To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

[Sashimimimi]

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren.

SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday.

Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago.

I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine.

Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

Oops sorry read Op and realise DH thinks it’s fine.

@Kanaloa

Has she not seen them? I wouldn’t bother cutting pieces up and delivering it to all the cousins if they haven’t bothered coming over to say Happy Birthday etc.

The way I see it, someone visits you/comes to your party and gives a card/gift and then you give them cake. You don’t wrap up cake and run round delivering it to relatives who didn’t bother doing the same for you.

People are so insistent that kids need to share, they need to have the ‘right attitude’ but not for adults. If you said my sil never gets me a present shall I continue to get for her everyone would insist no you shouldn’t. It’s the same here. Why should she bend over backwards to deliver her cake to them when they didn’t bother to do so for her?

Yes this. Even in Indian cultures gift giving and generousity is based on recipricity. Doing things for ‘free’ just raises someone who gets used.

@FOJN

I think teaching children to be the bigger person is important but it can sometimes lead to confusion about where the line is drawn between being the bigger person and being a doormat.

Your daughter has spotted a double standard and is asserting her boundaries, I don't think that is awful or to be discouraged either.

It's not clear if you've heard this directly from your daughter or just from your husband so I think it would be really useful to have a conversation with her and take it from there.

I agree with this.

Also, it's not really "sharing" - you are asking her to give them some. reframing it that way might help you see where your DD is coming from.

It's DD's cake.
If she didn't get any of the cake from her cousin's birthday, she shouldn't feel pressured to share her cake with her cousin.
While your intentions might be honourable, you are setting an example that she has to share all of her nice things, even though others don't have to share with her. Please don't do that and set her up to be a people pleaser. You're coming across as trying to be a people pleaser yourself. Do you not find it exhausting?

We regularly have birthday cake left over from the birthday and only on day 3 would we consider seeing if we should share with work colleagues or others because we would have it after dinner as a dessert or similar.

Also OP you say that ‘we’ always makes sure all the cousins have some of the cake - do you mean that all of your are in the habit of delivering cake to each other?

I think she should share it, but be allowed to enjoy sharing it. Her dad giving it to his brother in work to pass on cuts her out completely. She didn't even get to suggest it, you did.

Can you have the cousins over and enjoy the cake together? It's hugely different if she objects turns

Her cake, her decision

@HadaVerde

Why would you push her to share with people who don’t reciprocate?

It’s her cake and it should be her choice.

This is why we have so many over entitled children!

Just to say, SIL and family live across the road from us and DH works with BIL, so it’s never been a question of driving miles to deliver some slices of cake! Usually they pop in or vice versa on birthdays but they’re not always around due to SIL sharing custody with her ex.

It’s just something we have always done because we live so close. Whether it’s an adults or child’s birthday, we always share some cake. I agree it would be odd if we weren’t neighbours as well as family.

Anyway thanks to everyone who’s replied. I really do appreciate it 😊

Some responses on this thread —the tit-for-tat-ery of some posters, and their beady-eyed, transactional attitude to relationships, and their terrible, encroaching fear that someone’s getting something for nothing, or putting one over on them — is exactly why so many Mumsnetters are either friendless or stuck with wildly dramatic pseudo-friendships with continual fallouts, rising to insane dramas over stealing baby names, bridesmaids with tattoos, or the politics of hen parties..

There’s plenty of cake. Assuming the cousins aren’t evil child vampires or something, there’s no reason to assume this is anything like people-pleasing, or ‘rising above’. It must be absolutely exhausting living inside the heads of those of you who are continual high alert for Exclusion, No Effort, or Someone Got A Bigger Slice Than I Did.

You are being entirely reasonable, @Sashimimimi.

I'm trying to teach my DC that you don't gift things with the aim of getting something back, so I'm with you OP.

I assume your DD otherwise likes her cousins? Doing nice things for people you like isn't a negative thing.

Thank you dropbox you’ve articulated my concerns about the score keeping thing exactly!

What @Dropcloth said.

My brother rarely gets me a Christmas present. I buy him one every year. I’m not a people pleaser, or a doormat, or a pushover. I just behave in the way that I feel is right, rather than copying the poor behaviour of others. My kindness isn’t something people have to “earn”.

@Darkstar4855

What *@Dropcloth* said.

My brother rarely gets me a Christmas present. I buy him one every year. I’m not a people pleaser, or a doormat, or a pushover. I just behave in the way that I feel is right, rather than copying the poor behaviour of others. My kindness isn’t something people have to “earn”.

See that’s totally opposite to me. If someone rarely bothered to think of me at Christmas no way would I be getting them a present - of course if they couldn’t get me a present it would be different but I don’t see this as ‘doing the right thing.’ I just see it as being a mug.

I guess your 8 year old would like to be listened to. Just because you've always done something isn't a good reason to keep doing it.
Whose cake is it really?

I'm more surprised that your DH took 3 slices to work. Has your DD taken some slices to school?

Part of the joy of a birthday cake is sharing it. I have never even considered a birthday cake as being mine anyway, it is celebration food to be shared, in our house it was never intended as a gift to the birthday person.
YANBU OP.

I hope your DH asked for her permission before he helped himself to her cake. It’s DD’s to share or not to share.

So you want to force her to share the cake, but they didn't share their cake with your children two weeks ago?

I mean, if you want to turn your kids into the aforementioned people pleasers you see on this forum who constantly please CF's to their own detriment, and don't stand up for themselves, crack on.

@campion

I guess your 8 year old would like to be listened to. Just because you've always done something isn't a good reason to keep doing it. Whose cake is it really?

I'm more surprised that your DH took 3 slices to work. Has your DD taken some slices to school?

If it’s a giant cake, isn’t it more a matter of getting it into other people’s stomachs before it goes stale or you all get sick of Elsa’s face in fondant icing (or whatever) staring at you every time you open the fridge?

I would say to dd that when the cousins were 8 they always shared their cake and that the older DN may not even have had a cake because he's older so it would be really nice if she shared hers.

YABU to "insist" as that just gives the impression that she has to be a people pleaser and ultimately it's her cake.

YANBU to discuss it further using the very valid point you made about "keeping score" etc and being the bigger person.

This. It sounds like it's a big cake so there is plenty to share. I would talk to her about how she is feeling and how there needs to be a balance in life between petty score keeping and not letting CFs walk all over you.

@Tal45

I would say to dd that when the cousins were 8 they always shared their cake and that the older DN may not even have had a cake because he's older so it would be really nice if she shared hers.

Yeah saying that they usually share cake make sense