How on earth does my DP know?

[CJCC]

I have several male friends, they are just friends, nothing sexual has ever happened between us and I dont see them being any different to a female friend. My DP has always had an opinion on this, he thinks men who want to be friends with a woman are just biding their time to pounce basically.
I speak to 2 of these friends regularly on fb, conversations are completely 'normal' we don't flirt etc we are genuinely just friends.

Here's the weird part, everytime I speak to one of these friends my DP always makes comment about have I been talking to my other boyfriends or making jokes about who have I been texting. He's always done this and I put it down to him just being a dick sometimes but its taken me a while to connect the fact that he always says these things when I have infact had a conversation with one of them and we dont speak daily, sometimes it's a month or 2 so it can't just be luck. It's honestly like he knows but how could he unless he'd seen the messages?

I had a convo with one yesterday and my DP came home from work and made jokes about who have I been talking to and asking if I'd been talking to my other boyfriend and he couldn't have even looked at my phone so is he just bloody psychic!?

About a year ago some man I wasn't even friends with messaged me and it went into message requests so I didn't even see it. DP had a go at me for messaging other men and I was massively confused as I hadn't even seen the message. When I saw it and figured out what he meant I asked if he'd been looking at my fb from my iPad and he denied it, but I'd had my phone with me so it was the only way he could have seen. I deleted fb from my iPad after that so the only way he could access it is my phone now.

Do you think something is going on or am I crazy??

I think I'd be inclined to bait him. Agree with a male friend to send some suggestive messages and see if he calls you out on it. At least you'd know one way or another.

This isn't about your friendships, is it: it's about his spying on your devices. He may be tracking every keystroke.

Women's Aid guidance is available to help you detect this kind of hacking and malware. If you Google "how do I track my partner online" or similar, there is a huge market!

Apparently more than half of male partners cyberstalk their exes after breaking up. It's a fair bet they were doing it beforehand.

He's a nasty piece of work, isn't he? If he wants to know about all your friends, he could just ask you. I expect you chat about them anyway. His stalking suggests huge lack of trust and desire to control; not a good combination!

He's spying on you and doesn't trust you. The 'jokey' remarks he makes are not really jokes are they?

I agree that he may well be the stranger who messaged you, from a fake account.

You need to get the hell away from this controlling fuckwit. Get a new phone, change all your passwords, and leave him.

@evilharpy

I think I'd be inclined to bait him. Agree with a male friend to send some suggestive messages and see if he calls you out on it. At least you'd know one way or another.

Bait a man who is giving clear signs that he's an abuser? Seriously?

The OP has all the information she needs to tell her to leave him. She doesn't need to bait him for further proof.

@girlmom21

He's probably also the stranger who messaged you - from a fake account.

I know someone that this happened to. Their husband set up a fake FB account in the name of someone they vaguely knew, but not a friend.

Fair enough - possibly very bad advice!

This husband was also monitoring devices, such as phones and ipads.

Run he is an abuser, my ex was like this and he was emotionally abusive, controlling and threatening in the end. it took me a good year or 2 away from him to come to terms with what had happened and undo his brainwashing, it starts out small and then just increases over the years.

he didnt like me talking to men he especially didnt like one particular friend I had I think because I had known him for years before I met my now ex, he watched my social media, made comments, refused to meet any of my friends, hated my family and he tried to impersonate me on my Facebook to make that particular friend go away (but he knew it wasnt me and informed me, my ex deleted all the facebook messages before I got home).

And yes he did cheat, I think the control and hate of male friends is partly projection that they fear you will do what they are doing or what they are thinking they might do in the future if they get the opportunity.

[quote CJCC]@shinyhappyposter I have been thinking that but honestly it's far too much of a coincidence now. The situation yesterday, the way he says it to me I know that he knows but he won't say anything to incriminate himself he's just winding me up. I cannot stress just how much they are just mates, I've known them both 10 years+ and they are no threat to our relationship so I dont know why he constantly digs at it.[/quote]
Because he is a twat

As others have said change passwords now to everything, email, Facebook the lot. Different for each and ones he is unlikely to guess and put 2 factor ID on everything you can

We're assuming he has access to all your sites, so he'll be reading every word written on here. Has he mentioned this? If not, why not?
Are you sure he isn't just winding you up?
Unless you ask you won't know for sure will you?

Are you texting (direct from SIM so hard to get in to) or WhatsApping? Might be he's using web WA on his laptop which is connected to your phone? I've been caught out by one of my kids borrowing my laptop and reading private messages

@ExD1938

We're assuming he has access to all your sites, so he'll be reading every word written on here. Has he mentioned this? If not, why not? Are you sure he isn't just winding you up? Unless you ask you won't know for sure will you?

