Page 4 | To make DD share her cake with her cousins?

Sashimimimi · 2021-11-12T12:10:21+00:00

DD turned 8 yesterday and MIL made her a special cake as she always does for all the grandchildren. SIL lives across the street from us with her kids and although her kids don’t always see mine on birthdays (she shares custody with her ex), we always make sure all the cousins have some of the cake when it’s someone’s birthday. Anyway this morning DH was cutting up some of DD’s cake to take to work and I asked if he was taking some for SIL’s kids (he works with BIL). He said no, and that DD has said her cousins can’t have any because she and DS didn’t get any of their cousin’s cake when he had his birthday two weeks ago. I couldn’t even remember whether our kids got any of DN’s cake and I think it’s petty of DD to remember and hold a grudge about it. I do think it’s kind of understandable and she IS only 8 but it’s not the kind of attitude I really want to encourage from her. But DH thinks it’s fine. Would it be unreasonable of me to insist that she lets her cousins have some?? I realise it’s not a huge deal and the cousins may not even have noticed (they are a bit older than DD), it’s more that I don’t want DD to grow up with a small minded score keeping attitude to life as I don’t think it will do her any good. AIBU?

Elieza · 12/11/2021 15:19

Your DH works with BIL, whose DM/DMIL made the cake.

Your dd doesn’t much like cake, so it’s really too large for the family to eat, before it goes off presumably.

Thinking ahead, it would be a shame for the cake to be wasted and it’s nice to share.

I can’t believe DH will eat it in work in front of dbil without giving him a slice. That’s just weird.

It’s a cake. It’s there for sharing. And if there are complaints DMIL may not make any more in future…..

Porcupineintherough · 12/11/2021 15:23

I think YABU if you override her or guilt her. But you could talk to her about why she might have missed out on her cousin's cake and see if that changes her mind.

Its hard for younger cousins when the older ones grow up and lose interest in the relationship. And it's not great to teach your dd that her feelings dont matter. You can however encourage her to see it all from a different point of view.

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/11/2021 15:30

Would she rather it just go stale and get binned (unless you freeze it) than give some to her cousins? I wouldn't be happy about that if it's a very big cake. Especially as she doesn't love cake and only really eats the icing?

There's a huge middle ground between being a people-pleaser who can't say no and someone who who acts wholly selfishly all the time. No need to assume that being asked to share tons of cake aged eight is going to see her being continually used as an adult as a result. I'd definitely speak to her about it though, it doesn't harm to see alternative points of view.

Incidentally, we also share birthday cake with DSis and DS's cousins, there's too much otherwise as cake is not a healthy food in large quantities. Fortunately they live close by too so it's not a big deal to drop off surplus cake.

LegoNinjago · 12/11/2021 16:44

@Djifunrsn

You are right OP. She's 8 and needs to be taught that being petty and mean really makes the world a worse place.

How’s she being petty? As PP noted, she has spotted a double standard and is asserting her boundaries, Good on her!

motherheroic · 12/11/2021 17:04

I would resent being forced to share my cake after they couldn't be bothered to give me any when they had one.

chilliplant634 · 12/11/2021 17:05

So many petty people here. So it's a huge cake which will go to waste. Your children don't even like cake very much. And people are saying it is better for the cake to go in the bin than sharing it with the cousins/neighbours, just because ONE year they didn't receive any cake. (Cake they don't even like) Because obviously you don't want to take the risk that she might become a people pleaser?!

Listen to yourselves people. No wonder this board is full of posters unable to maintain a relationship.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/11/2021 17:15

She had her birthday yesterday, DH is already helping himself to slices for himself and others, and now she's being asked to give some to her cousins.

Give her a day or two to let her enjoy the cake by herself, then suggest to her that it's not going to stay nice and see if she wants to give some away. By then she'll be over the initial excitement and will realise it's too much for her alone.

Chelyanne · 12/11/2021 17:17

It's her cake, she decides. Petty or not

Sexnotgender · 12/11/2021 17:24

@MereDintofPandiculation

She had her birthday yesterday, DH is already helping himself to slices for himself and others, and now she's being asked to give some to her cousins.

Give her a day or two to let her enjoy the cake by herself, then suggest to her that it's not going to stay nice and see if she wants to give some away. By then she'll be over the initial excitement and will realise it's too much for her alone.

Exactly. I feel a bit sorry for her.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/11/2021 17:31

YABU, it's her cake, let her decide.

cherrytreecottage · 12/11/2021 17:52

@Kanaloa

Has she not seen them? I wouldn’t bother cutting pieces up and delivering it to all the cousins if they haven’t bothered coming over to say Happy Birthday etc.

The way I see it, someone visits you/comes to your party and gives a card/gift and then you give them cake. You don’t wrap up cake and run round delivering it to relatives who didn’t bother doing the same for you.

People are so insistent that kids need to share, they need to have the ‘right attitude’ but not for adults. If you said my sil never gets me a present shall I continue to get for her everyone would insist no you shouldn’t. It’s the same here. Why should she bend over backwards to deliver her cake to them when they didn’t bother to do so for her?

Yeah I'm with you on this...if they'd come over to wish her a happy birthday then of course, letting them take cake is a lovely gesture but if they haven't bothered to come over, as @Kanaloa has said, don't go bending over backwards!

JingsMahBucket · 12/11/2021 17:56

@Dropcloth @chilliplant634 you’re both a breath of fresh air.

