless or stuck with wildly dramatic pseudo-friendships with continual fallouts, rising to insane dramas over stealing baby names, bridesmaids with tattoos, or the politics of hen parties..

There’s plenty of cake. Assuming the cousins aren’t evil child vampires or something, there’s no reason to assume this is anything like people-pleasing, or ‘rising above’. It must be absolutely exhausting living inside the heads of those of you who are continual high alert for Exclusion, No Effort, or Someone Got A Bigger Slice Than I Did.

This. Just be nice.

So it sounds like the cake is bigger than standard cakes if dh can take three slices to work and still leave loads? Here a standard shop birthday cake would probably do 9 slices (the kids love cake so never stick to the suggested serving sizes).
I don’t see why dh gets to share with his colleagues but doesn’t think his neices should get any, that’s weird! Walk some over, have a cup of tea, job done.

I used to be on your side op but as a middle aged people pleaser with no return I think you should thoroughly reassure her that it's her cake and she can do with it what she wishes.

As she's not seen them physically I wouldn't bother taking them cake.

However, that's a really unpleasant attitude for a child to have and for a grown adult to encourage so I'd nip that straight in the bud (and teach DH not to stoop to a child's level of pettiness)

Drop cloth excellent post.

I do agree but also, we always force dc to "share" stuff when sometimes we shouldn't. She feels an injustice... She should not be forced it will rruin her cake entirely. She's got to want to share it and she doesn't want too. The cake will become a source of resentment to her..

It's not "petty" "to her.

Looking at this through a child's eyes they adore bday cake! It's hugely important in their world!!..
Don't belittle her feelings and run over them. She's upset, she didn't get cake.

She doesn't want to share her cake.

Let it go... Let her have control over her own cake.

Then we'll after.. Chat about it.

@Stompythedinosaur

Of course she should share! It wouldn't be an option in our house.

Letting an 8yo choose not to share with cousins is like when people allow kids to not invite siblings to birthday parties - I just don't get it.

Surely this depends on what kind of party you’re having - if it’s 4 of your daughter’s closest friends for example inviting a child who won’t enjoy the same activities is unfair to both parties. Unless you as the adult are prepared to entertain the ‘outsider’.

The other thing is - are the cousins really that bothered about cake to begin with? Do they really want some stale/defrosted cake? If they’re not there all the time you can’t guarantee that they’ll eat it and not the adults.
Maybe thé cousins didn’t get you any cake because of the logistics and they weren’t even in town?

She's learned that her cousin (a boy?) has given her nothing and yet she must be a nicey-nicey girl and share. Her cake, her decision. Don't force her. Maybe her older cousin needs to learn how to share. We train girls far too early to let everyone walk all over them.

100% this. I'm sick of the way we pressure girls, and women, to "be nice" to others who aren't held to the same standard.

It's her cake. End of. Doesn't matter if it's massive, it's not your decision to give away a bit or a lot. It's hers. And you're telling her to give away cake when cousins didn't bother. Madness. Good on her for calling out the double standards in the family.

@HikingforScenery

I’d insist that she shares her cake. She needs understand giving for the sake of it, not because she’ll get something in return.

Do you as an adult do this? I don’t give ‘for the sake of it.’ If I had a friend or relative who didn’t get me gifts/share things with me I wouldn’t continually do things for them.

Like the poster upthread who says her brother rarely bothers getting her a gift but of course she gets him one every year. Why?

The OP says it’s a massive cake. Doesn’t it make sense to take a few slices across the road than have it go stale and get thrown out?

At that age, the sheer injustice of being forced to share my birthday cake with people who hadn't been prepared to share their birthday cake with me would have rankled deeply. I had a very strong sense of justice.
Happily, my parents would never have forced it. Now? I am a generous present giver. But I do it by my choice, not under duress.

The OP says it’s a massive cake.

the basic premise is the same though. Can you remember being that age? Can you remember getting something for you and, as usual, you have to share it with people? We don't know how close the DD is to the cousins but (IIRC) they are older boys, maybe she doesn't even like them.

I get if they are there on the day when the cake is brought out, it's automatic cake-time even if she didn't get any of theirs. And if she wasn't there when they (maybe) had their cake, and didn't get any, it seems fair. It is the plaintive cry of pre-teens and teens "it's so unfair" about things that we see as totally reasonable. You have to try to see things through their eyes.

So. The best strategy, in cases like this is to a) not force b) try to see from the child's pov c) explain how sharing and families work and that sometimes it is better to just bite the bullet and share (having said that: i am vindictive and petty and hold a grudge to the nth degree - in her shoes I'd resist until the cake was green and walking to the bin)

I think it is very very important we teach our children, especially girls, that they have agency and do not have to do things that make other feel better at the expense of their own feelings/wants/needs. We see on this forum time and time again how women, sometimes after many years of marriage and putting themselves last, realise finally, that they have wasted the best years of their life not doing anything they want but facilitating everyone else.

You wouldn’t make an adult give away their stuff if they don’t want to, why is it ok to do it to children?

I agree with MereDintofPandiculation, she’s barely had the chance to enjoy it herself yet and already something she understands is hers, is being divvied up and given away to other people whether she likes it or not, and if she objects she’s the one at fault for it being “nice”. Who’s being nice to her in this scenario?

So, it's a huge cake
The kids don't even particularly like cake
They usually share cake
OP Can't remember if cousins shared cake the last birthday (dd says not) but they might not have even been there anyway too walk the cake over the road
The cake will get binned if not eaten

Send some over and make it the last year with a cake next year get a shareable cookie or pork pie cake whatever she enjoys and will eat

She doesn't have to share it with her cousins but she does need to make sure no cake is wasted.

It is her cake not yours.

As a child I never thought of my birthday cake as " mine". Cakes were just cakes. I got to choose what sort of cake I got for my birthday and got asked if I wanted any particular style/ decorations but the cake belonged to the family. It was given away to children who came to my party but otherwise was just eaten by our family. There were 5 of us and cakes aren't that big.

@InTheLabyrinth

I think DH taking it to work is more of an issue. Is DD saying "too much of my birthday cake is leaving the house" rather than categorically being against giving it to her cousins?

That was my first thought too. Why is your husband taking his daughter's birthday cake to work and yet sharing with cousins is unacceptable? I don't think your daughter is the problem here.

Everyone going on about being forced to give away nice things the kid doesn't even like cake given the choice between cousins stomach or the bin I would give it to the cousins

What about other party tea food? Is that hers? What if there was leftover coleslaw?

I do agree with children not always being forced to share toys, give away stuff that is theirs etc.

But surely a birthday cake is provided as a way for family and friends to celebrate rather than being a gift.

Did you not pop over the road to say Happy Birthday to her cousins at some stage? Did they refuse cake, or just not have one at their house?

Did you not pop over the road to say Happy Birthday to her cousins at some stage? Did they refuse cake, or just not have one at their house?

They don't know because, if I remember right, they haven't seen the cousins at all for a few weeks including one cousin's birthday. Nevertheless, the cousins now have to have the DD's because it is a Sacred Obligation.