Why would he have access to all of her sites? He might not have even heard of Mumsnet or know that op uses it. He may only be interested in reading messages from men.

I accidentally pressed YABU - he’s definitely spying on you.

Although if you stay with him, then YABU

I would change all my passwords but also take my devices to someone who could look for spyware. He sounds very jealous and controlling. I’m sure once he doesn’t have access anymore, he may get angry and suspect you are doing something behind his back. Good luck

Either way, change all of your passwords including your phone lock screen one!
Then you'll know straight away. Hope you figure it out OP.

sget all yur devices checked for spyware, change all passwords, change or drop partner.

What I meant to say regarding the ipad is that I deleted the messenger app, I am still logged onto fb on it but not messenger so he can't read the messages

If he can get onto your Facebook on the tablet he can see your messages. I would log out of it and maybe even clear cookies as that will delete all saved passwords. A pain for you, but if he is spying on you, as this is what it sounds like, then it needs to stop.

Before that though, you could always say something odd in the messages to your friends, something you wouldn't usually say, eg getting a piercing or tattoo of something you don't like and see if he mentions it.

[quote JingsMahBucket]@Slink01 the majority of us on this thread think he's already moved on to the stalking behaviour. That's one of the main issues here.[/quote]
Oh no I agree it certainly is starting to look that way, not good at all

Are your phone and tablet linked?

I have a friend who found out her Dh was having an affair due to the fact the iPhone and ipad were linked and the messages were being sent to both!

He thought he was being smart but she had all the evidence she needed.

The issue is not whether men and women can be platonic friends. Your male friends male or may not be biding their time. In this case it doesn't matter.

Your partner is the problem here. He clearly doesn't trust, is snooping and blaming you for things you have no control over.

It’s no coincidence. So we know he’s spying on you. What else does he do that you don’t like?

My ex did the same thing day in day out for over a year. He'd put spyware on my devices and copied the accounts onto his own devices. Sometimes he was reading messages as they were being sent to me while he was in the same room. Then he'd do things like send me gifts based on things I'd mentioned in the conversations, or start using unusual words I'd used. When I queried it he said it was because he knew me so well. Made me feel he was inside my mind. I reported him for coercive control eventually.

@girlmom21

As an aside though, why are you privately messaging men on FB if your DP is this uncomfortable with it? Maybe address that issue with him. has he met these male friends or are they totally seperate from him? Not saying you can't have male friends, thats ridiculous and spying on you is not on. Maybe introduce him to the male friends so he doesn't feel so paranoid?

Yeah OP. Why are you talking to your friends who were around before your partner? Didn't you know you're not allowed friends of the opposite sex once you're in a relationship? Especially not without your partner vetting them first...

Assuming the friends were before the partner. I'm saying its obviously not an issue messaging friends of the opposite sex, if you're open about it and its just friendship. Both me and DP have friends of the opposite sex, but I don't hide what I'm doing or make him feel theres anything to be worrying about, and nor does he. Theres a big difference.

All i'm saying is OP's partner has a clear hangup about it all. maybe he is just ridiculously paranoid, or maybe OP's secrecy around it is fuelling that. That is what needs to be addressed, not so much the fact she has male friends.

But I can see if it was a thread the opposite way around: DH is messaging loads of female 'friends', I haven't met them, he won't include me in anything with them and he won't let me see the messages. Should I be worried?
I bet most people would say, probably yes. That he should be putting you at ease over this and not being secretive.

Op, my eXH spied on me like this. He logged on to all my social media so he could see exactly what I was posting about.

But he then would mention things which I had only had in private conversations so it became too obvious. One day I changed all my passwords and it killed him not to be able to see what I was doing.

He gave me a tearful confession, about how honesty was important etc etc etc, and then he moved on to putting keyloggers on my computer, accessing it via remote access so he could see everything I was doing. Installing listening devices in the house. I don’t know if he had a camera but it wouldn’t surprise me. I do know he took pictures of me naked without my knowledge and only mentioned them after we’d split up.

He tracked my phone and then claimed I’d been seen out with other men by colleagues of his. Colleagues who presumably knew me well enough to report back to him, but didn’t have the good grace to actually come and speak to me? and he knew where I was anyway so there presumably hadn’t been a reason to make those kinds of allegations.

The insecurity being spied on is immense. Even now if something odd happens I wonder if somehow my ex still spies on me, even though I know he doesn’t.

This happened to me as well some years ago, I can’t remember how he was doing it all but he had the laptop set up so he could see the screen on his iPad whenever I was working on it! He’s an ex now obviously. Xx

If you can't see any way that he's accessing then I'd get someone to send me a message referencing some kind of secret to see if he trips up something like does DP know about the golden retriever puppy you're getting yet.