To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

[Sashimimimi]

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren.

SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday.

Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago.

I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine.

Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

YABU to "insist" as that just gives the impression that she has to be a people pleaser and ultimately it's her cake.

YANBU to discuss it further using the very valid point you made about "keeping score" etc and being the bigger person.

I think this sums it up well. Although I might caveat it to say I might try and influence an 8 year old not to try and eat a whole cake and sharing it is on the basis that there's just too much for one person to eat!

I can’t believe this is something you started a thread about. Just take some cake over. If you DD whines then tell her she’s being U.

@ElBandito

I don't think she should have the whole cake. And I would probably give slices to the cousins. But here eating birthday cake is something we all do together, even after the birthday. I wouldn't dream of having a sneaky slice while birthday kid is at school.

You're a better woman than me. I'm always after a sneaky slice of cake 😂

Yes I read the opening post, which clearly states they don't always see each other on birthdays. It also says cousin is older than DD. Therefore he may not have had a cake, birthday cake is mainly for little ones to blow out the candles. Maybe he went out for a birthday meal and had a small cake with candles as his dessert? DD could be assuming he had a birthday cake as that is what she normally has.

Well, you are either teaching her that regardless of how others treat her she should rise serenely above it and always be nice

Or you are teaching her that even family can ignore her, not come round on her birthday and she still should make the effort not only to think of them but to deliver them some of her cake.

Or you could just use this to have a chat about how some people behave differently and that it doesn't mean they don't like her or are horrible people. She can choose whether or not to share her cake AND can be part if the conversation should her cousins ever mention it.

I'd do the latter. Let her grow up a little.

I wouldn't make her share with people who didn't bother thinking of her. As an adult I wouldn't do it, so why would I make my child?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Yes I read the opening post, which clearly states they don't always see each other on birthdays. It also says cousin is older than DD. Therefore he may not have had a cake, birthday cake is mainly for little ones to blow out the candles. Maybe he went out for a birthday meal and had a small cake with candles as his dessert? DD could be assuming he had a birthday cake as that is what she normally has.

Yes maybe he didn’t have a cake. However op says this is something ‘mil always does for all the grandchildren’ so presumably she did it for him also. Either way they don’t sound very close if they don’t see each other and have no idea whether he had a cake, so no need for the child to be delivering her cake to her cousins.

@Kanaloa

Has she not seen them? I wouldn’t bother cutting pieces up and delivering it to all the cousins if they haven’t bothered coming over to say Happy Birthday etc.

The way I see it, someone visits you/comes to your party and gives a card/gift and then you give them cake. You don’t wrap up cake and run round delivering it to relatives who didn’t bother doing the same for you.

People are so insistent that kids need to share, they need to have the ‘right attitude’ but not for adults. If you said my sil never gets me a present shall I continue to get for her everyone would insist no you shouldn’t. It’s the same here. Why should she bend over backwards to deliver her cake to them when they didn’t bother to do so for her?

Agree with this!!

I'm not one to keep score, but equally why go to the effort if they didn't.

@ElBandito

Why is your husband taking her cake? No wonder she's possessive about it.

What person old eats a whole cake on their birthday never mind an 8 year old .

I can't remember giving a shit about my birthday cake as a child other than enjoying a slice after happy birthday was sang to me. I certainly didn't expect to eat the whole thing. Hardly odd that her dad is taking some to work, otherwise I'd imagine it'll end up in the bin unless the OP really does let her daughter scoff a whole giant cake on her birthday but I highly doubt it.

If they’d come over and the cake was being eaten, yes I’d insist on it being shared.
But cutting a chunk to take away and give to them is unusual I think, I wouldn’t do that.

Surely with the cousin not sharing, depending on their age, that's the parent not thinking rather than the child?

Its her cake - she gets to decide who gets some. If they were at your house singing happy birthday to her when the cake was presented, she absolutely should share it, however, as they weren't its her to share if SHE wants too. I absolutely wouldn't share it in these circumstances and wouldn't expect my DC too either.

I also think that you are also confusing be bigger the person with being a doormat.

I can't remember giving a shit about my birthday cake as a child other than enjoying a slice after happy birthday was sang to me.

We were the same, but I get the impression it being a presented as a "special cake" made by MIL for birthdays has given it much more "value" and she was perhaps hurt at the time she wasn't given any of her cousins cake and feels a sense of injustice or devalued. If it was just a normal cake she would probably not be as concerned.

I chat is in order, but I wouldnt be insisting.

You are right OP. She's 8 and needs to be taught that being petty and mean really makes the world a worse place.

@Sashimimimi

Just to clarify, DH hasn’t taken masses of DD’s cake into work! He only works with BIL and one other guy and he took some for them. It’s a massive cake so there is plenty left for DD 😃

He always does that when one of us has a birthday otherwise the cake would end up going to waste as our DC don’t even like cake much. They like getting a nice birthday cake and the special occasion-ness of it but they’re not fussed about actually eating it except for the icing.

@Sashimimimi well, she's just being spiteful in that case, if she's not even really that bothered about eating the cake. I'd take some over to the cousins and teach her about sharing a bit more.

Its her cake - she gets to decide who gets some.

No wonder kids in the UK are seen to be spoilt as hell. She's 8 years old. She doesn't get to do decide who gets ALL of the cake. Jeebus. There are so many people on this thread carrying around childhood birthday party anger and it shows.

It seems odd to give pieces of a cake to someone not there on the day, particularly if they don't reciprocate. It's your brother's family so if he feels his sister is wanting a one way relationship and doesn't want to be the one always giving her stuff if she doesn't reciprocate then I'd accept that. Giving them a piece if they come round to wish happy birthday a few days later is different but making a special trip just to deliver cake seems odd. It's just a cake.

Sharing is nice.

However, deciding to adjust your relationship with someone because they don't put the same effort in that you do because she should be nice and not hold petty grudges. Perfectly fine and something more girls and women should do.

I would have a conversation with her about it and try and gently guide her to sharing of her own volition. I agree with you in principle but I think if you can cleverly coach her into the decision and give her some ownership it'll have more of an impact than being forced.

Honestly my kids would be gutted to have to give slices of their birthday cake away. Surely the cake is for DD and sharing to cousins and also DH taking it to work it doesn't leave much. I think it is entirely reasonable she chooses.

Your dd obviously feels upset about it and I think rightly so. While it's nice to be the bigger person, don't teach her to be a door mat. If people don't treat you well, then don't bend over for them. You may not remember If they shared cake and it's not a big deal for You but it is for your dd.

I think whoever is there when the cake is cut gets a slice. If the cousins come to visit later and there is cake left over, then everyone gets a slice if it's offered. It's nuts to be delivering slices of cake to people.

Women are already socialised into being people pleasers. Your attitude will do her no good.
Why can’t your DD take some to school to share with her friends? Why must she share some with her cousin?

Not making an effort for someone else who doesn’t isn’t being small minded and keeping score. It’s telling that you think of strong boundaries that way.

@Neolara

I think whoever is there when the cake is cut gets a slice. If the cousins come to visit later and there is cake left over, then everyone gets a slice if it's offered. It's nuts to be delivering slices of cake to people.

Also this! Against it’s different if your DD wanted all of the cake for herself but v reasonable to not want her cousins to have some. You can say that she should share but you can’t dictate whom she should share it with. What does your DH think?

I would make her share because there is loads. Could understand her being a little greedy if there wasn't a lot but being petty because her cousin didn't give her a piece is not great.

1. it was aunt or uncle who forgot to share not cousins
2. aunt and uncle may have been busy, had an accident with cake or any reasonable excuse
3. we have too much cake.