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 17:57

I think at 8 she's not the boss of cake. I wouldn't encourage that idea. So share it or don't share it depending if there's enough to go around, but I wouldn't not share because she said so. Cakes are a nice thing to share.

(NB cake related power struggles)

FOJN · 12/11/2021 17:58

This is why we have so many over entitled children!

Demanding people hand things over to you because you think you have a right to them is entitled, refusing to do so is not entitled.

The anger from people who think the 8 year old is being petty is interesting, she is 8 years old for goodness sake. This is an opportunity to have a conversation about not giving in order to receive. Trying to force or shame her into giving cake to her cousins tells her that her wants and needs are secondary to other people's good opinion of her and that does encourage people pleasing behaviour.

If people think not wanting to share with people who appear to have less regard for you is the reason some people cannot sustain relationships I urge to pop over to the relationships board. You will find very many posters uncertain about whether the abuse they suffer is their fault, perhaps if some of them had been taught when they were children that their boundaries were important too they may not be so unsure about what a healthy relationship looks like now.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/11/2021 18:10

I think at 8 she's not the boss of cake She not the boss of cake. She is the boss of her own birthday cake.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/11/2021 18:18

@MereDintofPandiculation

I think at 8 she's not the boss of cake She not the boss of cake. She is the boss of her own birthday cake.

Absolutely.

Dropcloth · 12/11/2021 18:22

[quote JingsMahBucket]**@Dropcloth* @chilliplant634* you’re both a breath of fresh air.[/quote]
Everyone says that to me.

Look, I’m the last one in the world to enable people-pleasing behaviour (I’m the eldest daughter of a chronic people-pleaser, and had to train myself out of it), but if the cousins split their time between their father and mother, it seems highly unlikely that malice is behind the OP’s DD not getting any of the cousin’s birthday cake.

I think there’s a big difference between (1) encouraging the OP’s daughter to give some of a large birthday cake she can’t possibly eat all of to cousins with whom she presumably has a good relationship and (2) forcing a child to share something precious with someone she doesn’t like, or override important feelings.

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 18:24

@MereDintofPandiculation

I think at 8 she's not the boss of cake She not the boss of cake. She is the boss of her own birthday cake.

I don't really agree. It is my birthday soon, how about I get a fork, sit in the middle of the room, and eat it in front of everyone, because I feel like it. After all, it is my cake. Or to take it further, pick off all the icing and bin the cake, cos that's the bit I like. If it was actually my cake, that would be totally reasonable behaviour.

I don't think a birthday cake is a gift to the person having a birthday, I think it's more a treat to be shared as part of the celebration of that birthday. Otherwise it would be a cake for one.

If the family usually share cakes, it seems fine to continue, especially as there is loads of cake and birthday girl doesn't actually like cake.

I wouldn't really have asked her if I were DH. Not like you're handing out the last slice.

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 18:31

I don't think everyone is entitled to cake etc. I just think sharing a birthday cake isn't the same as giving away something that is yours, because it's basically a treat created for the purpose of sharing.

Blossomtoes · 12/11/2021 18:32

[quote JingsMahBucket]**@Dropcloth* @chilliplant634* you’re both a breath of fresh air.[/quote]
This. And I’m enjoying inhaling it.

Gliderx · 12/11/2021 18:36

There's two different issues here.

Firstly, who do you have to share your birthday cake with? Yes, it's "your" cake but good manners require you to share it with the people who are present when you blow out the candles and cut it. So children have to share their birthday cake with family or party guests, depending on the circumstances. They don't have to share it with anyone who is not present at the birthday celebration when Happy Birthday is sung. Although it's a nice gesture to save cake for people who were invited but couldn't make it.

The second issue is not letting cake go to waste. If your DD can't/doesn't want to eat all the cake by herself, she needs to decide who to give the extra cake to, whether it's her dad and his colleagues, her cousins, friends at school or the plumber coming to fix your taps. This isn't because it is "nice" to share but because it is wrong to let food go to waste if others will enjoy it.

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 18:40

@Gliderx

There's two different issues here.

Firstly, who do you have to share your birthday cake with? Yes, it's "your" cake but good manners require you to share it with the people who are present when you blow out the candles and cut it. So children have to share their birthday cake with family or party guests, depending on the circumstances. They don't have to share it with anyone who is not present at the birthday celebration when Happy Birthday is sung. Although it's a nice gesture to save cake for people who were invited but couldn't make it.

The second issue is not letting cake go to waste. If your DD can't/doesn't want to eat all the cake by herself, she needs to decide who to give the extra cake to, whether it's her dad and his colleagues, her cousins, friends at school or the plumber coming to fix your taps. This isn't because it is "nice" to share but because it is wrong to let food go to waste if others will enjoy it.

You put that better than me - it's not that it's 'nice' to share that I'm getting at, more that a birthday cake is a sharing dish.

CaitoftheCantii · 12/11/2021 18:41

It’s your DD’s birthday and it’s her cake - she gets to do what she wants with it. Your loyalty is with her happiness, not with keeping the cousins happy

CactusLemonSpice · 12/11/2021 18:43

And I second @Dropcloth analysis of this situation.

JurgensCakeBaby · 12/11/2021 18:45

As the cousins are not always there and go to their dad's, perhaps that's where they had cake. Maybe BIL gave it to your DH , and DH thinking it was for him ate it. Maybe they just forgot, and actually that won't have been the child that will have been your BIL and SIL. Have the conversation about not giving to receive, not wasting food, the myriad of reasons why she might not have received cousin cake, and then ask her who she would like to share her cake with, no one let it go stale and be thrown away isn't an option.